Looking around, apprehensivly

[KLCK]

So I have been checking out collarme out of simple curiosity to see what type of women are in my area who are interested in BDSM. I have no experience, so I am looking around more out of curiosity than actual seriousness.

Ive come to realize that there is a lot of pain in this sport. WHODDA THOUGHT? But no really I don't see to many women interested in light stuff or possibly just becoming friends. Many of the doms in my area (vegas) seem to be more inclined to legalized prostitution, as in giving them various expensive gifts for sessions. I am looking at doms because those seem like the kind of people who are more likely to teach about something. I don't really want to be dominated, I just kinda want someone to know in real life who can physically show me how to do things and maybe make mention of other inexperienced youths who dont really know what there doing.

I also dont like hitting...does that ostracize me from most of the BDSM community? The most hitting I would do would be spanking. I just don't really see much attraction in moder/heavy sadism or masochism.

 

[tbaycouple]

Sounds to me like you're kinda in my shoes!

My woman's a total BDSMer but I'm more into light stuff - roleplaying, light bondage, power games, teasing/denial, etc.

I've played with one Domme who was *very* nice but I can tell she's into far harder stuff than she tried me on.

I hope you can find a Domme here who's willing to educate you intellectually, if not necessarily in playtime - in my local club scene there are always a lot of people willing to "teach" and "train" newbies. Literotica seems to be community enough that hopefully one will come along and work with you on this.

*EDIT*

And I just discovered this is post #69 for me

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think a good beginning is looking at what you wish to bring to the relationship. You have spoken about what you don't want, and what you want them to do for you and your life, but nowhere have you said what you wish to offer. Most PYL's will expect something in return more so than them being a means to your end so to speak...IOW, they don't usually look for relationships where they are the ones serving another. It isn't meant t be harsh, but you need to have something with which to engage the attention of another to begin with more so than how they can help you out. It isn't easy finding a partner as you need to find someone you can share a relationship basis with in the first place (if a relationship of a romantic nature is where you want to go), then you have to match on some level D/s wise, and then hope you are both in the position to meet geographically at some point. It is possible though, just takes time, thought and patience.

Cataline

 

[Harmony_1985]

I'm not into alot of pain myself, despite having quite a threshold for it.

I love being spanked, and I love things like having my nipples pinched hard and bitten, but other than that I dislike the pain side.

 

[Bandit58]

I like a bit of pain - spanking, flogging, paddling, nipple pinching. But not to an extreme level. I also don't seem to bruise or mark as easily as I once did

Sir likes to keep me on the edge of orgasm, use restraints, tease me with a tickle feather, use ice....things which cause delicious sensation but no pain Pain is not necessary for us to enjoy play, it just adds another dimension to it

 

[VelvetDarkness]

BDSM, as we are often fond of saying on this forum, is really whatever the consenting adult participants define it as being. Any sexual scenario where power is exchanged and control is exercised by a dominant party is a part of the BDSM spectrum. Not everybody is an all out painwhore slave (like me) because if they were, it'd be boring and more importantly, limiting. (and i wouldn't feel quite so deviant and special )

People here pick their labels (dom, sub, master, slave, switch etc) because it gives other posters a very basic frame of reference. Beyond that, what level of play they enjoy is generally their own business. It's probable that those who like to keep play light and pain free aren't in the majority on boards like this because they don't feel like they're crossing some line where mainstream 'vanilla' relationships are concerned, they're less of a minority, which broadens the playing field for you.

There is no right or wrong in this game. There is no 'better' or 'worse' or kinkier than thou. As long as you enjoy what you do and it's all SSC (safe/sane/consensual) the n you can define yourself as whatever you like. You will find people who complement your interests.

 

[Bandit58]

BDSM, as we are often fond of saying on this forum, is really whatever the consenting adult participants define it as being. Any sexual scenario where power is exchanged and control is exercised by a dominant party is a part of the BDSM spectrum. Not everybody is an all out painwhore slave (like me) because if they were, it'd be boring and more importantly, limiting. (and i wouldn't feel quite so deviant and special )

People here pick their labels (dom, sub, master, slave, switch etc) because it gives other posters a very basic frame of reference. Beyond that, what level of play they enjoy is generally their own business. It's probable that those who like to keep play light and pain free aren't in the majority on boards like this because they don't feel like they're crossing some line where mainstream 'vanilla' relationships are concerned, they're less of a minority, which broadens the playing field for you.

There is no right or wrong in this game. There is no 'better' or 'worse' or kinkier than thou. As long as you enjoy what you do and it's all SSC (safe/sane/consensual) the n you can define yourself as whatever you like. You will find people who complement your interests.

Another way of looking at it is the BDSM smorgasbord or buffet - you take what suits you from the menu and leave the rest. There are things that Sir and I aren't interested in, we just don't do them

 

[subbie_333]

So I have been checking out collarme out of simple curiosity to see what type of women are in my area who are interested in BDSM. I have no experience, so I am looking around more out of curiosity than actual seriousness.

Ive come to realize that there is a lot of pain in this sport. WHODDA THOUGHT? But no really I don't see to many women interested in light stuff or possibly just becoming friends.

That might be part of your problem. Many times it is easier to learn something if you focus your attention on it. That is, if you want to learn about BDSM, then, read material about BDSM. But, if you want to establish a relationship and *then* explore BDSM, then focus on finding someone who is compatible in vanilla life. Those in vanilla life that are more tolerant of others (relating to sexual orientation, abortion, etc.) are more likely to be willing to explore BDSM in their relationships.

BDSM personals are more about people who have a much better understanding of what they are looking for in a BDSM relationship. If you want to browse personals, view it as a way to learn about different fetishes. If you want to place an ad yourself, you might be better suited to advertise yourself as looking to learn.

Many of the doms in my area (vegas) seem to be more inclined to legalized prostitution, as in giving them various expensive gifts for sessions.

You need to learn how to separate BDSM scenes (for pay or not) and prostitution. Most professional dominants do not engage in sexual play for pay. Are you willing to pay an educational institution (college, trade school, etc.) for them to teach you something? You can view professional dominants as a way to learn about BDSM, or, you can view them as a way to get your rocks off. But, your approach doesn't change whether or not they are a prostitute.

I am looking at doms because those seem like the kind of people who are more likely to teach about something. I don't really want to be dominated, I just kinda want someone to know in real life who can physically show me how to do things and maybe make mention of other inexperienced youths who dont really know what there doing.

You seem to be unsure about even what you want first. Sure, "teach about something" narrows it down, but, you need to be even more specific. Like, do you want to learn about the mental aspects of power exchange, or, why some impact toys deliver a different sting than others, or, how to assimilate in the BDSM community? If you are overwhelmed at the entirety of what BDSM encompasses, then you can procrastinate forever.

I also dont like hitting...does that ostracize me from most of the BDSM community?

No. One thing you need to learn is to not be judgmental of activities. You may think that you don't like something, but, might change your mind after learning about it. In any case, don't view something negatively in general just because it doesn't float your boat. You will probably get ostracized if you go around saying stuff like "hitting is a bad thing" as opposed to "hitting is not something I'm into, but, I have no problem if it is something that you want to do".

The most hitting I would do would be spanking. I just don't really see much attraction in moder/heavy sadism or masochism.

um, how can one spank without hitting an ass? Perhaps one place you can start with your learning is terminology. Also, when you say something like "I just don't really see much attraction in...." you can offend people who are into whatever you just shot down. Many will view that as disrespectful.

If you haven't learned already, one thing you will have to learn *very* quickly is the concept of "respect". It covers many areas. The best place to start with that is to not be judgmental of others, their property, and, their activities *especially* when you are also stating that you are inexperienced and want to learn. Many times the best way to learn is to shut your mouth, and, open your ears and mind.

 

[catalina_francisco]

um, how can one spank without hitting an ass? Perhaps one place you can start with your learning is terminology.

I took it they meant they would be at most be willing to spank with a hand as opposed to the all inclusive terminology used in the US which includes crops, canes, floggers etc., when speaking of spanking. I still think more in terms of what I grew up in understanding spanking to mean, that being with a hand only on butt type situation.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

The women who have bothered to go out into the BDSM scene are mostly like me. A little spanking and a little bossing around in bed are things that I can have if I want 'em with almost any human male who's not completely opposed. That's nice, but I am trying to meet people who want to scream for my amusement.

Not every night. Hell I don't remember the last time I did make anyone scream. But the possibility has to be there, the interest has to be there.

I don't need to go find the special events to get my needs met, in that case. I'm happily able to meet them in the dating pool.

If you are going to the BDSM events, most of the Dominant women there will, like me, have more elaborate interests they're trying to get matched up into there.

Approaching this with a "what am I going to do for YOU mentality" is appealing. Shy works if you are ungodly cute, like way cuter than I am. Charming and funny work really well too.

 

[Netzach]

blah, double

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Don't just look at approaching professionals. Vegas has a very active BDSM community. Get involved, meet people, make friends...

To find local Munches, email groups, and events in your area, try:

SceneUSA - http://www.darkheart.com/sceneusa.html

Caryl's Page - http://www.drkdesyre.com/

The BDSM Events Page - http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/ which has links to both organizations AND events.

SirPaul's National Munch Page - http://phoenixdragon.dreamknight87.com/nmp.htm

 

[subbie_333]

I took it they meant they would be at most be willing to spank with a hand as opposed to the all inclusive terminology used in the US which includes crops, canes, floggers etc., when speaking of spanking. I still think more in terms of what I grew up in understanding spanking to mean, that being with a hand only on butt type situation.

Catalina

um, i'm in the US, and, it seems that most of the folks i have run into believe spanking to mean using the hand, or, or maybe something small like a hairbrush or something flat like a paddle. But, regardless, how can one "spank" without "hitting"? My comment was more related to the ambiguity of the all encompassing term "hitting", especially if an inexperienced person might want to reference the vanilla definition that includes punching. Or, if the initial concern was the concept of "hitting" as punishment or abuse, as opposed to the term/concept of "impact play"

 

[catalina_francisco]

um, i'm in the US, and, it seems that most of the folks i have run into believe spanking to mean using the hand, or, or maybe something small like a hairbrush or something flat like a paddle. But, regardless, how can one "spank" without "hitting"? My comment was more related to the ambiguity of the all encompassing term "hitting", especially if an inexperienced person might want to reference the vanilla definition that includes punching.

Yep, and it took awhile before I realised via discussions here that in the USA spanking can mean something other than just hand application...and most here who were US based clarified it could include hairbrush, paddles, crop, flogger etc., which surprised the heck out of me as when I was searching I talked with a lot of US PYL's and met a couple and never was their understanding or definition any different to mine in terms of what spanking entailed or defined.

To be fair to the OP, their statement said they did not think they liked hitting and that the most they could see themselves doing in terms of hitting was to spank...so they didn't rule out hitting altogether, just defined their limits at this point. I think it is good to know one's limits, but also worth noting what many find is their limits change over time and with experience and often what was once not ever possible, no way, becomes possible and even a favourite.

Catalina

Catalina

 

[desertslave]

Evil Geoff has some great links there! I think attending a munch and getting to know real, live people is a great way to start. Most folks are friendly, and a munch is an easy, relaxed way to get to know people and begin learning. Most munches are held at a neutral place, like a restaurant, and may (or may not) break up in to smaller groups afterwards. They're usually outwardly vanilla and pretty much non-threatening. Go, talk, ask questions, be yourself, and have fun!

 

[Homburg]

That's nice, but I am trying to meet people who want to scream for my amusement.

This distills the experience down to its' absolute essence.

Pure poetry

 

[Homburg]

Yep, and it took awhile before I realised via discussions here that in the USA spanking can mean something other than just hand application...and most here who were US based clarified it could include hairbrush, paddles, crop, flogger etc., which surprised the heck out of me as when I was searching I talked with a lot of US PYL's and met a couple and never was their understanding or definition any different to mine in terms of what spanking entailed or defined.

Catalina

I'm still boggled by this. In my world, spanking means hand on ass. If you're using an implement, the activity then becomes named after the implement used, ie paddling, caning, etc

 

[subbie_333]

I'm still boggled by this. In my world, spanking means hand on ass. If you're using an implement, the activity then becomes named after the implement used, ie paddling, caning, etc

Yeah, especially when it is caning or flogging. i think more along the lines of Over-The-Knee, in which a hairbrush or small paddle is still doable.

 

[Homburg]

Yeah, especially when it is caning or flogging. i think more along the lines of Over-The-Knee, in which a hairbrush or small paddle is still doable.

I can see that, but OTK isn't spanking specific. OTK describes the position, not the action. So it would make sense not to assume that OTK equates to spanking. But, damn, spanking is spanking in my book

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm still boggled by this. In my world, spanking means hand on ass. If you're using an implement, the activity then becomes named after the implement used, ie paddling, caning, etc

Same here, hence why I was so surprised when it came up on the forum and serijules (from memory..though that is a bit fuzzy at the moment so could have been another) and few others pointed out that spanking meant more than hand on arse and covered various implements which might also be used. I had never come across that before when I was talking to or playing with PYL's from the US or anywhere else. I still tend to think in terms of spanking = hand on butt unless in discussions here, and even then have to remind myself it might be meant otherwise.

Catalina

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Like Homburg my own experience is spanking = hand-to-ass or, in a disciplinary mode, belt-to-ass. Which is why I think many use the term "spanking" as any smacking of the ass by any implement.

As a child, in my world "spanking" was a punishment and was ALWAYS a hand to the ass by my parents. However, I knew other kids would tell me they got "spanked" by mom or dad using a belt. Some also called that "getting a whipping".

EVERYONE called getting swatted with a hickory or willow switch "switching" though. I don't recall anyone calling it "spanking".

In my kink world "paddling" covers the use of wood, metal, plastic or hard or semi-flexible leather implements - paddles, straps, tawes, brushes, cooking spoons, shoes, ping-pong paddles, spatulas and other improvised hard instruments of ass destruction, etc. "Caning" is of course canes and rods. "Birching" is bundles of thin canes. The use of crops is "Cropping" (though in some circles they are included in caning).

Your mileage may vary by state, region, nation of origin, or kinky background.

 

[subbie_333]

I can see that, but OTK isn't spanking specific. OTK describes the position, not the action. So it would make sense not to assume that OTK equates to spanking. But, damn, spanking is spanking in my book

Oh, i understand. What i was referring to with the OTK comment was that physically it is difficult to use a flogger or a cane *in* the OTK position. Yes, spankings can happen in other positions. i was just using OTK as a parameter.

 

[midwestyankee]

Like Homburg my own experience is spanking = hand-to-ass or, in a disciplinary mode, belt-to-ass. Which is why I think many use the term "spanking" as any smacking of the ass by any implement.

As a child, in my world "spanking" was a punishment and was ALWAYS a hand to the ass by my parents. However, I knew other kids would tell me they got "spanked" by mom or dad using a belt. Some also called that "getting a whipping".

EVERYONE called getting swatted with a hickory or willow switch "switching" though. I don't recall anyone calling it "spanking".

In my kink world "paddling" covers the use of wood, metal, plastic or hard or semi-flexible leather implements - paddles, straps, tawes, brushes, cooking spoons, shoes, ping-pong paddles, spatulas and other improvised hard instruments of ass destruction, etc. "Caning" is of course canes and rods. "Birching" is bundles of thin canes. The use of crops is "Cropping" (though in some circles they are included in caning).

Your mileage may vary by state, region, nation of origin, or kinky background.

It makes perfectly good sense to me that some variations in usage would have developed in various regional bdsm communities. After all, that's what happened to make it challenging for a downeast yankee to converse meaningfully with an appalachian mountaineer. That said, I would expect some smoothing out of these variations over time as broad and voluminous interaction via the internet brings to bear subtle pressures for everyone to use common terminology in order to communicate effectively.

 

[Valcorie]

Don't just look at approaching professionals. Vegas has a very active BDSM community. Get involved, meet people, make friends...

To find local Munches, email groups, and events in your area, try:

SceneUSA - http://www.darkheart.com/sceneusa.html

Caryl's Page - http://www.drkdesyre.com/

The BDSM Events Page - http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/ which has links to both organizations AND events.

SirPaul's National Munch Page - http://phoenixdragon.dreamknight87.com/nmp.htm

I think this is an excellent idea. when I was trying to find out more a few years ago I contacted the wet spot in Seattle. Perhaps you can find some group in your area that has a 'social' event you can meet people at and ask questions, or classes you can take.

Good luck!