What to say?--Help.

[3113]

There's been a death in the family. A college age relative of mine. He was in an accident and died instantly. His mother has not had the best life, including a failed marriage, and he was her only child. It's a shocker to everyone, of course.

The funeral is going to be within the next four days. I honestly don't know what I'm going to say to his mother. He was the only thing she lived for.

What do you say when there is nothing, absolutely nothing that could possibly be the right thing to say?

 

[glynndah]

"I'm so sorry."

What more can you say?

 

[rgraham666]

I haven't the slightest idea. *HUGS* for both you and her.

 

[trysail]

Be there— that says more than words. Sometimes there simply isn't anything that can be prepared and rehearsed; don't feel that you have to force the words to come. When you see her, you may be surprised to find that the words will come.

I remember my mother's funeral; I didn't think I'd be able to get through it. Then, of a sudden, I saw a particular face and everything was alright.

 

[sweetness6280]

More important than what you say, is your presence. All she really needs is to know that you are there. Resist the urge to just say anything to fill a silence. The touch of a hand, a hug, or just a look between you can say more than any words.

Let her talk if she wants to, let her say anything she wants. Just listen. Let her take the lead.

Before you go, read about Shiva calls in the Jewish faith. Shiva is one of the most beautiful, and IMHO most healing ways of dealing with the need to mourn.

My deepest condolences for you and your family.

 

[Guest]

I'm with glynndah. "I'm so sorry for your loss" is about all anyone can say.

 

[jomar]

A sincere "I'm so sorry" is the best thing.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I'm with glynndah. "I'm so sorry for your loss" is about all anyone can say.

and a long, warm hug.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Jesus, 3113. How horrible.

This is really what those meaningless rituals and traditions were invented for. When there's simply nothing you can do or say, you fall back on tradition. "I'm so sorry for your loss," or "My deepest condolences," is all you can say and all she'll expect you to say. There's nothing you can do to make things better except make the right soothing noises and be there.

 

[3113]

Thanks everyone. I'm such a word person and when I think of all the things commonly said at such times my mind starts bouncing around like a billiard ball thinking of how inadequate such phrases sound. But each and everyone of you is absolutely right. What's important is to make contact and be there for the person, to share the grief.

Thanks for reminding me of that and keeping me on track. And thank you as well for the sympathy.

 

[gauchecritic]

A friend of mine at Lit gave me the very best condolence I've ever had. She said thankyou.

In terms of comfort it is immense.

Thankyou for sharing. Thankyou for gifting me some of your burden. Thankyou for making me the person I am today.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Best of condolences.

 

[TE999]

My sympathies and condolences, 3.

Your presence, a ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug, speak more eloquently than any words ever could.

 

[_Lynn_]

My condolences to you and your family.

I don't have anything to add to what's been said here.

 

[Misty_Morning]

My suggestion...Let your actions do the speaking.

She'll need you to be there for her after the funeral. When her feelings make her think of thoughts so negative that there is no way out.

Call often. Take her lunch and invite her to dinner. Go on outings to malls and parks.

And just listen.

 

[3113]

MCall often. Take her lunch and invite her to dinner. Go on outings to malls and parks.

That a good thought. Thank you.