New to this- am I a sub?

[carnivorous]

I recently got out of a very long (vanilla) relationship. This person was my first and only sexual partner. The sex was ok, only towards the end did it get really good. I did have fantasies that I enteretained like having him tie me up or role playing as if the sex was "against my will". Neither of these actually ever happened. One time we were in our bedroom, either kissing or just talking (don't remember exactly), and he all of a sudden pins me down on the bed, puts his hands around my wrists and holds them over my head so I couldn't move at all. I tried to move and he wouldn't let me and I started crying because in my mind, I was thinking, if he wanted to hurt me, he really could do it and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. But at the same time he just randomly did it and I wasn't expecting it, even though a while ago (not that very day) I had told him about my fantasy for him to take me "against my will". The only thing we ever did that was even slightly in the realm of BDSM was hair-pulling (him pulling mine), which I love.

He never tied me up even though I asked for it a few times. Maybe he was freaked out by my reaction when the above scenerio happened.

I met a very nice man a little while ago. The first night we met we somehow started talking about BDSM. He told me he is a masochist. I told him that I have thought about engaging in masochistic activity but I hadn't ever actually done it. He told me would beat my ass hard, which turned me on to hear. The next time I saw him he told me that he switches quite well and has an array of toys/ gear. And then the last time I saw him he asked me if I was sure I was into it or not, or if I was trying to use it as a way to spice up a lacluster sex life in my old relationship? I told him I wasn't sure because I had never actually done any of it. I do know that I thoroughly enjoy the idea of being "used" for someone's pleasure (in a sexual fantasy way, not in reality- I have no desire to be someone's one night stand).

One night him & I ended up fooling around. He didn't get into the BDSM stuff, other than at one point he had his hands somewhat tightly around my neck while he kissed me really forcefully. I liked that, but I liked everything else that went on as well.

How does one discover if they are into BDSM? What is the next step into it with this new person? I really like him and would like to be able to be dominant for him for the times he needs to be submissive, but I have no idea how to do it. I have no idea how this is supposed to start out, or what I'm supposed to do, or if I even like any of it, or if it's just a silly idea I'm entertaining in my head for some strange reason. I feel pretty comfortable with asking him questions about it so that won't be an issue.

Help??

 

[twysted73]

I recently got out of a very long (vanilla) relationship.

You have my condolenses as well as my congratulations.

Help??

Happy to.

waves magic wand....

You're submissive.

Not knowing anything about you other then how you portray yourself through your thoughts and impulses, I would say you are most definitely interested in exploring your submissive tendancies. And more power to you.
**hands you your submissive union card**
Don't lose this.

Alright, now that we have you identified, what next?
Submission is a good place to start. Whether for a Dominant, a switch or a budding submissive. Because it's just damn healthy for yourself, your perceptions as well as anyone you "play" with later for you to have that perspective from the git-go.
Without too much explination, it just IS. Take my word for it.

Now you need to learn what a submissive IS and, more importantly, what they aren't.

You are not a doormat. You are not someone's weekend fun or "girl on the side" from the marriage.
In ALL that you do, in ALL of your interractions with others, you MUST insist on honesty (both with yourself as well as your partner), communication and open-mindedness to include a lack of being judgemental.

Ok, there are your basic beliefs...
**pushes sub-starter kit across the counter next to your union card**
Next....direction!

**points to the floor**

Here's where it starts.
You're beginning a new path of self-discovery. We, here at Lit, can help guide you, offer support, be sounding boards for your thoughts, dreams, desires and passions and provide you with quality fantisies over in the library so you can look around the minds of others to see where yours matches.
What we won't do is make this trip for you. You have to get out there and discover for yourself what you want.
Gotta learn how to walk before you run. So get online and check to see if there are any local "munches" (a.k.a gatherings of like-minded people in your area) that you might want to attend.
Never jump into anything. Use your better judgement and common sense.
Your body and your submission are yours and noone else's.
Just because you have a gift to give doesn't mean you don't choose who gets it. (and who doesn't)

http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008

http://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic...bs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210479587&sr=1-1

And the one I'm on now, http://www.amazon.com/Different-Lov...bs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210479643&sr=1-1

Good sources to start with. Any questions? We'll be a post away.
Enjoy and best of luck to you.

 

[carnivorous]

Thanks so much Twysted! A door-mat I am not, that I know for sure.

 

[twysted73]

Thanks so much Twysted! A door-mat I am not, that I know for sure.

Sounds like you're already on the move.

 

[FurryFury]

No one can really tell you if you are a sub or not but you. How will you know? Only by exploring yourself and deciding for yourself.

 

[ladycrow]

Honestly, who cares what the term is? Just do what you like, what feels good, what comes naturally. Maybe you're a submissive, maybe you just want kinky sex. What's wrong with either? Where do you even draw the line between BDSM and kinky sex?

 

[ShyVixen]

You're beginning a new path of self-discovery...
Never jump into anything. Use your better judgement and common sense.
Your body and your submission are yours and noone else's.
Just because you have a gift to give doesn't mean you don't choose who gets it. (and who doesn't)

http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008

http://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic...bs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210479587&sr=1-1

And the one I'm on now, http://www.amazon.com/Different-Lov...bs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210479643&sr=1-1

Some very sound advice from twysted.

Firstly, can I just say welcome carnivorous You've come ot the right place to start that journey of self discovery.

If you are thinking about such things, they are definitely not just some silly ideas in your head - there must be some desire there for you to experience what you fantasize about.

My advice is to read some of the books twysted recommended. There are a number of on threads on here in the library that also have book recommendations. Talk to other Doms/subs - join local groups/munches.

You don't HAVE to label yourself a sub right away. Just find a niche that is right for you.

Good luck and have fun!

 

[Adakgirl]

No one can really tell you if you are a sub or not but you. How will you know? Only by exploring yourself and deciding for yourself.

Exactly right Furry, I can't agree more.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Sounds like this guy you're playing with is fairly sensible by taking a slow approach rather than tying you down and flogging you during your first encounter. All you really need in order to play with this guy on either end of the whip is trust. I would be cautious over someone who put his hands around my throat like that but as long as he didn't try to choke you without agreeing it with you first, you're probably ok.

I would recommend agreeing a safeword; this is a word unrelated to sex like 'red' that halts a play session if things get too much. That way, you can be a little reluctant and say 'no' when you really mean 'yes' without your partner getting confused over what you're actually consenting to.

You can also google for BDSM checklists that will help you to think more about what you would like to try and if you get this guy to fill one out you'll have a much better idea of how he ticks and what to try if you do reverse the power exchange and dominate him.

Don't fuss to much over how to identify yourself. There are people here on the boards who have been happily uncertain of their specific label for years. Just try whatever you want to try and leave the things that don't interest you on the kink shelf.

 

[SubKekiLee]

You have my condolenses as well as my congratulations.



Happy to.

waves magic wand....

You're submissive.

Not knowing anything about you other then how you portray yourself through your thoughts and impulses, I would say you are most definitely interested in exploring your submissive tendancies. And more power to you.
**hands you your submissive union card**
Don't lose this.

Alright, now that we have you identified, what next?
Submission is a good place to start. Whether for a Dominant, a switch or a budding submissive. Because it's just damn healthy for yourself, your perceptions as well as anyone you "play" with later for you to have that perspective from the git-go.
Without too much explination, it just IS. Take my word for it.

Now you need to learn what a submissive IS and, more importantly, what they aren't.

You are not a doormat. You are not someone's weekend fun or "girl on the side" from the marriage.
In ALL that you do, in ALL of your interractions with others, you MUST insist on honesty (both with yourself as well as your partner), communication and open-mindedness to include a lack of being judgemental.

Ok, there are your basic beliefs...
**pushes sub-starter kit across the counter next to your union card**
Next....direction!

**points to the floor**

Here's where it starts.
You're beginning a new path of self-discovery. We, here at Lit, can help guide you, offer support, be sounding boards for your thoughts, dreams, desires and passions and provide you with quality fantisies over in the library so you can look around the minds of others to see where yours matches.
What we won't do is make this trip for you. You have to get out there and discover for yourself what you want.
Gotta learn how to walk before you run. So get online and check to see if there are any local "munches" (a.k.a gatherings of like-minded people in your area) that you might want to attend.
Never jump into anything. Use your better judgement and common sense.
Your body and your submission are yours and noone else's.
Just because you have a gift to give doesn't mean you don't choose who gets it. (and who doesn't)

http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008

http://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic...bs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210479587&sr=1-1

And the one I'm on now, http://www.amazon.com/Different-Lov...bs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210479643&sr=1-1

Good sources to start with. Any questions? We'll be a post away.
Enjoy and best of luck to you.

Awesome advice Twysted! Twysted is right... YOUR gift of submission is just that.. be wary of whom you give it to you.. and Youll flourish.... IF you need anything we are all here to help you out..

 

[TeachMeSir]

.....

 

[twysted73]

I would recommend agreeing a safeword; this is a word unrelated to sex like 'red' that halts a play session if things get too much. That way, you can be a little reluctant and say 'no' when you really mean 'yes' without your partner getting confused over what you're actually consenting to.

You can also google for BDSM checklists that will help you to think more about what you would like to try and if you get this guy to fill one out you'll have a much better idea of how he ticks and what to try if you do reverse the power exchange and dominate him.

Ah thank you velvet. I knew there was something missing in there. Safewords & check lists! Two VERY important and helpful tools.

Awesome advice Twysted! Twysted is right... YOUR gift of submission is just that.. be wary of whom you give it to you.. and Youll flourish.... IF you need anything we are all here to help you out..

Thank you SKL, you're a dear.

Aw, Je t'aime, you make submissives feel so special! Especially me.

Erotic Surrender

I'm just waiting for my owner to read it because I think he will understand more of my motivations once he does. It says it all so much better than I could.

Babydoll, it is my pleasure to make you feel so.
As for the book, I didn't know you were waiting for me to do so. Sounds like a good suggestion then.
As if I'd pass up an opportunity to get further into your mind. *thrust thrust*

 

[rosco rathbone]

A new sub?

How you doin.


Just remember that there are a lot of posers and fakers in this BDSM world. A lot of HNGs who know the talk but can't walk the walk. You've got to look out for online masters, online predators, fat guys with skinny pix, low-income dominants, married masters seeking addition to poly household....Demand respect. Remember that your submission is the greatest gift you can give a master.....(can't keep a straight face)

Welcome aboard, watch your ass.

 

[carnivorous]

Sounds like this guy you're playing with is fairly sensible by taking a slow approach rather than tying you down and flogging you during your first encounter. All you really need in order to play with this guy on either end of the whip is trust. I would be cautious over someone who put his hands around my throat like that but as long as he didn't try to choke you without agreeing it with you first, you're probably ok.

No he wasn't trying to choke me at all... I didn't feel scared when he did that, it really turned me on!

Thanks for your suggestions and advice everyone.

 

[kinky_meh]

You have my condolenses as well as my congratulations.



Happy to.

waves magic wand....

You're submissive.

Not knowing anything about you other then how you portray yourself through your thoughts and impulses, I would say you are most definitely interested in exploring your submissive tendancies. And more power to you.
**hands you your submissive union card**
Don't lose this.

Alright, now that we have you identified, what next?
Submission is a good place to start. Whether for a Dominant, a switch or a budding submissive. Because it's just damn healthy for yourself, your perceptions as well as anyone you "play" with later for you to have that perspective from the git-go.
Without too much explination, it just IS. Take my word for it.

Now you need to learn what a submissive IS and, more importantly, what they aren't.

You are not a doormat. You are not someone's weekend fun or "girl on the side" from the marriage.
In ALL that you do, in ALL of your interractions with others, you MUST insist on honesty (both with yourself as well as your partner), communication and open-mindedness to include a lack of being judgemental.

Ok, there are your basic beliefs...
**pushes sub-starter kit across the counter next to your union card**
Next....direction!

**points to the floor**

Here's where it starts.
You're beginning a new path of self-discovery. We, here at Lit, can help guide you, offer support, be sounding boards for your thoughts, dreams, desires and passions and provide you with quality fantisies over in the library so you can look around the minds of others to see where yours matches.
What we won't do is make this trip for you. You have to get out there and discover for yourself what you want.
Gotta learn how to walk before you run. So get online and check to see if there are any local "munches" (a.k.a gatherings of like-minded people in your area) that you might want to attend.
Never jump into anything. Use your better judgement and common sense.
Your body and your submission are yours and noone else's.
Just because you have a gift to give doesn't mean you don't choose who gets it. (and who doesn't)

http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008

http://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic...bs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210479587&sr=1-1

And the one I'm on now, http://www.amazon.com/Different-Lov...bs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210479643&sr=1-1

Good sources to start with. Any questions? We'll be a post away.
Enjoy and best of luck to you.

I love how you explain things in a big detail (goes for all your posts!!).

You are surely a great Dom and an awesome teacher. I love that.

Stay just like that!

 

[BiBunny]

A new sub?

How you doin.


Just remember that there are a lot of posers and fakers in this BDSM world. A lot of HNGs who know the talk but can't walk the walk. You've got to look out for online masters, online predators, fat guys with skinny pix, low-income dominants, married masters seeking addition to poly household....Demand respect. Remember that your submission is the greatest gift you can give a master.....(can't keep a straight face)

Welcome aboard, watch your ass.

Quoted for truth.

 

[carnivorous]

Just remember that there are a lot of posers and fakers in this BDSM world. A lot of HNGs who know the talk but can't walk the walk. You've got to look out for online masters, online predators, fat guys with skinny pix, low-income dominants, married masters seeking addition to poly household....Demand respect. Remember that your submission is the greatest gift you can give a master.....(can't keep a straight face)

At this point I only want to explore this with my friend, but thanks. I'm pretty net-savvy and know that there are a lot of fakers out there.

 

[madetotakeit]

Many people seem to want to question if they are submissive (I don't recall ever seeing a person question if the were a Dom/Domme.) I can't say that I went through this so much as questioning the whys and is this something I want. But I did have questions. Questions that I already knew the answers to, questions that I didn't know how to ask, my mind was and still is filled with questions.

I had the fantasies. Ones that are far from uncommon on the boards, but I felt uncommon in comparison with the world. I've had them for a long time and many themes endure. I tested some of these in the vanilla world and it did not quell the fantasies, only made me curious for more. That reaction was a great indicator that this is part of who I am. I pushed my desires down in the name of love. Once that relationship was over the desires returned to keep those fantasies company.

If you feel the drive to test your wings, by all means attempt to fly. Choose your first wisely. This will have a great impact on how you view what you experience. If you feel comfortable with him, trust him, then you may have found the right one to start with. Feel that comfort level beyond just the physical. How you react may be very emotional. You'll have questions that you won't know how to bring up. As you will see many times over, communication is key. You may find yourself reacting completely out of character for yourself. It can be confusing. Here is a new aspect of yourself that you have to incorporate into your identity. How does it fit in? How strong is it? What do you do now that it is acknowledged?

If this is part of you, it can open a Pandora's box of wants and needs and emotions. It can become a craving that is overpowering at first. So many things to discover, so many things to feel, you may feel the need to discover them all at once. This will pass. Well, at least it will subside to a tolerable level. But the cravings will be there, and they will sometimes be quite strong. A pull so strong that you can taste it, running your tongue over your teeth in anticipation of exploring your thoughts. Closing your hands into fists until your palms are marked by your nails because that craving has grown until it is a physical need. You may not know what it is that will calm this feeling, but you will know where it can be found. When the cravings hit and there is no outlet it is beyond any sexual frustration you will have felt (it is for me anyway.) Sub frenzy and sub drop are two things I would look into. They both happen, no guarantees, but depending on how you react it is nice to be aware of them.

I wouldn't worry about if you are a submissive or not. If you are, you will find out soon enough. If you are masochistic, you will find that out as well. Submission and masochism don't necessarily go hand in hand, but they do fit nicely together if both are your cup of tea. Explore the things that interest you. Take your time, you have plenty of it. Always strive to learn more. It's a continual learning process. Ask questions when you have them. This is a wonderful place to find different perspectives. Never hold back from talking to your partner, once you miss an opportunity to find out the answer you may never have the chance to question again. Above all, enjoy yourself. This is your life. Find out what works for you and revel in it. I've found the best answer to "Am I submissive?" is "I am me."

 

[twysted73]

I love how you explain things in a big detail (goes for all your posts!!).

You are surely a great Dom and an awesome teacher. I love that.

Stay just like that!

bows with a flourish Why thank you my dear. Your words are much appreciated.
I have no intent to change other than to learn more as I go.

 

[snowbyte]

I'm pretty net-savvy and know that there are a lot of fakers out there.

The last girl that told me that had her complete dox delivered to her on a platter in an inbox that she thought nobody but friends and family knew about. In 24 hours. By me. A stranger.

The point is, don't think ever think you have everything covered or that anybody is completely trustworthy. There are enough motivated deviants on and off the net that you need to be (justifiably) paranoid.

Don't be afraid to explore the feelings that you're having. Do be careful.

 

[Shadow Thief]

How does one discover if they are into BDSM?

I have little to no experience myself, but I'm pretty sure it's one of those things where you just know if you are or aren't.

I've always been excited by the idea of a woman tying me up and just taking me, having her way with me, and making me her own. But I never found anyone who was interested before, other than this one girl who would, but is unfortunately hundreds of miles away.

I've been on the giving end, somewhat. My ex let me tie her up a few times, which got her really hot, and even made her willing to let me do a few things to her that she wouldn't normally let me do, and even enjoy them.
But I never found anyone interested in doing that to me. My wife thinks the whole idea of tying someone up is silly, and the closest thing I ever got to that was once or twice when she held my hands down while she was riding me. But I want to try so much more than that. Hell, we don't have sex much at all anymore, but that's a whole other rant, parts of which you can find scattered throughout the board, including in a thread called "Married but lonely."

Recently, a friend introduced me to a friend, and we hit it off just like that. It turns out while I've been looking for someone to dominate me, she's been looking for someone to dominate. We ended up kissing on our second meeting (might have done more than that if her roommates weren't home), and it was wonderful! She got a bit rough with me, pulling on my hair, clawing at my back, and pinching my nipples. It hurt, and yet felt so good at the same time. I never knew pain could be so pleasurable, even though I've fantasized about it for years.

We're planning on getting together again in a couple days, and she's going to take me into the woods to fuck me senseless. She hasn't told me what all she intends to do to me, but I am so looking forward to it. Hopefully I'll still be able to walk afterwards, but no matter what, I'm going to have a huge smile on my face.

 

[rosco rathbone]

The last girl that told me that had her complete dox delivered to her on a platter in an inbox that she thought nobody but friends and family knew about. In 24 hours. By me. A stranger.

wah-wah- wawaaah [/bugs bunny muted horn cartoon sound]

 

[carnivorous]

I have little to no experience myself, but I'm pretty sure it's one of those things where you just know if you are or aren't.

I've always been excited by the idea of a woman tying me up and just taking me, having her way with me, and making me her own. But I never found anyone who was interested before, other than this one girl who would, but is unfortunately hundreds of miles away.

I've been on the giving end, somewhat. My ex let me tie her up a few times, which got her really hot, and even made her willing to let me do a few things to her that she wouldn't normally let me do, and even enjoy them.
But I never found anyone interested in doing that to me. My wife thinks the whole idea of tying someone up is silly, and the closest thing I ever got to that was once or twice when she held my hands down while she was riding me. But I want to try so much more than that. Hell, we don't have sex much at all anymore, but that's a whole other rant, parts of which you can find scattered throughout the board, including in a thread called "Married but lonely."

Recently, a friend introduced me to a friend, and we hit it off just like that. It turns out while I've been looking for someone to dominate me, she's been looking for someone to dominate. We ended up kissing on our second meeting (might have done more than that if her roommates weren't home), and it was wonderful! She got a bit rough with me, pulling on my hair, clawing at my back, and pinching my nipples. It hurt, and yet felt so good at the same time. I never knew pain could be so pleasurable, even though I've fantasized about it for years.

We're planning on getting together again in a couple days, and she's going to take me into the woods to fuck me senseless. She hasn't told me what all she intends to do to me, but I am so looking forward to it. Hopefully I'll still be able to walk afterwards, but no matter what, I'm going to have a huge smile on my face.

Big congrats to you, Shadow Thief! Sorry to ask such questions, but do you and your wife have an open relationship? Will this be considered cheating? Are you ok with the possible effects this will have on your marriage?

It's a real shame when someone is with another person that they can't feel completely 100% themselves with, in or out if the bedroom. I hope to never find myself in that sitution again. I imagine it is a very freeing feeling to find someone you connect with sexually after not having that for so long. Maybe that is what I will get to experience with this new friend of mine. So far we seem to be a little shy around each other but I think that shyness will fade over time. He seems to worry that I'll judge him negatively for being into S&M, but that couldn't be further from the truth! I don't think I'm very judgemental when it comes to sexuality (except for when it involves non-consent).

 

[Shadow Thief]

Big congrats to you, Shadow Thief! Sorry to ask such questions, but do you and your wife have an open relationship? Will this be considered cheating? Are you ok with the possible effects this will have on your marriage?

The sex in our marriage took a nosedive a few years back. I tried to tell her I was worried we were drifting apart, but she didn't seem to care. Then I ended up cheating, and confessing to it. She told me that if I ever do anything that like that again, she doesn't want to know. I guess that's about as close to "open" as the relationship is going to get.

For awhile after that, she tried to take care of me. It was nice for awhile. We were having sex just about every day. But then it dropped off to maybe twice a week, and now maybe twice a month if I'm lucky, and I started to remember why I ended up doing what I did.

 

[twysted73]

* checks the calandar*

So little carnivore....it's been a few days.
Have you researched?
Any updates for the kind people who commented for your benefit?

takes a seat and smiles patiently