How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The old Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering obscenities, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back.

'Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie!.'

 

[NocturnalFables]

Married couple's sex life has deteriorated over the years. The wife decides she is going to try and do something about it. So he gets a real slutty Wonder Woman costume and makes it even sluttier. She cuts out the crotch adjusts the top so her breast are fully exposed. Then she bounds into the living room where her husband is watching TV.

"Dun DUNNN duun... SUPER PUSSY!" she yells.

Her husband looks her up and down and calmly says, "I'll take the soup."

 

[wally2450]

"Hello, help desk."

"Yes, this is Mrs. Duffy on the sixth floor. I want to report a
violation of company policy."

"What seems to be the trouble, Mrs. Duffy?"

"I have found some of the computers in the office here are being
used to look at orgies."

"We have filtering software on the network that prevents sites like
that from being displayed."

"Well, I just sat down at one of the computers and clicked on the
bookmarks."

"And there's a list of pornographic sites?"

"I should say so. Quite a few."

"They should be blocked by the filter. Did you click on them?"

"I didn't have to. They say dot O-R-G and I've been around long
enough to know what that means."

 

[wally2450]

Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher
decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she
rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door. The teacher
said, "Hello,
Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father."

Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here."

The teacher said, "Johnny, what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," said Little Johnny, "but dad sure was mad that
they had t'go bail her out again."

 

[blackphownix]

At a urologist's:

"I think you should stop masturbating."
"Oh, is it bad for me?"
"No, it's just that I'd like to examine you."

 

[wally2450]

HOW TO Upset THOSE NORTHERN YANKEES

** Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

** Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

** When giving directions, finish with, "It's right down
yonder on the left. Ya can't miss it."

** When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em
"Delta's ready when you are!"

** Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

** Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't
have it, raise a ruckus.

** Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

** Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names.
(e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob...)

** Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in
conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War,"
always interject that "There was nothing civil about it."

** Address all males as "Son" and females as "Little Lady."

** Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example:
It's "pee-can."

** Put Tabasco on everything.

** For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New
York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm
from upstate New Yoik!" say, "Well, I'll be; my wife has always
wanted to see a Broadway show!"

** When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with
a box of Moon Pies - banana ones.

** Name all of your children "Bubba." (Or as George Foreman
did... George)

** Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.

** "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.

** "Fetch" something.

** Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin' to do" something.

** Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

** Be sure to include "Yes/No, Ma'am/Sir" in all conversations.

** Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions.
"Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where
the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a
Amoco or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there."

** Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you
went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

** Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.

 

[bailadora]

HOW TO Upset THOSE NORTHERN YANKEES

*snickers* Fixin and yes/no ma'am/sir (regardless of age) are fixtures in my vocabulary and it drives my husband nuts! Sweet tea is a must in my household, regardless of season.

But I beg to differ on the pronunciation of pecan. It's peh-cahhhn, if you please.

 

[MagicFingers]

I recon that's a mighty fine list there Wally

*snickers* Fixin and yes/no ma'am/sir (regardless of age) are fixtures in my vocabulary and it drives my husband nuts! Sweet tea is a must in my household, regardless of season.

But I beg to differ on the pronunciation of pecan. It's peh-cahhhn, if you please.

I understood every word. We used peh-cahhhn and pee-can both.
And I have a big jar of sweet tea in the 'fridge all summer, only now it's sun tea sweetened with aspartame. More healthy but just as tasty.

Well, I'm fixin to go see the Angel game, so y'all come back now, ya hear?

 

[wally2450]

You're Old When... • You can live without s**, but not without your glasses. • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. • You enjoy watching the news. • The phone rings, and you hope it's not for you. • The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion. • You're proud of your lawnmower. • You start singing along with elevator music. • You really DO want a new washing machine for your birthday. • You routinely check the oil in your car. • You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style - TWICE. • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. • 8 am is your idea of 'sleeping in'. • You write thank you notes without being told. • Neighbors borrow your tools. • You answer a question with, "Because I said so!" • Others ask for your recipes. • You start Christmas shopping in August. • You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back. • You don't like to drive after dark. • You say the words, "Turn that music down!" too often. • You point out what buildings used to be where. • You know all the warning signs of a heart attack. • You rake the yard without being told to. • You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. • The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.

 

[wally2450]

*snickers* Fixin and yes/no ma'am/sir (regardless of age) are fixtures in my vocabulary and it drives my husband nuts! Sweet tea is a must in my household, regardless of season.

But I beg to differ on the pronunciation of pecan. It's peh-cahhhn, if you please.

I don't get lost in details. Just gimme some frick'in Pecan Pie! An I don't care about the whipped cream...

 

[smoothdevil]

a lady friend sent me this ... the ex lady friend ... lol

BBQ RULES




We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


Routine


(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.


(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.


Here comes the important part:


(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…


(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.


(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he
deals with the situation.

Important again:


(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO
THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.


(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:


(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his
cooking efforts.


(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

 

[smoothdevil]

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?


Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?


Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)


-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10




6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7


-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7


-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )




8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 9

 

[IsabellaKing]

And the #1 Favorite is........

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 9

This boy will go far.

 

[smoothdevil]

This boy will go far.

yes .... honey always works ... lol lol

 

[wally2450]

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.

However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and
he
went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.

His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that
to a girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced
him
to one of the sweetest girls around town.

She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually
got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted.
She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."

He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very
minute!!"

She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she
gave him a hot one square across the lips.

He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"

She said, "Why are you going to die?"

He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has
begun to get stiff!"

 

[wally2450]

This boy will go far.

 

[smoothdevil]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital and was promptly
admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra
do for him, Doctor?'

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
keep the sheets off his legs.'

 

[wally2450]

A marriage license should be like a fishing license. It expires every year and if you go out of state you can get a 3-day tourist license.


If you think about it, girls and fish have a lot in common. They are fun to catch and if you clean and prep them right, most are good to eat.

Also if you decide to mount one you know it's going to cost you plenty! If you bring one home (no matter how well you treat them) they start going bad and fresh ones are always better.

So practice catch-and-release.

 

[wally2450]

A young boy was out with his dad in the park when
he spotted a woman about to breastfeed her baby.
She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very
large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the
child's mouth.

"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" the lad asked.

"Relax, son. She's just feeding him," the father replied.

"Get outta here!" the boy, exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all
of that!"

 

[wally2450]

At a convention of oilmen, the speaker from Texas called
the neighboring state of Oklahoma an "Outlying province
of Texas."

The next speaker, an Oklahoman, started off his talk with,
"First of all, there ain't no state that can out-lie
Texas."

 

[smoothdevil]

HOW to SAVE the AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?




Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

 

[redpaint]

Hungry for sex
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

 

[redpaint]

It goes in real hard



I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so

soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..

Do you have a piece of gum?

 

[redpaint]

Peanuts
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question. As he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear.

He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father.

"That's wonderful. He's so smart! I wonder what he's gonna be when he grows up!"

"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

 

[smoothdevil]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone"