life (poem)

[Senna Jawa]

life

​

youth:

i wolfed meat
was stubborn like an ass
plowed like an ox
​

mature years:

ditto
​

old age:

ditto

​

wh,
2008-04-13

 

[Eluard]

I think you really didn't need to go out of your way to prove my point. But thanks anyway.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I dunno. It made me lol, anyway.

bj

 

[Eluard]

I dunno. It made me lol, anyway.

ditto.

 

[Eluard]

Senna

Since we are all enjoined to give constructive criticism and since you yourself have set a standard for making that constructive criticism as brutal as you feel you can get away with, here are some comments on your poem which may help if you are receptive.

The first thing is that your poem is really a string of clichés. In the second line you’ve attempted to mask the cliché of `stubborn like a mule’ by changing ‘mule’ to ‘ass’. It doesn’t work. A cliché is a cliché and it shines through. ‘Ploughed like an ox’ is also a cliché, though a less noisome one than the second. `Wolfed meat' is problematic for a similar reason: it is too close to the slang expression ‘wolfing down your food’, which children mis-say as `woofing down your food'. The total effect is funny, not the ‘Me, Force of Nature’ that you are going for.

The ditto ditto repetition does not fit well here either. It comes across to me as ‘I’m too lazy to think too hard about this or write anything different.’ Also: you are mixing your idiomatic expressions. A better expression would be ‘the same’ said twice. At present ‘ditto’ is just funny. I don’t think you have a self-mocking sense of humour to the slightest degree so I’m pretty sure you didn’t intend the effect to be amusing.

The broader problem, however, is this: there is a kind of vulgar braggadocio inherent in your three lines that does not sit well with the short lyric form. The lyric form requires delicacy of sensibility and expression. It requires a fineness of expression and it works by nuance. But you are lacking in finesse and subtlety: you are all about the strutting pose. You cannot fit your ego into the short lyric form without breaking it, as you are doing here. An oriental self-effacement is completely foreign to your style or personality. It is like a hippo in lace.

You really need to write in longer poetic forms — Mayakovsky’s hectoring style would be perfect — but then you would need to extend and articulate your thoughts, and I see no sign that you are capable of doing that.

So. Almost every poet who posts here regularly writes better than you do: manipulatrix, Pandora, bijou, rainman, vd, Ange, and a few others. Whenever I see you strutting about pretending to be a poetic expert I just feel a twinge of sympathetic embarrassment for you — though others have clearly bought into your self image and accept you as you insist on being accepted. I will tell you: I admire someone who writes poetry in a language that is not their first language. That is an achievement in itself. But as a poet in English you are not a poetic genius, you are not even very good: you are just A poet, one among many. And that is a good enough thing to be in the circumstances.

Here is a way forward: why not forget all the school-masterly instruction and the pretence of being a poetic guru delivering judgements to the minions. Why not just post your poems like everyone else. Some will like them, some will not. When someone asks for advice: give some friendly tips for improvement. Less superego and more friendly co-contributor will work wonders and make this a better place.

Here's hoping this does not start another flame war.

El.

 

[AChild]

Senna


The first thing is that your poem is really a string of clichés. In the second line you’ve attempted to mask the cliché of `stubborn like a mule’ by changing ‘mule’ to ‘ass’. It doesn’t work. A cliché is a cliché and it shines through. ‘Ploughed like an ox’ is also a cliché, though a less noisome one than the second. `Wolfed meat' is problematic for a similar reason: it is too close to the slang expression ‘wolfing down your food’, which children mis-say as `woofing down your food'. The total effect is funny, not the ‘Me, Force of Nature’ that you are going for.

The ditto ditto repetition does not fit well here either. It comes across to me as ‘I’m too lazy to think too hard about this or write anything different.’ Also: you are mixing your idiomatic expressions. A better expression would be ‘the same’ said twice. At present ‘ditto’ is just funny. I don’t think you have a self-mocking sense of humour to the slightest degree so I’m pretty sure you didn’t intend the effect to be amusing.

.

ditto