Helping Family Understand

[00Syd]

So, I came out to my mother as being kinky not long after I figured out that this was going to end up being a big part of my life. We are very good friends, and so I didn't feel any nervousness in telling her. I tried to explain the dynamic to her, and did so reasonably well, I thought. She (being an awesome person) was totally fine with it, but was (understandably) worried about my safety. I reassured her, told her about all the safeguards, and she trusts me to be careful and to be safe, so, no problemo.

Recently, though, I told her about my new D, and she had some concerns. She was worried that he wouldn't let me pick up the phone, so I wouldn't be able to keep in touch, or that he would restrict my time and that I'd start doing less well in school. I tried to explain to her that neither of those things would happen and why, but she is still worried. I don't think that I can, by myself, explain BDSM and the D/s dynamic to her. I told her that I would send her some links to website that explain it.

Back when I was first discovering BDSM, all I did was read. I had a huge book marks bar of websites explaining BDSM and the various dynamics involved and the history and everything, but now I can't find it. So, I was wondering if all of you good folks could help me re-compile a list of websites that I could give to my mother to help her understand.

I really, really appreciate the help!


P.S. A discussion about coming out to family members would also be groovy. I haven't told my dad, only because I'm not as close with him as I am with my mother, and so would feel uncomfortable telling him. I feel incredibly guilty that I haven't though, since he had the courage to come out to me as being gay a few years ago. I'm still working up that courage.

P.P.S Also if anyone has any other different ways that hey helped a family member understand besides just giving them reading, I would love to know about that too! I just don't want my mother to have to worry about me any more than she already does, and to feel comfortable around P when she meets him.

 

[CutieMouse]

When Someone You Love is Kinky

It sounds like she's having trouble reconciling that at its heart this is a relationship, just like anyone else.

I'd [personally] avoid drowning her in websites. Honestly, sometimes too much information is just as bad as too little... then again, I'm not the sort to feel obliged to "out" myself to family - am I happy? Yes? That's all they need to know.

 

[00Syd]

When Someone You Love is Kinky

It sounds like she's having trouble reconciling that at its heart this is a relationship, just like anyone else.

I'd [personally] avoid drowning her in websites. Honestly, sometimes too much information is just as bad as too little... then again, I'm not the sort to feel obliged to "out" myself to family - am I happy? Yes? That's all they need to know.

Thank you for that!

I don't feel obliged to out myself to my family, but I love my parents, and want to be able to feel comfortable talking to them about anything. I don't want to have to censor myself when I'm around them, I guess. I know that it can be unavoidable, and that there will be situations in life where I'll have to, but I want to keep them to a minimum I guess.

Yes, I think that the problem is that she's having trouble keeping in mind that a D/s relationship is just that, a relationship. I think in her mind she's getting swamped in all the whips and chains and having trouble seeing the loving relationship at its heart.

 

[kittenartist]

I think your Mom may be having more of an emotional reaction. You said she was fine with everything until you told her about your new D, right? I suspect, in the abstract, in theory, she can understand the dynamics. Intellectually she gets that the relationship is healthy and safe. However, when presented with the reality her "mother instincts" kick in and she worries anyways. It is my opinion that no amount of reading in the world will help her be more comfortable with your relationship. Time and proof of actions will ultimately show her that her fears are ungrounded.

Of course, you know your Mom better than me and maybe she is the type who does better with research. In which case... the website I am hooked on right now is the BDSM Glossary. Not really going to explain the dynamic to her but is a handy reference tool while reading other sites that may use terms that are unfamiliar.

 

[Netzach]

Recently, though, I told her about my new D, and she had some concerns. She was worried that he wouldn't let me pick up the phone, so I wouldn't be able to keep in touch, or that he would restrict my time and that I'd start doing less well in school. I tried to explain to her that neither of those things would happen and why, but she is still worried.

My advice is just make sure that your marching orders aren't in conflict with your family life if this matters to you and make sure you continue to do whatever you are doing in school. Let those things answer her normal mom-concerns. Nothing answers those issues better than "that hasn't happened, has it?"

 

[00Syd]

Oh man, she is so the type that does better with research. Any "crisis" that comes up means an instant trip to Barnes and Nobel and at least three new books on the shelf. You should see the amount of books she bought when I was diagnosed as being ADD. She doesn't even read all the books she buys all the way through, just having them to glance through makes her feel better, I think. That's the only reason why I asked her if she would like me to send her some things to read, I know that they will make her feel better.

I'm also positive that she'll feel instantly better after meeting P, and she's just having a hard time knowing Im doing all this stuff with someone she's never met. But since she won't get a chance to meet him for at least a few more months, I want to try and help her feel better until then.

 

[Netzach]

Oh man, she is so the type that does better with research. Any "crisis" that comes up means an instant trip to Barnes and Nobel and at least three new books on the shelf. You should see the amount of books she bought when I was diagnosed as being ADD. She doesn't even read all the books she buys all the way through, just having them to glance through makes her feel better, I think. That's the only reason why I asked her if she would like me to send her some things to read, I know that they will make her feel better.

I'm also positive that she'll feel instantly better after meeting P, and she's just having a hard time knowing Im doing all this stuff with someone she's never met. But since she won't get a chance to meet him for at least a few more months, I want to try and help her feel better until then.

Ahhh, OK. Then "when someone you love is kinky" might be good. Screw The Roses, too.

 

[00Syd]

Ahhh, OK. Then "when someone you love is kinky" might be good. Screw The Roses, too.

I'll put those on the list Thanks!

 

[midwestyankee]

Oh man, she is so the type that does better with research. Any "crisis" that comes up means an instant trip to Barnes and Nobel and at least three new books on the shelf. You should see the amount of books she bought when I was diagnosed as being ADD. She doesn't even read all the books she buys all the way through, just having them to glance through makes her feel better, I think. That's the only reason why I asked her if she would like me to send her some things to read, I know that they will make her feel better.

I'm also positive that she'll feel instantly better after meeting P, and she's just having a hard time knowing Im doing all this stuff with someone she's never met. But since she won't get a chance to meet him for at least a few more months, I want to try and help her feel better until then.

I hope you're right about her response when she gets to meet your new guy. However, it may not happen instantaneously. If it were me, and I'm a Barnes and Noble solves all problems kind of person, I'd have already imagined some of what I'd read being done to my daughter. Then, when the new bf/D shows up, my first few moments might be spent imagining him at the handle of a flogger. I'd expect some dissonance over that until I really got to know him.

 

[Netzach]

Times like these make me soooo glad I'd rather beat than be beaten.

 

[midwestyankee]

Times like these make me soooo glad I'd rather beat than be beaten.

True, though I'm trying to put myself in young P's shoes here to imagine the first meeting with the mother or father of the one I beat. I can imagine all sorts of Seinfeldian, Larry Davidian awkwardness.

 

[Netzach]

True, though I'm trying to put myself in young P's shoes here to imagine the first meeting with the mother or father of the one I beat. I can imagine all sorts of Seinfeldian, Larry Davidian awkwardness.

OMG yeah. I enjoy being a girl, too. Interestingly, my mother is a bedroom bottom herself with a sub personality, and she STILL freaked out when I talked about bottoming in any capacity.

Syd, didja catch that? Sometimes there's *always* a lingering bad feeling about your little girl being handled roughly and all there is to do is be well adjusted and not talk about it a lot. IOW - this is for your mom to get over and her own bad feelings to confront and chances are a lot of it has more to do with you doing your own thing than a bruise on your ass.

 

[Homburg]

True, though I'm trying to put myself in young P's shoes here to imagine the first meeting with the mother or father of the one I beat. I can imagine all sorts of Seinfeldian, Larry Davidian awkwardness.

You don't know the half of it.

So MIS' dad sets up a visit to meet me, coming down much of the way here so I only have to drive about 90 minutes. Cool, right? Yeah, except for the fact that I'm so nervous that I forgot to check the gas in the car and ran out of gas. Then relised that I'd left my wallet at home. Yeah, I was batting a thousand that day.

Anyway, I was going to suggest "When someone you love is kinky" as well. I've heard good things about it. In our case, meeting me was a big help for them. I'm not a small guy, and can look pretty intimidating, so I've worked hard over the yeards to figure out how to mute that appearance with personality, conversation, etc. It did not take long for her dad to warm up to me, as we found common ground in many areas. (and I made fun at myself for the running out of gas thing)

Her mother was a tougher sell. She was a heck of a lot more guarded than dad for various reasons, but it helped that I was emphatic about assuring her of certain things. Long before I talked to her folks, I promised MIS that I would not get in the way of certain things, regardless of the structure of our relationship. Things like family, faith, school, career, etc. The big stuff. Telling her mother that, and her mother realising that I was dead serious and completely honest, helped. Slave or not, family is family, faith is faith, and I won't get between her and either of those. And I've flat told her that she wouldn't be allowed to leave school, regardless of how badly she might be missing me and wanting to be here (not that she's ever asked to drop out of school, but you get the point). P might do well to provide similar reassurances.

While it is "just a relationship", and has many similarities with other relationships, it is NOT like other relationships any more than we are NOT like other people. You see P in a very realistic light, but your mother has no frame of reference other than your descriptions (which she probably, and rightfully, considers biased), and the things she's read. P is scary to her, just as I was scary to MIS' parents.

A lot of this relies on P. If he is unwilling to go the extra mile with your family, it will be a lot harder.

As to your dad, well, you will have to figure out when, and if, you can talk to him. Don't feel guilty about coming out to him simply because he did to you. You've been keeping the kink on the down low for a lot less time than he kept the whole gay thing to himself. I'm pretty sure that he'll understand that part.

--

I'm wondering about my own kids with this, my daughters in particular. My eldest daughter is just like I was at her age. JUST like me. Seriously. She is in charge. My youngest daughter, on the other hand, is just like her mother, and shows much of the same traits as MIS as well. Makes me wonder if I'm going to be having the same sort of discussion you did with your mom and I did with MIS' parents, except from the other side.

 

[00Syd]

OMG yeah. I enjoy being a girl, too. Interestingly, my mother is a bedroom bottom herself with a sub personality, and she STILL freaked out when I talked about bottoming in any capacity.

Syd, didja catch that? Sometimes there's *always* a lingering bad feeling about your little girl being handled roughly and all there is to do is be well adjusted and not talk about it a lot. IOW - this is for your mom to get over and her own bad feelings to confront and chances are a lot of it has more to do with you doing your own thing than a bruise on your ass.

Eh, for her its much more about the bruise than me doing my own thing. We are both all about doing our own thing. I mean, this is not, y'know, a repressed housewife we're talking about here. We're talking about a lady that was a hardcore punk scrounging around the Lower East Side before she had me.

I honestly think that if she somehow manages to understand it, she'll be okay with it. Maybe that's naive on my part, but I can't help but feel like she will (eventually) be fine. We are like best friends in a weird gillmore girls sort of way. I'm her mini-me. We go to concerts together

The idea that there will be something about me that she doesn't accept and understand is unfathomable. She can be really stubborn about things, but she really is okay with this. She doesn't totally understand it yet, but she's happy for me that I know what I want, and that I'm doing it. At least that's what she told me. So, I just want to help her understand, y'know?

P.S. Homburg, I've gotta run to class but soon as I'm back, I'm gonna re-read your post as its awesome.

 

[Homburg]

P.S. Homburg, I've gotta run to class but soon as I'm back, I'm gonna re-read your post as its awesome.

Cool. If I can help in any way, let me know. I've been in these shoes recently, so I'm all kinds of sympathetic.

 

[Netzach]

Eh, for her its much more about the bruise than me doing my own thing. We are both all about doing our own thing. I mean, this is not, y'know, a repressed housewife we're talking about here. We're talking about a lady that was a hardcore punk scrounging around the Lower East Side before she had me.

I honestly think that if she somehow manages to understand it, she'll be okay with it. Maybe that's naive on my part, but I can't help but feel like she will (eventually) be fine. We are like best friends in a weird gillmore girls sort of way. I'm her mini-me. We go to concerts together

The idea that there will be something about me that she doesn't accept and understand is unfathomable. She can be really stubborn about things, but she really is okay with this. She doesn't totally understand it yet, but she's happy for me that I know what I want, and that I'm doing it. At least that's what she told me. So, I just want to help her understand, y'know?

P.S. Homburg, I've gotta run to class but soon as I'm back, I'm gonna re-read your post as its awesome.

I had this kind of relationship with my mom too, although mine sounds much less cool - my point isn't that it's never going to be fine, it's that there's pretty much a universal dissonance in those moments when your own kid is doing something you don't quite get, something that tweaks you.

It seems like her primary worry is about YOUR autonomy, in relation to your BF.

 

[Homburg]

It seems like her primary worry is about YOUR autonomy, in relation to your BF.

This was a common thread with MIS' dad as well. An understandable one, in my eyes, as I would worry about my own kid in a similar situation, evem as a lifestyler myself. Hell, I am probably going to worry more because I grok the situation better.

 

[00Syd]

You don't know the half of it.

So MIS' dad sets up a visit to meet me, coming down much of the way here so I only have to drive about 90 minutes. Cool, right? Yeah, except for the fact that I'm so nervous that I forgot to check the gas in the car and ran out of gas. Then relised that I'd left my wallet at home. Yeah, I was batting a thousand that day.

Anyway, I was going to suggest "When someone you love is kinky" as well. I've heard good things about it. In our case, meeting me was a big help for them. I'm not a small guy, and can look pretty intimidating, so I've worked hard over the yeards to figure out how to mute that appearance with personality, conversation, etc. It did not take long for her dad to warm up to me, as we found common ground in many areas. (and I made fun at myself for the running out of gas thing)

Her mother was a tougher sell. She was a heck of a lot more guarded than dad for various reasons, but it helped that I was emphatic about assuring her of certain things. Long before I talked to her folks, I promised MIS that I would not get in the way of certain things, regardless of the structure of our relationship. Things like family, faith, school, career, etc. The big stuff. Telling her mother that, and her mother realising that I was dead serious and completely honest, helped. Slave or not, family is family, faith is faith, and I won't get between her and either of those. And I've flat told her that she wouldn't be allowed to leave school, regardless of how badly she might be missing me and wanting to be here (not that she's ever asked to drop out of school, but you get the point). P might do well to provide similar reassurances.

While it is "just a relationship", and has many similarities with other relationships, it is NOT like other relationships any more than we are NOT like other people. You see P in a very realistic light, but your mother has no frame of reference other than your descriptions (which she probably, and rightfully, considers biased), and the things she's read. P is scary to her, just as I was scary to MIS' parents.

A lot of this relies on P. If he is unwilling to go the extra mile with your family, it will be a lot harder.

As to your dad, well, you will have to figure out when, and if, you can talk to him. Don't feel guilty about coming out to him simply because he did to you. You've been keeping the kink on the down low for a lot less time than he kept the whole gay thing to himself. I'm pretty sure that he'll understand that part.

--

I'm wondering about my own kids with this, my daughters in particular. My eldest daughter is just like I was at her age. JUST like me. Seriously. She is in charge. My youngest daughter, on the other hand, is just like her mother, and shows much of the same traits as MIS as well. Makes me wonder if I'm going to be having the same sort of discussion you did with your mom and I did with MIS' parents, except from the other side.

I think I'm just going to ask her outright whether or not P is scary to her. If he is she probably won't tell me right away, but then call me in a few days and fess up. She is a big fan of just talking. If there is something on her mind, if she said something and it doesn't sit right with her, if she feels bad about something, sooner or later it will come out, and we'll talk about it. I really feel like, with how she is, and with how much I really want her to be okay with this and to like P, somehow it'll all work out. I don't expect it to all be okay right away, but I just want to make it as easy as possible for her.

So, my mom is weird. She is fascinated by death metal. What I imagine for when they meet is my mom saying "so, your into death metal" and P being like "yeah, are you?" and my mom being like "I wish I was" and then her cracking up just thinking about what she would look like at a death metal concert.

And thank you about what you said about my thing with my dad. I'll tell him eventually, I'm sure. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, or obligated to come out to him just because he came out to me, but I'm not as close to him as I would like to be, and I think he would really appreciate it if I opened up to him.

 

[midwestyankee]

Syd, you've a good head on your shoulders and it appears that you know your mother pretty well. Play it as it lays, as they say in golf. Your mother is who she is and you like it that way. Just do as your instinct seems to be telling you and it ought to work out pretty well.

Percolation time, time to process, whatever we call it is truly vital to coming to grips with a new shape on our personal maps of life.

I'm glad to see that you raised the question here: it tells me that you're thinking this through at the right level.

 

[00Syd]

Syd, you've a good head on your shoulders and it appears that you know your mother pretty well. Play it as it lays, as they say in golf. Your mother is who she is and you like it that way. Just do as your instinct seems to be telling you and it ought to work out pretty well.

Percolation time, time to process, whatever we call it is truly vital to coming to grips with a new shape on our personal maps of life.

I'm glad to see that you raised the question here: it tells me that you're thinking this through at the right level.

Thanks for that I really appreciate it!

 

[rida]

From a mom POV I can tell you that it is going to be hard, no matter what, just to accept that your little girl is actually having sex, let alone kinky one on the receiving end of the whip! LOL

But the way you describe your relationship with your mother, things will work out at the end.

As many have said, facts more than words are going to reassure her: seeing you happy, seeing that you are not slacking at school because of your new D, seeing that you are still keeping talking with her, and so on. What she worries (and it is going to be the same even if is a vanilla relationship) is that he is going to influence you in a negative way and she will not be able to help it.

Slowly, with fact and with your D doing his part, you are going to reassure her.

Hopefully when my kidlets will be old, they will feel close enough to me to be as open with me as you are with your mom. (I can already see myself being in your mom's shoes with my younger one ... although she is going to be the one doing the beating ...)

 

[Bandit58]

My family all live in New Zealand. My father passed away in 2005, but I have a mother, brother and a son and daughter (both grown).

None of them know what kind of a relationship Sir and I have. I'm a mature adult and it's none of their business. My kids have visited us and seen the D/s dynamic, but the toys were out of sight and they had no idea I was anything other than an attentive loving spouse. It's unlikely that Sir and I will be able to travel to visit them (because of His health) so the only time they will see anything is if they come to Australia.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

My Master joked that he hated meeting girlfriend's parents because he always felt like he had 'I'm fucking your daughter!' tattooed on his forehead. I know you have concerns about your mom and want to be open with her but be aware also of the stress it's going to cause P. The poor guy probably now feels that he has 'I'm fucking your daughter, treating her like a slave, spanking her ass raw and taking a flogger to the rest of her!' emblazoned across his T shirt.

Remind your mom that P is still just a guy and just as nervous about getting along with your family as a decent guy should be. Some people who know little about kink assume that all Ds are swaggering alpha types with the emotional sensitivity of a housebrick but as you know, this is (generally) not the case. Of course your opinion of P is biased but you've set him quite a challenge with your openness and he may find things very awkward at first.

 

[myinnerslut]

my parents have known i was kinky ever since they made the mistake of asking if i was tying up an ex instead of the other way around and i felt the need to correct that piece of information. i know for a fact that my parents are bedroom kinky, so i had a bit of a leg up on this openness thing. even so, introducing Master to them was tough.

see, nobody likes the man that is beating their daughter. not at first anyway. even us kinky folk dont like the idea of somebody beating their daughter without knowing that they wont end up harming them. its a tough wall to climb over.

for me, ive helped out in my situation by knowing when to be open, and when to keep things to myself. with the exception of the coming-out-of-anesthesia moment in which i was calling out to Master by title in front of the whole hospital (oops) i call him by name when i refer to him to my parents or relatives. i still havnt ben able to bring myself to call him anything other then Master to his face.

ive had to realize what details might make them feel better and use those to neutralize concerns. (yes he ties me up BUT hes an experienced and well respected tie-er) (yes he spanks me BUT have i told you about SSC, the motto we try to control our actions by?).

ive also learned which details should not be shared no mater how open we are. knifeplay for xample, was a big concern of my parents. they are under the impression hat it is a lead-in to cutting and should not be ventured into. so of course, i let them think i dont do it by just not mentioning it. the light brand on my upper thigh that was done by cell popping, also something that they dont know about.

while i understand the need to feel open with the ones you care about, there are times when you may need to censor what you say.

as far as meeting P goes, try to alleviate her fears. the SSC thing really worked well with my parents. even though there are some controversies with SSC vs RACK in our world, SSC is easier for a non-kink person to get.

 

[00Syd]

My Master joked that he hated meeting girlfriend's parents because he always felt like he had 'I'm fucking your daughter!' tattooed on his forehead. I know you have concerns about your mom and want to be open with her but be aware also of the stress it's going to cause P. The poor guy probably now feels that he has 'I'm fucking your daughter, treating her like a slave, spanking her ass raw and taking a flogger to the rest of her!' emblazoned across his T shirt.

Remind your mom that P is still just a guy and just as nervous about getting along with your family as a decent guy should be. Some people who know little about kink assume that all Ds are swaggering alpha types with the emotional sensitivity of a housebrick but as you know, this is (generally) not the case. Of course your opinion of P is biased but you've set him quite a challenge with your openness and he may find things very awkward at first.

I really never thought of it from that perspective, so I thank you very much for bringing it up. I'm going to talk with him next chance I get and let him know the situation. We've already talked a little bit about him maybe coming home with me for a week over Christmas break, and so next time that comes up I'll try to ease him into the "so, your going to meet my mom" talk. I think he'll be okay with it. Especially after I tell him a little more about how crazy she is.

I have already told my mom a lot about him, just things he likes, what sort of music he's into, what his friends are like, books he reads, stuff like that, and I think its already helped to make him seem more like a person. I'll definitely tell her that he's just as nervous to meet her as she would be to meet him.

Again, thanks so much for that perspective! Its given me a whole other facet of this to think about.