Train wreck of a life, right here.

[Betticus]

Does anyone else feel completely lost in life without having that special lil subbie or that Dom?

With me in particular, when I have that lil subbie my life works like a swiss watch. I enjoy my career, I hit the gym religiously, I stick to a clean and healthy diet and my crazier urges are curbed by my relationship with her.. She centers me in a very real way.

Without her my life goes insane after a short while. A cycle of self destructive bullshit of almost legendary proportions. A cesspool of vice and substance abuse that seems to be fun for those looking in from the edge. In the middle of this cyclone of insanity though there is just me wishing that I had a single, amazing lil subbie to protect and take care of.

It's a dilemma and I wonder if it is just me who is like this or if this is something that we all share.

 

[ShyVixen]

Does anyone else feel completely lost in life without having that special lil subbie or that Dom?

With me in particular, when I have that lil subbie my life works like a swiss watch. I enjoy my career, I hit the gym religiously, I stick to a clean and healthy diet and my crazier urges are curbed by my relationship with her.. She centers me in a very real way.

Without her my life goes insane after a short while. A cycle of self destructive bullshit of almost legendary proportions. A cesspool of vice and substance abuse that seems to be fun for those looking in from the edge. In the middle of this cyclone of insanity though there is just me wishing that I had a single, amazing lil subbie to protect and take care of.

It's a dilemma and I wonder if it is just me who is like this or if this is something that we all share.

{{{{{Betticus}}}}}

I'm sorry you feel like your life is a train wreck. The susbstance abuse comment worries me

From my own personal view point, I tend to get very self destructive in the beginning stages of a new relationship. But I know for me, it's a defense mechanism as I believe I'm going to get hurt, or because I cannot control something - brings out my self destructive tendencies.

 

[intothewoods]

I've said this before (not necessarily to you, but on these boards), but if the relationship is what centers you, unfortunately, it won't last. Even if the relationship is successful. Eventually, in a longterm relationship, you will start to get antsy and slip into those same patterns. You have to deal with those inner demons on your own, in order to keep them permanently in check.

I know that sounds like a lot of work, and it is, but you'll be so much more open for that next relationship if you do it. Good luck.

 

[kiten69]

The susbstance abuse comment worries me

You and me both

From my own personal view point, I tend to get very self destructive in the beginning stages of a new relationship. But I know for me, it's a defense mechanism as I believe I'm going to get hurt, or because I cannot control something - brings out my self destructive tendencies.

That sounds like me too.

 

[Betticus]

Last night, one of the photos.

And it's more of a symbiosis. Take for example the fact that when I was married I didn't drink for ten years, nor smoke. I ran almost daily, lifted weights like a good boy and had everything in life taken care of from basic paying of bills to investments and retirement savings.

After divorce, train wreck and then another relationship came along and it was like I found a reason to be once again. I conclude that I need someone to take care of in order to take care of myself as well.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v484/betticus/IMG_2159.jpg

 

[kiten69]

I conclude that I need someone to take care of in order to take care of myself as well.

But if you don't take care of yourself. . .how will you take care of someone else?

 

[Betticus]

I just lose focus on my own. I maintain myself at a certain level when I'm alone but it's something of a bare subsistence thing. When I have someone to take care of though, it becomes important that I also take care of myself so that I will be around for the long run.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v484/betticus/IMG_2168.jpg

 

[Betticus]

The dj is supposed to be blurry, the photo is ok.

 

[kiten69]

Was gonna ask you if it was supposed to be blurry. . .

 

[Betticus]

Was gonna ask you if it was supposed to be blurry. . .

Is today Sunday?

 

[kiten69]

Is today Sunday?

For 11 1/2 more hours

 

[Betticus]

*sigh*

Maybe I should get some sleep. I've been very deficient lately in that area. I've eaten once since Friday and that was a few hours ago and sleep is a distant memory. I'll chalk this one up to insomnia and the dementia that goes with lack of rest.

When I'm all messed up I tend to take pretty pictures tho......

 

[ownedsubgal]

i understand Betticus. some of us just need that other half to make us whole...without that special person we can't properly focus or thrive. this is not necessarily some awful thing imo that one should try to run out and get "fixed" (unless of course that's how you feel about it yourself). it may be that recognizing this in yourself and examining and understanding just where it all comes from is the first step in dealing with it productively.

before i met Daddy and became his slave, my life was a royal train wreck. lots of drinking and lots of drugs every single day, very little eating (and lots of puking when i did), lots of faceless casual sex with strangers, lots of knowingly placing myself in high risk situations because there wasn't anyone in my life i belonged to or who truly cared about me, so why the heck should i?? Daddy gave my life purpose, direction, meaning, value. with him i can strive for things and actually achieve them, i can actually grow. but i know that if something ever were to happen to cause our relationship to be no more, all that good stuff will just fizzle and die away, and i'll go right back to being that walking train wreck, only the crash will be at double the miles per hour, and straight through a brick wall. so is it really worth it then, some might say???

absolutely, positively imo.

 

[kiten69]

*sigh*

Maybe I should get some sleep. I've been very deficient lately in that area. I've eaten once since Friday and that was a few hours ago and sleep is a distant memory. I'll chalk this one up to insomnia and the dementia that goes with lack of rest.

Yeah that might contribute to all of this. . .get your ass in bed Mr.

When I'm all messed up I tend to take pretty pictures tho......

They are good shots. . .well done.

 

[LittleJade]

It's not just you, Bett.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I conclude that I need someone to take care of in order to take care of myself as well.

I can relate to this. Eventho i have two kids to take care of and i do take care of them, its not the same as have a life partner. Not the same at all.

*huggs Bett*

 

[Homburg]

When I'm all messed up I tend to take pretty pictures tho......

This is true. Nice work, Betts.

 

[faeriefire]

Bett, it seems like you already know what goes right when life is going well. So concentrate on getting those things done each day. I've been there, using different yardsticks to know how I'm doing. A big one is whether or not I'm exercising. Another is how well I'm eating. There are others too, depending on the time of year and whatnot. It's not the activity itself, but rather it being an indicator of other things going well in life. And you don't need to be in a relationship for things to go right.

Don't beat yourself up either for not meeting your own yardstick. It's a vicious cycle. If you have a bad day let it go at that and concentrate on having a better day tomorrow.

I think everyone has the ability to be happy with who they are and find joy and grounding on their own. Each person can really only be responsible for their own happiness. If you put that weight on another's shoulders eventually they'll crumble and the relationship with it. *HUGS* and best of luck to you

 

[FurryFury]

Life sucks some of the time. I'm so sorry you are hurting. It will get better.

*Gives tummy rubs, bakes cookies and reads fairy tales*

 

[YourCaptor]

Does anyone else feel completely lost in life without having that special lil subbie or that Dom?

With me in particular, when I have that lil subbie my life works like a swiss watch. I enjoy my career, I hit the gym religiously, I stick to a clean and healthy diet and my crazier urges are curbed by my relationship with her.. She centers me in a very real way.

Without her my life goes insane after a short while. A cycle of self destructive bullshit of almost legendary proportions. A cesspool of vice and substance abuse that seems to be fun for those looking in from the edge. In the middle of this cyclone of insanity though there is just me wishing that I had a single, amazing lil subbie to protect and take care of.

It's a dilemma and I wonder if it is just me who is like this or if this is something that we all share.

Without the other half nothing seems to reach its full potential. All the grand plans I have, I feel like their no point in carrying them out without her cause they wont reach their full potential anyway. I still pull my ass along though, but its slowly, slowly descending into total destruction.

Sometimes it hits particularly hard, like a week ago or so I was taking a friends crotch rocket out on the freeway, but it wasn't what it could have been cause those little hands holding on for dear life weren't their. Then I ended up finding myself going 150 mph with traffic.

The worst is when it starts to hurt physically.

Thats life though, got to keep searching... until you find them you got to stay above the water.

 

[minx1]

Without her my life goes insane after a short while. A cycle of self destructive bullshit of almost legendary proportions. A cesspool of vice and substance abuse that seems to be fun for those looking in from the edge. In the middle of this cyclone of insanity though there is just me wishing that I had a single, amazing lil subbie to protect and take care of.

It's a dilemma and I wonder if it is just me who is like this or if this is something that we all share.

I am so sorry you are hurting Betts. I've read the post and wanted to contribute something useful but as you know I have been a little all over the place myself recently.

I understand the destructive cycle. I have been there myself; mainly around my divorce.
Like you, I knew it was destructive, I knew I was doing it and I kept on doing it. It numbed me and numb was better than feeling at that time.

Try not to give yourself a hard time about it. Its good that you recognise what you are doing. Its a coping mechanism that yes, you need to break as its just not good for you; but I found worrying about how badly I was coping, sent me spiralling even more.

As someone else said try to set yourself some yard sticks, have a plan.....an easy one. Go gently.
Perhaps the first thing on your list could be to try and eat something.....moving to eating regularly. If you have been drinking.....allow yourself one, but set yourself a limit for the day. Once you meet these it will be easier to move on to the next target you set.

You deserve someone special; a subbie to look after and to call your own and equally they deserve a PYL who is able to protect and fulfil all the responsibilities of owning them.

If that is what you want, then work towards it. Work on making yourself strong again so that you are ready for their submission

 

[Breaker_Morant]

When I'm all messed up I tend to take pretty pictures tho......

I still HAVEN'T whipped out my camera for what God, Canon and I intended it for this season.

Nice shots, Betticus.

 

[bridgeburner]

burp.


excuse me.

 

[Essene]

Oh Betticus. If you want to see a train wreck look no further. Send me a pm, we can bask in our self loathing together.

*hugs* friend.