Newbie sub... thoughts

[Cattypuss]

Hi

I had my first D/s experince a few weeks ago and just LOVED it. I had long (like at least 10 years) fantasised about being dominated and when it happened it was like a dream come true.

Although I have never in my life been any kind of conformist or had any kind of desire to belong to/identify with a particular "tribe", and although that still holds true, I'm very very curious abot something and would like to ask you guys.

The man who dominates me has a girlfriend. I am someone he sees on the side, so to speak. I get to see him once a week at most, and then only for a few hours. We had been seeing each other for sex for a good 6 months before the first D/s experience, and our relationship was what I would describe as easy, relaxed friendship with a bit of gentle affection and an enormous amount of mutual respect (respect for reach other as intelligent, trustworthy people who, intellectually and socially etc, were equals).

The funny thing is that not much has changed. Outside the bedroom, it's as if NOTHING has changed. Lots of mutual respect, lots of humour, all very relaxed and "normal". Inside the bedroom it's very dfferent.

All of that suits me down to the ground. Perfect for me. I'm pretty sure that even if he and I had a full-time relationship I wouldn't want it to be any different. And I simply can't imagine myself ever even contemplating obeying him or submitting to him anywhere outside the bedroom. If he ever dared to try to tell me what to do with my time outside the bedroom, I'd be very indignant and would tell him where he could shove his ideas. But in the bedroom, when he's being The Dom, I would do/tolerate just about anything he wanted.

Does this make me/us unusual?

Just curious because when I read posts on here they very often seem to indicate that the domination/submissiveness extends beyond the bedroom.

Thanks for any thoughts.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... The funny thing is that not much has changed. Outside the bedroom, it's as if NOTHING has changed. Lots of mutual respect, lots of humour, all very relaxed and "normal". Inside the bedroom it's very dfferent.

All of that suits me down to the ground. Perfect for me. I'm pretty sure that even if he and I had a full-time relationship I wouldn't want it to be any different. And I simply can't imagine myself ever even contemplating obeying him or submitting to him anywhere outside the bedroom. If he ever dared to try to tell me what to do with my time outside the bedroom, I'd be very indignant and would tell him where he could shove his ideas. But in the bedroom, when he's being The Dom, I would do/tolerate just about anything he wanted.

Does this make me/us unusual?....

You will find as many variations on the theme of D/s as there are couples (or more) involved in it. Everyone's "take" on it is different. There are those who have "bedroom-only" D/s, even just *sometimes* in the bedroom, but not all the time; those who live their D/s 24/7; and just about any point in between. What's important is that you and your partner find a level that works for you (plural).

 

[Cattypuss]

....What's important is that you and your partner find a level that works for you (plural).

Thanks Sir Winston. I think that's the most wonderful thing in my eyes. The way it's working seems to be just right for BOTH of us - we must be a good fit.

 

[ownedsubgal]

howdy Cattypuss. personally i would not describe any part of your relationship/interaction with this man as D/s, but then i'm not one to define things as loosely as some. it sounds like a comfortable exchange, a relationship of equals as you say, with some mutually satisfying dom/sub roleplay in the bedroom. it works for you both and that's wonderful, rock on chickadee...but it's not D/s.

 

[Cattypuss]

Thanks OwnedSubGal. So what would you describe as D/s? As a "minimum"?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

In what most people consider to be a D/s relationship, the D takes the lead and has some degree of authority over the s. What you're doing is what we would term here Topping/bottoming because you act out BDSM scenes without a real power exchange taking place. You still have the right to refuse anything you don't want to do and set limits on things you do want to do (e.g. your tolerance to spanking) so although you act out a submissive role, you don't really cede control or authority to this guy. In addition, this is more a playpartner things or FWB than a relationship because he is already committed to someone else.

As Sir W said, none of these labels matter at all if you're happy with what you're getting up to.

I have to express concern that you're seeing a guy who's cheating on his partner. It can be difficult to play these games without getting emotionally attached and your satisfaction with being 'a bit on the side' is likely to wane over time. If you view this as a short term voyage of discovery, the blame for adultery lies with him anyway. If you're hoping for more from this guy, you're playing a dangerous game.

If there are kids involved and you may contribute to the break up of a family, I would seriously consider your motives and long term designs on this guy. There are some things that sexual pleasure simply isn't worth.

 

[ownedsubgal]

minimum? a relationship where it is understood by both parties that one person has authority over the other. in a romantic/personal relationship, this can translate to: who has the final word? when a key decision needs to be made and agreement cannot be reached, whose word is law?

now, the degree of authority can vary videly...from your traditional-style vanilla relationship to serious Master/slave, from a 51/49 percent control to a complete dictatorship. but the common thread which makes it all D/s imo is the authority, the fact that there is a clear head in the relationship, and the acceptance of this by those involved.

 

[Cattypuss]

In what most people consider to be a D/s relationship, the D takes the lead and has some degree of authority over the s. What you're doing is what we would term here Topping/bottoming because you act out BDSM scenes without a real power exchange taking place. You still have the right to refuse anything you don't want to do and set limits on things you do want to do (e.g. your tolerance to spanking) so although you act out a submissive role, you don't really cede control or authority to this guy. In addition, this is more a playpartner things or FWB than a relationship because he is already committed to someone else.

That makes sense to me... although some of what yousay there leads me to wonder if it's only D/s under your definition if there's no safe word??

Also, what is "FWB", please?

I have to express concern that you're seeing a guy who's cheating on his partner. It can be difficult to play these games without getting emotionally attached and your satisfaction with being 'a bit on the side' is likely to wane over time. If you view this as a short term voyage of discovery, the blame for adultery lies with him anyway. If you're hoping for more from this guy, you're playing a dangerous game.

If there are kids involved and you may contribute to the break up of a family, I would seriously consider your motives and long term designs on this guy. There are some things that sexual pleasure simply isn't worth.

Thanks for the concern. His relationship with his girlfriend is not run-of-the-mill. They go swinging together and they both very deliberately, by agreement, don't ask each other what they do when they're apart (they don't live together). I am not the only person he sees on the side. He has kids from a long-dead relationship (one at uni, one living with her mother). He doesn't have kids with the girlfriend.

I met him on AdultFriendFinder as we were both looking for a playmate with no strings. I knew from the git-go that his heart belongs fully to his girlfriend, and that was - and still is - fine by me. I think of him as a friend I have sex with. There is no more than that, emotionally, for me (there is an emotional charge in the bedroom, but that's where it stays, quite naturally). Indeed, I am dating other men and have been since before I knew him, who like me are looking for a normal relationship. Periodically I do a self-audit and ask myself "How would you feel if he told you he had left his girlfriend?" and my answer is always "Sad for the breakdown of his relationship. I'd offer myself as a shoulder to cry on, but I would have no interest in starting a relationship with him - I want him for sex, not as a boyfriend".

 

[Cattypuss]

minimum? a relationship where it is understood by both parties that one person has authority over the other. in a romantic/personal relationship, this can translate to: who has the final word? when a key decision needs to be made and agreement cannot be reached, whose word is law?

now, the degree of authority can vary videly...from your traditional-style vanilla relationship to serious Master/slave, from a 51/49 percent control to a complete dictatorship. but the common thread which makes it all D/s imo is the authority, the fact that there is a clear head in the relationship, and the acceptance of this by those involved.

Thanks. That makes sense to me. And I know on a very deep level that, although I'm very happy with only 5% control in the bedroom, I would never in a million years settle for anything less than 50% control, with anyone, outside the bedroom.

 

[mickwannabe]

Thanks. That makes sense to me. And I know on a very deep level that, although I'm very happy with only 5% control in the bedroom, I would never in a million years settle for anything less than 50% control, with anyone, outside the bedroom.

First of all, GREAT quote on your sig. On a personal note I started growing my hair after watching The Big L for the first time (hair is now almost down to my ass).

Second, I'm also new to the D/s thingy, with my woman being much more dominant in the bedroom. But like someone above said, it's not always a domination situation every trip to the bed. Sometimes we take turns, sometimes it's just a vanilla relationship. Outside the bedroom I get much more control over many things and it's almost 50/50 and that seems to work for us. Just gotta communicate and see what you're each into.

 

[unregistered]

 

[Cattypuss]

Thanks Mickwannabe - and I love that film - one of the two films (the other being "Withnail and I") that I must have watched well over 20 times since release. It never gets stale for me.

And thanks, JtohisPB - I have been wondering!
.

 

[00Syd]

There are plenty of people who are "just in the bedroom," and that's fine. All you should be worried about is your (and your partners) comfort and happiness. Whether some people might define your relationship as D/s or not isn't really a big deal, labels in general never matter much as long as you both know how your relationship is defined for you and are happy with it.

 

[Cattypuss]

Yes, absolutely - however I have been curious about what others get up to and what would be categorised as BDSM etc. I have a generally enquiring mind

 

[VelvetDarkness]

That makes sense to me... although some of what yousay there leads me to wonder if it's only D/s under your definition if there's no safe word??

In retrospect, that was poorly phrased, I apologise. I was trying to convey that while you both do things to each other that are pleasurable, control isn't really ceded because you wouldn't allow something to happen to you that you didn't like. A sub puts the D's pleasure before their own and serves them, gaining pleasure by knowing they are pleasing the D than from the service itself. You don't appear to put his needs before your own, you are merely complementing each others wants.

Honestly, I'm crap at conveying things like this with any clarity. There's probably just as many holes in that paragraph as there were in my previous post but I hope you understand what I'm getting at.

I'm glad to hear that there's little or no scope for heartbreak in this arrangement of yours. It probably sounds trite coming from a stranger on a porn board but I do wonder if people are always in these things with their eyes wide open. You seem to know exactly what you're doing, which is great.

 

[Cattypuss]

but I hope you understand what I'm getting at.

I think I do

 

[justjon]

the blame for adultery lies with him anyway.

I don't see why the blame for adultery should lie with him Velvet, she was looking for a fuck buddy on adultfriend finder as well as him.
As for your relationship Cattypuss, as long as it works for you, and you are getting all the pleasure you can extract (or have extracted from you forcibly! ) then who cares what you call it, topping/bottoming D/s, Master/Slave...if it works for you, then great, if it doesn't....give me a call!

 

[Cattypuss]

I don't see why the blame for adultery should lie with him Velvet, she was looking for a fuck buddy on adultfriend finder as well as him.
As for your relationship Cattypuss, as long as it works for you, and you are getting all the pleasure you can extract (or have extracted from you forcibly! ) then who cares what you call it, topping/bottoming D/s, Master/Slave...if it works for you, then great, if it doesn't....give me a call!

For what it's worth, I have refused to touch soooo many men who were in suposedly monogamous relationships - I simply refuse to do that. I have never, and will never, put mysef in a position where my actions might hurt another woman.

But I have to say that if a man in a supposedly monogamous reltionship meets a woman on a sex site and they become playmates, the moral blame for the betrayal of, and potential hurt to, his wife lies with him - he is the one who has committed to being monogamous and is supposed to care about her wellbeing and care about being true to her. His new playmate, by contrast, has never made any kind of commitment to the wife.

 

[ecstaticsub]

For what it's worth, I have refused to touch soooo many men who were in suposedly monogamous relationships - I simply refuse to do that. I have never, and will never, put mysef in a position where my actions might hurt another woman.

But I have to say that if a man in a supposedly monogamous reltionship meets a woman on a sex site and they become playmates, the moral blame for the betrayal of, and potential hurt to, his wife lies with him - he is the one who has committed to being monogamous and is supposed to care about her wellbeing and care about being true to her. His new playmate, by contrast, has never made any kind of commitment to the wife.

I totally agree with this. His marriage is his business and my marriage ...well, is mostly my business but because my extramarital relationship is D/s my marriage to a certain extent is His business, too.

In what most people consider to be a D/s relationship, the D takes the lead and has some degree of authority over the s. What you're doing is what we would term here Topping/bottoming because you act out BDSM scenes without a real power exchange taking place. You still have the right to refuse anything you don't want to do and set limits on things you do want to do (e.g. your tolerance to spanking) so although you act out a submissive role, you don't really cede control or authority to this guy. In addition, this is more a playpartner things or FWB than a relationship because he is already committed to someone else.

As Sir W said, none of these labels matter at all if you're happy with what you're getting up to.

I have to express concern that you're seeing a guy who's cheating on his partner. It can be difficult to play these games without getting emotionally attached and your satisfaction with being 'a bit on the side' is likely to wane over time. If you view this as a short term voyage of discovery, the blame for adultery lies with him anyway. If you're hoping for more from this guy, you're playing a dangerous game.

If there are kids involved and you may contribute to the break up of a family, I would seriously consider your motives and long term designs on this guy. There are some things that sexual pleasure simply isn't worth.

Just a quick comment on the bolded comment. Playpartners and FWBs are still relationships. They may not be love relationships, but relationships none the less.

 

[rida]

Hi

* snip *

Does this make me/us unusual?

Just curious because when I read posts on here they very often seem to indicate that the domination/submissiveness extends beyond the bedroom.

Thanks for any thoughts.

No, it does not make you unusual.
But when it comes to labeling your dynamic, you'll find out that people tend to have slightly different parameters for the same word (i.e. "slave" only applying to 24/7 live in situation as opposed to "slave" being in the mindset and as such possible also in a LDR, and so on ...).

I am in what I call a "only in the bedroom" type D/s dynamic with Hubby. When it comes to the play itself, it could be probably called more Topping/bottoming. But the reality of the relationship is that, deep inside, my main focus is him all the time, whether in the bedroom or not.

As for seeing someone that it is married, so do I and plenty of other women. I prefer if they are coming clean with their SO but it is not mandatory. Just because in my personal situation works better with Hubby being on board, it does not mean that it is the only workable situation. There are plenty of variables in relationships to be able to measure each and everyone with the same ruler. The only thing thou is to be up-front and honest on what are the expectations on the side-relationship.

It sounds like you know what you are doing and everybody is happy with the arrangement and dynamic. Good for you and all of you involved. To me, that is the only measure of whether something is right or wrong.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I don't see why the blame for adultery should lie with him Velvet, she was looking for a fuck buddy on adultfriend finder as well as him.

True, but she is single. This guy signed up while in a relationship. When I posted that, I did not know they were both going outside the relationship by mutual consent. If Cattypuss had not hooked up with him, arguably somebody else would have. Therefore his decision to engage in extra-curricular activity really isn't Cattypuss's responsibility. Not in my opinion anyway, FWIW.

You are of course, perfectly within your rights to disagree.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Just a quick comment on the bolded comment. Playpartners and FWBs are still relationships. They may not be love relationships, but relationships none the less.

Very true. Most people who go into a FWB arrangement do so specifically because they want a bond of trust and respect with the person they play with. In BDSM related cases, this is even more important because there is more scope for harm and misunderstandings.

It was not my intention to suggest that FWBs are valueless or trivial, merely that for whatever reason, there is no desire to take things to the next level.

Wow, I am tripping all over my own syntax in this thread.

 

[Cattypuss]

Very true. Most people who go into a FWB arrangement do so specifically because they want a bond of trust and respect with the person they play with. In BDSM related cases, this is even more important because there is more scope for harm and misunderstandings.

It was not my intention to suggest that FWBs are valueless or trivial, merely that for whatever reason, there is no desire to take things to the next level.

Wow, I am tripping all over my own syntax in this thread.

Yes. I think it's significant that I had sex with this guy for 6 months before the PYL/pyl started. Any earlier and I would not have trusted him enough to allow him to dominate me. The trust grew gradually until that point. Certainly there is a lot of mutual trust and understanding, so it must be a relationship of some sort. Just not a romantic one.