The Hook

[SweetWitch]

Here's one for you:

Eyes so dark as to be glittering black diamonds—that was Melinda’s first impression as she turned to see the man who glared at her from across the terminal.

 

[impressive]

Here's one for you:

Eyes so dark as to be glittering black diamonds—that was Melinda’s first impression as she turned to see the man who glared at her from across the terminal.

I attended a seminar with an author/editor (Mike Sirota) once who said he wouldn't read past the first sentence if it contained a "to be" verb. That, in my opinion, is rather extreme. Still, I do try to avoid using is/was and have/had as much as possible. There's usually a more evocative alternative.

 

[SweetWitch]

I attended a seminar with an author/editor (Mike Sirota) once who said he wouldn't read past the first sentence if it contained a "to be" verb. That, in my opinion, is rather extreme. Still, I do try to avoid using is/was and have/had as much as possible. There's usually a more evocative alternative.

It's from a story that a friend wrote. I'll pass your words on to her.

I liked the sentence because I wonder what the woman did to make someone mad in an airport terminal. That's just me, though.

I'm off to the cube farm. Ugh. Have a good one.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I so totally suck at first lines, IMO;

"The air was warm, humid and redolent of the Virginia pine forest she was tramping through. Crickets and cicadas celebrated the last weeks of summer."

That's the beginning of a five-page BDSM stroker.

Another one starts;
“God damn, feels good to be clean again!” Gloria announced."
And then it's beatings and buggery, for 17,00 words.

If I were a musician, my songs would start with some gentle acoustic melody, before the power chords began. Hey, it works for Led Zepplin...

 

[Belegon]

It's from a story that a friend wrote. I'll pass your words on to her.

I liked the sentence because I wonder what the woman did to make someone mad in an airport terminal. That's just me, though.

I'm off to the cube farm. Ugh. Have a good one.

There's no reason to lose that image, though.

I believe that my writing is better because I have worked under the direction of my primary editor to eliminate "to be" verbs as much as possible. It forces me to try harder, for one thing. So yeah, I would probably try to reword it.

That doesn't mean that image needs to be eliminated.

Also, I am wary of trying to re-engineer things too much. Like I said earlier,you don't want to get so focused on fixing and re-fixing your first paragraph so much that you lose momentum and don't move forward.

For example, I might try:
The man glared at Melinda from across the terminal; his eyes, dark as glittering black diamonds, the first thing she noticed.

But I can break down my restating of the sentence and find as many or more flaws than in the original.

As an editor, I don't give directives. I give suggestions. I don't want to rewrite my authors work, I want to encourage them to be the best they can. Unless we are talking about an obvious grammatical error, I don't dictate.

Sure, if they say a man's eyes are blue in one paragraph and call them green in the next, I'll point it out. Also, if a turn of phrase or an adjective doesn't work for me, I'll be sure to say so.

But my name is in small print on the back of the title page. Theirs is the one on the cover.

 

[Equinoxe]

On the topic of the 'Eyes so dark' sentence with its copula

I think the image as the start of the sentence is central to its feeling, so the best copula-free alternative might be simply to remove "so" and "to be":
Eyes dark as glittering black diamonds—that was Melinda’s first impression as she turned to see the man who glared at her from across the terminal.

 

[oggbashan]

The hook for Literotica stories has to be in the title since that is all that most readers see before they click on the story.

DurtGurl wrote great titles...

Og

 

[Belegon]

The hook for Literotica stories has to be in the title since that is all that most readers see before they click on the story.

DurtGurl wrote great titles...

Og

It's a good point, and not just specific to Lit... a good title can be important. But it is not really what we are discussing here.

I'd suggest we leave the importance of titles to a separate thread.

 

[Belegon]

I think the image as the start of the sentence is central to its feeling, so the best copula-free alternative might be simply to remove "so" and "to be":
Eyes dark as glittering black diamonds—that was Melinda’s first impression as she turned to see the man who glared at her from across the terminal.

I think that is a better editing decision because it retains more of the flavor imparted by the author.

I don't want to change an authors style. I want to refine it. Not cut the gem, but polish it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I would also feel that 'dark' and 'black' are redundant-- that was the first thing I noticed.

 

[gauchecritic]

I don't think a first line has to be a hook (a leader, a tempter, whatever you want to call it) and I think a single line with lots of clauses comprises a paragraph anyway.

I'd say it's the first part of the first page (however you want to define part) I know that with book browsing, as with Lit stories, it's very rare that I backclick or put the book down before I've read about two or three paragraphs at least.

My first story for Lit begins:

'So tell me, Robert'

She paused; her tongue flickered across her lips,

'Just how much are you willing to learn?'

after that it gets really quite strokey. I'd say that's a pretty good hook for a first attempt.

Two years later I wrote
"I remember when my mother was 63, I was in my thirties at the time, and she was often quite lucid in those days and would surprise everyone with her insight and wisdom."

Not quite as hooky but the following paragraphs and story are probably my best work on the site (going by comments)

By my own standards I would probably back click the first one (or at least skim) and the second would have me willing to immerse myself in an opposite sex pov.

So the hook in the second story is in the title (Gliding) in the first few paragraphs (epitome of sensual youth as defined by 'gliding') and in the whole story (lifting the spirits of a woman with poor 'body image' by 'gliding' naked beneath her clothes)

So maybe the 'hook' for visitors to Lit is pre-supposed by it being an erotica site and our first lines/paragraphs are the line (or possibly sinker)

 

[SweetWitch]

I think the image as the start of the sentence is central to its feeling, so the best copula-free alternative might be simply to remove "so" and "to be":
Eyes dark as glittering black diamonds—that was Melinda’s first impression as she turned to see the man who glared at her from across the terminal.

Absolutely delicious. It certainly fires the imagination.

 

[SweetWitch]

It's a good point, and not just specific to Lit... a good title can be important. But it is not really what we are discussing here.

I'd suggest we leave the importance of titles to a separate thread.

A fine idea for a whole new writerly thread.

 

[DeeZire]

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.

The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger

--

FRANCIS MARION TARWATER'S uncle had been dead for only half-a-day when the boy got too drunk to finish digging his grave and a Negro named Buford Munson, who had come to get a jug filled, had to finish it and drag the body from the breakfast table where it was still sitting and bury it in a decent and Christian way, with the sign of its Saviour at the head of the grave and enough dirt on top to keep the dogs from digging it up.

The Violent Bear It Away, Flannery O’Connor

So, are these sentences too long by todays standards? If I had written them, I'b be trying to break them up, especially after seeing comments around here by various editors and other brainiacs suggesting that long sentences are a turnoff for the reader.

 

[Stella_Omega]

So, are these sentences too long by todays standards? If I had written them, I'b be trying to break them up, especially after seeing comments around here by various editors and other brainiacs suggesting that long sentences are a turnoff for the reader.

Probably too long by some internet standards, but not by my preferences.

There is a definite fashion for terse, lean writing at the moment.

 

[sr71plt]

So, are these sentences too long by todays standards? If I had written them, I'b be trying to break them up, especially after seeing comments around here by various editors and other brainiacs suggesting that long sentences are a turnoff for the reader.

Yes, they would be considered too long by today's standards. These two authors were known for their long sentences, though. Some of their contemporaries were already going short and starting to make that trend popular.

 

[SweetWitch]

Yes, they would be considered too long by today's standards. These two authors were known for their long sentences, though. Some of their contemporaries were already going short and starting to make that trend popular.

I'm with Stella on this, but I devour literature. Still, my own writing tends to start out with that short bang. I think I might just change that a bit.

 

[Guest]

I read Anna Karenina in Mandarin because I liked the opening.

 

[Iamcanadian28]

Probably too long by some internet standards, but not by my preferences.

There is a definite fashion for terse, lean writing at the moment.

Yes by today's standards it is too long, but I do tend to prefer a longer sentence style myself as well. Their is much to be said for a variety of sentence lengths.

 

[Guest]

I read Anna Karenina in Mandarin because I liked the opening.

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

Everything was in confusion in the Oblonskys' house. The wife had discovered that the husband was carrying on an intrigue with a French girl, who had been a governess in their family, and she had announced to her husband that she could not go on living in the same house with him. This position of affairs had now lasted three days, and not only the husband and wife themselves, but all the members of their family and household, were painfully conscious of it. Every person in the house felt that there was so sense in their living together, and that the stray people brought together by chance in any inn had more in common with one another than they, the members of the family and household of the Oblonskys. The wife did not leave her own room, the husband had not been at home for three days. The children ran wild all over the house; the English governess quarreled with the housekeeper, and wrote to a friend asking her to look out for a new situation for her; the man-cook had walked of the day before just at dinner-time; the kitchen-maid, and the coachman had given warning.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I've been combing through my files, trying to find a long beginning sentence. If I had any, they've all been edited into shorter pieces.

 

[SweetWitch]

I've been combing through my files, trying to find a long beginning sentence. If I had any, they've all been edited into shorter pieces.

I've been doing the same since last night. Strange how they all seemed too long and now too short.

 

[sr71plt]

I don't agonize over my first sentences. I usually just sit down and start writing, my mind having already composed an opening. And in review, I almost never decide to change the first sentence. I write both literary and "pop," and I find that my literary pieces usually have fuller, more lush openings, with longer sentences, and the "pop" ones are shorter, punchier, and "eh what?" (which agents/publishers say is what they want).

After a whole lot of work with mainstream editors, I also now automatically start off in the middle of some action. For years I watched my first several paragraphs being sliced off--so now I just do that myself in my mind and start where the work is probably going to start anyway.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I read Anna Karenina in Mandarin because I liked the opening.

In MANDARIN?

I've been doing the same since last night. Strange how they all seemed too long and now too short.

Here's two para's that have that long rhythm, if not completely long sentences (fanfic, never published: I can't be arsed to change names, plsforgive)

On this side of the world, the Southern Cross famously reigns over the night sky, and the Moon rides from east to west in a more northerly quadrant of a night. Jamie Martingale had seen these particular harbingers before, in company with the crew of the Black Pearl and the infamous Jack Sparrow; this night was exceptional because the company consisted only of Jamie and his captain. Sparrow had followed him up into the maintop, bringing a bottle along with him, and Jamie had no choice but to accept his presence with as much grace as he could muster.

In truth, he'd come up for solitude. For some days-- since the crossing of the Line, since Jack Shaftoe's 'sacrifice' to Neptune, and the gold placed in his ear-- he'd found himself distracted and uncomfortable, simmering with an anger that his dredged-up memories stoked. His first crossing had been in the brig of HMS Vantage. His first sight of the Southern Cross had been from the maintop of a different ship, in a haze of anger and pain.

 

[SweetWitch]

In MANDARIN?

Here's two para's that have that long rhythm, if not completely long sentences (fanfic, never published: I can't be arsed to change names, plsforgive)

Interesting. The first sentence sets a tone and the rest of it pulls the reader in. very nice.