HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL.
1. Pick up the cat, and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the
cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to the cheeks whilst holding the pill
in the right hand. As you gradually ease the cat's mouth open in this
fashion, pop the pill into its mouth and allow the cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle the cat in
left arm again, and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from under the bed in the main bedroom, and throw away
the soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and thrust pill to the back of
its mouth with right forefinger. Hold cat's mouth shut for count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse in from garden to assist.
6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees. Hold front and
rear paws. Ignore growls omitted from cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head
firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler, and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap.
Make a mental note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from floor, and set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw and force
cat's mouth open with pencil. Blow forcefully down straw.
9. Check label on cat's pills to see if they are harmful to humans.
Drink beer to take away the taste and apply band-aid to spouse's forearm.
Remove blood from carpet with soap and water, and discard shredded towel in
waste bin.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door on cat's neck so as to leave only the
head protruding. Force mouth open with spoon, and however much force it
takes. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put the cupboard door back on
hinges.
Drink beer. Pour scotch and drink in one gulp. Apply cold compress to cheek,
and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to
disinfect, and toss back another shot for good measure. Throw T-shirt in bin
next to shredded towel.
12.Ring fire brigade to retrieve sodding cat from tree across the road, and
apologise profusely to neighbour who crashed into his pool whilst swerving
to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13.Tie the little sod's front paws and rear paws tightly to legs of
metal
garden chairs with twine. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push into
cat's mouth, followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold cat's head
vertical, and pour two litres of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14.Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency
room
for stitching of your fingers and forearm, and removal of pill from your
left nostril. Call in at garden centre on way home to get new garden chairs.
15.Arrange with RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and find out if they
have any hamsters who need good homes.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL .
1. Wrap it in bacon.
1. Pick up the cat, and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the
cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to the cheeks whilst holding the pill
in the right hand. As you gradually ease the cat's mouth open in this
fashion, pop the pill into its mouth and allow the cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle the cat in
left arm again, and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from under the bed in the main bedroom, and throw away
the soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and thrust pill to the back of
its mouth with right forefinger. Hold cat's mouth shut for count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse in from garden to assist.
6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees. Hold front and
rear paws. Ignore growls omitted from cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head
firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler, and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap.
Make a mental note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from floor, and set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw and force
cat's mouth open with pencil. Blow forcefully down straw.
9. Check label on cat's pills to see if they are harmful to humans.
Drink beer to take away the taste and apply band-aid to spouse's forearm.
Remove blood from carpet with soap and water, and discard shredded towel in
waste bin.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door on cat's neck so as to leave only the
head protruding. Force mouth open with spoon, and however much force it
takes. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put the cupboard door back on
hinges.
Drink beer. Pour scotch and drink in one gulp. Apply cold compress to cheek,
and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to
disinfect, and toss back another shot for good measure. Throw T-shirt in bin
next to shredded towel.
12.Ring fire brigade to retrieve sodding cat from tree across the road, and
apologise profusely to neighbour who crashed into his pool whilst swerving
to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13.Tie the little sod's front paws and rear paws tightly to legs of
metal
garden chairs with twine. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push into
cat's mouth, followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold cat's head
vertical, and pour two litres of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
14.Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency
room
for stitching of your fingers and forearm, and removal of pill from your
left nostril. Call in at garden centre on way home to get new garden chairs.
15.Arrange with RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and find out if they
have any hamsters who need good homes.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL .
1. Wrap it in bacon.
