Serious question for subs.

[Tebazile]

I know that all of you won't be able to help me with this, but statistically speaking, I know that some of you can.

If you were abused in the past, how do you separate yourself from those memories and what's happening in the present?

Sometimes, I can tell if I'm not in the right mindset to play. And Master is so patient with me during those times. But other times, I can feel totally fine and be way off into it, and then freak the fuck out. The other day, I could barely breathe I was freaking out so badly. It makes me feel like a failure.

Can anyone relate? Please tell me I'm not alone in this.

 

[stickwork]

Serious question for subs.

I'm a steak & cheese. What's the question?

 

[Tebazile]

I'm a steak & cheese. What's the question?

Ha.

 

[stickwork]

Ha.

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

 

[graceanne]

stick - their's a smart alec thread for when you can't resisit comments like that.
I use it all the time.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=239263&page=79

c0m - my abuse was just physical, and was a long time ago. In truth I don't remember any of it, although my sister does. (I have a 'gift' of forgetting anything traumatic.) I don't have problems with panic attacks and flashbacks, my leftover abuse problems don't lean that way, but I'm sure that their is someone here who's do or did. Just be patient. In the meantime I'd check the BDSM Library - their might be something to help you in there.

 

[CyberChas]

Tough Stuff

I'm lucky that I do not have a history of abuse, but have known a number of players who have.

First thing to understand is that what you are experiencing is a form of post-traumatic stress disorder being restimulated from the scene play, and IT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOUR ARE NOT A FAILURE IN ANY WAY. (sorry to scream, but I would punctuate it with a hard slap (not) if I could!)

D/s play can be red-hot burning emotional stuff and if there is underlying history of abuse, pain, or even (and I'm not comparing it to your situation) bad play experiences, it can be very difficult emotional stuff.

You are lucky to have found a patient partner who can help you heal by giving you positive experiences and not pushing when you have flashbacks to negative ones. The subs I have talked to have said that the patience, coupled with positive messaging (one has a snap-band she wears to remind herself that she is with the one she loves and trusts, and not the one from the past) will help. The more times you can have the experiences and have them positively, they will slowly drown out the pain as well as reprogram the mind.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

And let me repeat, in case you missed it.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE IN ANY WAY FOR HAVING THESE RESPONSES.

Take care. The past really IS the past and your present sounds much better and your future will undoubtably be even better still.

 

[stickwork]

stick - their's a smart alec thread for when you can't resisit comments like that.
I use it all the time.

So I should have posted the "I couldn't resist" part there too.

Thanks. I'll get on top of it.

 

[graceanne]

So I should have posted the "I couldn't resist" part there too.

Thanks. I'll get on top of it.

Believe me, I understand the 'can't resist thing', all sorts of smart alec responses come up to the titles of threads, so THANK GOD for that thread.

 

[WickedEve]

I know that all of you won't be able to help me with this, but statistically speaking, I know that some of you can.

If you were abused in the past, how do you separate yourself from those memories and what's happening in the present?

Sometimes, I can tell if I'm not in the right mindset to play. And Master is so patient with me during those times. But other times, I can feel totally fine and be way off into it, and then freak the fuck out. The other day, I could barely breathe I was freaking out so badly. It makes me feel like a failure.

Can anyone relate? Please tell me I'm not alone in this.

I had an abusive marriage, which is just a memory now. But I did have some issues at one time. I even started a thread, years ago. I think it was about abuse and bdsm and if I was getting the two confused. Anyway, I think time really heals the way you're feeling. It did for me.

 

[Tebazile]

c0m - my abuse was just physical, and was a long time ago. In truth I don't remember any of it, although my sister does. (I have a 'gift' of forgetting anything traumatic.) I don't have problems with panic attacks and flashbacks, my leftover abuse problems don't lean that way, but I'm sure that their is someone here who's do or did. Just be patient. In the meantime I'd check the BDSM Library - their might be something to help you in there.

I forget the especially traumatic, too. And then I'll remember bits and pieces of it at a really bad time to do so. It's way fun.

Thanks for the link. I'll most definitely check it out.

I'm lucky that I do not have a history of abuse, but have known a number of players who have.

First thing to understand is that what you are experiencing is a form of post-traumatic stress disorder being restimulated from the scene play, and IT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOUR ARE NOT A FAILURE IN ANY WAY. (sorry to scream, but I would punctuate it with a hard slap (not) if I could!)

D/s play can be red-hot burning emotional stuff and if there is underlying history of abuse, pain, or even (and I'm not comparing it to your situation) bad play experiences, it can be very difficult emotional stuff.

You are lucky to have found a patient partner who can help you heal by giving you positive experiences and not pushing when you have flashbacks to negative ones. The subs I have talked to have said that the patience, coupled with positive messaging (one has a snap-band she wears to remind herself that she is with the one she loves and trusts, and not the one from the past) will help. The more times you can have the experiences and have them positively, they will slowly drown out the pain as well as reprogram the mind.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

And let me repeat, in case you missed it.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE IN ANY WAY FOR HAVING THESE RESPONSES.

Take care. The past really IS the past and your present sounds much better and your future will undoubtably be even better still.

I know I have PTSD. I've actually been diagnosed with it. So I understand what's happening a bit, and why I react the way I do. It doesn't make me feel any less guilty, though. Master and I have such a good, trusting relationship, but I can't help but think that deep down He takes it personally, though. If He does, He's good at hiding it.

The rubber band idea is a good one. I used to wear one all of the time, but as I've grown older, I'm a bit less panicky, so I stopped wearing it. I should probably start wearing one, again.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I have had no experience of abuse myself but I just wanted to ask, are you in any kind of therapy? Good Masters are wonderful, intuitive, caring people but they are not professional therapists. If you're still experiencing flashbacks like this and they are affecting your ability to enjoy serving your Master then I would say that you still need to work things out. There are plenty of therapists who specialise in PTSD.

 

[Caitlynne]

I have two remaining triggers, one from childhood abuse, the other from adult abuse. They are fairly specific and can be avoided. One easier than the other.

What they are isn't important to this topic, but I've only allowed one person to even tread near them. He was/is patient and understanding and knows his stuff. He's good with gradients, and getting me to the point where all I want to do is please him. In that state of mind, those triggers can be pushed a little at a time. And I mean A LITTLE AT A TIME.

Additionally, I learn quickly. I've always been able to process stuff and learn from it quickly. Once a boundary has been pushed even a little, it remains more fluid. I don't revert. But it can't be done quickly and again, I have to be in a certain frame of mind to make it work. The deeper into submission I am, the easier it is to push just a little.

I've had one semi-panic attack with this one man, and he handled it. He didn't stop, but he slowed it down and talked to me while still in the scene. It was enough so I could continue. Like I said, he knows his stuff, and he knows me.

Dominants are worth their weight in gold because of this one factor. The Good Ones, know what they are doing, and know their subs. Even good Tops who are just playing know how to size up a bottom who wants to play. It's amazing what these Doms know about us.

Anyway, like I said, I only have one Dom that could push these two areas. All the rest, I had outright panic attacks and was out of control when the areas were approached. Once I even had a violent physical reaction and hit the man. *not hard* and I wasn't punished. I was truly triggered.

What it takes is an honest assessment of the trigger. Communication to your Dom/Top/whatever, and trust in his/her ability to make it right again even if something gets triggered.

That's key in my opinion. Stuff happens. Sometimes a sub has a bad time with a scene. It's going to happen. We play with fire emotionally and physically. At some point or another something is going to get triggered if you have abuse in your background. The key is how well does your Dom know you so he can bring you out of it, AND how much do you trust him/her to do it.

It's really all about the D/s energy exchange. Can he/she lead and command and can you trust enough to submit? D/s isn't just about some hot sexy scene. If it goes bad and you have a bad time or are triggered, can s/he lead you out of it, and will you follow his/her lead?

 

[lilly85]

........

 

[lilly85]

..............

 

[Bandit58]

My abusive situation was emotional not physical. Like Caitlynne, we avoid things like humiliation play which may "set me off". I have triggers such as raised angry voices which seem to fly me back into the past as well.

Maybe this link will help you:

Abuse thread on How To Forum

Sir started it to help a friend of his. It's a long thread but well worth the read. BDSM and abuse is raised about half way through. Feel free to post, the thread is still active

 

[YourCaptor]

I know that all of you won't be able to help me with this, but statistically speaking, I know that some of you can.

If you were abused in the past, how do you separate yourself from those memories and what's happening in the present?

Sometimes, I can tell if I'm not in the right mindset to play. And Master is so patient with me during those times. But other times, I can feel totally fine and be way off into it, and then freak the fuck out. The other day, I could barely breathe I was freaking out so badly. It makes me feel like a failure.

Can anyone relate? Please tell me I'm not alone in this.

Memories are a tricky thing.

You have to address the issue, as in the abuse itself, no the problem you are having now. You have to be able to look at it without flinching, yes it was a bad thing and will make you feel bad when addressing it, but you should not allow it to make you cower. You have to explore it, talk about it, bring it into the open with those you trust. You would be surprised just how much simply moving it outside your own head can do. You need to be able to view it as something that happened in the past, yes a bad thing, but something that you have grown past, something that no longer influences you directly.

This does not mean you would be disregarding it, or diminishing it, this means you have accepted that it is part of your past, but it is not an element in the person you are. It may have been an influence, but it is no you today.

How to do this, that’s the tricky part, for some its as simple as an in depth conversation about it, for others the most random even suddenly just makes something click and it becomes part of their past instead of their present.

Good luck, I hope this helps in some way

 

[FuckMeEyes]

I think of three periods in my life where abuse is a descriptor. In my youth it was physical and emotional abuse. I've had quite a few years to deal with it. In time I've accepted its impact on my personality, but managed to lift myself up and above those years. I've cried those tears until there were no more tears to cry and I looked at myself to define who I wanted to be and not let that time prevent me from being who I am.

Later in my early adulthood, there was another time, more complex and less controllable, now. That would be what I think of in attempting to relate to the c0m's experience. It's hard to deal with and you sound like you're with someone good, someone that will be patient for you when you need it.

I had something trigger a reactionary response not too long ago. My first instinct was to snap and let out some rage and do something rash. Instead, I walked away from the situation to collect my thoughts and decide how to handle it, instead of reacting. So, I guess in a similar way to how I dealt with my early abuses, I took control of myself instead of letting it control me. This probably doesn't offer any decent insight to yourself, but perhaps you'll see that it's only a failure if you quit trying to overcome your adversities.

 

[Lalah]

I know how you're feeling, it take a while to get over it. It really help if you have close friends you can find comfort with.

 

[Tebazile]

I have had no experience of abuse myself but I just wanted to ask, are you in any kind of therapy? Good Masters are wonderful, intuitive, caring people but they are not professional therapists. If you're still experiencing flashbacks like this and they are affecting your ability to enjoy serving your Master then I would say that you still need to work things out. There are plenty of therapists who specialise in PTSD.

I was in therapy for years, but since I moved to Nashville I haven't been able to find anyone that I'm comfortable with. I am still looking, though. I know it's something that I need... I'm just not willing to compromise about it, really. My old therapist was kick ass, and I want to find that again. He or she's out there, I know.

Thanks for the replies, guys. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one in this situation, and there's hope of managing it better.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I was in therapy for years, but since I moved to Nashville I haven't been able to find anyone that I'm comfortable with. I am still looking, though. I know it's something that I need... I'm just not willing to compromise about it, really. My old therapist was kick ass, and I want to find that again. He or she's out there, I know.

Thanks for the replies, guys. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one in this situation, and there's hope of managing it better.

That's good. Therapists are people with whom you can either connect, trust and dissemble or they aren't. I think you are absolutely right to want someone who was as good for you as your old therapist.

I hope you are actively seeking such a person. I know we are quick to beat the therapy drum on Lit but for things like PTSD it really has no substitute.

 

[be_ignited]

What happened to me (sexually) happened a long time ago and I have been very fortunate in that it was relatively minor and really hasn't affected my day to day life or sexual relationships in any major way. Physical and Emotional abuse is another story--much harder to shove to the wayside when the 'abusers' are still an inexorable part of my life.
Like you, I had an awesome therapist who helped me through a lot of my problems. I still have a few triggers that would set off a bad reaction-- screaming my name in a certain way, for example. I have tremendous faith in therapists. I know it doesn't work for some, but what you get out of it depends largely on what you put in, and the quality of your relationship with your therapist. And not every therapist is a good one. The best advise I can offer in the meantime is to make your PYL aware of what's going on--what's happened to you in the past, what you've worked through before, and what still triggers you.

Best of luck finding a new therapist!

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I'll just say that everyone has their emotional landmines, some worse than others.

The key is communication with your Dom,which you seem to have.

 

[kinkyknickers]

I know that all of you won't be able to help me with this, but statistically speaking, I know that some of you can.

If you were abused in the past, how do you separate yourself from those memories and what's happening in the present?

Sometimes, I can tell if I'm not in the right mindset to play. And Master is so patient with me during those times. But other times, I can feel totally fine and be way off into it, and then freak the fuck out. The other day, I could barely breathe I was freaking out so badly. It makes me feel like a failure.

Can anyone relate? Please tell me I'm not alone in this.

I had one particular incedent involving being drugged and another where a flat mate tried to kill me.
So both sexually and in the every day I had a lot of fear and anger to overcome. I went completely Dom for a long time, it's a good way to keep your ground.
But being a sub (or as I'v been told, in my case it's maso bottom) is also a show of strength. Basicly it's like a big "FUCK YOU" to your unwelcome abusers.
Saying not only am I not going to submit to you but I'm choosing to give it to someone else.
As far as the memories go, well maybe you can think about the "FUCK YOU" part when the memories arise, and remember that your master is only yours because they chose you..... and, more importantly, you chose them.

 

[the captians wench]

I was struggling with this not to long ago: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=551281&highlight=flashbacks

So far the episodes have died down, but there are still some triggers from that and other situations in my past. The first time it happened, I did feel guilty, but Jounar said something to me that I didn't think was very helpful but actually really was, "don't". It's not my place to feel guilty, he decides when I've done good and when I failed him, and if he's happy then that's all that matters and I will be happy too.

I know it sounds silly and stupid, but for me it really did work. I mean it's not my job to punish myself, which is what I do when I feel guilty, It's my job to make him happy, and if he says he's happy and poud of me, then I've done my job.

Simple, but it really did help me.

 

[nickollette]

I haven't really had an issue with this during a scene or playing...but I have wondered if I haven't crossed over into all of this type of stuff because of what happened when I was a kid. I will be the first to admit that I don't remember much of what happened, other than the last incident when I finally told my mom...in some ways I'm thankful for that and then in many other ways it makes me wonder how fucked up was the shit that happened that I completely burned it out of my memory.

I can see how, especially for the people who do remember these things, can have flashbacks that interfere when something, even if very vaguely, is reminescent of what happened. It is by no means your fault, the only thing you can do it pay attention to your mind and body, look to see if there may be any pattern that leads to what might be possible triggers. Don't beat yourself up for something you really have no control over and be happy and grateful that you found someone who is understanding, patient and respectful when this happens. That is by far the most important thing and you are very lucky to have found someone like that, instead of feeling guilty, I would try to think of it more as, he knows what can happen and the fact that he helps me through it means that he is accepting and cares about me and wants me to be ok and more importantly he knows I can't help it.