Needs an answer

[cherokee_dove]

First off, i was going to post this in the "What pissed you off today" thread; but i needed to know if i did right for my kids.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part of me is pissed off, part in sorrow, and part of me is glad the worry is over...aka happy...but not joyously happy.

My ex sister in law called earlier today, DEMANDING i bring my kids to Cleveland Clinic; because my ex husband of over 10 years is there in ICU, brain dead.

i told her first off you dont demand anything of me. Secondly, he had never been involved in their lives since even before the divorce; so why would she think he would care now?

Back when we were married; i was a quiet, shy, very naive, person who didn't speak up for myself at all. So when i started in on her, it shocked her.

She started bitching me out, so i told her i was sorry for her loss; as his sister.

i told her first off,that if he was brain dead; he wouldn't know the kids were there or not.

Secondly, he had never been a part of their lives; and on the day i gave birth to my second son (i say my because yes, he is the biological sperm donor aka father) of both my children; he was never there as a father. But on that day, he brought his whore to the hospital with him.

His sister had the nerve to say that i was his whore first before the one he brought with him.

i said EXCUSSSSSSE MEEEEE....but i was not his whore, i was his wife. And he was the one cheating, not me. And i hung up on her.

She called back immediately, bitching me out. i just told her that after the beatings i took from him, and the thumpins he put on my oldest sons head; i could care less about him. And told her that i was *57ing the call (tracing it), and hung up. i called the sheriff and told him. He called her and told her she would be arrested for phone harrassment if she called again.

i know this all sounds mean, but after all he put me and my kids through; that is where the somewhat happy feeling, aka happy that i dont have to worry anymore about him stealing my kids from me; or killing me; or torching my place comes in.

The sorrow is there because i did have to sit the kids down, and tell them. We had already talked years ago about him not being in their lives. And they were ok with it. But i knew they needed to know. The pain of seeing the thoughts run past my oldests eyes as he tried to come to terms with it was the hardest.

My youngest never even met him, so it doesnt bother him at all.

i asked them if they wanted to go up to see him, and my oldest looked at me and said; "Why should we, he never came to see us?"

So to me, there is the decision. i just pray it is the right one.


Thanks in advance for any advice. dove

 

[honoria]

Sweetie,

You did good. Your kids are lucky and you don't have anything to feel bad about.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

 

[Breaker_Morant]

You go girl!

I think you did exactly the right thing; if I were in your shoes, I would have done the same if not something similar.

My parents divorced two weeks after I turned 8 and my father eventually gave up all parental rights to me and my brother because he didn't want to pay the $5K he owed in back child support.

Even with that, my mother was more than gracious in allowing me and then my brother to live a year with him and his new wife and son.

We've had an on and off relationship over the years and I will be bothered when he passes, but not as much was I was when my maternal grandfather died - even with MS he did what he could for my brother and I. I miss him more than I do my father.

I can definitely relate to what you are saying/doing.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

First off, i was going to post this in the "What pissed you off today" thread; but i needed to know if i did right for my kids.
...
My youngest never even met him, so it doesnt bother him at all.

i asked them if they wanted to go up to see him, and my oldest looked at me and said; "Why should we, he never came to see us?"

So to me, there is the decision. i just pray it is the right one.


Thanks in advance for any advice. dove

I can only offer this bit of advice, for your child who never knew him, your decision is probably correct. For your oldest, who did know and remembered, it might be the only opportunity he has to offer forgiveness. And for you, sweet dove, it might be your last chance to put some ghosts to rest.

I can not say what is right or wrong here. Only that once he passes, there will never again be the opportunity for a face to face catharsis for you or your oldest. It's hard to forgive ghosts. At least my father and I had made steps towards reconciliation before he passed. Even though I was the child and he was the adult, I still carry some guilt over our estrangement now. I simply can not imagine the guilt I would still carry with me if I had not taken those steps before he was gone.

Follow your heart's path, whether it is to forgiveness or relief or some other emotion. Do what you know will bring you and your children peace.

 

[myinnerslut]

*hugs*

that was a tough descision but i think it was the right one. you have to protect your kids.

 

[intothewoods]

As to whether you go or bring your child or not, I think EG raises some good points, but your decision seems fine. How old is the oldest? You could ask him if he wants to go, if he's old enough to make that call. At the end of the day, if the guy isn't in his life, being there probably won't mean much to him.

You have a lot of anger in you cherokee_dove. I'm sure it's justified. But I would try to deal with it. I don't think screaming at a woman who's losing her brother is worth all that much, even if she is completely in the wrong. Dealing with the anger is for you, not for him. Remember that.

Good luck.

 

[cherokee_dove]

Thank You all for what i have read so far. It helps.

The one thing i didnt mention, because i am so used to the situation; is that both of my kids are fully autistic.

So even with the 15 year old, the oldest; his mind is still only about 8 or 9 years old.

i have worked hard with both of them to help them understand school and their learnings there. And also taught them to forgive and forget, if appropriate. Not to live in the past, because there is no future for them in the past.

Geoff, i value Your opinion a lot; and asked my oldest about him giving forgiveness.

He said, "Mommy, i forgave him a long time ago when i knew he wouldn't be coming back to do that to me again. Thats also when i said goodbye to him. So I don't feel any need to forgive him or say goodbye to him, because I've already done it."

All advice and opinions are still making me analzye the whole situation, which i know i will; for quite a long time.

 

[intothewoods]

Thank You all for what i have read so far. It helps.

The one thing i didnt mention, because i am so used to the situation; is that both of my kids are fully autistic.

So even with the 15 year old, the oldest; his mind is still only about 8 or 9 years old.

i have worked hard with both of them to help them understand school and their learnings there. And also taught them to forgive and forget, if appropriate. Not to live in the past, because there is no future for them in the past.

Geoff, i value Your opinion a lot; and asked my oldest about him giving forgiveness.

He said, "Mommy, i forgave him a long time ago when i knew he wouldn't be coming back to do that to me again. Thats also when i said goodbye to him. So I don't feel any need to forgive him or say goodbye to him, because I've already done it."

All advice and opinions are still making me analzye the whole situation, which i know i will; for quite a long time.

Sounds like there is no reason to go for your son's sake. I don't think it's essential you go either. As I said, you seem so angry. And I know it's justified. I'm sure he was a real asshole. But at this point, it's affecting you, and not him.

 

[cherokee_dove]

As to whether you go or bring your child or not, I think EG raises some good points, but your decision seems fine. How old is the oldest? You could ask him if he wants to go, if he's old enough to make that call. At the end of the day, if the guy isn't in his life, being there probably won't mean much to him.

You have a lot of anger in you cherokee_dove. I'm sure it's justified. But I would try to deal with it. I don't think screaming at a woman who's losing her brother is worth all that much, even if she is completely in the wrong. Dealing with the anger is for you, not for him. Remember that.

Good luck.

ITW, i am not usually an angry person. i had dealt with everything dealing with my ex a long time.

It was just the way she came across in how she was so demanding to me. Thats where the anger came in. She was always the supremist member of their family. Everything she said was how it had to be, know matter what.
Thats just how she is.

When we were married, he allowed her to boss me around; and never said different. Even when i told him i didnt like how she treated me.

After all this time with no contact whatsoever with him or her, for her to even think she had any rights to boss me around was wrong on her part. No matter what the situation might be.

After all the time being divorced, i have changed from that quiet, shy, naive woman i was. i am now not only their mother...aka the loving sweet caring side, but i also have to be the father...aka the dominating, making the rules, discipline side.

Most that know me on here know that i am very protective of my children.
There is no anger in that. That to me, is just being the protector.

Only reason i even asked was because i was trying to think of how the kids would be about it later in life.

 

[TerragonSix]

It's tough for a kid to grow up like that. Believe me, I know.

I guess I could go into a long speech about what you did, but the end result of the speech would be I felt you did the right thing for your kids.

Good job.

 

[kinkyknickers]

Beig healthy, comatose or dead doesn't change the fact that he's an arsehole. It wouldn't do your kids any good to see him in that state anyway, those are the images that can haunt you fo the rest of your life.

Hopefully now, you can put that all behind you for you and your kids.

Good luck in looking forward.

 

[notalwaysweak]

I think you did the right thing.

 

[madetotakeit]

It sounds to me like you made the right decision for your children.

One thing I would also like to point out that relates to your oldest since he actually knew him for a time. Even though it sounds like he had a poor excuse for a father and says he has already said his goodbyes in the past (and what an amazing statement coming from a child) children are complicated. There may be part of him that remembers something positive about him (even if it very minor.) The effect of seeing someone in the state his father is in right now can be worse than the feelings that may arise from not going to say goodbye.

I was 16 when my first grandfather passed. My mother would not let me see him in the hospital. As a result I never was able to say goodbye to him. The last time I was at his house, he was walking the fields when we left. He was too far away to even wave to. For years I resented my mother for denying me that one word. Later, as family opened up about seeing him in the hospital I realized my mother did me a favor. Where as the last images of him that everybody who went was of a very pale, weak, dying man; I have the memory of the strong, tanned, man that I grew up with. I wouldn't want to imagine him any other way.

Granted in my case the man in question was loving, devoted, and someone worth looking up to. But children are funny. Sometimes they keep to themselves how they feel, especially if they have a hard time fitting it into the big picture of how they think they should feel. I'm not saying this is the case, but either way I think you put the interest of your children first as you should have.

 

[FurryFury]

As someone who had a toxic ex and bio father of one of my children die, I think you've done the right thing.

Just keep in mind that your son, who seems to be doing great may need more therapy for this later on. I know my daughter still struggles not with the loss of her bio father but with her rage at what he put her through and that she wasn't protected from / by him.

*HUGs and HUGs*

 

[SubKekiLee]

I think you did the right thing Dove... Espically since your kids are Autistic.. MY son's father hasnt seen him since he was 7 days old.. SO I would do the same he is Asperbergers.. so I know..

 

[Fuckette]

I would put away all emotions and take my sons to see their father.

 

[MasterSnatch]

No fuck him, he isn't worth the visit.

He cheated, he wasn't there for you, he wasn't there for them so what makes him worth visiting? Absolutely nothing. If another man had replaced him and was taking care of the children I'd say he was more the real father than that man had been.

 

[intothewoods]

ahem

[hijack] Master Snatch? BEST. NAME. EVER. [/endhijack]

 

[nh23]

I think you made the right decision for you and your children dove. If I were in your position with my own children I would have done the same. *big hugs*

 

[graceanne]

Holy Cow. What a horrible day, and a horrible woman.

*hugs* You did fine. Your sister in law wants them there for HER, not for them or their father. Misery loves company and all that.

 

[cherokee_dove]

Thank you all for your opinions. They have helped.

As to an update. i contacted the Clinic a couple of hours ago, and he is still being kept alive by machine; listed as ICU Stable. Whatever that means. Probably the fact that he is stable while on machine.

i did find out over the phone with a nurse there, that it was not a trauma situation like a wreck or shooting. That what happened was a non-trauma situation.

i asked her what that meant, and she said that they are not allowed to disclose more about any patient.

The doctor then called me back, and said that he had multiple brain aneuryisms. And he would pass away if taken off machine. And that decision is up to his sister.

So even though i didn't take the kids up there, i have set them down and explained everything. Except this last part, because they were already asleep. i will sit them down later today and let them know in a way they will understand.

 

[cherokee_dove]

Madetotakeit, i kept a scrapbook with pictures of oldest and his father; in their happy moments. That is something he can have to remember the good side of his father.

With the therapy he went thru a long time ago, he realizes he doesn't need to remember the bad side of him. Just to know it wasn't right.