I am NOT a switch!

[kara_disir]

I was a Domme for a long time. I knew from the start, however, that it was not the right side of the fence for me. I have been a submissive now for half a year, and at last feel utterly content and fulfilled. I don't miss being the Dominant partner at all. I am NOT a switch (meaning no disrespect to the switches out there). I am absolutely committed to remaining submissive to my Dom for the rest of my life. I know there are huge numbers who go from sub to Dominant (and even more who feel ALL Dominants should begin as subs), but are there any other happy, fully-committed-to-the-new-you subs out there who started their BDSM life as a Dom/me? If so, how did your transition work for you and your PYL? Do you miss it? Would you ever go back?

I'm curious mainly because - on other sites/forums I've visited, my revelation is met with disbelief, shock, scorn and the comments "oh, so you're a switch" or "you'll change your mind again one day" (or some variation thereof). I have yet to encounter another like me, who existed as a very skilled Domme for a very long time, and then just...turned (well, not so much turned as... awakened). Fully, completely, without hesitation, reservation or regret.

 

[graceanne]

Um, ok. I have to ask, why do you care what other people call you? As far as I'm concerned (and I'm pretty sure I'll be well backed on this) your label is what you say it is.

Beyond that, the only reason you're getting grief is because you became a sub. If you'd gone from sub to dominant no one would be saying that you must be a switch, they'd assume you 'grew' into being a dominant. Which is irritating in itself, like becoming a dominant is 'growth' and becoming a sub isn't?

Anyway! lol Congrats on your growth and change. And welcome.

 

[rosco rathbone]

all righty then

 

[kara_disir]

Um, ok. I have to ask, why do you care what other people call you? As far as I'm concerned (and I'm pretty sure I'll be well backed on this) your label is what you say it is.

Beyond that, the only reason you're getting grief is because you became a sub. If you'd gone from sub to dominant no one would be saying that you must be a switch, they'd assume you 'grew' into being a dominant. Which is irritating in itself, like becoming a dominant is 'growth' and becoming a sub isn't?

Anyway! lol Congrats on your growth and change. And welcome.

It's not that I care what label others attempt to place on me. As you said, it is as though going from sub to Dominant is growth and going from Dominant to sub is viewed as, well, foolish. This opinion is rather frustating, because those who hold it tend to be derisive and/or rude, when all I seek is intelligent, informed conversation on a shared passion.

Having encountered no-one yet who has travelled in the same direction I have, I'm simply curious as to whether or not there are others who have made the same committed choice and - if so - how that choice was received. I'm also wondering is it a cultural judgement call (because as one pinhead so astutely pointed out to me, "...but you're Black!" ["gee, thanks, I hadn't realized. Explains why I can't get a cab...", says I], and Black subs are apparently rather rare), or is it because it is unheard of to "move down the ladder" as a jacka** on bondage.com put it?

Thank you, graceanne, for the welcome. I'm very much liking the atmosphere here on Lit. It is pleasant, welcoming and (so far) seems very accepting and non-judgemental. Also, the use of PYL/pyl is refreshing. I understand this was AngelicAssassin's creation, and I for one am grateful for the all-inclusiveness of it.

 

[Netzach]

I was a Domme for a long time. I knew from the start, however, that it was not the right side of the fence for me. I have been a submissive now for half a year, and at last feel utterly content and fulfilled. I don't miss being the Dominant partner at all. I am NOT a switch (meaning no disrespect to the switches out there). I am absolutely committed to remaining submissive to my Dom for the rest of my life. I know there are huge numbers who go from sub to Dominant (and even more who feel ALL Dominants should begin as subs), but are there any other happy, fully-committed-to-the-new-you subs out there who started their BDSM life as a Dom/me? If so, how did your transition work for you and your PYL? Do you miss it? Would you ever go back?

I'm curious mainly because - on other sites/forums I've visited, my revelation is met with disbelief, shock, scorn and the comments "oh, so you're a switch" or "you'll change your mind again one day" (or some variation thereof). I have yet to encounter another like me, who existed as a very skilled Domme for a very long time, and then just...turned (well, not so much turned as... awakened). Fully, completely, without hesitation, reservation or regret.

I can't relate, but I will say nothing weirds me out with that. The right context, person, and realization can bring anything out in anyone.

I personally, could not and would not be able to make that shift in totality and finality. I'm *capable of submission* to one person, but I also know that my Dominant orientation is integral enough to me that without expression I literally will go kooky, and that this same person would let me do anything to him I pleased, which is a great deal of where that trust is banked in return.

I have spent time and spend time on both sides of the equation, but I don't see myself as "a switch." I see myself as a Dominant who is completely flexible and responsive with one of her lovers. Not because being submissive is a "downward" shift, I always thought that was a shit-tastic notion. It's simply an assessment of my own self that makes sense to me. I just don't feel like I'm changing with T into anything else - I'm still the same controlling, adamant, initiator, who is literally *making herself* passive and pleasing as a gift, if you will, to a loved one.

If someone said to me "you'll never submit again sexually as long as you live to anyone" I could go on with life. If someone said "you'll never sexually Dominate anyone as long as you live" well, I've lived that kind of insanity again and that would be unbearable. I call my shots according to that.

As for being a woman of color, well unfortunately it just means that people are gonna unload their sexual hangups on you wherever you travel to some degree, so I think that race just gives a person that wonderful double-dip on other people's ignorance.

Whatever you're up to is cool, though. There's no reason people should assume you'd change back, other than maybe the law that says people change, and I find that the people who rub things like that in are often the ones to be bitten hardest by it later themselves.

 

[EasyDoesIt]

People change. You get to be whoever you want to be.

Seems that when people place a "level or value" on being dom, sub, or switch....they don't really understand people very well or how d/s fits in their life.

Wondering to what extent people/lovers and life events influence our behavior in the D/s realm? When they change, so do we....sometimes.

I lean toward dom (might be true of many men).....but could be sub in a heartbeat for the right woman.

 

[00Syd]

The idea of "ranking" the different labels in that way is pretty bizarre to me, in the same way the idea that you have to be a sub before a Dom seems skewed to me. The idea that the different labels represent "levels" or "ranks" that you have to work through, that a sub is lower on the "strength" totem-pole than a Dom, like its a ladder that only the strong climb, really rubs me the wrong way.

 

[midwestyankee]

The idea of "ranking" the different labels in that way is pretty bizarre to me, in the same way the idea that you have to be a sub before a Dom seems skewed to me. The idea that the different labels represent "levels" or "ranks" that you have to work through, that a sub is lower on the "strength" totem-pole than a Dom, like its a ladder that only the strong climb, really rubs me the wrong way.

Agreed. It seems more than a little paternalistic, don't you think? I can see how this would happen, given the male-centric nature of western culture up through the last few decades, but you'd think that eventually folks would get a clue to how society works in the here and now.

 

[rosco rathbone]

The idea that the different labels represent "levels" or "ranks" that you have to work through, that a sub is lower on the "strength" scrotom-pole than a Dom, like its a ladder that only the strong climb, really rubs me the wrong way.

fyp.......

 

[kara_disir]

As for being a woman of color, well unfortunately it just means that people are gonna unload their sexual hangups on you wherever you travel to some degree, so I think that race just gives a person that wonderful double-dip on other people's ignorance.

Whatever you're up to is cool, though. There's no reason people should assume you'd change back, other than maybe the law that says people change, and I find that the people who rub things like that in are often the ones to be bitten hardest by it later themselves.

I have to agree with all points, and not just sexual hangups, but their issues and misconceptions in general.

The idea of "ranking" the different labels in that way is pretty bizarre to me, in the same way the idea that you have to be a sub before a Dom seems skewed to me. The idea that the different labels represent "levels" or "ranks" that you have to work through, that a sub is lower on the "strength" totem-pole than a Dom, like its a ladder that only the strong climb, really rubs me the wrong way.

My Dom wholeheartedly agrees here. He was never a sub, as he simply cannot "bend" that way (his words). It does not make him value me (or submissives in general) any less for having never been in our shoes.

Agreed. It seems more than a little paternalistic, don't you think? I can see how this would happen, given the male-centric nature of western culture up through the last few decades, but you'd think that eventually folks would get a clue to how society works in the here and now.

Absolutely. Patriarchy at it's swinest. It amazes me how many see the submissive as "less-than-___(fill in the blank)___". Particularly when said sub is a woman, as too many continue to view women as lesser beings anyway.

Quote:
The idea that the different labels represent "levels" or "ranks" that you have to work through, that a sub is lower on the "strength" scrotom-pole than a Dom, like its a ladder that only the strong climb, really rubs me the wrong way.

fyp.......

 

[NewTemptations]

It sounds like you have found your happiness and it doesn't fit some others idea of what that should be. Their loss.

Many of us play roles in our lives at some point or another until we find something that is us, not just a role. The fact that this community likes to label makes your change more awkward, possibly even unacceptable to some, but I think those are the people that may still be role playing themselves.

 

[myinnerslut]

i guess it depends on how you define switch. if you define switch as somebody who is capable of being dominant or submissive and being content with it, then you fit the definition. if you define it as someone who has to have both to be happy, then your not. its al in how you define it, and honestly, the definition doesnt mean crap, its what you do with it.

if that example is too close to home to look at objectively, think about somebody who dated a guy for a long time, then broke up and dated a girl. she intends to be with this girl for the rest of her life. is she bisexual or a lesbian? and does it even matter?