11-09-2008 Part-Time Princess, ReLaWrites

[Angeline]

Part-Time Princess
by RaLaWrites©


Long tresses the color of black molasses.
I like them and him, his skin, his glasses.
His wry smile as he whispers,
Vividly portraying pictures.
His princess with her spread thighs.
I arch my back, cry out and sigh.

A gentle flick against my clit.
I clench my teeth and make a fist.
My fingers entwine in his mane.
Sharp gasps, soft laughs and drops of rain.
An explosion of hair, it covers me.
His face is hidden and I can't see.
Not on purpose, it's what he wants.
To tease and arouse, excite, taunt.

He licks fast, hard. He knows I'm close.
The sweet, sticky juice is what he wants most.
He worships my cunt, loves me for me.
I don't feel the same as I start to scream.
I climax and smile, gaze into his eyes.
His look is a mixture of sad and surprised.
I stand up, wink and put on my sweater.
"You're always good, but Ray is better."

His eyes go wide and he starts to frown.
He's angry and livid but makes no sound.
It's not just that I want another.
It's just that "another" is also his brother.
I shrug and grin, curtsy and twirl.
"Told you I'm not a princess or good girl."
I head for the door but stop in my tracks.
I'm frozen in place, his eyes on my back.
"You've got nice hair, it turns me on.
It's thick, wavy and really long.
You wanted it too, no need to lie,
But I have to see Ray. So long, goodbye!"

 

[Safe_Bet]

You're a writer aren't you? You use verbs, nouns and adjectives to tell a story. You have done that here. To me, it is more of a story, than poem. Not that there aren't very good lines, but (here again this is just MY opinion) there needs to be more poetic imagery. As I OFTEN hear ( ), don't say it, show it. I'm hearing you loud and clear, but I'm not seeing it.

I'll pass along some wonderful guidance I recently received: Utilize the tools of "as" and "like" to show your reader things. Instead of saying, "A gentle flick against my clit", show me with something similar to, "like a serpent's tongue tasting my clit." Make me see the tongue flicking quickly out and then just a quickly being withdrawn.

 

[champagne1982]

You're a writer aren't you? You use verbs, nouns and adjectives to tell a story. You have done that here. To me, it is more of a story, than poem. Not that there aren't very good lines, but (here again this is just MY opinion) there needs to be more poetic imagery. As I OFTEN hear ( ), don't say it, show it. I'm hearing you loud and clear, but I'm not seeing it.

I'll pass along some wonderful guidance I recently received: Utilize the tools of "as" and "like" to show your reader things. Instead of saying, "A gentle flick against my clit", show me with something similar to, "like a serpent's tongue tasting my clit." Make me see the tongue flicking quickly out and then just a quickly being withdrawn.

Let's carry that simile further since not too many people would know what a serpent's tongue would feel like against their clit, we need to find a way to explain that sensation in terms the reader can relate to. Don't forget there are a number of people who don't have a clitoris so they don't know what a tongue feels like against it. You need to let them experiment with something they can relate to...

Like a velvet brush against my neck...

 

[naamplao]

This is my first poem. I'm an author on the site but writing a poem put me out of my comfort level which is sort of what I want.

I hope it's not too bad! Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated.

We all had to start somewhere when we decided to write poetry. It is a learning process that goes on forever, if you let it.

First of all, you have chosen to use rhyming couplets in your poem. I would have probably chosen not to rhyme the lines at all in this case, but rather use the rhythm of the lines to tell a story poem like this. However, if you are going to use rhyme in your poem make sure that the words do rhyme. There are several examples of couplets that don't end in rhyming words. These are a few in the first verse:

His wry smile as he whispers,
Vividly portraying pictures.

His princess with her spread thighs.
I arch my back, cry out and sigh.

The last example could be rescued I suppose by changing the last line to

arches her back, cries out in sighs

It does change your meaning slightly but the rhyme is better, though I don't like the rhythm of the line preceding it.

As you are a story writer of course you want to give as much detail as you feel the reader needs to understand the scene in the story. But in poetry you must relax that thought and give just enough to direct the flow of the poem and stir the imagination of the reader

Poetry is truly the art of "less is more"

I would avoid the "he did"/"she did" scenario. Make the reader assume one of the characters if you can. Use (for lack of a better phrase) more poetic phrasing. For example the first line

Long tresses the color of black molasses.

Long tresses of ebony molasses.

As a side point...I doubt you liked his glasses. The word was added to simply rhyme with molasses, right? I am not sure I would have chosen "molasses" to describe hair...it sounds like he has his hair full of gel to me...hahaha... yeah that rewrite changed the meaning big time, didn't it? But hopefully you get the point about reducing the number of words "the color" is not really needed.

I am not sure I would state bluntly that you "like" him as you do in the first verse, because in fact you don't or you would have treated him better. I understand you liked the body and the attention but you lulled the reader into sensing that you were with your lover...not a toy boy. The last verse is a bit jarring, though as a man I could understand "his" anger Perhaps this was your intent.

Those are my comments. Try a rewrite and post it again for comment. I have found this forum excellent for polishing several of my poems. I hope you do too.