Free Levi Johnston

[shereads]

You know, we've all recently seen how the evil henchmen of the Republican Party captured this poor innocent out of his natural habitat and forced him into a shotgun wedding. Because, when the 17-year-old daughter of the VP candidate is out to here, it's just better that Levi was introduced as "the fiancee." Looks a little less white-trashy.

But, that doesn't change the fact that right now Levi is America's number-one political prisoner. But, Levi, you don't have to be. This is the 21st century at least in the blue states. You don't have to do this. You have options. You can pull a - you know, a "Juno." F*ck, you LIVE in Juneau!

Or you could do what most people do with an unwanted child: give it to Angelina Jolie!

And, look, if you're worried about the baby, don't. I mean, let's get real, dude. The way you are, at 18, that baby is better off not being around you. You'll wind up losing it or shooting it or--it'll be on the bottom of your skate or something. Just - just let the Palin womenfolk look after it for a while. One more infant in that Mormon compound they call a house - won't bother anybody. They will barely notice another kid at the table.

And soon they won't even remember whose seed it was that produced young "Trink" or "Truck" or... Puck, or whatever f*cked-up redneck name the give it.

In any event, we here at "Real Time" have taken the liberty of purchasing the website, FreeLevi.org. There it is: "Free Levi." And, it is yours to use if you want to use it to get folks to contribute to some sort of liberty fund so you can get enough money to get out of that frozen meth lab they call a town.

And even if the money doesn't come in, it's not too late. Just grab your skull bong--climb out the window and get on the highway. I can't actually come and get you, myself, or even let you stay at my place, because I'm pretty sure you'd smoke all my weed.

But, just call me from the pay phone. I know of a safe house you can stay in until after the election. It's - it's like the witness protection program for baby daddies.

And, remember, Levi, California knows how to PARTY! Trust me, son, the girls out here are going to love a big, high-sticking farm boy like you. You play your cards right, in a couple of weeks, you could be screwing the lesbian right out of Lindsay Lohan.

~ Bill Maher

 

[starrkers]

snerk


Oh and are you going to introduce us to Daisy? When did you get her? How old is she? What is she, etc

 

[shereads]

snerk


Oh and are you going to introduce us to Daisy? When did you get her? How old is she? What is she, etc

Snerk would be a great name for a dog.

They called her "Stormy" at the Humane Society, but I think that was her stripper name. She's about a year old, and seems to be part Jack Russell terrier, part dingo and part monkey. She also puts me in mind of Danger Mouse's hamster sidekick, Penfold.

 

[starrkers]

She's gorgeous.

 

[shereads]

She's gorgeous.

Why, thank you. She is also speedy. Likes to race other dogs at the park. Runs like a rabbit.

If you happen to have an extra squirrel, she'd love to take care of it for you. Daisy wants a squirrel more than she wants her next breath.

 

[shereads]

http://freelevi.org

 

[3113]

I was thinking about this today. I mean, this must really suck, right? You get some girl preggers either because she told you she was on birth control and you believed her, or you were too stoned to remember the condom and the fact that she believes in abstinence as the only form of B.C....anyway, whoops and now you're looking at fatherhood and child support. That's bad enough. But then she's also the daughter of the Governor! Yikes, that's bad, but hey, it's a sparsely populated state; the woman's not *that* powerful, right?

Then, suddenly, that Gov. is nominated as V.P. for the Republican party! OMG! The whole power and might and enormous conservative money machine descends on you and there ain't no way they're gonna let you get out of making that daughter an honest woman! (or making sure that you behave yourself!)

Now you're looking at being a dad, a husband and son-in-law to (maybe) the next VP or President of the U.S.! And you're left praying that McCain doesn't win because if he does, you are soooo screwed!

Poor guy. I have a suspicion I know who he's gonna vote for, if only to drop this nightmare back down to unpleasant dream.

 

[3113]

Oh, and Daisy looks like a real sweetie. I'm sure she loves her new mom. Can we have a few more pics of the new baby?

 

[shereads]

I was thinking about this today. I mean, this must really suck, right? You get some girl preggers either because she told you she was on birth control and you believed her, or you were too stoned to remember the condom and the fact that she believes in abstinence as the only form of B.C....anyway, whoops and now you're looking at fatherhood and child support. That's bad enough. But then she's also the daughter of the Governor! Yikes, that's bad, but hey, it's a sparsely populated state; the woman's not *that* powerful, right?

Then, suddenly, that Gov. is nominated as V.P. for the Republican party! OMG! The whole power and might and enormous conservative money machine descends on you and there ain't no way they're gonna let you get out of making that daughter an honest woman! (or making sure that you behave yourself!)

Now you're looking at being a dad, a husband and son-in-law to (maybe) the next VP or President of the U.S.! And you're left praying that McCain doesn't win because if he does, you are soooo screwed!

Poor guy. I have a suspicion I know who he's gonna vote for, if only to drop this nightmare back down to unpleasant dream.

Then there's the other perspective: The Whole Country Knows That My Boyfriend Was Forced to Marry Me Because My Mom Ran for Vice President.

They really should consider giving little Puck to Angelina Jolie. It's for the best.

 

[shereads]

Oh, and Daisy looks like a real sweetie. I'm sure she loves her new mom. Can we have a few more pics of the new baby?

Well, since you asked.



http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3249/2901080786_aba46731f1_o.jpg

 

[starrkers]

Well, since you asked.



http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3249/2901080786_aba46731f1_o.jpg

That's a real "squirrel? Did you say squirrel?" look

 

[voluptuary_manque]

My terror-ier has killed two more baby opossums in the last week. The poor things seem to be the bottom of the food chain around here and if you ask Pepper, she's the top. 'Cept she won't eat 'em. Just gives a crunch and heads back for the kibble and table scraps. However, she too, is a natural squirrel dog. It's enough to make me want to invest in a S&W .22 K-frame and take her a county or two north.

 

[Boxlicker101]

You know, he doesn't really have to marry the girl if he doesn't want to. He may have to pay child support, but he doesn't have to marry her. I think he was also aware she was the daughter of the governor.

By the way, I have seen Bristol Palin on the stage with her mother and siblings. She is a real hotty, and sharing a bed with her every night is certainly not the worst thing in the world.

 

[3113]

Well, since you asked.



http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3249/2901080786_aba46731f1_o.jpg

Oh! That's a gooood dog! That's a dog who loves her mom and plans to hunt down lots of squirrels for her.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Hey, Levi, vote Libertarian! We'll let you divorce. The Republicans would keep you in a fucking chastity belt if they win. Or at least your mom-in-law will. She probably has Todd in one already.

 

[Belegon]

You know, he doesn't really have to marry the girl if he doesn't want to. He may have to pay child support, but he doesn't have to marry her. I think he was also aware she was the daughter of the governor.

By the way, I have seen Bristol Palin on the stage with her mother and siblings. She is a real hotty, and sharing a bed with her every night is certainly not the worst thing in the world.

Do you really think he could manage to make it out of sight long enough?

Do you really think they are not extremely aware of what this kid telling ABC he doesn't want to get married would mean?

He'll keep quiet, because they will make sure he does. By Hook or by crook.

 

[3113]

He'll keep quiet, because they will make sure he does. By Hook or by crook.

I see plot bunnies!

 

[IrezumiKiss]

By the way, I have seen Bristol Palin on the stage with her mother and siblings. She is a real hotty, and sharing a bed with her every night is certainly not the worst thing in the world.

Correction: Sharing a bed with Bristol Palin every night without having a newborn baby's constant attention and presence getting in the way of great, carefree, youthful sex without abandon is certainly not the worst thing in the world to people of their age.

I foresee a lot of nights spent in another bedroom of the house, with the latest Jesse James and Carmen Luvana vid download, baby oil and a box of Kleenex.

Do you really think he could manage to make it out of sight long enough?

Do you really think they are not extremely aware of what this kid telling ABC he doesn't want to get married would mean?

He'll keep quiet, because they will make sure he does. By Hook or by crook.

There's a lot of remote, deep-water, icy fjords and hinterland wilderness reaches in Alaska. You could lose a body out there purty easily and the weather would surely preserve it like a heavy weighted, fast-sinking anchor at the bottom of the murk.

Just sayin'.

 

[shereads]

My terror-ier has killed two more baby opossums in the last week. The poor things seem to be the bottom of the food chain around here and if you ask Pepper, she's the top. 'Cept she won't eat 'em. Just gives a crunch and heads back for the kibble and table scraps. However, she too, is a natural squirrel dog. It's enough to make me want to invest in a S&W .22 K-frame and take her a county or two north.

Daisy is into pigeons now. Squirrels are so yesterday afternoon.

Edited to add:

Wow. In this two-post exchange we have inadvertently contrived at least half a dozen potential Palin baby names:

Crunch

Pepper

Chain

K-Frame

Squirrel

North

 

[3113]

Correction: Sharing a bed with Bristol Palin every night without having a newborn baby's constant attention and presence getting in the way of great, carefree, youthful sex without abandon is certainly not the worst thing in the world to people of their age.

Good point. And given abstinence only birth control it might be agonizing to share a bed with Bristol knowing you can't touch her unless you want another baby.

 

[shereads]

Good point. And given abstinence only birth control it might be agonizing to share a bed with Bristol knowing you can't touch her unless you want another baby.

I don't think they're against birth control, per se. Just knowledge of birth control.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Daisy is into pigeons now. Squirrels are so yesterday afternoon.

Edited to add:

Wow. In this two-post exchange we have inadvertently contrived at least half a dozen potential Palin baby names:

Crunch

Pepper

Chain

K-Frame

Squirrel

North

K-Frame Johnston -- hmmm . . . That has a really Alaskan ring to it, yanno? Or maybe Texas.

 

[shereads]

K-Frame Johnston -- hmmm . . . That has a really Alaskan ring to it, yanno? Or maybe Texas.

K-Frame Johnston would be a formidable baby, but Crunch Palin will be able to skin bears before she can walk.

 

[Safe_Bet]

Do you really think he could manage to make it out of sight long enough?

Do you really think they are not extremely aware of what this kid telling ABC he doesn't want to get married would mean?

He'll keep quiet, because they will make sure he does. By Hook or by crook.

30 seconds after he's out the door you'd hear "Todd, baby, go fire up the plane. Wee's go'en hunt'en!"

 

[voluptuary_manque]

K-Frame Johnston would be a formidable baby, but Crunch Palin will be able to skin bears before she can walk.

Hey, I got relatives up there yanno. Let's make it 'skin moose', please?


BTW, did you see that short flurry a couple of years back about the double-muscled baby that was born in

"BERLIN —

A genetic mutation made a Berlin boy extra strong, but the German doctor who has been studying the child since just after his birth nearly five years ago says he's just a regular kid.

The boy doesn't stand out among his peers on the playground, but when he puts his mind to it, he can perform feats of strength, said Dr. Markus Schuelke.

"He's a normal boy -- you don't see it, you wouldn't recognize him" out of a crowd, Schuelke said. "He can just lift heavy things."

The boy can hold seven-pound weights with arms extended, something many adults cannot do.

Schuelke started studying the super-strong boy after he was brought to Berlin's Charite hospital (search) shortly after birth because he was twitching.

That turned out to be nothing, but Schuelke, a pediatric neurologist, found that even though the boy was well within normal birth weight, he was particularly muscular.

Schuelke began conducting tests and found over the course of five years that the boy had a genetic mutation that boosts muscle growth.

It is the first human case where a mutant DNA segment was found to block production of a protein called myostatin (search) that limits muscle growth, though researchers discovered in 1997 that they could create mega-mice by "turning off" the gene that directs cells to produce the protein.

Schuelke, who worked with researchers from the United States, wrote about the case in Thursday's New England Journal of Medicine (search), where he said the discovery could possibly help in the fight against muscle diseases, like muscular dystrophy.

The boy, whose name Schuelke has promised not to divulge, has muscles twice the size of other children his age and half their body fat.

He was born to a muscular mother, a former sprinter. Her brother and three other relatives were also very strong -- one a construction worker with a talent for hefting curbstones.

Schuelke said scientists have no way to tell how common the boy's ability is, or if a legion of super-strong tykes will be discovered now that researchers have learned what to look for.

"How should we know?" Schuelke said. "We have the first case so far.""

Crunch Palin, indeed!


Hmmm . . . I seem to detect a plot bunny, here.