Can Instant Messaging Be Cheating...

[Guest]

I read in another thread about phone sex being considered cheating....

Here is the scenario....

Man and Woman are living together. They are not married. They are expecting a child. The man likes to have his cake and eat it to (his words). The woman makes a deal with the man.... tell her what he is doing, use condoms, no emotional attachments (meaning just a fuck or sex). The man agrees to the terms, promises that he will follow the rules.

The woman is a member of a baby forum. A friend from there happened to run over a personal ad from the man. It was a recent one. Adding to that some emails were forwarded to the woman. She was told that he is planning on meeting a woman that answered his personal ad. The wording on the ad was not for a playmate but was worded for a mate.

Through a series of conversations the man finds out that the woman finds out. He gets upset and wants to throw her out of their house because she found out what he was doing. He says that he has only been talking to this woman on instant message that it doesn't matter what he said he was going to do with the woman but what he actually has done or planned on doing.

The questions are the following:
Was he cheating?
Are instant message 'relationships' considered cheating?
If you were either of those people what would you do?

 

[sr71plt]

Cheating is in the act, not the means of communicating the act.

 

[Emperor_Nero]

I read in another thread about phone sex being considered cheating....

Here is the scenario....

Man and Woman are living together. They are not married. They are expecting a child. The man likes to have his cake and eat it to (his words). The woman makes a deal with the man.... tell her what he is doing, use condoms, no emotional attachments (meaning just a fuck or sex). The man agrees to the terms, promises that he will follow the rules.

The woman is a member of a baby forum. A friend from there happened to run over a personal ad from the man. It was a recent one. Adding to that some emails were forwarded to the woman. She was told that he is planning on meeting a woman that answered his personal ad. The wording on the ad was not for a playmate but was worded for a mate.

Through a series of conversations the man finds out that the woman finds out. He gets upset and wants to throw her out of their house because she found out what he was doing. He says that he has only been talking to this woman on instant message that it doesn't matter what he said he was going to do with the woman but what he actually has done or planned on doing.

The questions are the following:
Was he cheating?
Are instant message 'relationships' considered cheating?
If you were either of those people what would you do?

Based on your scenario, I'd say he was cheating because he violated the rules of their agreement because he didn't "tell her what he is doing". Had he informed her that he had placed an ad and that he would be communicating with those that responded, he wouldn't have cheated. But by hiding his actions after agreeing to tell her what he was doing, he cheated.

Are IM relationships cheating? Inheirantly, no. Again, within this scenario, if it were agreed on within their relationship or, in this case, if he had informed her IN ADVANCE that he was going to do it, it would not constitute cheating at all.

What would I do ... I don't really know. Fortunately, never been in a relationship where communication is this screwed up.

 

[sweetness6280]

The way you describe the situation, this is cheating. Cheating by definition involves lying, fraud, deception, etc. to get one's own way. This husband lied to his wife, broke the rules of their agreement, and deceived the other woman involved with his ad. There is no way to spin it.

IMHO, cheating is not in the act itself, but in the intent.

 

[cloudy]

As I said in the other thread, if it's something you have to hide from your SO, then yes, it's cheating.

 

[Katyusha]

He violated the rules of their agreement. It'd be a different story if their agreement was "don't ask, don't tell," but since it wasn't and he was hiding it from her, it's deception AND breaking their rules, and therefore, IMO, cheating.

 

[IsabellaKing]

Not exactly instant messaging but funny all the same

 

[jomar]

I don't quite get what she was pissed about. She knew he was going to sleep around. What did she expect? Was she mad about him not telling her his method of getting women into bed? Or that he advertised for a 'mate' which would be threatening. Obviously, some of the details were not addressed in the original deal.

If I were either of them I'd try to get us on Jerry Springer.

 

[silvastormcloud]

I think she was mad because he was supposed to keep her in the loop. If you cant tell your partner what your doing then you shouldnt be doing it.

I think he was cheating, if only in his mind

 

[michchick98]

I read in another thread about phone sex being considered cheating....

Here is the scenario....

Man and Woman are living together. They are not married. They are expecting a child. The man likes to have his cake and eat it to (his words). The woman makes a deal with the man.... tell her what he is doing, use condoms, no emotional attachments (meaning just a fuck or sex). The man agrees to the terms, promises that he will follow the rules.

The woman is a member of a baby forum. A friend from there happened to run over a personal ad from the man. It was a recent one. Adding to that some emails were forwarded to the woman. She was told that he is planning on meeting a woman that answered his personal ad. The wording on the ad was not for a playmate but was worded for a mate.

Through a series of conversations the man finds out that the woman finds out. He gets upset and wants to throw her out of their house because she found out what he was doing. He says that he has only been talking to this woman on instant message that it doesn't matter what he said he was going to do with the woman but what he actually has done or planned on doing.

The questions are the following:
Was he cheating?
Are instant message 'relationships' considered cheating?
If you were either of those people what would you do?

Under their agreement, no, I don't think he was cheating. She knew what he was doing. They'd agreed no emotional attachments and it was just sex.

It sounds like she developed some feelings for him along the way and if that's the case, she should have told him how she felt, knowing he'd be 'slumming' (so to speak)

I think he may have over reacted a bit by wanting to throw her out, but at the same time, he has every right to be angry. They had an agreement and obviously she either forgot or changed the terms without him knowing it.

If it were me in the situation, I might be angry, especially if I'd developed feelings for the man. But I would confront him about it in a nice way..."I know we had this agreement and all, but...." kind of conversation. Get it out in the open.

That's probably what triggered the argument, he was doing it 'behind her back.' Even though they had an agreement, he should've told her instead of letting her find out from someone else. She didn't confront him about it so he found out she knew, but not from her.

As far as IM relationships being considered cheating, over and above this particular situation, it could go the same way the phone sex = cheating angle does. If it's being done in secret (the partner/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, etc not knowing) then it could be considered cheating. If it's an open relationship, then no, I don't think it would be considered cheating.

 

[DesertPirate]

As I said in the other thread, if it's something you have to hide from your SO, then yes, it's cheating.

Sometimes the best answer is the simple one
You nailed it Cloudy

 

[cloudy]

Sometimes the best answer is the simple one
You nailed it Cloudy

Occam's Razor in action once again.

 

[Belegon]

I agree with Cloudy also.

As to this specific instance, I think that it is reasonable to be upset if you feel that you are being "spied on" IF and ONLY IF you have not done anything that is against the agreement that has been made. Being mad that you got caught isn't the deal.

If you are mad that this is HOW you got caught breaking your word, you already broke your word.

However, if this is just flirtation and nothing has come of it, you are in a gray area. I mean, Imp and I are lucky. We have had to learn to communicate in very specific ways BEFORE we are actually living together. Hopefully, this will help us deal with any discrepancies or misunderstandings.

If she feels I have done something outside our boundaries, I will immediately start groveling.

She is worth far more than my pride.

However, I hope that I will never find myself in a place where I have to wonder if I should have told her something. And if I do, my best and immediate course of action will be to tell her once I realize there is any question about it... and to do that as soon as humanly possible.

Personally, I feel that an open relationship is far more complicated in this way than a traditional one.

 

[Katyusha]

However, I hope that I will never find myself in a place where I have to wonder if I should have told her something. And if I do, my best and immediate course of action will be to tell her once I realize there is any question about it... and to do that as soon as humanly possible.

That's how I am with Gizz...as soon as I find myself wondering whether or not I should tell him something, I tell him; if he's going to be upset I'd rather he only be upset about whatever it is that I did. He doesn't need to deal with that AND deception. And he does the same with me.

 

[Vermilion]

Under their agreement, no, I don't think he was cheating. She knew what he was doing. They'd agreed no emotional attachments and it was just sex.

I.

I think that agreement was that he wouldn't form any emotional attachments *with other women*. I'd assume there was an emotional attachment in this relationship, otherwise it wouldn't be a relationship, would it?

 

[Guest]

Based on your scenario, I'd say he was cheating because he violated the rules of their agreement because he didn't "tell her what he is doing". Had he informed her that he had placed an ad and that he would be communicating with those that responded, he wouldn't have cheated. But by hiding his actions after agreeing to tell her what he was doing, he cheated.

Are IM relationships cheating? Inheirantly, no. Again, within this scenario, if it were agreed on within their relationship or, in this case, if he had informed her IN ADVANCE that he was going to do it, it would not constitute cheating at all.

What would I do ... I don't really know. Fortunately, never been in a relationship where communication is this screwed up.

It was the hiding what he was doing that caused the problems. One of the pieces of the rules was that he not hide what he was doing. The other part was the contents of the ad. The ad was not asking for a play partner or a sexual encounter, the ad was speaking about a permanent partner when the woman was supposedly his permanent partner already.

 

[Guest]

The way you describe the situation, this is cheating. Cheating by definition involves lying, fraud, deception, etc. to get one's own way. This husband lied to his wife, broke the rules of their agreement, and deceived the other woman involved with his ad. There is no way to spin it.


IMHO, cheating is not in the act itself, but in the intent.

That is probably the most important part.

And when the other woman makes comments about how much she appreciates their relationship and how sad she was that they couldn't meet up over the weekend and be together as they talked about... that sounds like cheating.

 

[Guest]

Under their agreement, no, I don't think he was cheating. She knew what he was doing. They'd agreed no emotional attachments and it was just sex.

It sounds like she developed some feelings for him along the way and if that's the case, she should have told him how she felt, knowing he'd be 'slumming' (so to speak)

I think he may have over reacted a bit by wanting to throw her out, but at the same time, he has every right to be angry. They had an agreement and obviously she either forgot or changed the terms without him knowing it.

If it were me in the situation, I might be angry, especially if I'd developed feelings for the man. But I would confront him about it in a nice way..."I know we had this agreement and all, but...." kind of conversation. Get it out in the open.

That's probably what triggered the argument, he was doing it 'behind her back.' Even though they had an agreement, he should've told her instead of letting her find out from someone else. She didn't confront him about it so he found out she knew, but not from her.

As far as IM relationships being considered cheating, over and above this particular situation, it could go the same way the phone sex = cheating angle does. If it's being done in secret (the partner/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, etc not knowing) then it could be considered cheating. If it's an open relationship, then no, I don't think it would be considered cheating.

You misunderstood the original. The man and the woman are IN a relationship. The kind where they are both doing the "I love you" "Miss you" and sleep in the same bed together. It was not that the woman suddenly got feelings... they had a relationship. She offered him an olive branch to help with a need that he expressed that he needed or wanted. The contents of the ads that he placed violated part 2 and kept from her what was going on. It was not the fact that he was out and about it was the fact that he was keeping things from her and then got upset with her when she found out what he was doing.

 

[shereads]

Through a series of conversations the man finds out that the woman finds out. He gets upset and wants to throw her out of their house because she found out what he was doing.

Wow. This couple have bigger issues than whether he was cheating.

 

[Guest]

I agree with Cloudy also.

As to this specific instance, I think that it is reasonable to be upset if you feel that you are being "spied on" IF and ONLY IF you have not done anything that is against the agreement that has been made. Being mad that you got caught isn't the deal.

If you are mad that this is HOW you got caught breaking your word, you already broke your word.

However, if this is just flirtation and nothing has come of it, you are in a gray area. I mean, Imp and I are lucky. We have had to learn to communicate in very specific ways BEFORE we are actually living together. Hopefully, this will help us deal with any discrepancies or misunderstandings.

If she feels I have done something outside our boundaries, I will immediately start groveling.

She is worth far more than my pride.

However, I hope that I will never find myself in a place where I have to wonder if I should have told her something. And if I do, my best and immediate course of action will be to tell her once I realize there is any question about it... and to do that as soon as humanly possible.

Personally, I feel that an open relationship is far more complicated in this way than a traditional one.

He was mad and said that the woman was 'spying on him' and didn't understand that he was not breaking their agreement, that she just didn't understand.

*personal note about the bold* I have always operated that way in relationships. If for even a moment I have that tiny little thing come up in my head or heart about whether or not my SO of the time would be hurt or harmed by what I said or did... I immediately tell them.

 

[Guest]

As I said in the other thread, if it's something you have to hide from your SO, then yes, it's cheating.

I agreed with you on the other thread.

He violated the rules of their agreement. It'd be a different story if their agreement was "don't ask, don't tell," but since it wasn't and he was hiding it from her, it's deception AND breaking their rules, and therefore, IMO, cheating.

Condoms
Be forth coming about what he is doing
No emotional attachments

Those were the rules. And as you mentioned, he violated part 2.

I think she was mad because he was supposed to keep her in the loop. If you cant tell your partner what your doing then you shouldnt be doing it.

I think he was cheating, if only in his mind

As I mentioned, sounds like a violation of part 2.

I think that agreement was that he wouldn't form any emotional attachments *with other women*. I'd assume there was an emotional attachment in this relationship, otherwise it wouldn't be a relationship, would it?

Exactly.