Feedback and advise requested

[kuffsnkeys]

I am new to Literotica and still learning my way around. I wrote a story titled "The Forest Elf", under fantasy, and I am asking everyone interested to read the story and provide me with feedback and advice. I have to admit that I am awful when it comes to editing myself but it is something that I am trying to improve upon.

If you read the story, please tell me what you liked about it and what you did not like. Also, what do you think my strengths and weaknesses are?

Would you like for me to continue the story?

I am excited about Literotica because I now have an avenue for sharing my stories.

Thank you for your time and constructive criticism.

Respectfully,
Kuffsnkeys

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=390731
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=392599

 

[Darkniciad]

This is just some quick impressions from a skim of the first chapter.

Quite instead of quiet right at the top of the page, but you've already acknowledged that you could use a proofreader/editor ( everybody needs one )

Your paragraphs, for the most part, are a little long for online reading. Once you go beyond ten lines on a computer screen, the eyes tend to get lost in a paragraph, forcing the reader to refocus.

That cuts into the immersion, so you'll want to try to keep your paragraphs below that ten line limit where possible. I usually try to keep mine limited to no more than seven lines, with anything longer only by absolute necessity.

In this specific example, it also really cuts down on the potential tension you can impart on the reader. She's fleeing for her life, so shorter paragraphs of a couple of sentences can help convey that to the reader. You don't want to go too overboard with that, because this is an elf fleeing stealthily through her preferred terrain as opposed to someone with fewer skills in a terrified run.

The first couple of paragraphs have some hook to them. Someone fleeing is a good way to launch straight into the action. After that, you slow down with a long section of what I ( flippantly ) call "Last week on..."

When you start with a drop into the action, as you have in this first chapter, you naturally have to do a little backstory to bring the readers up to where the story opens. I feel that you've gone a little far back, though. You might be better served to dole out a lot of this history later in the story through dialogue and rememberance triggered by story events. As it stands now, it really pulls you out of the action of the story and creates a sharp contrast to the first couple of paragraphs. I think it just slows the story down too much.

The dialogue doesn't really start for a good distance into the story. Dialogue is key, in my opinion, to bring your characters to life. Even where the character is alone, thought dialogue is more engaging than narrative descriptions of the character's thoughts.

The exclamation point is something you should use sparingly. When used too often, it loses its impact. You also have it appearing outside the quotations.

"I am alone, Sir," she pleaded!

This should be "I am alone, Sir!"

This is one of the places I would drop the exclamation point, actually. You could use a little narrative about her emotive state to punch up the tension. Perhaps some body language or descriptions of her body going into panic mode. In my opinion, pleaded is a strong enough word to convey that, but you can always pump it up a little if you feel it needs more emphasis.

All caps is something else you should try to avoid. Once you can condition yourself to avoid the exclamation point, this is much easier. Any time you want to use all caps, it's because you realize that a word/line needs more emphasis. If you use those exlamation points sparingly, then dropping one in there will do the trick without the need for all caps.

My general rule of thumb is that all caps is only used for the most primal of screams, or the booming voice of a god -- and very sparingly.

The moon, full and luminescent, shone through the canopy of tall, wicked trees, casting long dark shadows like broken fingers across the wet, soggy floor.

I feel you're a little heavy on descriptors. The quoted line is a good example. This is a bit of sensory overload for one sentence. Not to say that descriptions of the scene aren't good and shouldn't be there -- they just feel a little too compact, as written. I would actually drop "tall, wicked" in this example. Your following description conveys this same image much more effectively, in my opinion. I think I would drop "like broken fingers" as well. That one just doesn't click in my head with a moonlit flight through a forest to me.

Just some quick thoughts while I waited for the bus to pick up my young one. I'll try to keep this thread in my head for when I'm taking a break from writing later on and read, rather than skim.

 

[kuffsnkeys]

Thank you

Thank you so much for the advice. I can not tell you how much you have just taught me. I will certainly apply it in the future.

I submitted an edited version of Chapter 1 fixing some of the typos you pointed out; thank you again.

 

[ellynei]

I am new to Literotica and still learning my way around. I wrote a story titled "The Forest Elf", under fantasy, and I am asking everyone interested to read the story and provide me with feedback and advice. I have to admit that I am awful when it comes to editing myself but it is something that I am trying to improve upon.

If you read the story, please tell me what you liked about it and what you did not like. Also, what do you think my strengths and weaknesses are?

Would you like for me to continue the story?

I am excited about Literotica because I now have an avenue for sharing my stories.

Thank you for your time and constructive criticism.

Respectfully,
Kuffsnkeys

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=390731
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=392599

I love your attitude, and I am happy for you too that you have found an avenue for sharing your stories.

Welcome to literotica, I hope that you will find encouragement, inspiration and good advice here.

I started reading your the story yesterday, but didn't finish. I saw some problems but also saw good promise. I would love to help, but, have recently had to realise that sometimes my attempts at aiding goes awry... Especially from being an amateur myself. (Though being overtly brass, bold and too cruelly direct, also strongly adds to my deficiencies in an advisory context.)

If I get time, in near future. I will try my best to give a little constructive feedback.

In the meantime, judging from the public comments, you have made some readers very happy.

Congratulations

 

[kuffsnkeys]

Thank you so much.

Thank you for your input. I am writing chapter 3 right now, but it is taking me longer because I am trying to apply the advice I have received.

Any input you provide I will take positively; if you are going to put forth the effort to give it to me the least I can do is appreciate it. Thank you again.

 

[ellynei]

Sorry I took so long to get back to you. For days, I've been writing my brains out every single day. Writing is such a seemingly innocent drug, until you find yourself cuckoo from having done too much of it in a row...


Well, I read all of chapter one. The storyline itself. So far its great. I love how detailed your universe is, I love that you as the author sees everything so vivid, and is also able to make me see it. There is possibly too much description here and there, though, and it will be a difficult job for you to one day weed it through. But, leave that for the future I'd say.

There are a some big problems, that you will need time and practice to work through.

One very big problem is basic editing. Especially them pesky words that spell-checks doesn't catch. Practically any volunteer editor in the volunteer editor program should be able to help you with that. Hope you don't suffer from the editorphobia which I do!)

Speaking of them pesky words here are two slight examples. I remember there were many more, but haven't gone back to find them all.


"She has long, full, jet black hair, bright florescent green catlike eyes"

If you mean 'glowy' eyes, it should be "fluorescent" instead of "florescent".


"She often though of home and"

though -> thought


Another editing-like thing, is tenses. You write the basic storyline in past tense (apart from a few bloops here and there which again, a second pair of eyes can help you catch). Past tense for basic storyline is nice, easier to read. Keep that up

Sometime when you make general descriptions of your characters you switch into present tense. That doesn't work so well. Remember, even if she is still alive in the present, today, she was still all those things back in the past, so it is ok to say "she looked like this n that", even if in your mind "she still looks like this and that".

When you make general descriptions, like "goblins are" you also switch to present tense. It's a bit disruptive as it is now, since the reader can't know if you are tense-blooping, or if you want them to understand that goblins still exists.

If it means a lot to you to keep the general info of the universe you write of in present tense, it might be good to use some kind of trick to make the reader aware that even though the story of this forest elf takes place in the past, the world she lived in still exists.

Like mayhaps (not sure if this is a good idea) make the reader aware of it in the very beginning.

In the world of (what you call it), orcs and goblins roam, (or something but describe it in present tense). In this world, a young forest elf once (ran for her life/embarked on an unwilling adventure/took her first step into an unusual destiny in the forbidden forest).


Not exactly what I did, but something similar, to make the reader catch on to that fact that the story is past, but the universal facts are present.

If! It isn't very important to you that universe facts be presented in present tense. Don't do it. (That's my personal opinion amateur to another.)



Another aspect altogether is structure.


But... ehm...


I remember the first time I posted a story on lit and went to feedback forum asking for advice.

I think five different people said. "It needs structure." In five different ways or such.


The thing is, you have a big story here. Yersia and her background. The world she lives in and its history, (and probably much more you haven't even started telling the reader yet), and then the running storyline itself.

All this information clawing to get out. Stories within stories within stories.


If you tell them all at once, then people say, "It's boring.". If you omit some, then people say, "What about this?"


When it comes to structure then my personal, amateur to amateur, advice to you is. Keep in the back of your head, that one day you will need to work on in which order you present information, and how much at a time.

But keep it in the back of your head for now.

Because! for now you should focus on basic editing (catch the pesky words!) and on writing the rest of a story.

Once you have the full story (or at least a very big chunk of it) commencing on the scary, volatile, fluid, abstract, thingy so cleverly innocent called "structure", becomes much more tangible.

At least that is my personal experience. I'm currently working on "structuring" book one of that Majgen series im no longer posting on lit, (btw if any Majgen readers sees this, please don't hate me, I never meant to be cruel). It really is far easier to spot which information I need when, (and which can wait till later), when being so far into book two on first draft.



Keep writing, keep working to improve.

But! most important of all! Don't put too much into what any single person says about your writing. (Neither good nor bad.) Otherwise, your head will soon start spinning and steam will start coming out of your ear. (And, trust me, steamhardened ear wax, not easy to get rid of.)

Remember, writing is an art, art is subjective. Even experts can be wrong, and lots of people who aren't experts will give you comments.

Like me!

Cheers!

da Ellynut

(P.S. If I sound crazy, it's probably cause I am.)

 

[kuffsnkeys]

Writing Fiction 101

Thank you so much again for all your advice. You know, some people pay a lot of money for lessons like this. I appreciate your input greatly.

I have read and re-read my story many times and each time, I catch another typo or another switch from past to present tense. It makes me want to pull my hair out. But, I know I am learning.

Everything you have pointed out to me I have taken to heart and I am trying to apply it in the subsequent chapters.

Again, thank you very much for your time and attention.

 

[Guest]

Thank you so much again for all your advice. You know, some people pay a lot of money for lessons like this. I appreciate your input greatly.

I have read and re-read my story many times and each time, I catch another typo or another switch from past to present tense. It makes me want to pull my hair out. But, I know I am learning.

The single most effective way to proofread your own writing is to read it backward.

Yes, backward.

It removes all context and keeps your eyes scanning a single word at a time. Mistakes will jump out at you.

It also gives me a splitting headache, particularly on longer pieces, but it works.

 

[Darkniciad]

Never heard that one, Gnome I can see where it would catch certain things that you might miss reading the sentences in order. Don't think I'd ever do it myself. I have enough headaches as it is

Here's what I do to catch goofs before sending a story/chapter off to my editor.

Let the manuscript sit for a day or two ( or longer ) once I finish it. I usually try to start on something completely new, but moving on to the next chapter can work as well. The object is to clear what you've just finished out of your head, to some extent.

When I open it back up after simmering, I change the font size and face to something completely different from what I usually write in. The change in presentation -- to me -- makes errors jump out and scream at me, when my eyes passed right over them in the original font.

I have both Word and Wordperfect, so I take advantage of them. I write in Wordperfect with the spell-as-you-go option on. This catches a lot of goofs while you're writing. With auto-correct on, it will also fix a lot of common typos as you go.

After reading back through the story in a new font, I pass the story from WP to Word. The dictionaries and grammar checkers don't always agree ( I've noticed that WP often prefers the Queen's English spelling of certain words ) and that can catch a few more things that you might miss. I copy/paste into Word instead of opening the document to avoid formatting errors that can crop up between the two programs. When Word catches something, I make the correction manually in Wordperfect on the original manuscript.

At this point, the story goes to my editor. A fresh set of eyes is critical. Optimally, I prefer to have two sets of eyes going over it at this stage. ( Or more )

After making changes in the editing process ( which is usually several steps ) I move on to submission. I upload my stories in plain text format with HTML tags inserted for formatting. Plain .txt files or cut-n-paste into the "text" section of the submission form will both allow you to preview your story.

I then read the story one more time in preview. The new margins, font, and page breaks can once again cause things to jump out at me that I've missed throughout the whole preceding process. There are also potential formatting problems that you can only catch in preview.

At this point, I hit the submit button and wait for readers to point out where something has slipped through the cracks despite due diligence *laugh*

 

[kuffsnkeys]

Thanks

I just happen to have a Word Perfect disk. I am going to install it and see what the spell checker finds. Thanks for the tips.