Story help please

[PJ526]

I want to write my friend's story (but not tell anyone it is true) and I am wondering something. He told me that they were friends for three years. Do I speed things up in the story or how do I tell that to the readers?



I would really like to do my friend's love story justice. If this is in the wrong category, let me know and I will move it. Thanks in advance...

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I want to write my friend's story (but not tell anyone it is true) and I am wondering something. He told me that they were friends for three years. Do I speed things up in the story or how do I tell that to the readers?



I would really like to do my friend's love story justice. If this is in the wrong category, let me know and I will move it. Thanks in advance...

Well, you certainly don't want to write three years worth of backstory. If you're writing an biography then you need to worry about details like that. If you're writing a fictionalized account based on what you know, you have a lot of leeway. Quite honestly, the slightly fictionalized account is the road I'd take.

You can imply that they've been friends for a period of time, and you don't need to provide a detailed accounting for that time. Hope this helps.

 

[PJ526]

Argh!

Well, you certainly don't want to write three years worth of backstory. If you're writing an biography then you need to worry about details like that. If you're writing a fictionalized account based on what you know, you have a lot of leeway. Quite honestly, the slightly fictionalized account is the road I'd take.

You can imply that they've been friends for a period of time, and you don't need to provide a detailed accounting for that time. Hope this helps.

Thank you so much. I am lost right now with this story - I am trying to write a mostly true fictional story. Does that make sense?

 

[rachlou]

If it was me writing it, I would take the bare bones of the story - ie. what happened and the time frame in which it happened, then treat the rest as a fictional account. There is no way you can recreate every last detail, like dialogue etc. You're in danger of becoming bogged down in the detail and the creativity will be stifled. Unless your friend wants a blow by blow account of how he met his beloved, then simply treat it as a story, but with characters you are already familiar with.

As Brian already stated, to imply that they already knew each other should be sufficient back story. Anything else essential can be incorporated as you go along.

Hope that helps.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Thank you so much. I am lost right now with this story - I am trying to write a mostly true fictional story. Does that make sense?

Yes, that makes perfect sense, and is probably the best way to go about it. The truth of the story makes a good framework for you to build your story on. Don't get bogged down with the minutae where it's not really important for the story itself. You'll do just fine.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

If it was me writing it, I would take the bare bones of the story - ie. what happened and the time frame in which it happened, then treat the rest as a fictional account. There is no way you can recreate every last detail, like dialogue etc. You're in danger of becoming bogged down in the detail and the creativity will be stifled. Unless your friend wants a blow by blow account of how he met his beloved, then simply treat it as a story, but with characters you are already familiar with.

As Brian already stated, to imply that they already knew each other should be sufficient back story. Anything else essential can be incorporated as you go along.

Hope that helps.

Yeah, Rachlou is correct.

"Edgar and Willamina had been friends - just friends - for three years. The idea of fucking their brains out had never occured to either of them."

There ya go. Three years of back story in two sentences.

 

[PJ526]

Here is what I have so far...

“Bonnie, I love you with every part of my being. Will you do me the honor of not marrying me?”

***

“She’s here,” Jeff thought excitedly as his wheelchair wove its way amidst the tables. He placed his cowboy hat on his lap to show respect. With shaking fingers, he finger combed his hair. He saw her sneak a glance at him as she took her place at the dingy counter.

“Hi Jeff, what can I get you today?” Bonnie poised her pen over the pad to take his order. Her smile insinuated that she was glad to see him.

From behind his menu, Jeff started joking, “For the life of me, I can’t find you anywhere on the menu. Let me talk to management.”

She giggled. “Seriously, what will you have?”

“Juts give me the special,” Jeff paused, “and your phone number.”

Bonnie wrote her phone number on the napkin and handed it to him. He tucked the number in his pocket. “I will call; what time do you leave here?”

“My shift ends at three,” Bonnie said, offering the most brilliant smile within her sapphire blue eyes.

His heart thumped faster when she smiled.

***
Over the next three years, they were inseparable in the way only best friends were.

Jeff considered himself a “gimp”; he lost the ability to use three of his limbs in a motorcycle accident. Trying to take an “S” at sixty when the limit was twenty, the bike flew out from beneath him. Handlebars bars, finishing a roll, struck his back breaking his spine.

*SOMETHING HERE*

Lightening struck one day. Jeff realized, “I am going to lose her if I don’t make my move. I have never let losing the ability to get in the way of anything I have wanted before. I refuse to let it now.”

Am I on the right track? Should I be doing this differently? HELLLLP!!!

 

[where]

they are just friends? That reads like he wants into her pants. I'm curious about this one. Let us know when you post it

 

[PJ526]

they are just friends? That reads like he wants into her pants. I'm curious about this one. Let us know when you post it

He does, I am getting to that point...LOL That is why I am looking for help!

 

[where]

so...

for as long as he could remember Jeff had wanted to get close and personal with Bonnie, but she only ever saw him as a friend, (maybe because of him being disabled?). He saw boyfriends come and go, but he knew she was wanting to settle down for a steady relationship and if it wasn't with him, then he could lose her forever.

 

[PJ526]

so...

for as long as he could remember Jeff had wanted to get close and personal with Bonnie, but she only ever saw him as a friend, (maybe because of him being disabled?). He saw boyfriends come and go, but he knew she was wanting to settle down for a steady relationship and if it wasn't with him, then he could lose her forever.

Is it okay if I use part of that in the story?

 

[where]

Is it okay if I use part of that in the story?

feel free

 

[PJ526]

The story...

Here is the story - please do not hold back on constructive criticism. I can take it. I want to do my friend proud.

The Gimp and His Lady​

“Bonnie, I love you with every part of my being. Will you do me the honor of not marrying me?”

***

“She’s here,” Jeff thought excitedly as his wheelchair wove its way amidst the tables. Being raised a gentleman; he placed his cowboy hat on his lap to show respect. With shaking fingers, he combed his hair. He saw her sneak a glance at him as she took her place at the dingy counter.

“I love the way she looks in the mini-dress uniform with a pencil stuck behind her ear,” he told himself, with covetous brown eyes.

“Hi Jeff, what can I get you today?” Bonnie poised her pen over the pad to take his order. Her smile insinuated that she was glad to see him.

From behind his menu, Jeff started joking, “For the life of me, I can’t find you anywhere on the menu. Let me talk to management.”

She giggled. “Seriously, what will you have?”

“Just give me the special,” Jeff paused, “and your phone number.”

Bonnie wrote her phone number on the napkin and handed it to him. He tucked the number in his pocket. “I will call; what time do you leave here?”

“My shift ends at three,” Bonnie said, offering the most brilliant smile within her sapphire blue eyes.

His heart thumped faster when she smiled.

***
Over the next three years, they were inseparable in the way best friends were.

Jeff considered himself a “gimp”; he lost the ability to use three of his limbs in a motorcycle accident. Trying to take an “S” at sixty when the limit was twenty, the bike flew out from beneath him. Handlebars bars, finishing a roll, struck his back - crushing his spine.

For as long as he could remember Jeff had wanted to get close and personal with Bonnie, but she only ever saw him as a friend. He saw boyfriends come and go, but he knew she wanted to settle down in a steady relationship and, if it wasn't with him, he could lose her forever.

Lightening struck one day. Jeff realized, “I am going to lose her if I don’t make my move. I have never let losing the ability to use my legs get in the way of anything I have wanted before. I refuse to let it now.”

In a blue two-toned Ford Custom Conversion van, he went to her house. After she climbed in the bucket seat, he turned to her, looked her in the eyes, and held her hand. “Bonnie, I have cared for you for three years. I dream of you at night. Thinking of you makes me smile. Your scent teases my thoughts. Can we…maybe…do you think…would you like to see a movie with me? Maybe? As a girlfriend?”

“Oh Jeff,” Bonnie sighed. “My heart is thumping so loud. Can you hear it? Imagining you never would like me like this, when I have cared for so long, has made me treasure every moment with you.” They shared a simple kiss.

“Let’s go on a real date,” Jeff suggested with excitement in his eyes. “I have always wanted to snuggle with you in the movies. How about the new flick, Austin Powers?”

“I have heard the Mike Meyers made the movie,” she agreed.

After Jeff purchased two tickets, cokes, and popcorn they entered the movie theater he rolled his wheelchair to the handicap row in the back. When he reached for popcorn, his hand would brush hers. Eventually, he caught her hand in his; by the time the credits scrolled the screen, they were making out like two hormonal teenagers.

***
Throughout the next month, Jeff and Bonnie sought time alone. However, family always interfered. Finally the night came that they were alone. He took her out to eat and she asked all the questions that a woman asked of a “gimp”.

“How does it work? Does it stay erect? Can you tell me how this is supposed to happen?”

Patiently answering, Jeff replies, “Just like any other it. I never know how long it will stay erect, but they invented toys for a reason. While I can’t sweep you off your feet and carry you to bed, this is going to be great, trust me.”

After their meal, they returned to Bonnie’s house. They started talking. After looking at the clock and realizing it was too late for Jeff to drive home, Bonnie suggested that he spend the night. Since Bonnie kept a cluttered bedroom, they unfolded the sofa bed and made it up. While they continued their discussion, Jeff undressed and hoisted himself onto the bed. Bonnie lay beside him.

Gently Jeff reached over to kiss his love. Bonnie kissed him back. They made slow sweet love that night.

***
A year later, Jeff asked Bonnie to move in with him. He spent most nights with her and realized that paying the upkeep on two households was unnecessary. She moved in and he lived in pure bliss. Sure, they had their disagreements, but they always worked through the problem.

Waking up one morning with a smile on his face, Jeff looked over and saw Bonnie sleeping like an angel. “I would do anything to spend the rest of my life with her,” Jeff thought. Knowing what his heart was telling him to do, Jeff left her sleeping while he went out to buy a ring.

Getting home two hours later, Bonnie had left for her shift at the diner. Rolling his chair up to the kitchen table, Jeff thought about his plans. And thought. And thought.

Bonnie walked through the door at five that evening. “Hon, I need to talk to you,” Jeff hollered out.

She took a seat at the table with questioning blue eyes.

“Bonnie, I love you with every part of my being. Will you do me the honor of not marrying me?”

Seeing her look at him with “what the fuck” eyes, Jeff explained. I have sat here and thought about this. I intended to ask you to marry me. As I went over everything in my mind, I realized that we have both been married before. Neither of our marriages worked out. You and I have a great thing, and I want to spend forever with you. I don’t want to mess with perfection, so I decided to ask you not to marry me.”

Tears glistened in her eyes. “Yes, Jeff, I will not marry you.”

He pulled the ring out of his pocket. “I love you Bonnie,” Jeff stated as he placed the ring on her finger.

 

[Geeky_lover]

literotica... lit + erotica (this is the audience to keep in mind)

Here is the story - please do not hold back on constructive criticism. I can take it. I want to do my friend proud.

The title of mine aside, that's a good outline of a story. It is an outline and I wouldn't change the outline. You should, however, add at least one sex scene. Actually give details of touch during the cuddling at the movie. Was the movie at a drive in or a theater that could actually take a wheelchair. You can put in details with few words.

I'm partial to romance. If you'd like to do a bit of "turnabout is fair play" then comment on mine.

 

[where]

It needs proof reading. That's the first thing. Personally I hate the title. I know some disabled people use the word 'gimp' but I really think it's vile. It makes Jeff's impairment more central than the romance. But that's just my opinion

You don't need to go into the whole sex thing (sorry geeky lover) necessarily, but I agree with Geeky that more description of how it feels to be touched, smells etc are important.

Be assured though, you are very unlikely to get any good ratings. My story of a disabled man bombed, and I don't think it's just because of the obvious flaws in the story.

Keep working on it

 

[tickledkitty]

Ok, first of all, you're giving away your ending at the beginning. I'd take that first sentence out.

I'm not crazy about the title or the term "gimp" either. It's kind of offensive. I realize that person may refer to himself that way, but it still seems insensitive.

I agree with the advice you recieved further back in this thread about not including a lot of back story, but I think you might've taken that to the extreme. It all seems a little too easy to me. What were they thinking? How did they feel? Were there doubts? If you're going to post on Lit, I think you probably need some sex, as well.

I'd like to see Jeff as a whole, real person instead of a "gimp" in a wheelchair. I'd like to see what Bonnie sees in him. What is it about him that attracted her? What made her fall in love? What was it about her that was so special? You never do say why he was attracted to her, other than she looks pretty in her uniform.

Also, your dialogue seems a bit stilted. Try saying it out loud.

I do like the idea though. As Red said, keep working on it.

 

[cloudy]

You should, however, add at least one sex scene.

Not true...not unless she wants to. There is an "non-erotic" category here.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Yep. Take the first line out entirely. There's an error in it anyway.

The story begins with Jeff thinking about Bonnie. Good start. You should insert more of that throughout the story. Let the reader know not just what he's saying, but thinking and feeling too.

It's coming along and lots better than the first version, PJ

 

[elfin_odalisque]

PJ, There's lots of good advice here and the only confict I see is whether you have a sex scene.

Just me, but if you take a difficult take on an erotic story with your wheelchair-bound hero, I just think you have to go the whole nine yards to show she really fancies him. You go through the 'does it work' bit but you fall shy of a bedroom scene. It doesn't need to be graphic - better if it's not - just two guys falling in love with each other who find, beyond the accepted norms, an urgency and deep emotion that transcends physical difficulties.

Go for the inner thoughts.

Elle

 

[where]

PJ, There's lots of good advice here and the only confict I see is whether you have a sex scene.

Just me, but if you take a difficult take on an erotic story with your wheelchair-bound hero, I just think you have to go the whole nine yards to show she really fancies him. You go through the 'does it work' bit but you fall shy of a bedroom scene. It doesn't need to be graphic - better if it's not - just two guys falling in love with each other who find, beyond the accepted norms, an urgency and deep emotion that transcends physical difficulties.

Go for the inner thoughts.

Elle

maybe... ask your friends to read my sex scene... it is different for every person but I have been told by a few disabled people it was sensitive and sexy so you could do something similar maybe?

 

[PJ526]

Tear it up...

Here is a revised version...I am ready for ya'll to tear it up. Honesty is always the best policy! I need help thinking of a PC title...and I need to put an argument in there that they had... so it is not done...it is a work in progress

Title​

"Bonnie, I love you with every part of my being. Will you do me the honor of not marrying me?"
***
"She's here," Jeff thought excitedly as his electric wheelchair wove its way amidst the dingy, cluttered tables. Being raised a Southern gentleman; he placed his black velvet cowboy hat on his lap as a show of respect. With trembling fingers, he brushed his chocolate brown hair to the side. He thought he saw her sneak at him, a furtive glance out of the corner of her eyes, as she took her place behind the front counter.
"I love the way she looks in the peach mini-dress uniform with a number two pencil stuck behind her left ear," he told himself, with covetous brown eyes.
"Hi Jeff, what can I get you today?" Bonnie poised her pencil over the order pad. Her wide, toothy smile insinuated that she was glad to see him.
Peering out from behind his menu, Jeff made a lame joke. "For the life of me, I can't find you anywhere on the menu. Where’s management?"
She giggled flirtatiously. "Seriously, what will you have?"
"Just give me the Salisbury Steak covered in brown gravy, a side of the creamy mash potatoes, and a dinner roll. That’s it." Jeff paused. "On second thought, add your phone number."
I thought you would never ask," Bonnie declared. "Not that I expect you will call, but…" She wrote her phone number on the cheap napkin and handed it to him. He folded the napkin in quarters and tucked the number in his right breast pocket.
"I will call; what time do you leave here?"
"My shift ends at three," Bonnie said, offering a brilliant smile with a wink of one of her sapphire deep blue eyes.
His heart thumped like a jackhammer when she looked at him like that.
***
Over the next three years, they were inseparable. Having grown into each other's best friend they spent most of their free time together. They enjoyed the same things: slap-stick comedies, country crooning, and the same reality-television shows.

Jeff considered himself a "gimp"; he completely lost the ability to use three of his limbs in a motorcycle accident five years before. Trying to take an S-shaped curve at sixty when the limit was twenty, the bike flew out from beneath him. The shiny gold Yamaha street bike flipped seven times. The bike, finishing the last roll, struck him on the back - crushing his spine with the silver chrome handlebars.
Since the day he first wheeled into the diner and saw the new waitress, Jeff had wanted to get close and personal with Bonnie, but he believed that she saw him first as a customer and second as a friend. He noticed fly-by-night boyfriends come and go, but he knew she wanted to settle down in a steady, committed relationship.
Lightening struck one day. Jeff realized, "I am going to lose her if I don't make my move. I need let her know how deep my feelings run. I am not a quitter. I have never let losing the use of my legs hinder me. My disability will not be the reason I don't tell Bonnie how much I care."
He wheeled himself out to his two-toned blue Ford Custom Conversion van that had been custom modified with hand controls especially for him. The once mysterious controls were now second nature, and in short minutes he'd moved his wheelchair into the space where the driver's seat normally would be found and was on his way to Bonnie's two bedroom home.
The closer he got the more nervous he got. By the time he got there his heart was beating like he'd just run there on his now non-functioning legs instead of in his perfectly functioning van. Bonnie waved from the kitchen window as he pulled into the driveway, signaling she'd be out momentarily.
"Heya, Jeff" Bonnie greeted him as she slid into the passenger seat, leaning clear across the center console to give him the usual peck on the cheek. "What's happenin'? You sounded so serious on the phone."
The lump in his throat almost strangled him, but he managed to start what he'd rehearsed in his head a million times. "Bonnie, I've cared for you….."
"Oh Jeff," Bonnie sighed. "My heart thumps so wildly the neighbors can surely hear it. Can you hear it? I have dreamed, but never allowed myself to imagine that you could feel this too. I have tried to hide my feelings for three years. I treasure every moment that I spend with you." They shared what started out as a simple kiss. Soon the kiss had escalated into a pouring of emotion. Jeff reached out with his arm and cradled the back of her head. His fingers were tangled in her long tresses.
"Let's go on a real date…a date where I treat you." Jeff suggested eagerly with excitement shimmering in his eyes. He was acting like a toddler who just received his favorite piece of candy. "I have always wanted to snuggle with you at the Tri-Plex. What about the new blockbuster, "Austin Powers?"
"I hear that Mike Meyers makes the movie," she agreed. "He plays two characters and people roll laughing when they see it."
After Jeff purchased two adult tickets, two medium cokes, and large popcorn, extra butter, they entered the movie theater. He rolled his wheelchair into a space reserved for the handicapped in the back row. When his left hand reached in popcorn bucket, his hand accidentally brushed her right that was reaching at the same time. Soon he gave up all pretenses. Catching her soft, gentle hand within his, he leaned over to brush a quick kiss across the back. She felt tingles up and down her spine. Bending over, she put her hands on either side of his face and brought him close for an electrifying kiss. By the time the closing credits scrolled up the screen, they were making out like two hormonal under-aged teens on a first date.
***
Throughout the next month, Jeff and Bonnie sought time alone. However family, hers or his, always found ways to monopolize any time Jeff and Bonnie spent together. The families asked for help fixing up their modest homes; they wanted to play hour long board games; and they invited them over for a family barbeques. Spending quality time with just each other was next to impossible. One night, no one called to intervene and they were alone. Taking the phone off the hook, turning off the answering machine, and closing the khaki pleated curtains, they made plans for the night: dinner and cuddling. Jeff took her out to eat succulent meal at their favorite steakhouse. She asked the questions that a woman normally asked of a man who was a triplegic during the meal.
"How does it work? Can you feel it move? Does it stay erect? Can you tell me how this is supposed to happen?"
Patiently answering her eager questions, Jeff replied. "Bonnie, I am just like any other man if you think about it. When I get aroused, like I am now, it works just like any other man’s. I do get erect, but I just don’t know how long I will stay that way. You are a beautiful woman; I want to romance you like a lady deserves to be romanced. I can’t carry you to bed in my arms, but I can put you on my lap and carry you to the bedroom. I can sweep you off your feet that way. My ability to love as a man should was not taken away. My heart was not maimed.”
After their meal, they returned to Bonnie's. As they talked, they cuddled on the pink floral fold away couch. From time to time, Jeff would steal a kiss from his love. Looking at the clock they realized it was too late, and dark, for Jeff to drive home. Bonnie suggested that he spend the night. Since Bonnie slept in a bedroom cluttered with pillows and furniture, they unfolded the sofa bed and made it up with crisp, freshly washed linen. As their discussion unfolded, Jeff undressed and hoisted himself onto the bed. Prudently, Bonnie shied her eyes away from his naked body. Bonnie lay beside him after changing into her sleep shirt.
Gently Jeff reached over to kiss her eyelids. Bonnie turned her lips up to him. Moving his lips over hers, he placed his hand on her breasts. She shyly placed her hand on his erection. Working together, they managed to take off her bedclothes. Reveling in the sight of one another, they made slow sweet love.
“I love you, Bonnie.”
“I love you too, Jeff.”
They murmured all through the night until the morning hours.
***
A year passed and Jeff, spending most nights with her at his house, asked Bonnie to share his house. She moved everything. When they had two of anything, like couches, they choose the better one, so they could sell the other. They shared an ideal love and an ideal life. They had their disagreements, but together, they worked through them. Every disagreement ended the same.
**ARGUMENT**
Waking up one morning with a smile on his face, Jeff looked over and saw himself looking at an angel.
"I would do anything to spend the rest of my life with her," Jeff thought. Knowing what his heart was telling him to do, Jeff left her sleeping while he went out to buy a ring. He chose a gold band with a modest diamond marquee solitaire.
Getting home later, he realized that Bonnie had already left for her shift at the diner. Zipping his chair up to the kitchen table, Jeff had second thoughts about his plans. He faced reality.
“I have been married twice before,” he thought out loud. “I promised those women forever, but neither marriage managed to make it. Something about asking them to marry me changed things. My life with Bonnie is ideal; I don’t want anything to change.”
When Bonnie arrived home after work, Jeff still sat at the table talking to himself. As Bonnie walked through the door, he could see the weariness on her face. He almost felt guilty about his decision.
"Sweety, I need to talk to you," Jeff quietly said.
She took a seat next to him at the table and looked at him with questioning blue eyes.
"Bonnie, I love you with every part of my being. Will you do me the honor of not marrying me?"
She looked at him with shocked "what the fuck" eyes.
Jeff explained. “I have sat here and thought about this. Intending to ask you to marry me, I went out and bought a ring. I went over everything in my mind, and I realized we have both been married before; none of our marriages lasted as they were intended to. You and I have a great thing, a wonderful thing, and I do want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to grow old with you. What we have together is ideal. I don't want to mess with perfection, so after much thought, I decided to ask you not to marry me."
Hearing his reasoning, she agreed with his logic. Nodding her head, tears glistening in her eyes, she whispered, "Yes, Jeff, I will not marry you."

He pulled the diamond solitaire out of his chest pocket. "I love you Bonnie," Jeff asserted as he placed the symbol of his affection on her finger.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Here is a revised version...I am ready for ya'll to tear it up. Honesty is always the best policy! I need help thinking of a PC title...and I need to put an argument in there that they had... so it is not done...it is a work in progress

PJ, you still have the error in the first line. Read it out loud and you will see there is one too many words. You would still do better without the entire line.

 

[where]

PJ, you still have the error in the first line. Read it out loud and you will see there is one too many words. You would still do better without the entire line.

I know I'm a bit worse for wear today but what is the error?

 

[tickledkitty]

PJ, you still have the error in the first line. Read it out loud and you will see there is one too many words. You would still do better without the entire line.

Jenny, I don't think that's an error. She's being clever.

I still think that first line needs to go though. PJ, you're giving away the whole story with that line at the beginning. Why should anyone read it if they know what's going to happen? Don't give away too much too soon.

 

[sr71plt]

Just an observation. In view of PJ526's signoff line, why would anyone be enticed to respond?