So maybe I'm just a vanilla with some kinks ...

[rida]

Don't know if it is PMS, subdrop, being almost summer and having no capacity for stress anymore, but I have been feeling kind of off and totally pissed for a week or so. Of course when I'm feeling like that, I start thinking even more than I usually do. And one of the thought that I've been entertaining is that, perhaps, I am not a submissive. And not even one of the kinkied folk. I'm probably just a kinky vanilla.

At any rate, my questions for you are:

Is there a particular episode that made you realize unmistakably that you were one of the kinky folks?

Did you ever happen to doubt yourself afterward?

I'm thinking about Madetotakeit thread: "vanilla has been discontinued" and BiBunny "submission: a painful introspection" and wondering if anyone else would like to share their stories.

Thank you for sharing

 

[WickedEve]

At any rate, my questions for you are:

Is there a particular episode that made you realize unmistakably that you were one of the kinky folks?

Did you ever happen to doubt yourself afterward?

Thank you for sharing

No particular episode. I just knew that bdsm was right for me and the more I discovered about the lifestyle, the more I knew it.

I don't think I had any doubts for a long time. I was in my first bdsm relationship for almost 8 years and the majority of the time it was L/D. My current relationship is all in person for almost a year now. At first I thought I might be crazy. I guess going from mostly phone and emails to flesh-meets-flesh experiences was a bit of an initial shock. I did have to stop at times and analyze the whole thing. Now, everything is good.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Hi Rida. I have my totally vanilla life--my kids, my husband, work social circle etc and then I have the D/s side of me. I can't really separate them, for example in that 24/7 there are rules and guidelines I must follow as my Daddy's submissive. On the other side even when I am with my PYL my family and vanilla life have made certain hard limits necessary.

I like to think of myself not fully vanilla, yet not 100% kinked--I'm more like a vanilla and chocolate twist soft serve ice cream cone. Totally submissive and totally vanilla put swirled together while keeping the properties of each.

I LOVE my vanilla life, I also LOVE my D/s life. There are days where more of my attention is one way or another but I have discovered that I don't want to give up either side.

BTW, It's okay to be "just" a kinked vanilla.

 

[00Syd]

I have definitely (especially a lot lately) thought about the possibility of not actually being submissive, but just a vanilla with a few kinks. Whenever I start thinking about it, though, I just push it out of my mind since there isn't much point in thinking too hard about it until I at least give it a shot, right?

Soon!

 

[gloriann]

If you and your partner enjoy what you do in bed (or wherever) and no one is getting hurt, labels don't matter. Vanilla, kink... whatever... do what you enjoy and don't get hung up on labels.

 

[BiBunny]

It's been a couple of months or so since that thread of mine, and I was really struggling because I had a part of me that wanted to submit, but it just never felt right.

I've pretty much come to accept that "switch" in my case means "likes really kinky, bizarre shit on either side of the whip and doesn't necessarily need D/s at all." Some people trigger my Domme side and make me want to keep them, but I'm mostly just a kinky play kinda girl. I've found I can't do submission at all without some really deep feelings, so it's better on me if I just suppress that side altogether. It doesn't surface often, anyhow.

I really think there are way more people who are into bedroom kink and a mostly egalitarian relationship outside of specific sexual contexts than are represented here. There are a lot of flavors between kinky vanilla and M/s, but you don't see them talked about much, and a lot of times, they're looked down upon by the more "serious" players. (That happens in a lot of venues; I'm not leveling a criticism at Lit.) I'm pretty much to the point now that I do what feels good to me and damn what other people think, LOL. I think I'd be very unhappy if I were stuck as either a Domme or a sub all the time, anyway, and God knows, if I couldn't laugh at myself often, life wouldn't be worth living.

 

[lilly85]

................

 

[ownedsubgal]

Don't know if it is PMS, subdrop, being almost summer and having no capacity for stress anymore, but I have been feeling kind of off and totally pissed for a week or so. Of course when I'm feeling like that, I start thinking even more than I usually do. And one of the thought that I've been entertaining is that, perhaps, I am not a submissive. And not even one of the kinkied folk. I'm probably just a kinky vanilla.

At any rate, my questions for you are:

Is there a particular episode that made you realize unmistakably that you were one of the kinky folks?

Did you ever happen to doubt yourself afterward?

Thank you for sharing

actually, i don't consider myself to be "kinky." for me it's (the lifestyle) about a specific worldview and way of life, so it really encompasses all things. as far as some particular moment or situation which made me realize that i was "different," i'm not sure that there was one. it's more something that i've always felt, yet had never been able to define or understand. when i discovered the lifestyle (btw my introduction was through M/s folk, not so much bdsm folk, so that could make a difference), it felt like finally coming home. i finally had a place in the world, and i wasn't just some freak after all.

but of course i doubted myself at times...there were periods where, after i had become a slave, i wondered what i had gotten myself into and if this way of life was really for me. some things were just soooo difficult, and more than that, scary. i worried about disappearing, no longer being "me." typical stuff. yet at the same time, i couldn't imagine ever being content in a less controlling or structured relationship dynamic either. in my case it was really just growing pains, and after 8 years in the lifestyle and nearly as long in slavery, i only wish that i could have found this path sooner.

with all that said, there's nothing at all wrong with desiring or needing a basically vanilla/egalitarian relationship structure, with some hot kinky sex thrown in. nor is there anything wrong with being a pure bdsm'er, interested in topping and bottoming but with no desire for power exchange. the way that all of these various interests and lifestyles are often all mixed together in on and offline groups can sometimes be confusing, and make one feel as if you should be or feel something you are not. but just listen to yourself, and go with what feels natural and right to you, deep down.

 

[rida]

Thank you all for your comments! Will go back and re-read soon.

I've since long accepted that I can only be who I am and not who someone else wants me to be. And also that I don't need to fit into any specific mold to feel validated. If I'm vanilla ... fine, if I'm chocolate vanilla swirl mix soft cream ice (I like this ... thanks ecstaticsub!) ... that is fine too. And if I am a totally different flavor ... that will do as well.

The struggle is that I hate to deceive people. But it is hard to be honest when I am not sure myself where I stand.

I've a tendency from time to time to want to test people by messing up the game, changing the rules and throwing the cards at them. It is childish and ultimately damaging. And as such I am trying to sort out things in my head before taking any stance.

So thank you again for your words

 

[intothewoods]

Thank you all for your comments! Will go back and re-read soon.

I've since long accepted that I can only be who I am and not who someone else wants me to be. And also that I don't need to fit into any specific mold to feel validated. If I'm vanilla ... fine, if I'm chocolate vanilla swirl mix soft cream ice (I like this ... thanks ecstaticsub!) ... that is fine too. And if I am a totally different flavor ... that will do as well.

The struggle is that I hate to deceive people. But it is hard to be honest when I am not sure myself where I stand.

I've a tendency from time to time to want to test people by messing up the game, changing the rules and throwing the cards at them. It is childish and ultimately damaging. And as such I am trying to sort out things in my head before taking any stance.

So thank you again for your words

It's interesting to me that so many more submissives question themselves than do dominants.

Why would you be deceiving people? I mean, even if you say you're submissive, you are human also, and submission doesn't mean the same exact thing to every person.

I'm curious about what you mean by testing people, messing up the game, changing the rules, etc. Can you explain that a little more?

 

[Homburg]

It's interesting to me that so many more submissives question themselves than do dominants.

Do what? Off the top of my head, I can think of one dominant that posts here that does not question himself per his own posts. And I think even he questioned himself early on, again, per his own posts.

It ain't exactly easy to get yourself to that point where you are completely comfortable with reducing the person you love to a shuddering, crying, welt-covered, ruin. There's a fuck lot of questioning along the way. Submissives just vocalise more, and probably dwell on it more.

To rida - go with kinky vanilla. Another choice is to call yourself a bottom. Why identify with D/s if you just get off on spankings, and don't care about psychodrama? (if that is the case)

 

[rida]

....
I really think there are way more people who are into bedroom kink and a mostly egalitarian relationship outside of specific sexual contexts than are represented here.
....

....
with all that said, there's nothing at all wrong with desiring or needing a basically vanilla/egalitarian relationship structure, with some hot kinky sex thrown in.
....

Sorry for snipping your very helpful posts into those two little sentences.
I just found interesting that the dichotomy between bedroom kink and a more pervasive D/s or M/s relationship seems to be the egalitarian structure of the relationship.

To me, a relationship were both sides get their needs met is the best example of an egalitarian partnership, independently of who makes the decisions (or yield the whip ).

 

[rida]

It's interesting to me that so many more submissives question themselves than do dominants.

Why would you be deceiving people? I mean, even if you say you're submissive, you are human also, and submission doesn't mean the same exact thing to every person.

I'm curious about what you mean by testing people, messing up the game, changing the rules, etc. Can you explain that a little more?

It is a bit complicate to explain without going into too many details. I'm trying to explore where I stand in the BDSM spectrum and why I want other relationships beside the one with Hubby. I want to be as honest as I can. Firstly toward myself and Hubby, but also toward any third party. I don't like to leave behind friendly casualties.

As for what I mean by testing people, I've been known to have sudden burst in which I suddenly stop being the me that I have been up to that moment, where I accentuate what I think are my worst trait and let my emotions make unreasonable demands. More often than not, people just walk away.

The truth is that once the burst has died out, I usually go back to the old me, maybe a little tweaking here or there, as that is ultimately who I am.
It is like a "what if" test: if I was all this things instead, would you still want to be around me?

 

[rida]

....
To rida - go with kinky vanilla. Another choice is to call yourself a bottom. Why identify with D/s if you just get off on spankings, and don't care about psychodrama? (if that is the case)

I actually prefer the psychodrama (and rope) to the spanking.
Bottoming only (again, beside for rope) it is not something I can see myself enjoying, beside for the educational purpose of experiencing something new.
So for me personally, is probably more a D/s (M/s) or nothing deal.

You mentioned that there has been a time in the past when you felt like you had lost your Dominant mojo for few years. If I may ask, what happened then? What made you find it back? Also, how did you discovered it in the first place?

Thank you in advance, Homburg-sama m(_ _)m

 

[FurryFury]

I had a particular episode and it woke me up to what I was. I've probably written about it too many times here already.

After that, I researched and accepted it. Sometimes I've been frustrated by it but I've never questioned it since reaching that acceptance. I know and like myself better now.

 

[intothewoods]

Do what? Off the top of my head, I can think of one dominant that posts here that does not question himself per his own posts. And I think even he questioned himself early on, again, per his own posts.

It ain't exactly easy to get yourself to that point where you are completely comfortable with reducing the person you love to a shuddering, crying, welt-covered, ruin. There's a fuck lot of questioning along the way. Submissives just vocalise more, and probably dwell on it more.

To rida - go with kinky vanilla. Another choice is to call yourself a bottom. Why identify with D/s if you just get off on spankings, and don't care about psychodrama? (if that is the case)

By question themselves, I mean question whether they're dominant, not whether it's okay to be dominant. I can't think of all that many submissives who have never once posted here, am I actually submissive? I think I'm "just vanilla" or "just a bottom." Has there been a post in which a Dom asked, maybe I'm just a Top? I'm really asking - I can't think of one - but maybe I'm forgetting, and certainly I haven't been around as long as many here.

 

[intothewoods]

It is a bit complicate to explain without going into too many details. I'm trying to explore where I stand in the BDSM spectrum and why I want other relationships beside the one with Hubby. I want to be as honest as I can. Firstly toward myself and Hubby, but also toward any third party. I don't like to leave behind friendly casualties.

As for what I mean by testing people, I've been known to have sudden burst in which I suddenly stop being the me that I have been up to that moment, where I accentuate what I think are my worst trait and let my emotions make unreasonable demands. More often than not, people just walk away.

The truth is that once the burst has died out, I usually go back to the old me, maybe a little tweaking here or there, as that is ultimately who I am.
It is like a "what if" test: if I was all this things instead, would you still want to be around me?

So, something like you develop a crush on a third party, or perhaps a longing to submit or serve, but then really you just wanted to screw his brains out? I think as long as you say, hey, I'm just living in the moment here, not sure where this is going, it should be all cool.

The bolded part is interesting because you know what I do? The exact opposite. I recently (a few months ago or so) caught myself playing up my best traits - the care-taking, the cooking, the easygoing-ness - when I haven't historically been able to always maintain that high a level of, well, service, for lack of a better expression.

 

[Netzach]

I like what I've got now. In terms of living with someone I want a kind of unforced natural dynamic in which I tend to drive decisions, but it doesn't have to be structured and it doesn't have to be totally consistent. It's pretty basic existence and there's give and take.

I need other interactions in which it is structured, clear, and apparent, but I don't want to live with those people.

I understand the testing thing. Doesn't mean you are or are suddenly not submissive though - I do that with people, but it's what I do with my insecurities, other people do different things with theirs. I wonder if you're trying to re-define yourself around other people's kind of weird and unreasonable expectations of what a person must be and act like if they're submissive or want to be in their personal life.

 

[YourCaptor]

I think I have always been like this. When I look back on my childhood I can see “kinky” things I was doing even back then.

I didn’t know it though until my first serious relationship. She was indecisive about sex and always did the safe reluctance thing, I kept thinking if I force her its rape. Eventual I forced her anyway, and the experience really allowed me to see the difference between abuse and authority. After that I became comfortable with that side of myself and began to unlock years of suppressed desires.

I don’t think I am “kinky”, to me I’m just normal, but to society I’m something else.

You may simply be feeling like this because you hang out with kinky people. You can ask yourself, compared to people who lead this society, such as bush, obama, etc, are you kinky compared to them?

 

[rida]

To keep the thread on track, I'm bulking here the Side-jack/me-specific comments.

Thank you for your concerns to my specific situation
here are my replies:

So, something like you develop a crush on a third party, or perhaps a longing to submit or serve, but then really you just wanted to screw his brains out? I think as long as you say, hey, I'm just living in the moment here, not sure where this is going, it should be all cool.

It is a bit of that and a bit of the opposite too, really.
And for some reason the "I don't know" explanation does not leave me satisfied.
I probably just think too much ... lol

The bolded part is interesting because you know what I do? The exact opposite. I recently (a few months ago or so) caught myself playing up my best traits - the care-taking, the cooking, the easygoing-ness - when I haven't historically been able to always maintain that high a level of, well, service, for lack of a better expression.

Interesting. The care-taking thing is something that is so part of me that it is always there. I cannot switch it off. What will change the most is that I'd go from "I'm strong, I'm self sufficient, I don't need anything else, really" to "I'm lost, I'm not worthy but this is not enough and I need this, this, this and that".

.......
I understand the testing thing. Doesn't mean you are or are suddenly not submissive though - I do that with people, but it's what I do with my insecurities, other people do different things with theirs. I wonder if you're trying to re-define yourself around other people's kind of weird and unreasonable expectations of what a person must be and act like if they're submissive or want to be in their personal life.

The bolded part is really something to check for. I don't think/feel like I am doing that, especially not for a third party. But maybe I am afraid that I am sort of forcing myself to be how I think I should be, how I wish I would be. Instead of how I know I can be.

....
I don’t think I am “kinky”, to me I’m just normal, but to society I’m something else.

You may simply be feeling like this because you hang out with kinky people. You can ask yourself, compared to people who lead this society, such as bush, obama, etc, are you kinky compared to them?

Well, I never thought of myself as particularly normal, even when I had no idea about being kinky ... lol

But I like your test idea, although I'd rather compare myself to the average Jane. The answer is probably: hell yes! But if I compare with the average Tanaka-san ... I'm honestly not sure .
Oh ... forgot to compare with the average Sig.ra Rossi ... if the rumors are true ... probably not either

 

[rida]

I had a particular episode and it woke me up to what I was. I've probably written about it too many times here already.

After that, I researched and accepted it. Sometimes I've been frustrated by it but I've never questioned it since reaching that acceptance. I know and like myself better now.

*going off to stalk Fury's old posts .....*

I think I have always been like this. When I look back on my childhood I can see “kinky” things I was doing even back then.

I didn’t know it though until my first serious relationship. She was indecisive about sex and always did the safe reluctance thing, I kept thinking if I force her its rape. Eventual I forced her anyway, and the experience really allowed me to see the difference between abuse and authority. After that I became comfortable with that side of myself and began to unlock years of suppressed desires.
.....

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[YourCaptor]

But I like your test idea, although I'd rather compare myself to the average Jane. The answer is probably: hell yes! But if I compare with the average Tanaka-san ... I'm honestly not sure .
Oh ... forgot to compare with the average Sig.ra Rossi ... if the rumors are true ... probably not either

Comparing yourself to Tanakasan is not fair, deprivation creates monsters. Try working that hard for a week and see what happens, but don't come around my place when you are doing that.

Sig.ra Rossi? Italian? All I know is the food and ice cream... oh that ice cream is soooooo delicious. You know without Italian ice cream every german kids childhood would be much, much sadder.

Spaghetti ice

 

[Homburg]

By question themselves, I mean question whether they're dominant, not whether it's okay to be dominant. I can't think of all that many submissives who have never once posted here, am I actually submissive? I think I'm "just vanilla" or "just a bottom." Has there been a post in which a Dom asked, maybe I'm just a Top? I'm really asking - I can't think of one - but maybe I'm forgetting, and certainly I haven't been around as long as many here.

Plenty. Look at the crisis of confidence style threads, delving into the psyche of sadists, etc. I've made those sort of posts describing moments where I've wondered that.

Not arguing that doms do so more than subs, just that I've seen a whole lot of those of us on the handle side of the whip expressing doubts.

 

[rida]

Comparing yourself to Tanakasan is not fair, deprivation creates monsters. Try working that hard for a week and see what happens, but don't come around my place when you are doing that.

Sig.ra Rossi? Italian? All I know is the food and ice cream... oh that ice cream is soooooo delicious. You know without Italian ice cream every german kids childhood would be much, much sadder.

Spaghetti ice

LOL! Actually I was comparing to Mrs. Tanaka. And trust me ... I do know what it means to work that hard all week ... but I don't see why you wouldn't want me around ...

And totally agreed on Italian Gelato

 

[SweetErika]

As for what I mean by testing people, I've been known to have sudden burst in which I suddenly stop being the me that I have been up to that moment, where I accentuate what I think are my worst trait and let my emotions make unreasonable demands. More often than not, people just walk away.

The truth is that once the burst has died out, I usually go back to the old me, maybe a little tweaking here or there, as that is ultimately who I am.
It is like a "what if" test: if I was all this things instead, would you still want to be around me?

Oh yeah, I've done that on occasion. I think for me it comes down to needing to know I can change, screw up and be my whole, true self and still be loved and accepted. I realize there are limits, of course, but testing with instability somehow leads to feeling more stable/secure in my fucked up mind.

I think dominants think and question just as much as submissives, but we probably tend to do it more quietly. Most of the people I know, no matter their D/s orientation, have questioned, tried different things and struggled A LOT, even if they don't talk about it or appear to do so.

I don't talk about it a ton, but I've had the same thoughts about being vanilla/kinky/dominant/switchy/etc. as you very often. So has my husband. I figure they're just a function of figuring out who we are, what we really like and where we might be headed. I can't tell you how many times I've gone back and forth wondering about who and where I truly am in terms of D/s. I seem to go through questioning and interest phases a lot, but there are enough constants to tell me I'm on the right track and give me faith it'll level out some in time.

Great topic with lots of food for some serious introspection!