bottoming from the top.

[the captians wench]

Over the past few months I've been exploring the top side of life and the more I do, the more I realize what bottom I am.

I will admit that I have a bit of a sadistic side, but it only comes out in full force when I have some one who enjoys it. It's like, the entire time I'm topping, I'm more worried about if he's enjoying it, is he ready to move on, is it too much, than I am about whether I'm enjoying it or not.

So even as a top, I still seem to have a service mind set. While this isn't problematic with my playpartners as there are no real formal relationships there, it seems like this would not make for a lasting relationship.

Any thoughts?

 

[Big Poppa]

I will admit that I have a bit of a sadistic side, but it only comes out in full force when I have some one who enjoys it. It's like, the entire time I'm topping, I'm more worried about if he's enjoying it, is he ready to move on, is it too much, than I am about whether I'm enjoying it or not.

Any thoughts?

I think you're fine. I think it is important that the pyl's needs are met as well, granted some pyl's only enjoyment may come from the fact that the PYL is happy and pleased. The pyl has his/her own wants and needs from the relationship as well and if you want them to stick around they need to be adressed.


The key is how to adress them in a manner that maintains your PYL status, and not to present yourself in a manner that may give the pyl an edge

 

[desertslave]

Big happy smiles and jumping up & down and yelling YES!

Years ago, my 2nd dom asked me to try topping him. Not so much as a challenge to me (thank god, cuz I sort of freaked the first time) but because he was very curious about my side of the experience. After some trial & error (and some ridiculous crying on my part) I finally got up the nerve to top him.

I'm SO not a domme, that it's rather pathetic. Having control doesn't interest me in ANY way. However, I managed to get myself (with his help) into a headspace where I could show him how it felt and give him what he wanted. For years I've called it exactly that, bottoming from the top, because even if I was the one swinging the flogger, I was still serving him. It's a very weird place to be in. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but I learned to enjoy it as a different way in which to give him pleasure.

Ultimately, though, I became frustrated because we would end up arguing about who was bottoming. While I enjoyed the service after a fashion, my deep dark painslut needs were in no way being met.

P.S. He's a full-time bottom now...and so am I.

 

[Netzach]

Anything can be a lasting relationship if the chemistry is there, the interest is there and it stays hot, also if it's expandable enough to get your needs met elsewhere if not there.

If I were super duper bottom and M had to top me I think it would still be a lasting relationship but I would have to top him enough to meet his needs there OR enlist someone else to do that.

It's not where we live because it's just not us, but he has service-topped me and I could see it being much more frequent without being a problem if the needs were there on my part. He just likes making me sexually happy, and it's luck of the draw that I'm more sexually happy doing stuff to people. If that fluctuates and I really want to be tied up (usually if I want to bottom it involves tying me up) he's great at it - that's specific to him. My other lover who I'm more fluid, versatile and submissive with doesn't have the rope skills that M does, so I'd rather be tied by him and self-tie for my top for that fifth of the time or whatever that I'm not interested in being a dictator.

 

[Esclava]

I agree with the Netzach. Anything can work - it's up to the people involved. If a relationship is bound by something more than just BDSM, I believe it's made stronger. It is that strength which allows stepping outside a comfort zone to "bottom from the top".

I can't say I have ever bottomed from the top - unless training a newbie Dom is the same. He is learning to use various implements of pain - and then we talk about how he has handled them. Because we are friends first, I trust him enough to make this journey with him. We still have a safe word and he has become much better at aftercare which is something I need.

It would be interesting, to me, to find someone to switch with. I'm not sure if that would be bottoming from the top (or vice versa); but I believe that as we both feed each other's needs, we would be drawn into a deeper, more intense relationship than either of us can imagine - and it would work!

Esclava

 

[catalina_francisco]

Any thoughts?

You take it one step further as in feeling secure you are giving them what they want/need instead of concentrating so much on it in terms of pleasure, and recognise it is service, a thing which usually touches the spot for you...after all, as you know, service is not always about whether the one giving it gets pleasure from it or not as in whether they do it and by so doing get a sense of fulfilment or pleasure in knowing they did. Service can take form in many ways, and I do remember when I first brought to the forum the concept of my having to top another how so many wanted me to admit I was a switch and/or it just was not submitting or service and I had no right to think of myself as a slave anymore. I learned to listen to F instead and get a grasp on the fact that it is about mindset and orders, not what it may look like to another who is not included in the interaction. That gave me a huge shift in my own mindset and from there I flew with it. I imagine from that position it would be possible to form a lasting relationship more so than if you are continually debating what others might think, what it says about you and your role in the more popular/recognised forms.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

You take it one step further as in feeling secure you are giving them what they want/need instead of concentrating so much on it in terms of pleasure, and recognise it is service, a thing which usually touches the spot for you...after all, as you know, service is not always about whether the one giving it gets pleasure from it or not as in whether they do it and by so doing get a sense of fulfilment or pleasure in knowing they did. Service can take form in many ways, and I do remember when I first brought to the forum the concept of my having to top another how so many wanted me to admit I was a switch and/or it just was not submitting or service and I had no right to think of myself as a slave anymore. I learned to listen to F instead and get a grasp on the fact that it is about mindset and orders, not what it may look like to another who is not included in the interaction. That gave me a huge shift in my own mindset and from there I flew with it. I imagine from that position it would be possible to form a lasting relationship more so than if you are continually debating what others might think, what it says about you and your role in the more popular/recognised forms.

Catalina

Translation: Do what's good for you and your's and fuck every one else. brilliant as always cat. *giggles*

The real reason I thought of this subject was that I was pondering on the differences between some of my playmats. I had 2 some what regular partners. One a strict bottom, and the other a switch who leans to the top side. The bottom knew how to put me in a head space (simular to the "boss mode" I have to be in at work) where I honestly didn't care about him or his needs. He was there to give me release, not the other way around and he would learn that what it ment to be a bottom if I had to beat it into him. That last sentence makes me wonder if mom's right and I just get too jealous of my bottoms to ever really be a lasting top.

But the other one, he could send my head into a sub mode by just saying hello. He could take me places I haven't been in a long time in the flesh. But when he wanted me to top him, it was very hard for me, not like it was with the first guy. I had a very hard time getting my head above his and thinking of him serving me. That's when I gave up. He was always going to be a top in my mind and I would always be the one serving him. I learned to read what he wanted instead of asking and distroying his illution of me actually being in charge. He got what he wanted, and I was satisfied knowing that I gave him that, with out feeling disapointed that I was not a "real top".

 

[catalina_francisco]

LOL, sort of. If I have learned anything, it is we can only live in our own reality, not that prescribed by another according to their criteria and views. They can guide us when seeking some form of enlightenment and learning, but then we have to do what is right on a personal level.

Catalina

 

[be_ignited]

I had this happen with someone I was playing with (albeit online, but tasks, pictures, webcams, and not just role play) when I first started. And I think it largely contributed to why things ended between us. It wasn't so much that I objected to being in charge as that he was disingenuous about what he wanted. I would have been uncomfortable taking the reins regardless of the situation, but probably would have reacted better had he presented it as something he wanted and wanted me to do for him. As things actually happened, he was trying to give it to me as a "reward" when it wasn't something I wanted at all, and it being a reward, something he, as the Dominant, was giving me for me, made it a bit more precarious for me to outright reject (sort of like telling someone you hated the birthday present they got you). Really, it was the manipulation in the gesture that got to me, rather than the desire to switch roles for a time.