I am so disappointed in myself.

[mdb913]

If you ever read my story One Good Reason (surprisingly, not a plug), you'd be aware of the main character of my current situation, who we'll continue to refer to as "Stacy" for purposes of privacy. Ever since graduation, we've stayed in touch via the wonders of the Internet. Of course, she's really the only person who I regularly speak to in a one-on-one sense, and she knows this. She was the first person to look at my Weight of the World story. I was the one she went to when she was student-teaching in Pittsburgh and the isolation of living alone in a big city got to her. She only lives 30 miles away--here in the northeast portion of the US, that's a nothing drive. As a matter of fact, while I had a job up in that area last year, she and her fiancee offered me a room to stay in for the night while there was a blizzard that kept me from driving home.

She's getting married today. She's going to look absolutely beautiful in her wedding gown, the afterparty's going to be incredibly fun, and in general, it's going to be a splendid affair.

Or so I'm assuming, considering I wasn't invited.

It's not like I live here in PA and she lives in British Columbia or something--the wedding is a half-hour away. Every time I ask myself "Why?" and attempt to answer, the conclusion never has anything to do with it being her fault. Maybe she didn't invite me because she knows I would have come alone and possibly been depressed. Maybe she didn't invite me because that possible depression would have brought everyone else down. Maybe she didn't invite me because, out of the possible 200 invitees, I wasn't important enough.

Maybe she didn't invite me because we're not really friends.

I am so disappointed in myself. The one person that I consider a friend thought so much of me that she didn't even bother to invite me to her wedding. This is what I get for considering anybody a friend. I feel so stupid because, all this time, I guess she never thought of me as such, and I deluded myself into believing it.

I just needed to vent.

 

[Guest]

Maybe it really was an omission by accident. Or the post fucked up the mail.

I'm sorry.

 

[mdb913]

Maybe it really was an omission by accident. Or the post fucked up the mail.

No offense to you, Sarah, but that's a damn hard pill to swallow. "It got lost in the mail?" I can't believe that. I can't.

 

[DesertPirate]

Wish I had an answer

The old standard, ask?

 

[Guest]

No offense to you, Sarah, but that's a damn hard pill to swallow. "It got lost in the mail?" I can't believe that. I can't.

And I don't know the situation, I realize.

I'm certainly not a Pollyanna. In fact, I'm seriously pessimistic.

But things like that have been known to happen.

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

I'm no genius in these matters, but I am guessing you might be more than friends and she couldn't deal with that added tension on the wedding day. It's just a silly theory from a perfect stranger, but it's my theory just the same.

 

[rgraham666]

I'm wondering why you're beating yourself up for something your friend did.

Anyway, ask when you get the chance.

 

[mdb913]

I'm no genius in these matters, but I am guessing you might be more than friends and she couldn't deal with that added tension on the wedding day. It's just a silly theory from a perfect stranger, but it's my theory just the same.

No, it's nothing like that. As much as I'd have loved to have a thing, say, in high school, I was too much of a pussy to ask her out (or anyone out, for that matter). We've never had a thing.

 

[gauchecritic]

I feel kinda close to one or two here at the AH, I've even told a couple about a personal tragedy a while ago. I've edited for people, people've edited for me. I've met several AHers, I've lusted after a few and flirted with many more.

I would never, ever expect to be invited to any sort of personal gathering that any of them held.

(although I did stand outside the church when Tray got married, banging on the window and shouting her name)

 

[Vermilion]

as someone a couple of months away from their wedding allow me to explain how things are for me...

My fiance has an enormous family - ENORMOUS. We've had to be brutal with our guest list because we don;t have much money, so we're not even asking all of his family, just the ones closest to him. Now he can;t exclude half his family and then have every friend he ever made, so we had to get brutal with his friends too. The very closest friends only.

Now I have a small family, so I invited everyone from ym family, which came out to about the same number, but I could still only invite my very closest, oldest friends. There are people I love dearly, people I speak to online all the time and try and meet up with when I have the chance, but I just couldn;t invite them to our wedding. We haven;t the room or the money. I feel so bad about this that I haven;t broached the subject with them, I just don;t know how. So whenever they mention the wedding I get all ambiguous and try not to give them the wrong idea. I feel terrible, but I am juggling so many balls, trying to keep so many people happy and all I seem to be doing is upsetting people (both the mothers are upset with me, my fiance is upset with me, all his aunts and uncles are upset with both of us etc...)

One of my friends and one of the Fiance's cousins has said to us that they totally understand how stressful and expensive weddings are and they don;t expect to be asked. We were so grateful to them.

If her situation is anything like mine then she didn;t want to hurt you and, if she could have, she would have invited you. Maybe she'd be really thankful if you just reached out and told her that you understand...

<hugs>
I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope that something I've said rings true for you and helps you.
x
V

 

[tickledkitty]

This was very nicely said, V. I was thinking along those same lines myself but didn't quite know how to say it.

200 guests is not many. It seems like a lot, but it's 100 for the bride and 100 for the groom. That still seems like a lot until you start trying to figure out who to invite. I had the same problem. There were people I wasn't able to invite, and it was hurtful to everyone. Even more so when a few that I did invite didn't show up, leaving a spot that could've been filled by someone else.

It's all so stressful. I agree that you should NOT feel that there is some inadequacy in you that has caused this and that you should let your friend know that you understand and that you're still friends.

 

[mdb913]

I suppose I can understand. Maybe.

To me, 100 is a lot. I mean, my extended family isn't very extended and, like I said, not exactly big on friendship in terms of exercising it.

 

[colddiesel]

Suggested solution

1 possibly you are reading too much into this?

2 send them a small present or at least a congratulatory card. It will at least make you feel good about yourself and stop you from being the centre of your own attention.

Good luck

 

[mdb913]

Suggested solution

1 possibly you are reading too much into this?

2 send them a small present or at least a congratulatory card. It will at least make you feel good about yourself and stop you from being the centre of your own attention.

Good luck

...Gee, thanks.

 

[Katyusha]

There are several friends' weddings that I was never invited to, people that I consider to be fairly close to me, and some of whom were at my wedding. I agree with Vermilion in that her not inviting you may have nothing at all to do with you. The friends whose weddings I wasn't invited to all had very tight budgets and simply could not afford to have a lot of people there.

It was the same with my wedding; we also couldn't afford to have a lot of people there, and there were friends we both wanted to invite that we couldn't, because our guest list would simply have been too much. It hurt us both to have to pick and choose who was invited like that, but we had no choice unless we wanted to make people pay an admission fee to attend.

The first thing I assumed with the people who didn't invite me to their weddings was that they had to make some difficult choices about the guest list, and I turned out to be right. It didn't really occur to me to wonder if that was intended to be some type of slight, if they were telling me that I just wasn't important to them. Weddings are expensive and difficult to pull together.

The only advice I can give you is to find a way to bring up the topic and ask her why you weren't invited. It's the only way you'll know why; we can all tell you what MIGHT be going on, but we don't know her so we don't know why.

 

[Misty_Morning]

.....

 

[MagicaPractica]

I can't offer an explanation, there's only one person who can, but I'm sorry you're hurting. *hugs* Very silly perhaps, but when someone has offended or hurt me, I bless them three times. I don't know why it works, but it helps me generate positive feelings toward them again. Takes me out of the pain. (Some times I have to do it a few times. )

 

[Fallenfromgrace]

I am with Vermilion on this, a wedding is often one of the most stressful occasions to plan, especially for the bride. Cutting the guest list isn't something that anyone would like to do...it's not something that is enjoyed in any sense.

Don't take it to heart, as if that is the reason, you are highly unlikely to be the only one who isn't attending who may feel the same closeness.

~~

Just a note, Misty and I are not getting married in Vegas...not happening...

 

[Stella_Omega]

I suppose I can understand. Maybe.

To me, 100 is a lot. I mean, my extended family isn't very extended and, like I said, not exactly big on friendship in terms of exercising it.

It seemed like a lot to me too-- until I started trying to figure out who was in that 100.

Talk to her. Tell her-- even though you might not believe it-- that you know she would have invited you if she could, and you wish her happy.

That would be the best gift you could give a bride-to-be.

 

[Vermilion]

I suppose I can understand. Maybe.

To me, 100 is a lot. I mean, my extended family isn't very extended and, like I said, not exactly big on friendship in terms of exercising it.

But you're assuming that she really is having 200 people... To go back to my wedding - we're having 60 guests. That's 30 each.

my parents (2)
my sister (that makes 3)
my 3 school friends (6)
aunt and uncle (8)
grandparents(10)
other aunt and uncle (12)
cousins (16)
Godparents (18)
Their other halves (20)
my sister's other half (21)
my 3 school friend's other halves (24)
My 4 cousins other halves (28)
A very close friend from uni who was my confidante when I first started dating the Fiance (29)
Her other half (30)

See. The problem is that you can;t just invote your friends and family. You have to invite their SO too.

Honestly, before I started all this nonsense I thought I'd be able to pull this off far more elegantly than anyone else. That I'd be able to avoid hurting or upsetting anyone. That I'd be able to stay within budget etc. That I'd have a lovely day with all those people closest to me.
All bullshit.
I'm only inviting 4 friends. Most of the rest are 'have to invite's.
I wish we'd eloped like I first suggested, but no-one would let me.

Oh, and just so you know. A church wedding for 60 people is costing about the equivalent of $20,000.
Can she afford to have more guests than that?

still x and good wishes
V

 

[mdb913]

But you're assuming that she really is having 200 people... To go back to my wedding - we're having 60 guests. That's 30 each.

my parents (2)
my sister (that makes 3)
my 3 school friends (6)
aunt and uncle (8)
grandparents(10)
other aunt and uncle (12)
cousins (16)
Godparents (18)
Their other halves (20)
my sister's other half (21)
my 3 school friend's other halves (24)
My 4 cousins other halves (28)
A very close friend from uni who was my confidante when I first started dating the Fiance (29)
Her other half (30)

See. The problem is that you can;t just invote your friends and family. You have to invite their SO too.

Honestly, before I started all this nonsense I thought I'd be able to pull this off far more elegantly than anyone else. That I'd be able to avoid hurting or upsetting anyone. That I'd be able to stay within budget etc. That I'd have a lovely day with all those people closest to me.
All bullshit.
I'm only inviting 4 friends. Most of the rest are 'have to invite's.
I wish we'd eloped like I first suggested, but no-one would let me.

Oh, and just so you know. A church wedding for 60 people is costing about the equivalent of $20,000.
Can she afford to have more guests than that?

still x and good wishes
V

...Y'know, I always knew that one of the perks of dying dateless was saving money, but...good lord.

......OH! I just remembered, they weren't having the wedding in a church; it was an outdoor ceremony. They're not religious.

 

[starrkers]

Seems you're determined the think the worst of this friend.

Doesn't make you much of a friend either, does it?

 

[curlypuss]

ALWAYS look in the mirror before you blame anyone else for your situation.

Secondly EVERY problem is an opportunity------eventually.

 

[tickledkitty]

ALWAYS look in the mirror before you blame anyone else for your situation.

Secondly EVERY problem is an opportunity------eventually.

Oh, that's very helpful. Thank you.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Oh, that's very helpful. Thank you.

I used to work with a young woman who spoke in platitudes and commonplaces much of the time. It takes the place of actual thought, IMO.