Why Is It So Hard?

[BiBunny]

I really, really, really don't want to get into specifics here because it's still something that's hard for me to face at the moment, so I hope y'all are understanding about me not being forthcoming with details.

Why is it that self-discovery is about the hardest damned thing in the world? Yes, I know I'm in my mid-twenties, and this is supposed to be when you learn all this stuff about yourself. But good Lord.

I was recently hit squarely in the face with the realization that I am pretty much nothing that I always believed I was. I suppose it doesn't sound like much, but I basically got every belief I ever had about myself yanked out from under me. I've realized that I've been building up a myth about myself that was so good that even I believed it.

But it's bullshit. And now I'm at a loss. I finally see myself for what I really am, but it's scary as fuck, and I don't know where to go next. The things that I THOUGHT I wanted were relatively easy to attain and located down a road that's fairly easily traveled. But now...the road's not looking so easy, and nothing's really guaranteed at all.

Theoretically, I know that nothing in life is guaranteed. But I've always been one of those people who has always HAD to be assured that everything was going to go well. Ok, I admit it--I'm a control freak. Right now, I feel like everything is out of my control, and it's terrifying.

Like I said, I don't want to discuss specifics, but rest assured that I'm not about to fly to Antarctica to be with some random Internet lover or anything goofy like that. It's more of a career and "how will the rest of my life play out" issue than anything. I don't expect any real advice, since I haven't given anybody anything to really work with, either. I just wanted to vent, and I figured if y'all didn't want to hear it, you could just ignore the thread.

Thanks bunches for tolerating me.

 

[midwestyankee]

I could have answered the title question much, much more easily without all of your explanatory text.

 

[CutieMouse]

Because (as someone keeps reminding me every time I bring it up) life isn't fair; sorry, toots.

But the cool thing is that you can still choose to be anything you want, even if it's scary as hell to do so.

 

[BiBunny]

I could have answered the title question much, much more easily without all of your explanatory text.

Because (as someone keeps reminding me every time I bring it up) life isn't fair; sorry, toots.

But the cool thing is that you can still choose to be anything you want, even if it's scary as hell to do so.

Yep, you're right. But geez. I hate having my whole life planned out and then, in typical Bunny trainwreck fashion, derailing it when I see the light of day.

 

[midwestyankee]

Bunny, the only thing we can know for sure about tomorrow is that it won't be today. What we know - or what we think we know - about ourselves, changes too. You are a skilled learner and so it's only inevitable that with every day your map of the world and your sense of your place on that map will change because each day brings new understanding and new insight.

Would you rather not be more knowledgeable about yourself now than you were yesterday?

I can't tell you anything about tomorrow with certainty, with the possible exception of this: if you step into the day with the expectation that you'll be a better, more knowledgeable person by the end of the day, then you will be. And if you don't you'll wish you had.

 

[Harmony_1985]

I really, really, really don't want to get into specifics here because it's still something that's hard for me to face at the moment, so I hope y'all are understanding about me not being forthcoming with details.

Why is it that self-discovery is about the hardest damned thing in the world? Yes, I know I'm in my mid-twenties, and this is supposed to be when you learn all this stuff about yourself. But good Lord.

I was recently hit squarely in the face with the realization that I am pretty much nothing that I always believed I was. I suppose it doesn't sound like much, but I basically got every belief I ever had about myself yanked out from under me. I've realized that I've been building up a myth about myself that was so good that even I believed it.

But it's bullshit. And now I'm at a loss. I finally see myself for what I really am, but it's scary as fuck, and I don't know where to go next. The things that I THOUGHT I wanted were relatively easy to attain and located down a road that's fairly easily traveled. But now...the road's not looking so easy, and nothing's really guaranteed at all.

Theoretically, I know that nothing in life is guaranteed. But I've always been one of those people who has always HAD to be assured that everything was going to go well. Ok, I admit it--I'm a control freak. Right now, I feel like everything is out of my control, and it's terrifying.

Like I said, I don't want to discuss specifics, but rest assured that I'm not about to fly to Antarctica to be with some random Internet lover or anything goofy like that. It's more of a career and "how will the rest of my life play out" issue than anything. I don't expect any real advice, since I haven't given anybody anything to really work with, either. I just wanted to vent, and I figured if y'all didn't want to hear it, you could just ignore the thread.

Thanks bunches for tolerating me.

Honey I can totally relate because this time last year, this is how I felt about my life.

I had a rough year last year. I almost died at christmas 06 because of problems that my gall stones caused and spent christmas in hospital (I was in for a whole week) while they sorted me out. 5 weeks later I was back in the hospital again with the same problems and they ended up taking my gall bladder out in emergency surgery. 34 staples, 5 stitches, a drain in my stomach, a tube down my nose and a morphine pump later and I'm on the mend. I was in hospital 9 days before they'd let me home after my surgery (I ended up being the 1 in 10 that has to have major abdominal surgery to remove their gall bladder, sod's law I believe thats called). I then spent another month and a half at home recovering, so in total I was off of work, university and the rest of my life for about 3 and a half months in total (before I got back to normal).

I got back into my routine and tried to just carry on as if nothing had happened, but it all got too much and I pretty much had a breakdown with my music tutor at university. Uni put me into counselling and by the end of the summer, I'd about got myself back on track.

But all that shit caused me to re-think what I was doing with my life completely. Before I got ill, I was going to be a teacher but I did alot of re-evaluating of my life while I was repeating the time I missed at uni and I decided that life is too short to spend it in a job where you spend more time focused on your job than enjoying your life.

And I did all this at 21/22.

You're still young and you have a long life ahead of you. Its true what they say tho; a near death experience does change your perspective off life.

What I will say is this tho (cos I've rambled too much) no matter how shit things may seem, or how conflicted you feel, there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel. It may take alot of searching for, and it may take you a while to get there, but it IS there, you just have to make sure you continue to search for it, because you won't be happy until find it.

{huggie}

 

[BiBunny]

Bunny, the only thing we can know for sure about tomorrow is that it won't be today. What we know - or what we think we know - about ourselves, changes too. You are a skilled learner and so it's only inevitable that with every day your map of the world and your sense of your place on that map will change because each day brings new understanding and new insight.

Would you rather not be more knowledgeable about yourself now than you were yesterday?

I can't tell you anything about tomorrow with certainty, with the possible exception of this: if you step into the day with the expectation that you'll be a better, more knowledgeable person by the end of the day, then you will be. And if you don't you'll wish you had.

*Nods* You're right, of course. But sometimes I wish I could be blissfully ignorant occasionally.

Thank you. And thanks to Ms. Mouse, too, since I didn't say it in my other post.

 

[Bi_Kitty]

I don't think you actually have been hit in the square in the face with something new; I just think you have always known it about yourself but truly did NOT want to accept it. Now that it was "dropped" in your front of your face you see that it sorta is true and seen by others than just the mirror.

Hell, what do I know? I'm going to bed!

 

[BiBunny]

Honey I can totally relate because this time last year, this is how I felt about my life.

I had a rough year last year. I almost died at christmas 06 because of problems that my gall stones caused and spent christmas in hospital (I was in for a whole week) while they sorted me out. 5 weeks later I was back in the hospital again with the same problems and they ended up taking my gall bladder out in emergency surgery. 34 staples, 5 stitches, a drain in my stomach, a tube down my nose and a morphine pump later and I'm on the mend. I was in hospital 9 days before they'd let me home after my surgery (I ended up being the 1 in 10 that has to have major abdominal surgery to remove their gall bladder, sod's law I believe thats called). I then spent another month and a half at home recovering, so in total I was off of work, university and the rest of my life for about 3 and a half months in total (before I got back to normal).

I got back into my routine and tried to just carry on as if nothing had happened, but it all got too much and I pretty much had a breakdown with my music tutor at university. Uni put me into counselling and by the end of the summer, I'd about got myself back on track.

But all that shit caused me to re-think what I was doing with my life completely. Before I got ill, I was going to be a teacher but I did alot of re-evaluating of my life while I was repeating the time I missed at uni and I decided that life is too short to spend it in a job where you spend more time focused on your job than enjoying your life.

And I did all this at 21/22.

You're still young and you have a long life ahead of you. Its true what they say tho; a near death experience does change your perspective off life.

What I will say is this tho (cos I've rambled too much) no matter how shit things may seem, or how conflicted you feel, there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel. It may take alot of searching for, and it may take you a while to get there, but it IS there, you just have to make sure you continue to search for it, because you won't be happy until find it.

{huggie}

*Hugs back*

Your story puts it into perspective for me. While what happened to me was rather unsettling, it was nothing so unsettling as a near-death experience. I do have things to be thankful for.

I think I just feel a little directionless at the moment. When the initial confusion passes, I should be able to get my feet back under me. Thank you for sharing with me.

 

[Netzach]

Bunny, the only thing we can know for sure about tomorrow is that it won't be today. What we know - or what we think we know - about ourselves, changes too. You are a skilled learner and so it's only inevitable that with every day your map of the world and your sense of your place on that map will change because each day brings new understanding and new insight.

Would you rather not be more knowledgeable about yourself now than you were yesterday?

I can't tell you anything about tomorrow with certainty, with the possible exception of this: if you step into the day with the expectation that you'll be a better, more knowledgeable person by the end of the day, then you will be. And if you don't you'll wish you had.

Yeah, that.

And don't forget you're going to know this intellectually but not really GRASP it down in your innards till you are 30, 40, 50 or until the NEXT time your plans derail.

Which points to the fact that planning is possibly the most overrated thing we do, but that's kind of where I come out of the Buddhist closet.

 

[BiBunny]

I don't think you actually have been hit in the square in the face with something new; I just think you have always known it about yourself but truly did NOT want to accept it. Now that it was "dropped" in your front of your face you see that it sorta is true and seen by others than just the mirror.

Hell, what do I know? I'm going to bed!

I think you're right, too, sweetie, and that's the hell of it. I tried so hard to fight against it and when I realized I couldn't, I not only feel confused but kind of betrayed by own heart for not doing what my head tells it to.

Night, honey. Love you.

 

[BiBunny]

Yeah, that.

And don't forget you're going to know this intellectually but not really GRASP it down in your innards till you are 30, 40, 50 or until the NEXT time your plans derail.

Which points to the fact that planning is possibly the most overrated thing we do, but that's kind of where I come out of the Buddhist closet.

You have a point.

 

[Netzach]

Every day really is all yours. It just seems not to be.

 

[BiBunny]

I think it all comes down to that old "road less traveled" cliche.

Do you go the way that's assured you'll be at least content, if not mind-blowingly happy, no matter what, or do you go the way of passion, the way where you'll be either ecstatic and fulfilled (more or less) for the rest of your days or you'll crash and burn so mightily that you'll go down in history as the World's Greatest Fuck-Up?

Tough stuff to ponder upon.

 

[Harmony_1985]

*Hugs back*

Your story puts it into perspective for me. While what happened to me was rather unsettling, it was nothing so unsettling as a near-death experience. I do have things to be thankful for.

I think I just feel a little directionless at the moment. When the initial confusion passes, I should be able to get my feet back under me. Thank you for sharing with me.

Everyone has things to be thankful for, and when shit gets you down thats what you have to try and remember. I remember the day I had my gall bladder surgery they admitted this girl to have her appendix out, and she was there the next day after her operation whinging on about how much it hurt and stuff. I was like "you have an inch long scar on the lower part of your abdomen, that's sod all compared to others, put it into perspective". Yeah what I went through was rough, but I'm now healthy and I'm living my life again; there were people on that ward who weren't getting out.

The biggest thing to remember is live your life for you. My dad tried everything to get me to want to teach again when I told him I didn't want to anymore. His motivation? £20,000 a year that NQT's get paid. Screw what I wanted, he just wanted to make sure I had money.

Remember the little things that make life worth living, and you'll be fine!

 

[intothewoods]

I think it all comes down to that old "road less traveled" cliche.

Do you go the way that's assured you'll be at least content, if not mind-blowingly happy, no matter what, or do you go the way of passion, the way where you'll be either ecstatic and fulfilled (more or less) for the rest of your days or you'll crash and burn so mightily that you'll go down in history as the World's Greatest Fuck-Up?

Tough stuff to ponder upon.

Ultimately it's not one big choice. You will choose a path, and then the path changes and then you choose another path and then you stop and hang out on the path for a while and then you go in a circle and then you decide to dig a hole under the path...okay, this metaphor isn't really getting me anywhere. But seriously, I really have my suspicions that there is any way to assure contentment, or on the other hand, that ecstacy/crashandburn can be sustained.

 

[Netzach]

Ultimately it's not one big choice. You will choose a path, and then the path changes and then you choose another path and then you stop and hang out on the path for a while and then you go in a circle and then you decide to dig a hole under the path...okay, this metaphor isn't really getting me anywhere. But seriously, I really have my suspicions that there is any way to assure contentment, or on the other hand, that ecstacy/crashandburn can be sustained.

Exactly that.

Dude, you are BI. Binaries are stupid. You can be safe when you need to preserve your life and limb and insane when you need to enjoy some chaos.

Robert Frost took the one road, but Walt Whitman (I know you hate him, I don't) climbed the trees and could see ALL the shit from up there. It's not how non-conforming you can be that determines greatness, its how well you put it all together.

 

[Netzach]

The biggest thing to remember is live your life for you. My dad tried everything to get me to want to teach again when I told him I didn't want to anymore. His motivation? £20,000 a year that NQT's get paid. Screw what I wanted, he just wanted to make sure I had money.

You are going to look back at him at some point, and completely, lucidly, understand why he wants you to have money now.

It's not that you have to accept that desire, but you will respect it. You'll have the money in your own way and in your own time, and when you have it you'll wonder why you ever spurned it. It allows you to DO things, it gives you access. Don't dis the value of access, as an artist.

This is what I mean by synthesis. You don't have to stop doing what you love, but you do have to figure out how to eat, how to pay bills, and sometimes the really audacious and crazy way IS the way (I'm going to be paid to paint!)

 

[BiBunny]

Blech. I'm probably being melodramatic.

It's just...my mind is still blown, honestly.

 

[FFOTS4Life]

Blech. I'm probably being melodramatic.

It's just...my mind is still blown, honestly.

Nah you're having the same reaction most people would have to having their plans turned upside down.

I don't know the details but I can tell you I know what is like to feel directionless...Oh God do I know what that is like.

I have just stopped making plans for my long term future...maybe that is a tad bit irresponsible but I figure that I will know what is right for me when it comes along...(especially with the whole career bit...I have an idea where I want to go just haven't nailed down the exact career.)

By the way when I am feeling a little down and out about my future I get in my car start driving and blast The Grassroot's "Let's Live for Today". It always makes me feel better...give it a shot - might clear your head.

Hope thinks start calming down for you. - Fotsie

 

[catalina_francisco]

The positive about such moments other than it being a turning point in itself, is it gives you a clean slate upon which to write your future and live it. Some rise to the challenge and love every minute, others let fear and procrastination, and sometimes the overwhelming misguided notion of failure, to control them and so let life pass them by and live to regret it at often a much too late a date to do anything about it. I don't see you being one of those 'lay down and die' negative types, more so taking the time you need to focus and then putting all you have into facing reality and gaining control of all you want yourself and your life to be.

Catalina

 

[YourCaptor]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lad129hR9-8

That song has led me to a bit of self realization. Maybe it can do the same for you.

Just over analyze the shit out of it.

Anyway, I hope you can rush right into this new direction without having to pause for depression in between. Much luck

 

[kinkyknickers]

Sometimes the best decissions in our lives are the ones that are forced upon us. Purely because we would never have thought to go in that direction because of our preconditioning. It can be totally bewildering but can lead to great adventures and new horizons.
Take your lemons and turn them into lemonade if you can.
KK

 

[Harmony_1985]

You are going to look back at him at some point, and completely, lucidly, understand why he wants you to have money now.

It's not that you have to accept that desire, but you will respect it. You'll have the money in your own way and in your own time, and when you have it you'll wonder why you ever spurned it. It allows you to DO things, it gives you access. Don't dis the value of access, as an artist.

This is what I mean by synthesis. You don't have to stop doing what you love, but you do have to figure out how to eat, how to pay bills, and sometimes the really audacious and crazy way IS the way (I'm going to be paid to paint!)

Oh I completely understand why he wanted me to continue. The only issue being is (and it pains me to speak like this) my dad is a selfish and egotistical man, whose thoughts revolve around money and his own needs.

He didn't care that I'd be unhappy and putting myself back in hospital with stress related illness, all he saw was 20 grand a year starting wage.

End of the day, I'm doing something now I enjoy AND its putting money in my pocket. Granted, no where near what I'd be getting as a teacher, but nursery nursing has never been a well paid profession. I'd rather be happy and making less than hate my job and doing it just for the money.

Blech. I'm probably being melodramatic.

It's just...my mind is still blown, honestly.

It's not melodrama, you're confused about life now. It happens. I floated for ages about what I wanted to do.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Everyone has things to be thankful for, and when shit gets you down thats what you have to try and remember. I remember the day I had my gall bladder surgery they admitted this girl to have her appendix out, and she was there the next day after her operation whinging on about how much it hurt and stuff. I was like "you have an inch long scar on the lower part of your abdomen, that's sod all compared to others, put it into perspective". Yeah what I went through was rough, but I'm now healthy and I'm living my life again; there were people on that ward who weren't getting out.

While I get what you are saying, and as someone who has always been chastised by doctors for not complaining and seeking medical attention for myself sooner, I think everyone has moments when they not only have the right to complain, but should not be made to feel guilty for it. Perhaps the scar was not as big as yours, but perhaps they were someone who felt pain more than you through no fault of their own, had unseen complications or added factors, or just were not used to being ill or incapacitated...their pain was their pain and they have a right to have it acknowledged more so than dismissed...the fact other people are considered worse off, or possibly dying, does not take one's own pain away. If not, we then begin to quantify who has a right to be treated and who doesn't, who deserves our care and/or empathy, and who rates highest on the 'right to whine' scale, and those are things which not only are not easily measured, but because they are different for each person, cannot be judged by another. Life is for living, but in living that life there is always room to care for others without expecting them to measure up to our expectations..it isn't always easy, granted, as we are mere humans.

Catalina