What do You All Think Of My Gay Story

[OneVike56]

Oh Well, it was what it was.

 

[Guest]

I read the whole thing. Points to you for actually writing the story instead of just thinking about writing, but, frankly, I don't think much of it.

Leaving aside the grammatical issues, mispellings, and confusion of tenses the execution of the story is absolutely unbelievable.

Regardless of whether the blowee is gay or straight, he's damned unlikely to strip naked in a public restroom (even an isolated one) and jerk off--and even less likely when he knows there's someone else in there who may or may not like what he's doing.

You're forcing the reader to assume that the blowee (who you have largely portrayed as straight) has highly developed gaydar. This simply doesn't work unless you want the audience to somehow "read between the lines" and conclude that he's a closeted bisexual or gay, or in denial.

And this paragraph has no business whatsoever in this story:

In all honesty, I did have one other guy shoot his wad straight down my throat. It happened almost four years earlier, while Sharee was in the hospital at UC Davis. He was an older guy from Sacramento, who was in town for business. I met him late one night at the Onemile Park area, and I gave him a blowjob he said was one of the best he ever had.

It does nothing for character development (we already know he cheats on his wife) and sounds like nothing so much as bragging.

You need an editor, and a proofreader.

 

[tickledkitty]

I pretty much agree with everything Gnome has said.

Furthermore, this paragraph seems silly to me if this is, in fact, a gay story, as you said it was.

"Well, I really like sucking cock, and you have a nice one. I hope I don't disappoint you. I also love swallowing cum, so when you get ready to unload, just grab my head and shove your cock into my mouth like it's cunt. Just close your eyes and think of the most beautiful woman you know. Fantasize that you are pounding her cunt, and you are ready to fill her with your juice. Grab her ass and bury your cock when it's time, and I'll swallow every drop you have to offer."

If these guys are gay, why would they fantasize about "pounding her cunt"? I would think that being naughty with a strange man in a public place would be enough of a turn on, and I highly doubt that someone in this situation would be fantasizing about women.

Also, have you tried reading your dialogue out loud? I really can't imagine someone saying this.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Gnome is pretty much right on.

I don't do gay male so...

I found this confused, rather rambling and not all that interesting. Your story is broken up with monumental, long paragraphs of discription that pretty much killed any interest you might have generated.

Sorry.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I don't do gay male so...

Why not? It's just sex with extra dangly bits.

Sorry, I think gnome has just about covered the bases. Despite my humor, sex is pretty intense. Straight guys run a mile when having gay sex gets mentioned and lesbians can't get excited about a hairy cock. Stick to a sexuality (or bisexuality) and explore it without reference to other sex metaphors.

TK, if I read you right, thought the blowee was gay and I felt you were saying something else.

There is nothing here to make us care, not even names. A brief physical encounter is not going to get readers going.

For me, there was a lack of intensity and emotion - just bodily fluids - and I don't think toilet stalls are easily made sexy.

Elle

 

[tickledkitty]

Actually, I didn't really know if they were gay or not. But that is immaterial, because you're right. I don't care either way. It's just not an interesting story.

ETA: Now that I'm thinking about this again, I believe I was referring to the title of his post: What do You All Think Of My Gay Story

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Well . . . there seems to be an awful lot of gay sex in it.

 

[tickledkitty]

Well . . . there seems to be an awful lot of gay sex in it.

Yes, BUT, the gay guys are apparently fantasizing about pussy while engaged in gay sex. That doesn't seem quite right. Oh, but, wait...We've already ascertained that I don't give a damn.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Yes, BUT, the gay guys are apparently fantasizing about pussy while engaged in gay sex. That doesn't seem quite right. Oh, but, wait...We've already ascertained that I don't give a damn.

Bisexual? Porn has taught me that all women are bi (even if they don't know it). Maybe men are too.

 

[tickledkitty]

Bisexual? Porn has taught me that all women are bi (even if they don't know it). Maybe men are too.

And do you believe it? I don't.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

And do you believe it? I don't.

About men or women? j/k



No of course not. But a guy can dream, can't he?

 

[tickledkitty]

About men or women? j/k



No of course not. But a guy can dream, can't he?

Sure. I've noticed something odd about myself. I get turned on writing a lesbian scene, but I never fantasize about women any other time. I don't generally get turned on reading other peoples' lesbian stories either.

 

[sr71plt]

So, how does the yellow VW relate?

No, sorry, it wasn't really a story, certainly not an erotic story for me, and it wasn't a convincing gay encounter for me either. No tension, no particular dilemma posed let alone resolved, no sense of emotion--which would have had to be there in the stage of gay activity the story claims for them--both of them. (And no "straight" guy with no gay experience is, without any preparation/overture/signaling from his sex act partner, going to strip in a public restroom before the "deal" is set, assuming he was going to get what he got in this story--or at all, I don't think. Gay encounters in public restrooms don't entail stripping, I don't believe [not speaking on experience; always seemed sleazy to me]--neither party cares about seeing anything but a cock).

I think I've only written one public restroom story--but that was laden with emotion and tension--with the venue used to serve that. Your story could just as easily been set in the bushes, or (probably to better effect) the dressing room in a department store. You'd do better to think about why each element of the story--setting, plot, character--is there and make them integrate and combine to add up to something that justifies the existence of the story. I don't really think the Web site needs just another one of these. (In this story, I'd probably make some attempt to make something out of the yellow VW you gave as throwaway word padding--the possibilities of what that meant would give you something to work with in terms of both tension and plot.)

Not too bad on scene description and dialogue. Some grammatical and punctuation problems--and spelling: it's underwear (not underware--which sounds like he was a Tubberware salesman); he put on his clothes, not his cloths. On the plus side, you got T-shirt right--and most writers don't.

Technically, what you see is semen, not sperm--unless you've got a microscope handy.

This should be in the same paragraph (paragraphs don't end with a comma, among other reasons):

I shook my head and looked at him as I said,

"That is the first time anyone has shot his load straight down my throat like that."

I think you could write a halfway decent story, but this one doesn't make that grade for me. It's all sort of "ho hum seen that scene done a million times" and done superficially.

 

[sr71plt]

And do you believe it? I don't.

Yes, I believe it.

 

[Emerald_Dragon]

Bisexual? Porn has taught me that all women are bi (even if they don't know it). Maybe men are too.

I would have to disagree. I have absolutely no sexual attraction to women, the thought of it is just not arousing. I think that the female form is beautiful and I like to draw nudes of both sexes (haven't for a long time) but the thought of making out with another woman leaves me cold.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

I would have to disagree. I have absolutely no sexual attraction to women, the thought of it is just not arousing. I think that the female form is beautiful and I like to draw nudes of both sexes (haven't for a long time) but the thought of making out with another woman leaves me cold.

I'm joking. No one should mistake porn or erotica for reality.

 

[tickledkitty]

Yes, I believe it.

I've been waiting for you to weigh in.

You really believe it for EVERYBODY though? I know it's the case for some. Just not buying it for everybody.

 

[tickledkitty]

I'm joking. No one should mistake porn or erotica for reality.

Why not?

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Why not?

Because it is primarily formed from the writer's fantasies. The actual expertise or knowledge possessed by the writer is questionable unless one has inside information. Case in point: every girl is bisexual, every man has a ten inch cock, STDs are nonexistent. No one is ever tired or not really in the mood for sex. Plot considerations bend usually facts to what people believe not what is actually true as it makes for a more engaging/ erotic scene.

 

[tickledkitty]

Because it is primarily formed from the writer's fantasies. The actual expertise or knowledge possessed by the writer is questionable unless one has inside information. Case in point: every girl is bisexual, every man has a ten inch cock, STDs are nonexistent. No one is ever tired or not really in the mood for sex. Plot considerations bend usually facts to what people believe not what is actually true as it makes for a more engaging/ erotic scene.

Oh? Are you sure?

 

[sr71plt]

I've been waiting for you to weigh in.

You really believe it for EVERYBODY though? I know it's the case for some. Just not buying it for everybody.

Well, not for EVERYBODY, but not for the reason you think. Some folks are just asexual--no sex drive whatever; can't be aroused by anyone/anything no how. Not being judgmental here and often the cause is medical. For the rest of us, I believe that sex is sex is sex--and that, with the right preparation, that arousal can be touched and developed and activated regardless the sex of the partner--because there's no physical barrier to be gotten off, even if by a cucumber. I understand those saying it couldn't possibly happen to them, but I don't think this is a "not possible" case for anyone. As long as there is a sex drive, I don't think the sex of the one providing the stimulous is a show stopper.

 

[sr71plt]

I might clarify my discussion of OneVike56's story. When I noted that it had no emotional element and should have had, this was based on what (little) you established concerning where the two characters were on the spectrum of sexuality.

I think that, in real life, casual gay restroom sex is a scenario where emotionalism has been separated out to the extreme. But for the emotional element to be absent to the point it is in your story, both partners must be long-practicing/intentional homosexuals turned on by casual, public, particularized, and "get it when/where you can" sex.

There's not much of a story in that, I'm afraid--unless the act is incidental to the plotline. No tension.

You can have a mix of the emotional (which does make for a base for a story), where one, the aggressor, is hard-core casual/public sex and the other character is somewhere along a continum of nonconsent/deciding now is the time to try it. In this setup, the second character can't be emotionalist (unless they are drugged) for the story to be believable.

But when you have two who are still primarily into straight sex and have little history of gay activity and get it on in a public restroom without any buildup to a "deal," and the aggressor is the straighter of the two and gets naked before there's an incling of an understanding--which is your story. Nope, that doesn't work. That's not a gay story. That's someone with no vaguely similar gay experience fantacizing beyond believability.

 

[tickledkitty]

Well, not for EVERYBODY, but not for the reason you think. Some folks are just asexual--no sex drive whatever; can't be aroused by anyone/anything no how. Not being judgmental here and often the cause is medical. For the rest of us, I believe that sex is sex is sex--and that, with the right preparation, that arousal can be touched and developed and activated regardless the sex of the partner--because there's no physical barrier to be gotten off, even if by a cucumber. I understand those saying it couldn't possibly happen to them, but I don't think this is a "not possible" case for anyone. As long as there is a sex drive, I don't think the sex of the one providing the stimulous is a show stopper.

But does that make someone bisexual? You're talking about getting off physically. I know I can do it with a cucumber or a penis or fingers, regardless of who they belong to. I don't think that makes me bi. Isn't a bisexual someone who is attracted to people of either sex? I'm sure a woman could get me off physically, but that doesn't mean I'd be attracted to her because of it. Just like I'm not attracted to that cucumber. It might serve its purpose, but that doesn't mean I'm going to have an emotional connection with it.

 

[sr71plt]

But does that make someone bisexual? You're talking about getting off physically. I know I can do it with a cucumber or a penis or fingers, regardless of who they belong to. I don't think that makes me bi. Isn't a bisexual someone who is attracted to people of either sex? I'm sure a woman could get me off physically, but that doesn't mean I'd be attracted to her because of it. Just like I'm not attracted to that cucumber. It might serve its purpose, but that doesn't mean I'm going to have an emotional connection with it.

Bisexual is only the context that most think about. I think of people as being sexual or not. In that, bisexual to me is just those who acknowledge the capability of having sex with both sexes. I think sexuality opens up if you are basically narcisisistic--and I think anyone can be cajoled into being basically narcisistic. I can understand the resistance of "it could never affect me," right up until it does, which I think is more a function of venue, opportunity, and others involved.

I had no gay experiences until I was nearly 30--and had few thoughts about it other than what I think is natural curiosity. But I had been an stage/TV/movie actor (where I'm convinced more men are interested in gay activity than are not) and a male model, so I thought I was hot and was frequently told I was (and got offers from all sides). Put Bangkok and a wide-open sexual lifestyle into that (my "Egyptian Initiative" story is pretty straightforward on this topic--and OneVike56 might read that for reference to what I'm talking about the emotionalism involved in stepping across the divide), and, after two kids, and seven years of marriage, I was open to experimenting (and so was my wife, if you're wondering about that). After that, it was simply a matter of compartmentalizing my life. And I'm still solidly married, and yes, I have a male lover. So, to me anything is possible--as long as the sex drive is present.

 

[sr71plt]

Sorry about the hijack of your thread, OneVike56, but I think you managed to get quite a bit of discussion already focused directly on your story.