Bowling Alone and modern day social isolation

[A Desert Rose]

Some stuff I read in another thread reminded me of this study. It was done a few years ago but I think it's still relevant. It's not a really long article, if you're inclined to read it.

http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2006/06/23/its_lonely_out_there/

A couple paragraphs from this article that I think are of interest:

The study by sociologists at Duke University and the University of Arizona provides powerful evidence for the argument that the country is becoming increasingly socially isolated even as cellphones, the Internet, and other technology make people more interconnected. The authors found that fully one-quarter of Americans say they have no one with whom to discuss their most important personal business.

... the new study, based on a comparison of data from national surveys in 1985 and 2004, captures escalating social isolation that began around 1965 as the rise of television, two-career households, and increasingly farflung suburbia combined to destroy old, close-knit neighborhoods. Putnam believes that growing isolation helps explain the escalating rate of depression and other signs of worsening mental and physical health.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Have to agree. I also think it explains the rise in crime, especially violent crime as depersonalisation becomes more widespread, personal connection and caring less.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

Have to agree. I also think it explains the rise in crime, especially violent crime as depersonalisation becomes more widespread, personal connection and caring less.

Catalina

Excellent point about the rise in crime.

Well... this was a good thread. What more can ya say?

THE END.



aaahhahhaahha

 

[FurryFury]

I think that people these days feel so disconnected from others. Most of us no longer have extended family gathers that used to be the normal thing once a week.

We don't hang around with our elders or our young and don't make ourselves available much of the time.

Instead we turn to elections which foster a false sense of connectedness. Sadly this can't make you feel physically connected.

Yet when were are out in public we separate ourselves from other by our actions such as sitting away from others then feeling hurt that others don't sit near us or by being on an electronic device in a vain ploy to feel special and connected.

If everyone would stop now and then and just give people touches or hugs I think the world would be a better place.

If when you went to a gather of any kind, you were truly there and engaged, fully participating, I think you and the world would be better off.

This is just my opinion. You can reach out. You don't have to be socially isolated. It just takes some effort. People generally react very favorably when you reach out to them.

 

[00Syd]

I agree. Even on my best days I'm pretty isolated. On my worst I become a hermet, never leaving unless I have to, I can go days at a time without reaching out and talking to anybody.

Technology, a lot of the time, exaserbates my depression. When I start feeling sorry for myself and like I want to be alone, technology makes it possible for me to go days at a time without seeing or actually talking to anyone.

This is just my opinion. You can reach out. You don't have to be socially isolated. It just takes some effort. People generally react very favorably when you reach out to them.

Its funny, but sometimes I find myself thinking about calling people to see if they want to hang out or get lunch or whatever, but this anxiety builds up of whether they'll say they can't and I find it so much easier to just never pick up the phone in the first place.

As far as family goes, I could see how that would be true. On my dad's side of the family, technology has nothing to do with why they don't talk to each other. On my mothers side, we still all stay wonderfully in touch. While we don't get a chance to get together as much as we like, when we get together, its truly an affair.

 

[FurryFury]

Unfortunately our (by our I mean, mine, my husband's, my ex husbands) families are all highly unpleasant and dysfunctional. Is it a failure in us that we don't choose to spend time with such people? I think not. However, in the past you just put up with it and went to the family gatherings anyway. I'll be honest I'd really like there to be such gatherings with people I liked.

This is where making your own family from strangers and friends comes into play.

One of the things I think electronics does these days is engage your mind on some level from minimally to deeply but not your body. When you work hard or work out it helps with the depression. When you are depressed you never want to do this.

People say they are bored all the time. What they really should be saying is that they are not correctly stimulated. That's an issue that they may not realize and it's totally on them.

Help build a house with habitat for humanity and you will find you are far less depressed? Why? Two main reasons apply IMO, you will get physical exercise. You will be reaching out and helping others that are incidentally likely to be less privileged than you. This provides human contact and good will within.

KWIM?

 

[Esclava]

I AM a bowler - how did you know that???

All the points raised are very valid in the light of how isolated we are and how it increases - even as we are alone while surrounded by a group of people.

While my grandmother still lives and is the matriarch of the family, I am the matriarch in the Metroplex (wow, sounds important, huh?). To that end, the Metroplex family members call me all the time; but, it's SELDOM for a 'hey, let's get together for lunch, water, anything!' kind of event. Most of the time, it is for a problem of some type or a need/issue to be resolved.

Frankly, I would rather bowl (and anything else) alone rather than have to fend off the "neediness" calls. Who needs a submissive? I've got grown children and a baby sister with a bully for a child ...

Esclava

 

[BeachGurl2]

Even on my best days I'm pretty isolated. On my worst I become a hermet, never leaving unless I have to, I can go days at a time without reaching out and talking to anybody.

This definitely describes me. And I find myself getting worse about it, especially when Bratgirl is at her dad's for the weekend. I may only leave to drop her off and pick her back up, spending the entire weekend in my apartment, talking to no one.

 

[Bandit58]

I moved to Sydney Australia nearly 5 years ago. I don't have any family here. Most of our friends live out in the western suburbs which is over an hour's drive away. We see them once a week during the speedway season, and occasionally more when there's some sort of function on.

Due to Sir's health we stay at home a lot of the time. I go to the gym once or twice a week, I have a personal trainer. She's really nice and we have a lot of fun while she trains me. I have a female "friend with benefits" I see occasionally....she's busy with family and work. Other than the occasional chat with the nurses at the hospital, and going out to lunch or dinner with Sir now and then, that is the extent of my socialising. I don't really mind - I don't need to be around people much.

 

[Netzach]

I work from home, but communication with humans is pretty endless. I've been forcing myself to get my jewelry into more shops lately just to get out and meet other designers and make vendor relationships and make that part of my life much less virtual than it is. I don't like doing my own fulfillment and customer service, but I love relationships with retailers who "get" my stuff and know how to sell it.

As for phone sex, you'd think it would burn me out on Lit forever. It does at times take all my sexual/mental attention up.

I have fewer friends than I'd like in an objective sense, but those I have are gold. I have told H he has to move here ASAP at this point, I'm missing him horribly.

 

[intothewoods]

Yeah, I first noticed this when I became a parent. It felt really lonely at first, since I don't have a big family.

 

[rinka]

I'm a single parent and my biological family lives far away. I have another family here though in my friends. We get together often and very casually, cook together, take care of each other's kids, help each other with practical stuff and emotional support. I'd go crazy without them.

Some of them used to live in my neighbourhood and that was really wonderful, going for walks, talking in the grocery store, spontaneous coffee or meals. Now they all live in another part of the city so I would like to move there as well if I could get an apartment.

In the suburb I would like to move to there is a community apartment building. Everyone have their own apartment, but there are common spaces in the house as well. Three times a week they have dinners in the dining room, everyone takes turns cooking and you choose how much you want to participate. There are also playrooms, workshop, sauna...

I would love to live there or in a similar building. Big cities isolate people and it can be so hard to get out and be with others when it takes planning, travelling time and all that. I really try though, but I miss having close friends at a walking distance.

 

[SweetGigi]

I have to agree that many people are becoming agoraphobic as time wears on and electronic devices make like easier to live such isolated lives. Gone are the days of needing to leave the house to do much of anything (if you so choose) and with it the need to see or experience human contact. It is a double edged sword for those who choose an agoraphobic lifestyle when you are not truly agoraphobic. We as humans generally crave socialization and contact with others. But when you can _basically_ receive a suedo form of contact via the internet, your need to have true contact (whether it is deep and meaningful or just a glance from a friendly face) dissipates. Only when you are in a full swing of all the nasty bits agoraphobic tendencies brings will a 'normal' person realize there is something wrong. True agoraphobes have absolutely no problem being alone and are truly scared or otherwise wary of the outside world. When you force a trait that isn't normal for an otherwise healthy person, it can only create problems.

My solution: turn your computers, your phones, your tellies off. Go outside and breathe the fresh air and experience life on a real time basis. Strike up a conversation with a total stranger just for the experience of it- even if it gets you some funny looks. I guarantee if more people would do this, there would be more joy spread through the world. I recently unplugged for a bit and it did wonders for my mental health and well being.

(btw, bandit, is that a tiffany's lock you have there in your av? They are lovely aren't they?)

 

[Bandit58]

(btw, bandit, is that a tiffany's lock you have there in your av? They are lovely aren't they?)

[hijack] Yes it is Sir saw it in a second hand jewellery shop a month or so ago and bought it for me. It never leaves my neck except to shower. It's referred to as my "bling", hence my title [/end hijack]

 

[SweetGigi]

[hijack] Yes it is Sir saw it in a second hand jewellery shop a month or so ago and bought it for me. It never leaves my neck except to shower. It's referred to as my "bling", hence my title [/end hijack]

I wore mine for several years as a place holder. Glad you like it.

 

[Noor]

I wore mine for several years as a place holder. Glad you like it.

what do you mean by "place holder?"

HI ADR!

I like being alone a lot, however I do get agoraphobic if I don't force myself outside everyday during the day. Its not people, its open spaces, going out after dark is different some how.

I have always used technology to communicate, as a kid I used the phone and letters, so the internet is just another medium. I prefer to work via phone or internet with some people interaction. I like to see my friends and family in person, traveling and meeting people, but outside of that I have no need to be with people.
I suppose I am good at channeling extrovert because many people don't realize I am an introvert. INTP-Bandit ;-)

 

[SweetGigi]

what do you mean by "place holder?"

i PMed you.

 

[Noor]

i PMed you.

Thanks!

I have been thinking about this more and I have a couple of thoughts.

Television isolates children in a way because its one way interaction, the Tv talks to them, they can talk back to it but it doesn't respond to them specifically. TV also helps isolate people in the sense that everything is in sound bites and people can start molding their opinions in the same way.

I also see a lot of relationship isolation. Relationships that get so skewed from healthy because the couples do not have any active current role models or feed back. They are not in and out of other peoples houses and lives to see what is going on, and can lose understanding of how people interact in a positive manner. It used to be one of the classic signs of an abuser was top isolate the abusee from their friends and family, now people do it to themselves. When things start getting out of hand there is no one to see, point it out or even be there to help if needed. I see a lot of serial monogamy where people essentially have the same relationship over and over again because they know no other way.
There is a strong feeling that people should fit perfectly or be replaced.

 

[BeachGurl2]

I'm a single parent and my biological family lives far away. I have another family here though in my friends. We get together often and very casually, cook together, take care of each other's kids, help each other with practical stuff and emotional support. I'd go crazy without them.

I would love to live there or in a similar building. Big cities isolate people and it can be so hard to get out and be with others when it takes planning, travelling time and all that. I really try though, but I miss having close friends at a walking distance.

When I lived in small towns, this is exactly how things were with my friends. We did all kinds of things together, our kids had ages that spanned about 10 years. We even vacationed together - Mexico, Lake Powell houseboat, Vegas, Southern California. It was great, and we always knew if something bad happened, all of us would be there to help out.

I moved to the city 2 1/2 years ago and have yet to make any real friends. The city is much more isolating, I think. I commute 45 minutes each way to work, Bratgirl is involved in after school stuff, and by the time the weekend rolls around, I have errands to catch up on, shopping to do, and very little time to do much in the way of meeting new people. So I spend most of my time away from work alone or with Bratgirl, just the two of us.

And I've noticed that has made me even more emotionally isolated - the more time I spend alone, the more I resist opening up emotionally to others. I'm not at all leaning toward agoraphobia, I try to get out as much as possible. But I don't talk to people on the phone anymore. Very rarely. I email or text, but rarely call. I'm not sure why that is.

 

[Lady_Midnight]

When I lived in small towns, this is exactly how things were with my friends. We did all kinds of things together, our kids had ages that spanned about 10 years. We even vacationed together - Mexico, Lake Powell houseboat, Vegas, Southern California. It was great, and we always knew if something bad happened, all of us would be there to help out.

I moved to the city 2 1/2 years ago and have yet to make any real friends. The city is much more isolating, I think. I commute 45 minutes each way to work, Bratgirl is involved in after school stuff, and by the time the weekend rolls around, I have errands to catch up on, shopping to do, and very little time to do much in the way of meeting new people. So I spend most of my time away from work alone or with Bratgirl, just the two of us.

And I've noticed that has made me even more emotionally isolated - the more time I spend alone, the more I resist opening up emotionally to others. I'm not at all leaning toward agoraphobia, I try to get out as much as possible. But I don't talk to people on the phone anymore. Very rarely. I email or text, but rarely call. I'm not sure why that is.

I noticed this too when I moved to the city from a small-ish town. Also, the amount of time it took me to go anywhere/do anything changed dramatically. In my hometown a quick trip to the shops for a couple of items could take a couple of hours, because there was always someone I knew stopping for a chat etc. Where I live now the same trip takes a few minutes because few people stop to chat. And few people smile at people they don't know...at home even strangers smile and say hello.

Where I live now, I was in the butcher's once and got chatting to an elderly lady. We had a lovely chat about nothing in particular...the weather, the price of food etc etc. To be honest I was in a rush that day and could have done without stopping, but I didn't like to be rude. Anyway, when it was time to move on, she said 'Thankyou for the chat - you're the first person I've talked to in days'. Brought it home to me how lonely and isolated people can be.

 

[celticsunspiral]

i have to agree with what has been posted so far about how society has made it more difficult to be social creatures. Many people have work and home stressors that make having time to make and talk with friends difficult, then you also have the difficulty of schedule differences etc. When you have time free others don't. And then of course you have to have the energy to do something.

i have very few close friends and none that i feel completely comfortable opening up to, my sis and another gf really is it for me. Alot of it for me is that i have always been in a different stage of life from others my age. i was married at 16 and had my daughter at 18, so when parents got together i have always been 5 to 10 years younger than them. i do participate in alot of things but not really on a deep friendship level more as acquantinces, and alot of time is still spent at home not talking with anyone. My hubby is a WOW freak so we don't talk alot and even when we are out he does not feel comfortable talking with others much, i am usually the one to introduce and keep conversation going.

Then of course there is the stress of the job and the energy that takes, by the time i get home i am lucky to have energy to do anything. Usually i am completly mentally and physically exhusted, and most of my friends are the same way.

Do you think America is more socially remote than other countries?

 

[A Desert Rose]

To answer your question: Since I've never lived in another country, I"m speaking with ignorance, but I'd guess, yes,, we probably are more socially isolated. But I think there's more than just technology as a factor.

In comparison, we are a bigger nation than most others and people have moved some distances from their families. I'm over 1,000 miles from both my brothers, their families and my father. and have been for almost 20 years. So, except for my children and my mom, I have no family close by. All of my kids' first cousins are that far away or more, too. I didn't move out here to get away from family but because of job opportunity.

A couple posters have mentioned growing up with weekly family gatherings, etc. I grew up like that, too with a very close extended family. I think extended families are (usually) important to individuals. They provide a safety net for us when times are hard and they enrich our lives. In most cases.

But I think that the size of America and the fact that many have moved great distances from their families, is part of the reason that some Americans might feel isolated, lonely and sometimes, depressed.

 

[A Desert Rose]

On another topic: Jane was so impressed that we could go someplace as far away as London and meet 2 of the nicest and most caring people that I'd made friends with on the internet.

My kids always have teased me about my online friends but when Jane actually got to meet them and find out how very nice and kind they are, I think she was a little surprised. By the same token, she also knew where I met these friends (a porn board and a really kinky one at that) so I'm not really sure what she expected when we met shyslave and Velvet Darkness. LOL But I do know that she fell in love with them and realized why I had. ;-)

There are a lot of places I could travel to or through and know someone (even remotely) who I'd love to meet. And a lot of places, that if I'd have some kind of trouble or misadventure, where there are internet friends I could call for help. If I ever got stranded in Minneapolis I could call Noor or in Atlanta, I could call WD or Des. I have a good friend on another board who lives in Chicago. I know that those friends would come through for me if I ever needed it.

So the internet has also expanded my friendships and my views. It's been a good thing in that regard.

 

[BeachGurl2]

My kids always have teased me about my online friends but when Jane actually got to meet them and find out how very nice and kind they are, I think she was a little surprised. By the same token, she also knew where I met these friends (a porn board and a really kinky one at that) so I'm not really sure what she expected when we met shyslave and Velvet Darkness. LOL But I do know that she fell in love with them and realized why I had. ;-)

So the internet has also expanded my friendships and my views. It's been a good thing in that regard.

Bratgirl is not quite 14 yet, and she's the same way (except I don't think she knows it's a kinky porn board). Last year when we traveled to GA for work she got to meet several wonderful people I'd met here and on another forum, and that changed her whole view about online friendships. She asks about them all the time and say to say hi to them. It made it more real for her, I think.

 

[alaskabibear]

Great Thread! My wife and I were just discussing this the other day, and I agree whole heartedly with what others have said about the growing isolation in our society. There is one other factor I think that is also an important contributor; that being the loss of traditional social customs. I notice this a lot here in Alaska with the Alaskan Native people. They (and many indigenous and emigrant groups) are striving to maintain the traditional cultures of their people. Unfortunately it seems like they are trying to stop the flow of the ocean's tide, what with all of the "mass media" influence our young people face today.

It strikes me that the world is in upheaval. Everywhere you look people are moving from village to town to city trying to find a better life (and often even from country to country). However, in the exchange for more "goods" and/or an easier life they loose family, tribe and culture. For most of us raised in this country we lost those things that rooted us to our people and defined "who we are" many generations ago. And now the things that defined "our people" have been replaced with stereotypical substitutes created by corporate marketers and delivered to us in the isolation of our living-rooms. I can remember traveling as a youth in the 1960's, of how one never knew what one would find in the next town. Each one had it's own "flavor" and each had a small cafe, a bar or two and other small independent businesses. And even back then the loss of culture had already begun. Now, if you travel you can hardly tell one town from the next - all the same stores and fast food joints.

Oh well, it helps just to know a lot of you are feeling the same way.