Flipping (top, bottom, switch?)

[lesbiaphrodite]

Okay, I think I'm having what they called in the seventies an 'identity crisis.' LMAO. No, seriously. I started thinking about this a lot lately for a number of reasons. I began this as a blurt and realized I needed to make it more substantial and get some feedback from anyone who can enlighten me. (This is the impetus for a new story I'm writing, so your advice would be deeply appreciated.)

I'm in my early 40s. I've identified as lesbian since around 20. I've always been very 'feminine' to look at, and I have always been mistaken as straight most of my life. Men and women have been attracted to me, and I've always been able to choose between them (almost always choosing women). As a nubian lesbian I was feeling dominant...like the top. My first two relationships were with straight women who I 'converted' and they were total bottoms. I loved it. But, after them, every woman I got close to wanted me to bottom for them. And, recently, I started to want this all the time. The bottom line is that I feel the urge to bottom completely and my last lover topped me better than words can express.

My questions are:

1. Is one's sexual role static or does it change over time? How common is this, if it does change?

2. Is the whole 'top' and 'bottom' thing a load of bosh? Am I overanalyzing?

3. Why in heck do people always want me to bottom?

Any insight would be valued....

 

[BlackShanglan]

I don't think there's a single answer that suits everyone. I imagine it's a continuum, with various people feeling various levels of attachment to specific roles.

For me, it's changed over time. It seems to for many people. That doesn't mean that it will for everyone, but it seems possible for many.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Of course your sexual role changes over time! That's a part of life-- everything changes. Your tastes in music, food, hair color... Even your accent will change as you come into new influences.

This is not to say that everyone's levels of change will be the same. There certainly are people out there who seem completely static in one way or all ways. But even those people will prefer french fries to baked potatoes for a bit and then switch back
so that's one of my answers, or anyway thoughts.

When you say "top and bottom" do you mean in a vanilla way, like do-er and done-to-ee? Because man, I sure do love to be the do-er, but I would hate never being the done-to. I love laying over and giving up the power. Is it bosh, no. Is it more better when those roles are flexible, I think so!

Why would people want you to bottom? Because you present yourself like someone who would make the effort all so very worth while, that's my guess.

 

[Liar]

2. Is the whole 'top' and 'bottom' thing a load of bosh? Am I overanalyzing?

It's not the top and bottom thing that is a load of bosh. It's the top versus bottom thing that is. It's not a dichotomy and there's not only two ways to be.

And another point. If you hang so much of your identity on how you relate sexually to a partner, that a top/bottom dilemma makes you think in terms of 'identity crisis', then you've haven't had much of an identity earlier either.

 

[Safe_Bet]

Okay, I think I'm having what they called in the seventies an 'identity crisis.' LMAO. No, seriously. I started thinking about this a lot lately for a number of reasons. I began this as a blurt and realized I needed to make it more substantial and get some feedback from anyone who can enlighten me. (This is the impetus for a new story I'm writing, so your advice would be deeply appreciated.)

I'm in my early 40s. I've identified as lesbian since around 20. I've always been very 'feminine' to look at, and I have always been mistaken as straight most of my life. Men and women have been attracted to me, and I've always been able to choose between them (almost always choosing women). As a nubian lesbian I was feeling dominant...like the top. My first two relationships were with straight women who I 'converted' and they were total bottoms. I loved it. But, after them, every woman I got close to wanted me to bottom for them. And, recently, I started to want this all the time. The bottom line is that I feel the urge to bottom completely and my last lover topped me better than words can express.

My questions are:

1. Is one's sexual role static or does it change over time? How common is this, if it does change?

2. Is the whole 'top' and 'bottom' thing a load of bosh? Am I overanalyzing?

3. Why in heck do people always want me to bottom?

Any insight would be valued....

IMO not bosh, but preference and desire. It certainly isn't static, either.

The sexual side of "toppy" is a desire to MAKE love to the other person. It is wanting to BRING the other person pleasure and derive your own pleasure from that. It's the GIVING. Almost, but not quite a Domme role.

The sexual side of "bottom" is a desire to TAKE love from the other person. It is wanting to RECEIVE the pleasure and allow the other person to enjoy giving it to you. It's the WANTING. Almost, but not quite a Sub role.

GREAT sex is when these blend and both lovers can give and take to/from each other simultaneously.

My Amy put it best once when she said, "When you're rolling around in bed tops get to be bottoms." Although I know she is letting me (cuz she is a LOT stronger than I am) Amy has some of her best orgi's when I get Toppy, hold her down and "do" the living hell out of her. I have some of MY best orgi's then too.

Earlier in our relationship, Amy rarely let me enjoy being Top. This was primarily out of fear. She was less comfortable when she wasn't in control because she was afraid that without it she would be perceived as less attractive to me - because it was what she believed I wanted. Once our relationship grew to the point she was secure she grew to enjoy it MUCH more because she knew I wanted HER not a behavior.

In our day to day life she still is pretty Dommy but that is more her anally retentive, uber organized character showing through (drives me f**king nuts some times: rolleyes: ) It's also her role as the "Dad" of our kids. (Some day I'll buy you a drink and tell you about Amy taking the girls to the Father/Daughter Dance - THAT was a hoot! )

As to why your lovers want you to be bottom: You are telling them (by showing them) that you WANT to be bottom most of the time. You said so yourself "I started to want this". They wouldn't be much of a lover if they couldn't tell and give you what you want, now would they?

 

[tickledkitty]

just never mind

 

[JuicyBoom]

I am in my early 40's as well - many tastes have changed for me since I was in my early 20's - including sex. Not all things change - but many things do. Its just part of life - embrace it and enjoy it but don't fear it.

When it comes to sex with my wife, I want variety. I hate doing hte same things every time. So if you want to be tops one night and bottom another then do it. Its not a big deal - enjoy doing both.

 

[Huckleman2000]

Apart from the personality growth that just happens as we age, there are also physical changes in both sexes that affect both psychology and sexuality. Probably the most influential purely physical change is the slow decline in sex hormone levels. Testosterone and estrogen, and their metabolites, affect our moods. Testosterone, in particular, seems linked to traits such as dominance, aggression, and libido.

While I don't know of any studies directly linking hormones to behavior that would be characterized as "top" or "bottom", I have little doubt that one's hormonal changes could present themselves in the manner you describe.

Might as well make the best of it!

 

[Safe_Bet]

Apart from the personality growth that just happens as we age, there are also physical changes in both sexes that affect both psychology and sexuality. Probably the most influential purely physical change is the slow decline in sex hormone levels. Testosterone and estrogen, and their metabolites, affect our moods. Testosterone, in particular, seems linked to traits such as dominance, aggression, and libido.

While I don't know of any studies directly linking hormones to behavior that would be characterized as "top" or "bottom", I have little doubt that one's hormonal changes could present themselves in the manner you describe.

Might as well make the best of it!

Congratulations! You just successfully pissed off every Domme and Topper over 40 and every sub & bottom under 40 all in just a couple of paragraphs. Pretty remarkable!


P.S. Just for fun, lets throw in all of those straight people over 40 (that obviously can't have any libido left )

 

[JuicyBoom]

P.S. Just for fun, lets throw in all of those straight people over 40 (that obviously can't have any libido left )

Its a myth, we still have plenty of libido left.

 

[Huckleman2000]

Congratulations! You just successfully pissed off every Domme and Topper over 40 and every sub & bottom under 40 all in just a couple of paragraphs. Pretty remarkable!


P.S. Just for fun, lets throw in all of those straight people over 40 (that obviously can't have any libido left )

Yeah, getting older mostly sucks for anything physical.
Rail against aging all you like, but people generally try to adjust if they consider the alternative.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Better Living Through Chemistry!!

 

[Stella_Omega]

Congratulations! You just successfully pissed off every Domme and Topper over 40 and every sub & bottom under 40 all in just a couple of paragraphs. Pretty remarkable!


P.S. Just for fun, lets throw in all of those straight people over 40 (that obviously can't have any libido left )

I became much more Toppy in my 40's. Dunno if the age had anything to do with it or not.

 

[Safe_Bet]

Better Living Through Chemistry!!

I became much more Toppy in my 40's. Dunno if the age had anything to do with it or not.

Are you taking Chickagra?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Are you taking Chickagra?

Nope, naturally high

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Nope, naturally high

Uh-huh . . .



Testerone Poisoning Crosses Gender:
News At Eleven!

 

[Fallenfromgrace]

Safe Bet asked me to pop in to the thread (coz i never see new ones...) to give my input, but there isn't much i can give.

I was the more 'dominant' one with my Ex, which just shows how much of a pillow queen psychotic bitch she was (oops...), when I consider myself to be more submissive with Misty...albeit that we haven't explored this yet...*whistles* I put this down to lack of experience though, so perhaps it wont always be like this. I know that i want to take charge when it comes to sex with Misty at times, and she knows i want to...and we're both looking forward to the journey basically.

I think at the end of the day the point is to be comfortable with who you are, and what your needs are at the time. Hopefully in such a context you find someone who 'fits' with your needs, in that theirs are complimentary. I have heard from others that i know, that their roles are never set or rigid, and that whilst the roles may not reverse uniformly every time they touch each other, they don't remain static for long.

That said, i once heard someone i know talk about topping from the bottom

 

[Misty_Morning]

Safe Bet asked me to pop in to the thread (coz i never see new ones...) to give my input, but there isn't much i can give.

I was the more 'dominant' one with my Ex, which just shows how much of a pillow queen psychotic bitch she was (oops...), when I consider myself to be more submissive with Misty...albeit that we haven't explored this yet...*whistles* I put this down to lack of experience though, so perhaps it wont always be like this. I know that i want to take charge when it comes to sex with Misty at times, and she knows i want to...and we're both looking forward to the journey basically.

I think at the end of the day the point is to be comfortable with who you are, and what your needs are at the time. Hopefully in such a context you find someone who 'fits' with your needs, in that theirs are complimentary. I have heard from others that i know, that their roles are never set or rigid, and that whilst the roles may not reverse uniformly every time they touch each other, they don't remain static for long.

That said, i once heard someone i know talk about topping from the bottom

Heehee....she's soooo "cute" when she tries to top.


I have to agree kinda with the top wanting to bring pleasure to her partner...but mind you this act in itself is extremely pleasurable. The coolest is when I have an orgasm just by making Grace orgasm.

 

[Guest]

I became much more Toppy in my 40's. Dunno if the age had anything to do with it or not.

We could find that out together.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Uh-huh . . .


Testerone Poisoning Crosses Gender:
News At Eleven![/size]

yeah-- it was still a natural process though...

(I had a bit of T cross-placenta while pregnant with my son. The primary effects lasted about five years, I figure, and left some lasting personality changes)

 

[TheeGoatPig]

That said, i once heard someone i know talk about topping from the bottom

Howard Stern loved the term "power bottom".

 

[voluptuary_manque]

yeah-- it was still a natural process though...

(I had a bit of T cross-placenta while pregnant with my son. The primary effects lasted about five years, I figure, and left some lasting personality changes)

Hot damn! Another dissertation just waiting to be reseached. "What are the long-term effects of cross-placental testerone on mothers of male children?" Should insecure husbands pray for daughters?

 

[Guest]

Howard Stern loved the term "power bottom".

I think he was just talking about his ass.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I think he was just talking about his ass.

More likely through his ass.

 

[Stella_Omega]

That said, i once heard someone i know talk about topping from the bottom

Bottoming from the top is another possible scenario...