Working past fears & unlearning habits

[missy_me]

I don't have a huge lot of experience in BDSM, even less in having a stable D/s relationship (or any kind of a relationship for that matter), but I have been wondering how the past relationships affect the current one.

My first relationship left me full of fear and insecurities, and it's been quite a workload for the both J and I to work past them during the time we've been together. A lot of the issues are history now, but there are still certain situations that produce the kneejerk panicky reaction in me. In a way I can't but feel a little bit sorry for J that he has to put such effort in little by little training me out of my fear, and at times all this makes me feel guilty as well... J has never even implied that I should feel guilty because of this. He frequently says that it's a part of who I am and, as long as I'm willing to work my way out of certain traits and reactions, he's happy.

My own example is about fears, but I would assume certain habits also stick pretty tight. I'm talking about the habits that become such an integral and normal part of your everyday life that you no longer know another way of doing them.

So, my question is how do you unlearn old habits/traits from past relationships? Or is it always even necessary? (And am I the only one feeling guilty for having the kneejerk-like habits and having problems with getting rid of them...)

 

[SweetGigi]

I don't think you are the only one who has this issue. I, too, have a learned trait that is detrimental to my growth within my relationship and service. Specifically, there are a few things from my childhood (things never realized until recently) that inhibit my ability to submit to deep pain. It seems the reasons for my aversion is rooted in these past moments and have caused a overspill into my D/s life. While Carlos isn't a Sadist he does expect complete submission, even if it is to something I am frightened of. He feels that I can not completely submit to him if there are other things in my life that rule me; namely my fear of deep pain. I too feel guilty when I don't succeed with a task and often get very upset with myself because my failure. He always reassures me that I am loved, that my willingness to try and my remorse are proof that it is meaningful to me and is understands how I feel. With patience, understanding, consistent expectations, constant attempts and rewards for boundaries pushed or conquered he is helping me work thru my fear and submit to him entirely. We both know this is an investment and are committed to the time it will take to over come my fears. It is a work in progress.

 

[EmpressFi]

I'm not sure, but if you get any good advice.. I'd love to learn.

I have a few issues, the first is my appearance. Both of the men I love think I'm sexy, but I look in the mirror and see the saggy breasts and flabby rolls and think..are they on drugs? I make myself sick, how could I turn someone on. Working on that one, because no matter how much weight I lose, I still see myself that way.

My other issue, is that I rarely initiate sex. My first husband did a doozy at making sure that any steps I took were literally slapped away, so now, that fear of rejection, even KNOWING that they'd be thrilled for me to initiate, is so strong that I cant, I just cant.

Those are my base issues.. things we work on..but I dont know that I'll ever get past...

 

[HottieMama]

Fi... i know it doesn't matter from a hill of beans, but i think you are absolutely gorgeous!

For me, the only thing that has worked in getting past issues from previous relationships is time and a partner who is willing to help me work through them. i'm not perfect, and my issues creep in from time to time, but i am a lot better now than i was a year ago, and i hope to be able to say that next year.

 

[SubKekiLee]

I don't have a huge lot of experience in BDSM, even less in having a stable D/s relationship (or any kind of a relationship for that matter), but I have been wondering how the past relationships affect the current one.

My first relationship left me full of fear and insecurities, and it's been quite a workload for the both J and I to work past them during the time we've been together. A lot of the issues are history now, but there are still certain situations that produce the kneejerk panicky reaction in me. In a way I can't but feel a little bit sorry for J that he has to put such effort in little by little training me out of my fear, and at times all this makes me feel guilty as well... J has never even implied that I should feel guilty because of this. He frequently says that it's a part of who I am and, as long as I'm willing to work my way out of certain traits and reactions, he's happy.

My own example is about fears, but I would assume certain habits also stick pretty tight. I'm talking about the habits that become such an integral and normal part of your everyday life that you no longer know another way of doing them.

So, my question is how do you unlearn old habits/traits from past relationships? Or is it always even necessary? (And am I the only one feeling guilty for having the kneejerk-like habits and having problems with getting rid of them...)

I too have been through alot in my life and Im very untrusting and I dont see the person that others see, I recently lost alot of weight like the OP in this thread and I dont see the "thin" girl I still see the Fat girl who Ive been for awhile....It is when I see the clothes I wear that I realize I have lost so much weight. With my Sir, He has to be patient and loving and kind and had to endured so much, Ive punished him so much, from previous failures and from previous insecurities he has been such a champ to put up with it, albeit though he has made me feel so much better about myself and told me daily what a beautiful woman I am... and what a wonderful person I am... There are other things I am very stubborn about making decisions for myself cause Ive only had myself to rely upon for so long that Im not sure how to take it now that I can rely up on him for support.. so it takes some getting used to.. Just let him slowly show you he will always be there and ask him to be patient.. This is just my opinion though.. YMMV

Fi- You are a beautiful woman and youve changed so much in the last year and year and half and your enthuiasm, dedication and the love your MEN have for you as you are. You are a beautiful woman.

HM- You are also an inspriation to me what youve been through as a sub, woman and life partner and single mom, you give me inspiration everyday. Keep it up..

 

[YourCaptor]

Sort of off topic...

but their is beauty in picking up something broken and making it fly again.

 

[Netzach]

Don't they have issues too? Issues, they're not just for subs any more...

I think the baggage is evidence that we have unique history and perspectives and some scars which give us character, even if we'd rather not have them. The trick is to not be RULED by the baggage completely.

It's funny, I found myself giving my mom a pep talk about this. Her mother and the rest of this family fucked everyone up so bad, and her mom didn't start out fucked up either, she probably did well considering where she came from.

At 58 it's time to acknowledge her inner 5 year old but finally FINALLY say to her "sorry fragile kid, it's not time to buckle under - your mommy isn't here to criticize you into crying, it's just a mistake, you're learning."

I think it's one of those things where you're always going to carry those negative voices, you have to teach yourself whether or not you're going to actually let them make you behave a certain way over time, too.

 

[missy_me]

Thanks for all your replies. The guilt factor is the biggest problem for me, and it's nice to see that at least someone feels the same. Everyone here seem so secure with themselves that reading the board I sometimes feel like a total freak with all my insecurities.

-snip-
He feels that I can not completely submit to him if there are other things in my life that rule me; namely my fear of deep pain. I too feel guilty when I don't succeed with a task and often get very upset with myself because my failure.
-snip-

This is pretty much exactly my problem. I feel like I can't be everything I'd like to be to him, because of my fears. At times it's even bigger a problem to me than it it to J, and that also is something that leaves me wondering. Shouldn't I be satisfied with my performance if he is? He sets the measure, not me...

-snip-
For me, the only thing that has worked in getting past issues from previous relationships is time and a partner who is willing to help me work through them. i'm not perfect, and my issues creep in from time to time, but i am a lot better now than i was a year ago, and i hope to be able to say that next year.

The bolded part is what has been important to me. Having J in my life, whom I can trust, who respects me and wants to help me. Doesn't set me to fail time and time again, as used to happen in my previous relationship. And I'm in a lot better state now than I used to be.

Don't they have issues too? Issues, they're not just for subs any more...

I think the baggage is evidence that we have unique history and perspectives and some scars which give us character, even if we'd rather not have them. The trick is to not be RULED by the baggage completely.

-snip-

I think it's one of those things where you're always going to carry those negative voices, you have to teach yourself whether or not you're going to actually let them make you behave a certain way over time, too.

The bolded part is something I have a lot to work on. I have a bad habit of wallowing in my insecurities.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Thanks for all your replies. The guilt factor is the biggest problem for me, and it's nice to see that at least someone feels the same. Everyone here seem so secure with themselves that reading the board I sometimes feel like a total freak with all my insecurities.

I think that it's human nature to be more objective and insightful about other people's problems. Everyone has insecurities but when you read and respond to a post, you make a decision about what you want to say and then say it. I'm far less direct IRL than I am on here and my time here on Lit has taught me a lot about how to be more assertive in a positive and supportive way.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I don't have a huge lot of experience in BDSM, even less in having a stable D/s relationship (or any kind of a relationship for that matter), but I have been wondering how the past relationships affect the current one.

My first relationship left me full of fear and insecurities, and it's been quite a workload for the both J and I to work past them during the time we've been together. A lot of the issues are history now, but there are still certain situations that produce the kneejerk panicky reaction in me. In a way I can't but feel a little bit sorry for J that he has to put such effort in little by little training me out of my fear, and at times all this makes me feel guilty as well... J has never even implied that I should feel guilty because of this. He frequently says that it's a part of who I am and, as long as I'm willing to work my way out of certain traits and reactions, he's happy.

My own example is about fears, but I would assume certain habits also stick pretty tight. I'm talking about the habits that become such an integral and normal part of your everyday life that you no longer know another way of doing them.

So, my question is how do you unlearn old habits/traits from past relationships? Or is it always even necessary? (And am I the only one feeling guilty for having the kneejerk-like habits and having problems with getting rid of them...)

Here's a question for you reference the bold part above... Are you willing to work your way out of those certain traits and reactions? If so... stop feeling guilty because you are disrespecting J by doing so. He has told you he is happy if you are trying and as long as you are trying then that's what counts. You are human, you will slip up and make mistakes... that just means you try harder the next time.

Believe me I fully understand the guilt though but it serves no purpose other than to make you and him miserable. So here's my advice, are you ready for it?










STOP IT!!!

Best of luck to you.

 

[Qpet05]

with me.. trust is a biggie... Master and i have had a number of discussions on the subject.. He has told me that He sees 3 types of trust in me.... Physical, mental/spirtual and emotional.

Physical is NO problem for me.. i gave Master 100% of my trust in this area almost from day 1.

Mental/Spiritual.. it started off weak.. not understanding the "why" of things and almost balking at things until i LISTENED to Master and realized that He would never ask me to do something that He knew i COULD NOT do... my Mental trust started at about 25% and has risen to about 85 - 90% in the past 2 years..

Emotioinal trust has been the hardest to give to Master... i had been "taught" that my emotions MUST fit with everyone elses around me.. i wasn't "allowed" to have my own emotions....i would wait until i could determine what everyone else was feeling and then mirror them... Master wouldn't/doesn't allow that.. He expects and demands i SHOW Him how i'm feeling NOT how i think He wants me to feel.. it's been a LONG hard road.. BUT in the beginning my emotional trust was at about 5%... recently Master has told me that it has risen to about 80%.

i'm NOT "there" yet.. but with His patience and guidance i know that i WILL one day be able to give Him 100% of ALL of my TRUST!!

 

[unfoundiamond]

its all conditioning...

I think its all conditioning, I am or have been conditioned to lovers, porn, masterbating, even how I like my pussy eaten...

I find it terribly hard to come for a new lover especially when I have myself conditioned to the one before, and I am trying a new one... I sometimes can't at all, untill I recondition myself... or someone reconditions me...

Like with dirty talk, I have come to the point I need it. I both am vocal, and want her/him to be. To the point if s/he doesn't tell me what a dirty little slut I am, I won't cum... we can stare at/listen to each other all night, im not having any fireworks...

Only reason I say its conditioning, or the result of learning said habit is I know things where at one point interesting enough without it... now its not...

Also, I have a fear of my hands above my head, it totally keeps me from giving myself over to someones control 100%... I like this thread as it hits on hotspots for me...

Very pertinent...

 

[Fauna]

I think we all come into relationships with different expectations and hurts. For me, the trick has always been, do I trust this person enough to open up and knowing what I know about myself, do I want to accept the other persons baggage.

Its hard.

What I've seen in this community is more people who seem to be in touch with their needs than in my vanilla friendships. I think that helps.