Failure to Launch [non-political]

[JagFarlane]

So...watching the movie "Failure to Launch" and it got me thinking. My brother is closing in on 25yrs old and still lives with our mom, and no real sign that he'll be moving out in the next year. Part of it, is well, its damned expensive to live in NJ, particularly where he is. He does hold down a job, put its as a part-time driver for UPS, so doesn't pay all that great. But he's definatly putting a large strain on moms marriage and finances. Honestly, part of it I think he's too comfy.
But mostly I bring up the thread just so I find out who else has had similiar situations and perhaps a few suggestions on how they were resolved?

Anyone else have a sibling or cousin in a similiar situation?

 

[Monazwx]

I'm currently in a similar situation where I moved back home after college, so that I could save up enough of a down payment to stand on my own two feet permanately. I was trying to move by the end of the year, but I've had a few setbacks. If he's putting a strain on the finances, suggest that he pays rent, if he doesn't already. Also, let Mom speak to him about an exit plan, i.e. a timeline as to when he's moving out.

 

[Katyusha]

I agree with Monazwx about having him help out financially. If he's an adult and employed, he should at least be helping out with some of the bills or groceries...something to that effect if he can't pay your mom rent. It may or may not help him to look for better work so he can start looking for a place of his own, but it would definitely help out with your mother's finances. It might help out with her marriage, too,

 

[JagFarlane]

I'm currently in a similar situation where I moved back home after college, so that I could save up enough of a down payment to stand on my own two feet permanately. I was trying to move by the end of the year, but I've had a few setbacks. If he's putting a strain on the finances, suggest that he pays rent, if he doesn't already. Also, let Mom speak to him about an exit plan, i.e. a timeline as to when he's moving out.

Moms spoken to him. Problem is...he more or less doesn't care, and she has so much guilt from her affair and the resulting divorce...that she has a hard time saying no -shrugs-.
I can understand having finished college and having setbacks, at least you finished college and the job market is tough. He chose a major he didn't like, computers, failed all his certification tests, then bombed his first semester as a junior and dropped out. That was...in '04. He's had the opportunity to go back, Dad has offered to help him out, but he wants nothing to do with it.
-sigh- I'm just frustrated. I see the pain our mom deals with. I hear her struggles. I'm just worried for her. She's had a few medical issues in the past two years, and I know stress wears the body down a lot.

 

[Katyusha]

Moms spoken to him. Problem is...he more or less doesn't care, and she has so much guilt from her affair and the resulting divorce...that she has a hard time saying no -shrugs-

I hate to say it, but she's part of the problem if this is true. I don't know a single person that has never had problems saying no to family, hell, I let my sister take advantage of me for years because of that. Whether it's guilt over something or an overblown sense of responsibility (my case) or some other issue, if you're letting someone walk all over you then you're contributing greatly to the problem.

Something I've learned recently is that we can't change other people. We can't change the basic way they think or behave, their needs or wants or preferences. We can't make them care about what we want them to care about. The only thing we can change is the way we respond to these things, or what we do about these things. They have to want to make the change for themselves.

There's a book out by Patti Breitman and Connie Hatch that's called How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, and What Matters Most to You. I actually haven't read it but I need to, as I've been told by my therapist that one of my triggers is letting people take advantage of me. Your mother might benefit from it too. Nobody likes to feel like they're self-centered but there's a balance that must be struck between tending to others' needs or wants...and tending to our own.

The only way she can make him care is by making it hard for him to continue living the way he's living. Sadly, the problem's going to continue if she doesn't actually do something and stick to it...put her foot down and keep it there. Her finances will continue to struggle, and her marriage will continue to be strained. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life was kick my sister out of my house. It's not an easy thing to do. But there does come a time when we have to do what's best for US, rather than what we think is probably best, or easiest, for those around us.

 

[_Lynn_]

My daughter moved back in with her dad and I when I was still married to him. She was going back to college full-time, working a 40-hour a week job and trying to keep up. We agreed on rent and things went okay for a while. She and I didn't see eye-to-eye but she and her dad are alike and it was two to one.

More problems came after I'd left. She stayed out all night without letting her dad know or brought people home with her. Her part of the agreed on chores never got done and she mouthed off when he spoke to her. I sat back and watched.

She'd done that to me when I lived there but he didn't see it then. The blame came to me for 'picking' on her. He and I had words about it but never got anywhere.

Your mom is like my ex. They're enablers. As parents it's hard to tell your child no even when they're an adult. He let her get away with it all because it was easier than arguing or fighting with her. It took him almost a year to get fed up with it all. He saw it but wasn't ready to change it. Your mom just has to find the strength to be firm. Until then you can talk but she won't hear you until she's had enough.

The best thing he did was tell her she had to find somewhere else to live and give her a deadline. Then stick to it.

It still is a tough spot to be in.

 

[jomar]

Calling TheeGoatPig, calling TheegoatPig...your input is needed...

 

[Katyusha]

The best thing he did was tell her she had to find somewhere else to live and give her a deadline. Then stick to it.

It still is a tough spot to be in.

That's what I finally did with my sister. It was hard. She cried, she screamed, she stopped talking to me and stormed around the house, and I cried and hid a lot during that time myself. But it wasn't just the best decision for us, it was also the best decision for her.

Jag, maybe your mother could try and see it that way. What happens if there comes a time when she and her husband literally can't provide for him anymore? He needs to be able to get along on his own and he's not going to learn how if she keeps letting this happen...