How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

Head of Household

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, 'I want the men to make two lines.

One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter.'

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household!

'You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!

'Out of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.'

God turned to the one man and asked, 'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'

The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'

 

[Mireille]

mild-SM chuckles

On their 50th anniversary, an elderly couple is taking a romantic moonlit walk, when all of a sudden they come to a secluded fenced-in area.
"This is where we made love for the very first time. 50 years ago on the day," says the man.
"Think we still got it in us?" teases the woman, and pushes him against the fence, kissing him passionately.
Within minutes, clothes go flying, arms and legs are everywhere, and the old couple are really going at it.
"Wow," whispers the woman a few minutes later, as they slump down to the ground. "You never had those kind of moves 50 years ago. And you with your arthritis and all..."
"Yeah, well," grumbled the man rubbing away at his ass, "50 years ago this fence wasn't electrified"

 

[wally2450]

Mary: My friend Joe called me last night to complain about his home
life.

Jill: Really? What's the problem?

Mary: Oh, it's the usual. His daughter's a teenager. You know how
teens can be!

Jill: Oh, yes, I do!

Mary: He said, "I can't get a break! My daughter's 14 and getting
breasts, and my wife's 48 and getting a moustache!"

 

[smoothdevil]

How To Make Love

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results.
Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts,
leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

 

[DarkBee]

Mary: My friend Joe called me last night to complain about his home
life.

Jill: Really? What's the problem?

Mary: Oh, it's the usual. His daughter's a teenager. You know how
teens can be!

Jill: Oh, yes, I do!

Mary: He said, "I can't get a break! My daughter's 14 and getting
breasts, and my wife's 48 and getting a moustache!"

I don't get it...

 

[smoothdevil]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:


1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

 

[smoothdevil]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
Chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
With colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
The pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
Variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
Need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
At which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
Soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
That if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
Belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
Of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
Stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
Are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
Enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
Until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
Over.

So which is it?

If we accept the assertion given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
That, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
Into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
Must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
Frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
Follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
Extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
Divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my
God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

 

[smoothdevil]

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

 

[smoothdevil]

Exercising


1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000/month.

2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spending $500 in the process. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

6. The advantage to exercising every day is that you die healthier.

7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. If you are going to take up cross-country skiing, it helps to start with a small country.

9. I don't jog; it makes me spill my milk shake.

 

[smoothdevil]

I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.


I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

]
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread becaus e I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).


Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and & nbsp;AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan .


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.


THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician .


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

[smoothdevil]

SANITY TEST

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the doctor how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the doctor, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the doctor, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?
__________________

 

[smoothdevil]

E-Harmony



Sorry.

Your application to join our match-making service has been rejected.

You failed question #14: "What do you like most in a woman?"

"My Dick" was not the correct answer.

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Cajun Prenuptial Agreement



"Prenuptial Agreement - Cajun Style"

Boudreaux done got old and his childen dun put
him in the old folks home near Beau Bridge ,
Louisiana where he dun met a lovely lady dat
were from Texas . Now Boudreaux being a fine
upstanding Catholic, he didn't want to do nutin
dat were aganst his religion, no. So he dun
propose marriage. Now both Boudreaux and
Mable were in their 80s.

Mable went and told everyone at the Senior
Citizens home the good news. Renee, Mable's
best friend told her that since she was very
wealthy and the person she was about to wed
was, well to say the least not worth much and
she should insist on a Prenuptial Agreement.

Mable was sitting on the porch swing with
Boudreaux and she told him she would marry
him providing he would sign a prenuptial agreement.

Boudreaux dun told Mable I'll sign agreement,
you bet, 'cause I luv you so much.'

Mable got out her pen and paper and started:

She said: I want to keep my house down in
Texas with all the oil wells.

He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my shak
on the bayou.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac, BMW and
Lexus.

He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my
pick 'em up truck.

She said: I want to keep my yacht that is moored
near my summer home in Padre Island , Texas .

He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my pirogue
on the bayou.

She said: I want to keep all my jewelry.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: Put me down for Fridays

 

[smoothdevil]

Luigi's Train Ride


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?'

Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.'

'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.

'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food. She brough ta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us andasay, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in dis a car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokin a disa car.
Mus ta go to a smokina car.' 'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at a top of his a voice 'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

'Nexta time, I'ma justa gonna taka da bus!'

 

[smoothdevil]

An Irishman & Wife are at the bank

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says,

'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.'

 

[bailadora]

My sense of humor is warped today...

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/funny-pictures-kitten-is-back-from-vet-and-something-is-missing.jpg

 

[DarkBee]

My sense of humor is warped today...

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/funny-pictures-kitten-is-back-from-vet-and-something-is-missing.jpg

LOLcats FTW! I check them daily.

 

[bailadora]

LOLcats FTW! I check them daily.

- I spent an hour on that site today, laughing myself silly! What does FTW mean? I am unfamiliar with that acronym.

 

[DarkBee]

- I spent an hour on that site today, laughing myself silly! What does FTW mean? I am unfamiliar with that acronym.

FTW = For The Win, and if you reverse it, it means What The Fuck? (spawning the legendary quote I once read: "What the fuck does WTF mean?")

 

[smoothdevil]

Visit To The Welfare Office...

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW!' the social worker exclaims. 'Are they all yours?''

'Yep, dey all mine,' the flustered momma sighs,
having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find
seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to
sign up.
I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, my boys are all named 'Leroy'
and da girls are all named 'Leighroy'.'

In disbelief, the case worker asked, "Are you serious?
They're ALL named Leroy?"

Their momma replied, "Well, yes -- it makes it easier. When it's time to get dem out of bed and ready for school, I jus' yells, 'Leroy!' And when it's time for dinner, I jus' yells 'Leroy!' an' dey all comes a running'.
And, if I need to stop da kid who's running into the street, I jus' yells 'LEROY!' and all of 'em stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' 'em all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then
wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Den, I calls 'em by their last names.."

 

[neighbourly]

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS for kinky folk



On the 1st day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
A Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 4th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 5th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 6th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 7th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 8th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 9th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 10th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
10 Scenes a Whipping,
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees

On the 11th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
11 Pairs of Stockings,
10 Scenes a Whipping,
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 12th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
12 Orgasms Screaming,
11 Pairs of Stockings,
10 Scenes a Whipping,
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

 

[xanana]

Date!



If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
And Leno's comment upon hearing the story is PERFECT!!!

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had
taken her skii ng in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had bette r stop and let her go beside the
road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she
quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about
was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply
that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compo se
themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a
real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip
his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in
laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that
should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno Show

 

[xanana]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough Frequent Flier Miles.



They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike
asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they
make money, etc.



Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.



'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.



The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'



A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the
night and experience one another.



Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member ! about half an inch long and just a
quarter-inch thick.



'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.



'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'



'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'



'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With
each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively
long.



'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'



'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.



'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.



The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate
ways.



As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'



'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'



'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping
my forehead and pulling my ears.

 

[smoothdevil]

Tackle Box Genie

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven
pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked
Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic
lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge
Bic Lighter in his hands.

'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the
Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a
good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So, Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven
sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a
million ducks...flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole.
'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not
a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is
hart of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?'

 

[MagicFingers]

Energy saving

I took a short trip today and saved a lot on gas.
I figure it only took me about 10 beans worth.

I walked.