Things I have learned from my children

[cloudy]

• A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• There is a vast assortment of children’s toys that will pass through their digestive tracts. Also: buttons, stones, some types of pet food, Legos, and small Star Wars characters.
• Always look in the oven before turning it on.
• Cats in the clothes dryer make a terrible noise.
• Cats do not like being trapped in the bathroom when someone is showering.
• Never turn a hair dryer on a sleeping cat.
• Cats don’t like being dressed in dolls’ clothes.
• Younger brothers make excellent footballs or cannons - they just don’t bounce too well.

 

[rgraham666]

(Laughs)

 

[voluptuary_manque]

(Laughs)

Absolutely true in every case.

 

[glynndah]

Younger brothers and sisters are the perfect substitutes for that line of cars when recreating Evil Knievel stunts with your bike, at least until your mother finds out.

 

[TxRad]

Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids.

 

[buxxxom]

There is some kind of time warp that happens when you turn your back on your kids for a second. For us adults, it's only a second; for a kid, it's about an hour and a half. Either that, or there is some super kid-speed that they do. I've also learned:

-an entire pack of 64 crayola crayons will fit in the heater duct
-best to turn on the air conditioner to harden them up to get them out
-drinking the water from the goldfish bowl isn't as harmful as you'd think
-bologna does not equal CD
-it is possible to exist on nothing but chocolate milk and Doritos

 

[cloudy]

• it's okay for a child to drink his bathwater as long as it's filtered through a washrag. Washrags have magical properties, and change the taste.
• Parents must not, under any circumstances see said child naked. The only exception to this rule is when said child is streaking from the bathroom, through the living room, and into his/her room. In that situation, the child must stop right in front of the nearest parent, and shake his/her ass while chanting, "Look at my butt! Look at my butt!"
• All monsters are spiders. The only variable is size, and judging from my child's screams, the smaller the spider, the scarier it is.
• Running through the kitchen wet from the swimming pool makes the floor so slippery that it's like walking on ice.
• Mom isn't happy when her kitchen floor is like ice.

 

[matriarch]

I'm enjoying this. More, more, more..........

 

[buxxxom]

-M&Ms do melt in your hand, after about an hour.
-poptarts found in the couch cushions can be used as either a snack or sidewalk chalk
-putting Mom's bra on the snowman is only funny to the neighbors
-Mom will retaliate by driving me to school in her pajamas
-never have a water balloon fight if Mom has the gardenhose!

 

[cheerful_deviant]

~ When you hear the toilet flush followed by "Oops", it's already too late.

~ If an entire box of Cheerios is dumped on the kitchen floor, you will thereafter be finding stray Cheerios in odd places for at least 6 months.

~ Cheerios multiply when released into the wild.

 

[Guest]

I'm enjoying this. More, more, more..........

Ditto!

 

[LaLaLilly]

-Nailpolish is a new type of paint to draw and to color walls with
-Children make the worst hairstylists
-That cats smell freshly bathed after being thrown into the dryer, tumbled on low, with a box of fabric softener sheets LOL
-The best time to ask a question is when someone is on the phone

and of course...

-endless patience
-the best hugs come from a child

 

[Nirvanadragones]

• Having to discard of unsuccessful self made science experiments are gross. The successful ones are even more gross.
  
• If it works with batteries, do not purchase it.
  
• If it can make a sound, and does not have the port for headphones, do not purchase it.
  
• Pink and red, worn together, is the uniform of a 7 year old. Particularly a HSM cheer leading outfit, somehow coupled with Stephanie from Lazytown's pink tights, and dress.
  
• Baked potatoes (also known as "jacket potatoes" here) can be eaten for Breakfast, lunch and dinner. There are several topping for these, savoury and sweet. When the child does not want to eat a particular meal, using it as a topping on a baked potato, works every time. Just sprinkle cheese over it and give it a funky name. Favourites currently include the chocolate sprinkled baked potato, and the oreo cookie baked potato.
  
• If it breathes and breeds, they would want it as a pet.
  
• Laptops make good stages for balancing stuff on. Like construction models. And Science projects mentioned above.
  
• Walking is not an activity known to 7 year olds. They will get from point A to point B by biking, skate-boarding, scootering, rollerblading, jumping, heelee'ing, or running.
  
• "Look at me" only works for 2.7 seconds.
  
• Being in the bathroom is a good excuse for hiding and doing what they're not supposed to do. Especially when it involves water, and large amounts of pricey toiletry items.

 

[NoJo]

• Pink and red, worn together, is the uniform of a 7 year old. Particularly a HSM cheer leading outfit, somehow coupled with Stephanie from Lazytown's pink tights, and dress.

I think your son will be famous one day

 

[Guest]

I think your son will be famous one day

Question Time is on the telly atm (I'm only watching it cos I can't be arsed to get up and find the remote). On the panel is a guy wearing a blonde wig and a blue gingham dress. Yup, good chance of fame there!

 

[starrkers]

* Missing items needed for school can only be searched for in the last five minutes before bus comes.
* Said missing items are searched for by either a) standing in the middle of the room saying "I can't find it"; or b) hunting through the debris that has accumulated under the bed in the previous six months - even though the item only disappeared yesterday afternoon.
* Shoes can vanish without trace overnight.
*Paint will come and paint will go, but orange hilighter cats on the walls are forever.
*Two small boys and a gardenhose can completely flood a kitchen in minutes.

 

[Trombonus]

I have no children, but I DO know what my own parents have learned from me!

~ Do not leave a long list of phone numbers next to the phone, unless you want to have phone calls go out to everyone on it, including those overseas.
~ Anything and everything is a potential chewing toy. If you don't want something chewed on, do not leave it out.
~ Kids are most destructive when they're trying to help you. Supervise diligently.
~ Kids think they can and do get away with anything. Do not be surprised when they look at you as if you're crazy when they get into trouble.
~ Sofa cushions do not belong next to the fireplace.
~ If you let your child get away with something, you will never be able to discipline them for it.
~ Kids are deceptively smart and manipulative. Always be on your guard.

 

[damppanties]

heelee'ing

Hmmm?

 

[impressive]

An old blog post:

1. Helpful children should be discouraged from using shampoo (at the very least, entire bottles of shampoo) to launder their stuffed animals.
2. Helpful children do not want to learn how to properly launder their stuffed animals.
3. Helpful children become sneaky children when they're thwarted.
4. Thwart is a funny word.
5. If you do not clean the lint trap in the dryer, it will achieve sentience.
6. Dryers are happier and much more cooperative with clean lint traps.
7. Stuffed animals and dryer lint traps do not get along well ... at all. In fact, they are prey and predator.
8. Ice cream mitigates grief over dryer-mauled stuffed animals.
9. So does money.
10. We're out of shampoo.

 

[sutherngent985]

Hmmm?

Kids sneakers that have wheels in the heels are called Heelies. Most places I have seen either discourage the use or outright ban them.

 

[rengadeirishman]

almost wish i had few wee ones meself, I'm curious y'might say

 

[rgraham666]

almost wish i had few wee ones meself, I'm curious y'might say

Remember what killed the cat?

I'm perfectly content to listen to other's tales of their children. Like war stories they're fun to listen to but I'm glad I'm not experiencing them.

 

[rengadeirishman]

Remember what killed the cat?

I'm perfectly content to listen to other's tales of their children. Like war stories they're fun to listen to but I'm glad I'm not experiencing them.

whats life without risk?

 

[rgraham666]

whats life without risk?

Long.

 

[DesertPirate]

almost wish i had few wee ones meself, I'm curious y'might say

After raising three daughters, I will certify everything here as true!