friends and sex...

[Munachi]

I was thinking about this the other day...

There are sometimes guys complaining about how if they don't make a move on the girl they like quickly, they won't have a chance anymore, because then "she sees him as a friend" and thus won't have sex with him anymore.

I was wondering if that really is the case - how many of the women here won't have sex with someone just because they know him for too long and thus see him as a friend now and thus as someone not to have sex with?

Because I have recently said something similar to a guy who keeps mentioning his interest in sex with me - and when thinking about it, I realized I am only saying it as an attempt to not hurt his feelings. He even is someone I actually had sex with once, but then not again first because we lived in different countries, and then when he moved here, I was in a relationship. He is a friend now, but while this may play into it a tiny bit, the main reason I don't want to have sex with him is, that I don't find him very attractive (the reason I had sex with him back then was mainly alcohol, and circumstances, I suppose)... and the also, that the sex with him wasn't anything to write home about. Now both things aren't very nice to tell him, so I used that friends-excuse...

So I was wondering - have others here ever used that excuse? Was it just an excuse? etc.

 

[impressive]

He is a friend now, but while this may play into it a tiny bit, the main reason I don't want to have sex with him is, that I don't find him very attractive (the reason I had sex with him back then was mainly alcohol, and circumstances, I suppose)... and the also, that the sex with him wasn't anything to write home about. Now both things aren't very nice to tell him, so I used that friends-excuse...

So I was wondering - have others here ever used that excuse? Was it just an excuse? etc.

I'm more likely to tell a friend -- male or female -- that I just don't feel any sparks. The disclosure will most like reveal whether the friend is a true friend or just a casual pal, which is something I prefer to know anyway.

 

[Munachi]

yeah well i am thinking i will tell him that if he starts with the topic again. i guess i am often too worried of hurting someone's feelings, when it might be easier on them to just tell the truth...

 

[OhMissScarlett]

I don't think I've ever used it as an excuse, but I have said it and meant it. Sometimes when you get to know someone well, it turns you off to having sex with them. When you know everything and there's no mystery, it makes it very difficult to have those exciting first feelings about someone. Eventually, you pass a certain point and attraction just isn't happening. You know too much! This might be the same thing that makes some long term relationships fizzle. Some people just need more mystery in their romance.

 

[Vermilion]

I don't think I've ever used it as an excuse, but I have said it and meant it. Sometimes when you get to know someone well, it turns you off to having sex with them. When you know everything and there's no mystery, it makes it very difficult to have those exciting first feelings about someone. Eventually, you pass a certain point and attraction just isn't happening. You know too much! This might be the same thing that makes some long term relationships fizzle. Some people just need more mystery in their romance.

True, it may also be why people who have been friend since childhood and no spark of romance spend a few years apart and then, when they meet up again - whoomph - sexual chemistry galore.
After all - over-familiarity with people, especially from childhood years, is going to ping incest feelings when it comes to sex, isn't it?

me personally? Don;t think i've ever used this reason for anyone...
x
V

 

[IrezumiKiss]

yeah well i am thinking i will tell him that if he starts with the topic again. i guess i am often too worried of hurting someone's feelings, when it might be easier on them to just tell the truth...

The fact that he "keeps mentioning" wanting sex with you just because you gave him a little bit way back when and now he figures you'll let him hit it again if he presses the point is pretty jive-assed of a "friend." I know this is the way some guys might think, but honestly, it's his issue and you don't owe him a damn thing outside of a hug goodnight. Tell him the truth and give that dude a wake-up call.

One-offs with friends are just that. Unless she wants me as a booty call and lets me know that, I don't go back there. I don't stop being a friend, but I'm not trying to drink my way back into her panties because I can't get any love from someone else.

 

[LaLaLilly]

The fact that he "keeps mentioning" wanting sex with you just because you gave him a little bit way back when and now he figures you'll let him hit it again if he presses the point is pretty jive-assed of a "friend." I know this is the way some guys might think, but honestly, it's his issue and you don't owe him a damn thing outside of a hug goodnight. Tell him the truth and give that dude a wake-up call.

One-offs with friends are just that. Unless she wants me as a booty call and lets me know that, I don't go back there. I don't stop being a friend, but I'm not trying to drink my way back into her panties because I can't get any love from someone else.

Zumi...you should write advice columns

 

[IrezumiKiss]

Zumi...you should write advice columns

Hmmm...

"Zumi's Advice For The Lovelorn & Horny?"

 

[johnnieblue44]

Zumi...you should write advice columns

I had a feeling you may jump into this thread...

As Elaine suggested to Jerry.."Sex..to save the friendship.."

 

[Vermilion]

Hmmm...

"Zumi's Advice For The Lovelorn & Horny?"

Totally - and I'd love to see the illustration for that!
x
V

 

[gauchecritic]

I go out of my way to annoy and upset the ladies of the AH just so that they can't say I'm their friend, just in case the occasion should arise.

 

[Vermilion]

I go out of my way to annoy and upset the ladies of the AH just so that they can't say I'm their friend, just in case the occasion should arise.

<snerk bordering on a toblerone spew>

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Sparks, schmarks. A friend is the one I'd most like to have sex with. Hot Mama is my best friend as well as lover/wife.

 

[Remec]

I go out of my way to annoy and upset the ladies of the AH just so that they can't say I'm their friend, just in case the occasion should arise.

Bwahahahaha!

(damn, wish I'd thought of that. Nahhh, I couldn't be that annoying, could I?)

 

[Safe_Bet]

I go out of my way to annoy and upset the ladies of the AH just so that they can't say I'm their friend, just in case the occasion should arise.

You don't upset or annoy me Gauche. Just saying that as a friend.

Hey, wanna have sex later?

 

[sweetness6280]

I'm more likely to tell a friend -- male or female -- that I just don't feel any sparks. The disclosure will most like reveal whether the friend is a true friend or just a casual pal, which is something I prefer to know anyway.

Agreed.

I always let friends know that I value their friendship more than I want their sex. I need to have a connection with someone before I can consider sex. Next, is chemistry. If either component isn't there, I don't play. No sexual experience is worth potentially damaging a friendship.

Thankfully, most of the time, my friends feel exactly the same way.

 

[rgraham666]

I've learned the hard way about friends and sex.

Not doing that again.

 

[Liar]

As a guy, let me be the first to say: It's not you, it's me.

As in, if I make a move, I make a move quickly, or I make it not at all. Not because I'm afraid I won't have a chance later, but because I have a feeling that initial zing of attraction that I myself is feeling will die out if I don't fuel it right away.

Said zing most often happens at first infatuation. Not always though. Sometimes you discover something new about somebody you thought you knew, and the zing is back.

 

[Liar]

And about tellnig a friend to back off... why need an excuse? Is "I'm just not into you" that insulting a thing to say to someone?

I mean, there are lots of gorgeous, fun, clever and sexy people who I don't feel sexually attracted to. Because there's something wrong with them? No. They're just not for me.

 

[xssve]

That must be tough for women - I can't imagine turning a woman down just because she's was a lousy lay...

 

[IrezumiKiss]

That must be tough for women - I can't imagine turning a woman down just because she's was a lousy lay...

It happens. But it only happens after you've been with that person once and you know that the negatives that come with doing it aren't worth the fucking for fucking's sake.

When a woman calls me back for a booty call, it means she's horny AND I'm doing something right by that booty. We men may not be so discriminating in order to get off good, but I don't wanna pretend I'm really enjoying myself just because she's giving it up and just laying there. That shit turns awkward really fast once you get off and you can't hide the truth in your eyes when you realize you could've stroked yourself to a better orgasm. I'd imagine a LOT of women deal with this sort of thing more than men ever do.

 

[NoJo]

I want to have sex with all of my female friends. I think I might be part Bonobo. Of course I'm still polite, because after all they are women

 

[xssve]

Well, I have turned down women I know who are great lays because they are otherwise a total pain in the ass.

 

[3113]

There are sometimes guys complaining about how if they don't make a move on the girl they like quickly, they won't have a chance anymore, because then "she sees him as a friend" and thus won't have sex with him anymore.

It's bullshit (IMHO). In 90% of the cases (this being my personal estimate), the boy is getting turned down by the girl because the girl feels no sparks and can't figure out a way to tell that to him because they are a "friend"--so the woman says the "friend" thing to sound nice. "You're a friend..." meaning, "I like you and don't want to lose you...but there aren't any sparks." Either that or "I don't want to have sex with you at all, but I was raised to be polite and saying that the thought of sex with you makes me want to throw-up would be impolite."

I was wondering if that really is the case - how many of the women here won't have sex with someone just because they know him for too long and thus see him as a friend now and thus as someone not to have sex with?

Turning it around--okay, if you've known the guy *long* enough, and see him as a brother, say, then maybe not. But I suspect there might be other elements involved in cases like that. Like, he's your brother's best friend and you don't want that complication. Or you know his parents and you really don't want to be his girlfriend and have to deal with them. And yes, there are people who make better friends than lovers, that's often just the case. But it does come down to sparks/no sparks--as VM pointed out, most successful relationships are one where the couple can say, "He/she is my best friend as well as my lover."

Because I have recently said something similar to a guy who keeps mentioning his interest in sex with me

Tell him the truth. Hope springs eternal, and this is true for both guys and girls. So long as he thinks there is a chance, he'll keep asking.

And no, I've never used the excuse.

That must be tough for women - I can't imagine turning a woman down just because she's was a lousy lay...

One of the best distinguishing marks between the sexes, though I know many a woman who will endure the lousy sex rather than be without a boyfriend and I think that's actually worse. I appreciate that about men, there's an honesty about sex: they want it and they'll take it even if it's not the best. It isn't mixed up in this emotional stew of "I hate the sex and it makes me miserable, but I hate being without a boyfriend more...." Blah, blah, blah.

 

[NoJo]

Well, I have turned down women I know who are great lays because they are otherwise a total pain in the ass.

turned down for what, exactly? Job positions? Surely not for sex