Reality vs. Fantasy

[crzyb68]

I have discussed having my wife do another woman she fantasies about being with another woman but won’t commit to doing it. She says that it’s better to keep it a fantasy. We have also talked about me suck a cock and/or letting a guy fuck me (which again she thinks about) but she just can’t commit to really living out the fantasy. Has anyone (male or female) else been in the same situation? Did you finally get to enjoy the fantasy? How did you get the person to finally say they would live out the fantasy?

 

[KShade]

You're on thin ice there.

Some fantasies should remain fantasies, when you've done everything life becomes less exciting. Never, ever, force people into "living out" a fantasy just because they have that fantasy. Chances are they may not like it. If your wife would rather just dream about it - let her. She's an adult (I hope) and will let you know if she decides to change her mind.

 

[human_male]

You're on thin ice there.

Some fantasies should remain fantasies, when you've done everything life becomes less exciting. Never, ever, force people into "living out" a fantasy just because they have that fantasy. Chances are they may not like it. If your wife would rather just dream about it - let her. She's an adult (I hope) and will let you know if she decides to change her mind.

Yeah I was gonna say this too. If she doesn't want to do it she doesn't want to do it.

 

[pa-guy]

I have discussed having my wife do another woman she fantasies about being with another woman but won’t commit to doing it. She says that it’s better to keep it a fantasy. We have also talked about me suck a cock and/or letting a guy fuck me (which again she thinks about) but she just can’t commit to really living out the fantasy. Has anyone (male or female) else been in the same situation? Did you finally get to enjoy the fantasy? How did you get the person to finally say they would live out the fantasy?

Yea, I don't think there will be a problem if you talk about it from time to time, but definitely don't force it. I can't foresee anything good coming from that path.

 

[sunandshadow]

She probably has one or more fears about bad things that might happen if the fantasy became a reality. Or, she might not be interested because she doesn't want it to be with some random person, but she might become more receptive if she met a specific person she thought was a good candidate for a playmate.

 

[TheReapersWife]

I have discussed having my wife do another woman she fantasies about being with another woman but won’t commit to doing it. She says that it’s better to keep it a fantasy. We have also talked about me suck a cock and/or letting a guy fuck me (which again she thinks about) but she just can’t commit to really living out the fantasy. Has anyone (male or female) else been in the same situation? Did you finally get to enjoy the fantasy? How did you get the person to finally say they would live out the fantasy?

I'm a wife who has homoerotic fantasies. But, like your wife, I prefer such things stay fantasy. I don't know you or your wife, but I'll explain how it is for me. Maybe it'll help you understand some.

First, let me explain the nature of pornography(I know it doesn't seem related, but stay with me; it'll make sense). Porn functions as a vehicle for fantasy. When a person watches porn they usually relate to the person of their same gender(like, a guy watching hetero porn imagines himself in the man's place; he sees himself performing as the man on the screen).

I am not able to imagine myself in fantasy and I never have. Seeing myself in the imaginary world or situations I've created, kind of breaks the "reality" of it down(my mind's like, "If she's HERE, then who's driving the bus...?"). I approach my fantasies like M. Night Shyamalan approaches his movies: as writer, director, AND actor. Since none of the characters in my fantasies are ME, they all retain a level of anonymity; a distance from my own identity, enabling me to feel comfortable imagining them. While controlling the direction of the plot, I also sneak around "backstage", slipping into the different roles like doning a mask. Although, I myself am never a character, I am always the actor in my fantasies and the one who plays all roles.

I cannot watch and enjoy heterosexual porn. I cannot see myself in the woman's place, but I'm also not sexually attracted to women, so the bouncing boobies and feminine orgasms make me uncomfortable. With M/M porn, I can feel attraction to both persons, and enjoy the fantasy as well.

Fantasy is about control. It's about making a world with your rules, where YOU rule, and everything is connected to you. I am the type of person who desires routine and structure. I dislike it when things change or when people stop by my house unexpectedly. And don't get me started about phone calls(I swear my mother has video cameras in my house, so she can call while my husband and I are having sex). Despite my homoerotic fantasies, I am repelled by the thought of my husband having sex with another man while I watch. It makes me sick with jealousy. Sex is a special expression of love between my husband and I. It signifies our deep connection to one another and respect for each other. To involve someone else in that would be like someone taking a shit using YOUR ass. It would be violating in the deepest most unnatural way, and be greatly disturbing to boot.

But even if your wife isn't a prude like me, who values her special sexual relationship with you(not saying she doesn't, just saying "if"), then it's much simpler: control. When you are having sex with another man, she can only benefit from sight. And even if she gets involved somehow, it's nothing compared to fantasy. In fantasy, you not only direct the characters, you ARE them. Every thought, feeling, sensation, and action, is YOURS. It's like being God.

So, in summary. Your wife may be hesitant to act on her fantasies because:

1. She values her sexual relationship with you too much to cheapen it by involving other people.

2. She's turned off by the lack of omnipotent control that reality presents.

Or

3. She, like me, is too shy to put herself onstage in her fantasy.

With lack of control and a hesitance to "perform" for others, there's no telling what could happen. Reality presents the possibility of rejection. Not to mention the let down the actual experience might turn out to be. In fantasy, you cum EVERY time; every orgasm is earth-shattering in it's intensity.

I hope that helps.

 

[lindahotstuff]

I understand and accept the Reaper's Wife's point of view. Fantasy and reality can be dangerous to mix and getting turned on by porn is different to bringing someone else into the bedroom.
But some of us can have perfectly wonderful and fulfilling lives with an extra man or woman, or both, in bed. Perhaps hubby and I are oversexed (I'm sure we are) but we can both clearly differentiate sex/lust from love. Our relationship is very strong but we both like fucking other people, but only do so when we are all together. Sex and multiple partners is part of our lifestyle. We find this very erotic but it strengthens rather than weakens our relationship.
This is of course the key, if a couple's relationship isn't strong, bringing a 3rd person into bed is going to make things worse, not better.
We moved from fantasy, talking about it whilst making love, to talking about it outside of bed in the cold light of day over a period of 2 years. Hubby wanted an FFm 3sum. I said that if we had a 3sum it would be 2 guys, so my fantasy had to be fulfilled before his was going to be. We placed some ads, discarded most contacts, eventually met a nice guy for drinks a couple of times and eventually ended up in bed. We both enjoyed the expereince and we moved on from theer to FFM and 4somes. I'm talking here abouta period of 2 or 3 years from our first 3sum to being 'born again' sexually. We like sexual variety. It's not for everyone, but there are many couples out there who are sexually fulfilling themselves and happily together.

 

[LadyC]

I have discussed having my wife do another woman she fantasies about being with another woman but won’t commit to doing it. She says that it’s better to keep it a fantasy. We have also talked about me suck a cock and/or letting a guy fuck me (which again she thinks about) but she just can’t commit to really living out the fantasy. Has anyone (male or female) else been in the same situation? Did you finally get to enjoy the fantasy? How did you get the person to finally say they would live out the fantasy?

Often, especially when one fantasizes about something or someone for a long time, reality can not measure up to the fantasy.

 

[amy amy]

It's just a fantasy, not a desire. Pure and simply. When I fantasize about something that turns me on, it has nothing to do with the desire to do that thing or be with that person in real life. That's what makes fantasies so wonderful. No rules, no let downs, no misunderstandings. Just fun.

 

[PT-NH]

Thanks for starting this thread, and some nicely thought out replies. My girl and I keep fantasizing and talking about bringing a man into our sex play some day for my first bi experience and for her to enjoy two men at once. I have been increasingly reading several posts here in GLBT about "sucking a cock with a woman present" and similar threads, and have started figuring out what approach I am comfortable with for possibly identifying a candidate and all the "logistics" involved. It is scary/daunting, but I've been trying to move forward.
This thread is a good balance to make me think whether the fantasy, dirty talk, and play with toys that we do might just be better than the real thing. If a first experience is not as expected it would be hard to go back to the fantasy since that bad image would be in our minds. hmmmm......