Feedback on my first story?

[All_atremble]

You don't have to be too gentle. I sometimes like it rough.

Oh, this is about my story! I mainly want to know if the words flow well, if there's too much nonsex stuff and not enough sex, etc.

I know it's short and I know it's in the dreaded first person present tense. Deal with it.

The Guest Bed

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Very short and you misspelled "coal" x_x Using first person and speaking to the reader will get back clicks a lot of the time.

Otherwise I can't see anything bad about it. It seems loving and a bit poetic. Unfortunately as a guy I really felt nothing while reading it. Some people will want to know more about your character but I liked the ambiguity.

 

[tickledkitty]

I agree that this is not especially bad and does seem a bit poetic. You have some lovely descriptions and did a fine job of setting the scene with not only sights but smells and sounds and tactile feeling.

The problem is that it's just not very engaging. There is no tension, no conflict resolution, no character development, really. This person is not changed in anyway from the experience. It's really not a story, but a scene--a snippet from a larger story.

Fractal King said as a guy he didn't feel anything while reading it. Well, I'm a woman, and I didn't really feel anything either. I think it's because we know nothing about the characters, especially the absent one, whom we are supposed to be imagining doing all these things. There was no build up to this moment. There was nothing to make me empathize with these people.

I think in the beginning, with the approaching storm, it seemed that you were setting the stage for so much more to happen. I think a lot more could have happened with the storm, perhaps the other person returning home unexpectedly, even describing just the idea of being caught as an added turn on.

To answer your questions specifically (finally! ), the flow is fine, and, no, there is not too much nonsex stuff.

Hope this is helpful.

 

[Guest]

Actually, using "kohl-black" in this context is fine.

I liked the story--you write well. I didn't find it particularly arousing but then I'm likely not your target audience, so don't read too much into that.

As to the dreaded "first person present tense," it's mostly dreaded because it's hard to pull off well enough to keep the reader engaged. You manage to do that, in part because this is a vignette, rather than a complete story. It works as a vignette but I suspect that it will leave many readers dissatisfied, for reasons already noted.

 

[PJ526]

Questions unanswered



Why is the person "resigned" to the couch down cellar? Is she a servant?
The quilt was against the lover, but "there was nothing" between you?
She went back upstairs, what about the tornado that might have been looming?
Where did the lover go?
I understand the first person, but I do want to know more about the person telling the story. I was left wondering when I read the story...

Remember, advice is like assholes, everyone has one and they pretty much stink...take it or leave it.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Actually, using "kohl-black" in this context is fine.

Cool. I thought it was just a store.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Look, this story is 928 words not counting the title, with, I think, 11 paragraphs. In that short span, you used "I" 28 times, started 6 paragraphs with "I" and 7 lines begin with "I". Not a good start. "Neither" or whatever that word is supposed to be is misspelled.

Where is the tension? Where's the plot? Where's the dialogue?

This is a bunch of discription and not much else. That's what happens when you use first person. Try it again in third person. You'll do a lot better.

 

[litchipking]

Such promise...

You have written an enticing little tease of a story. I agree that your words have a poetic voice and I enjoyed reading them immensely.

I also think you handled the first person narrative very well. That is high praise from me because I feel that most writers fail miserably with their attempts. I hope to one day be so brave as to give this a try and I hope my effort is as seamless as yours.

I do think that Gnome struck the right chord when he called your story a “vignette”. It does, at least in my mind, fall short of being a full story unto itself. It would make an intriguing first chapter.

I feel this way not because of the brevity of the story but because of the things in which your narrative is deficient. TK mentioned the lack of tension and character development. I agree with this assessment although I stop short at saying that I didn’t feel anything when reading your words.

What I did feel was anticipation. I think you have written a wonderful beginning to a potentially beautiful romance. Perhaps you will consider building on this first chapter and adding some depth to your characters.

Welcome to lit. Please continue to write. Your writing shows much promise.

 

[foolishlittleone]

I see this as a piece of a larger story that would provide the information about the main character and other contexual bits to hook the reader. You obviously have a talent for description, I'm envious of that.

 

[freshface]

Look, this story is 928 words not counting the title, with, I think, 11 paragraphs. In that short span, you used "I" 28 times, started 6 paragraphs with "I" and 7 lines begin with "I". Not a good start. "Neither" or whatever that word is supposed to be is misspelled.

Where is the tension? Where's the plot? Where's the dialogue?

This is a bunch of discription and not much else. That's what happens when you use first person. Try it again in third person. You'll do a lot better.

I agree that it's missing both plot and tension. Dialogue would be hard regardless of POV since there is only one character in this piece. I don't think the problem was with using first person. The descriptions were well done; we just didn't know enough about the characters to care.

As others have mentioned, this would have worked better as a part of a longer piece.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I agree that it's missing both plot and tension. Dialogue would be hard regardless of POV since there is only one character in this piece. I don't think the problem was with using first person. The descriptions were well done; we just didn't know enough about the characters to care.
QUOTE]

Nope. Not hard at all. Every hear of thoughts?

"I'm going to jack off until I die," he thought to himself? Dialogue, even in thoughts, allow the reader to "know" the character and empathize.

And that's the problem. The entire story is discription. Zero personality. Zero empathy. In the end I just didn't care.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Well, I disagree with Jenny, something that doesn't happen often.

I'm male, and I liked it. As some of the other commenters suggested, it's more of a snippet from a larger untold tale.

I found it very descriptive, and again as others have stated, almost poetic.

No, there wasn't any tension in it, but for something this length, that didn't really matter to me.

Overall, I found it to be a short and enjoyable read. I hope we see more from you in the future.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Nope. Not hard at all. Every hear of thoughts?

"I'm going to jack off until I die," he thought to himself? Dialogue, even in thoughts, allow the reader to "know" the character and empathize.

And that's the problem. The entire story is discription. Zero personality. Zero empathy. In the end I just didn't care.

I have to disagree. Quoting thoughts always seems lazy and jarring to me. The suggestions of the character's thoughts (and even explicit statements to what they are) can be found in descriptive text.

By way of example:
I consider the possibility of a storm and convince myself that the odds are good, that maybe I should just go ahead anyway.
To me this works much better than
"Yeah, the odds are good," I thought to myself. ""I should just go ahead anyway."

Both express the same thought but only the first really seems to talk about it.


Just an opinion of course.

 

[All_atremble]

I appreciate the feedback, guys. I agree that it was too short. I think because it was my first story, I went short because I was nervous. I also think I may be more of a chapter-story type person than a short-story type. I also agree with whomever mentioned "I" being used far too many times to start paragraphs. That's the curse of first person.

Thank you very much for the compliments on imagery and description. Those are usually what make or break a story for me and I'm glad I was able to convey sights, sounds and other senses.

 

[emma_lou]

I loved it. Keep writing

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Nice little descriptive piece.

I don't think it's a story in the conventional sense, but works as a piece of prose.

 

[foolishlittleone]

I appreciate the feedback, guys. I agree that it was too short. I think because it was my first story, I went short because I was nervous. I also think I may be more of a chapter-story type person than a short-story type. I also agree with whomever mentioned "I" being used far too many times to start paragraphs. That's the curse of first person.

Thank you very much for the compliments on imagery and description. Those are usually what make or break a story for me and I'm glad I was able to convey sights, sounds and other senses.

Write, write, write! You've clearly got the chops, use them. And it's really bold to ask for and consume explicit feedback, sign of a potentially great author. Go for it. We need good erotica writers.

 

[ellynei]

Your control of words is admirable.

The story itself did nothing erotic for me, but I am not your target audience for this story (I never normally read masturbation category), I wouldn't be able to make hot or not comments on the erotic aspects of this story. The text contained promises of a side story, but I didn't feel I got the end of the side story before the text ended when the erotic story did, so for pure story value it didn't do it for me either, not on it's lonesome.

The sentence structure was beautiful, I would call it fluid, enjoyable and vivid. Yes, I do envy your skill in that regard.

Keep writing please, dont let your talent go to waste.

 

[moonfae]

Overall I liked it. As a writer that favors first person myself, I know how hard it can be to word things just right and to really let the person know what you are thinking and feeling and seeing.

Some of what I didn't care for has often been said already, it was a nice little snippet, but I want more. I want to know why she can't be with whoever sleeps in the basement. I want to know why the urgency, how long has she been waiting just to be near this other person? Just some thoughts.

Good job, and I look forward to reading more.

Moonfae

 

[August_Bouvier]

I fived it

Your vivid, sensory descriptions grabbed me. Your writing has an elegance that's poetic without being treacly.

I read the comments first so I knew what to expect: a brief moment in time.

I don't think every story has to be rife with tension or make you tingle to be enjoyable or successful. Sure that other stuff is going to do well on this site, but tastes vary. Sometimes a restrained, secret whisper fits the bill just fine.

This story can stand alone as a snapshot or be part of something bigger.

I'm looking forward to reading more as you expand your work. Keep at it!