Feedback kindly appreciated

[thekarpathianman]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=357482

Story's feedback, positive or negative, will be highly appreciated.

Thank you

 

[elfin_odalisque]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=357482

Story's feedback, positive or negative, will be highly appreciated.

Thank you

Well, it's not really a story is it. Lots of sex for no apparent reasons and totally without emotion leaves any reader thinking, 'So what'. You don't even begin to make sense of the passions and swirling undercurrents.

Despite pretty good technical skills, the product is unbelievable.

Sorry

 

[thekarpathianman]

feedback

Only one reply to my request.
May I insist to get some more comments/suggestions about my story?
Thanks.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Only one reply to my request.
May I insist to get some more comments/suggestions about my story?
Thanks.

Insist? No you can't. If your writing skills matched your ego you would be a half way decent writer. As it is Elle was correct. When you have a real story and not some adolescent wank piece. Come back.

 

[thekarpathianman]

Feedback

Insist? No you can't. If your writing skills matched your ego you would be a half way decent writer. As it is Elle was correct. When you have a real story and not some adolescent wank piece. Come back.

Thank you Jenny, for your kind comments.

But just a question, to you.
This is a free board and you took the liberty to write what you wanted. That's right.
Why don't I have the same right to insist for a comment, from readers, on my story?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thank you Jenny, for your kind comments.

But just a question, to you.
This is a free board and you took the liberty to write what you wanted. That's right.
Why don't I have the same right to insist for a comment, from readers, on my story?

Oh sweet child, you have.

You put yourself out there, ask for reaction and see what happens. This is a free forum, the last thing you can do is insist on a reply. You have to earn it by making us want to take a few minutes of our lives and give it to you.

A writer has no rights. He is a mendicant on life's highways. Enjoy any feedback and reaction you get - good or bad.

 

[thekarpathianman]

Oh sweet child, you have.

You put yourself out there, ask for reaction and see what happens. This is a free forum, the last thing you can do is insist on a reply. You have to earn it by making us want to take a few minutes of our lives and give it to you.

A writer has no rights. He is a mendicant on life's highways. Enjoy any feedback and reaction you get - good or bad.

I think to have same right as you, in democracy.
Mendicant is somebody else, not me, dear elfin.

Bye bye baby.

 

[ellynei]

I hope I didn't sound that rude when i requested feedback

Really do hope I didnt sound that rude when i requested feedback a while back for one of my stories. Cause if I did it's no wonder I only got one feedback on the thread.

Sorry dude I really dont feel like checking your story after reading this thread...

 

[sr71plt]

Really do hope I didnt sound that rude when i requested feedback a while back for one of my stories. Cause if I did it's no wonder I only got one feedback on the thread.

Sorry dude I really dont feel like checking your story after reading this thread...

Well, if you didn't come across as assuming it was your god-given right for everyone to pay attention to you (for free), you probably did just fine.

 

[starrkers]

Only one reply to my request.
May I insist to get some more comments/suggestions about my story?
Thanks.

Perhaps you mean "persist" rather than "insist"? Of course you can persist in your attempt to get feedback. If you are insisting on it, that is a tad rude.


I see in the note on your story that English is not your first language. Bravo to you. I can barely write in English, let alone any other language!
I didn't read all of the story (incest stories are really not my thing), but I did read the first half dozen pars.

Your sentence structure is a little alien - I would suggest finding and English speaker to read through it before posting, to pick up the "wrong" constructions. Nothing major, it reads fine, but not as English is normally written. Example:

The boy put delicately his mom on the bed

would more usually be seen as
"The boy delicately put his mom on the bed".
Although I would probably use "carefully" rather than "delicately".

Sorry, can't comment on plot, as I said before, I didn't read to the end.

 

[Guest]

Why don't I have the same right to insist for a comment, from readers, on my story?

For the same reason that "I insist that you send me $500 in unmarked small bills and then I'll comment on your story" doesn't work--there's no way to enforce it. You see, you're there, and we're here. Get the picture?

You can ask for feedback. You can beg and plead for feedback. There is no right to receive feedback. In the end, whether or not you receive feedback is totally dependent upon the good will of the people who read your posts.

And so far you've alienated everyone,as far as I can tell, by coming across in your posts as arrogant, conceited, demanding, and immature.

You might want to work on that. Or not. It costs us nothing to continue to ignore you.

 

[litchipking]

Insist?

As Inigo Montoya said to Vizzini; "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

All you can do is request. If you do so with the proper amount of humbleness and sincerity, then perhaps a few of the talented writers on this board will consider taking a look at your work.

Fellow writers are also more apt to spend their precious time reading and commenting on your story if you have a history of reading and commenting on other’s stories. There are dozens of writers who frequent this board and give of their time and expertise. I would quickly respond to these writers should they request feedback.

So try again. Maybe your next request will be received better than your first demand.

 

[Darkniciad]

You certainly might want to work with a proofreader/editor to make the transiton into the sentence structure that English uses. Other languages use a different structure, and that shows up in your writing, causing much of what you write to stumble for a native English speaker.

The only real way to fix that is time - a little less if you have a native speaker working with you pointing out specific examples of where a phrase stumbles in English when it would read perfectly well once translated into your native tongue.

Avoid phonetic vocalizations such as "Ahhhhh Yeeeessss!" Absolutely avoid stuttering consenants such as "Bbbbaaabbbbbbyyyy!" Describe the quality of the dialogue, rather than spelling it out phonetically.

"Ahh! Yes!" She screamed, the words long, drawn out, and trailing off into a hiss as her climax took hold of her."

If you want to keep the multiple letters, try to confine it to three or four - max, and only one letter should drag out.

"Ooo, I like that a lot! Ahhh! Yesss!"

Ellipses ( ... ) should be used primarily for incomplete thoughts. If you do use them to indicate a long pause, it should be used sparingly. Most often, an em dash is more appropriate than an ellipse to denote a long pause.

Pet names, such as "Baby", should be capitalized as though they're proper names when used to address someone. This breaks down a little bit when you get into more complex pet names such as "my fair flower"

The same applies when addressing a relative as though their relationship is their name. "What did you say, Mom?"

You have to be careful when you get into things such as, "Suck it, whore!" There's a disconnect there that doesn't call for capitalization. Most often, demeaning terms are broad, not actually targeting the individual, but how the person percieves them instead.

Just the first things that jumped out at me as I skimmed.

As this chapter is mostly a single, long sex scene, there's not much to critique as far as plot. Your characters do seem overly sterotypical, and thus flat. If there's more storyline in other chapters, that can hurt the story. If it's all just sex, then a lot of the stroke readers aren't going to really mind.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Since you insisted.

I found your mini-editorial regarding comments to a prior chapter tedious. And when I read "Dear Readers", I did a back-click.

 

[Guest]

the usual double gang bang...

Hi, it’s [size=+2]Gabby[/size],

Well Mr thekarpathianman welcome to LITEROTICA!

It took less than an hour for our lead pit bull to find and attack you. Don't mind Miss odious, nor the second attack dog, Miss JJ, that rushed to greet you; this is their normal warm welcome to LIT newcomers.

Then the pilot and darkboy found you! You are hitting on all cylinders man. These two constitute our second line of defense. Neither is quite as hostile as their mates are but to be honest neither can be described as friendly or welcoming.

Then you recieved the welcome of Miss starrkerrs and the moonman. Which is a huge improvement!

If you continue at this rate within days you'll be a loved and accepted member of our company.

WELCOME!!!

[size=+2]Gabriella L.[/size]
Club Sectretary, “1000+ VOTE CLUB”

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Hi, it’s [size=+2]Gabby[/size],

Well Mr thekarpathianman welcome to LITEROTICA!

It took less than an hour for our lead pit bull to find and attack you. Don't mind Miss odious, nor the second attack dog, Miss JJ, that rushed to greet you; this is their normal warm welcome to LIT newcomers.

Then the pilot and darkboy found you! You are hitting on all cylinders man. These two constitute our second line of defense. Neither is quite as hostile as their mates are but to be honest neither can be described as friendly or welcoming.

Then you recieved the welcome of Miss starrkerrs and the moonman. Which is a huge improvement!

If you continue at this rate within days you'll be a loved and accepted member of our company.

WELCOME!!!

[size=+2]Gabriella L.[/size]
Club Sectretary, “1000+ VOTE CLUB”

Jim,

I find your comments insulting. It was only after he insisted for reviews that anyone said anything.

I looked at his story when he first posted his request and got as far the "Dear Readers" back-clicked and said nothing.

 

[Darkniciad]

I pretty much gave the benefit of the doubt that "insist" wasn't an intentional attitude, and then took the response to people talking about that as tit-for-tat - big ol' misunderstanding. That's why I went through and picked out some specific things that stuck out in my skim as far as grammar and style as if it never happened.

 

[Guest]

Hi, it’s [size=+2]Gabby[/size] again,

You find my post insulting. Sorry Mr. moonman. I suggest you reread the first 4 posts on this thread. Both the boss and I are sick and tired of the way these two rudely greet everyone who venture innocently into our world. We make excuses by laughing to ourselves and saying, “Oh that Jenny, tee hee.” Well fuck them.

POST #1 Story's feedback, positive or negative, will be highly appreciated. Thank you

POST #2 ODIOUS Well, it's not really a story is it. Lots of sex for no apparent reasons and totally without emotion leaves any reader thinking, 'So what'. You don't even begin to make sense of the passions and swirling undercurrents. Despite pretty good technical skills, the product is unbelievable. Sorry

POST #3 Only one reply to my request. May I insist to get some more comments/suggestions about my story? Thanks

POST #4 JENNY go for the JUGULAR Insist? No you can't. If your writing skills matched your ego you would be a half way decent writer. As it is Elle was correct. When you have a real story and not some adolescent wank piece. Come back.

You want to play along and be party to that crap Mr Moon go ahead. I won’t. Neither will Mr. Scouries.

Gabrielle L.

 

[sr71plt]

Oh, God, Jim. There's no obligation to respond to any request for feedback at all. There was one comment in response to the initial posting--which provided substantive response. The second "I insist you give me more" message is the one that was out of bounds--and no one "made" thekarpathianman post that one.

This isn't what you are upset about. Why don't you come out and say straightaway what has you and your alt upset this evening?

 

[Guest]

Hi, it’s [size=+2]Gabby[/size],

Well Mr thekarpathianman welcome to LITEROTICA!

It took less than an hour for our lead pit bull to find and attack you. Don't mind Miss odious, nor the second attack dog, Miss JJ, that rushed to greet you; this is their normal warm welcome to LIT newcomers.

Then the pilot and darkboy found you! You are hitting on all cylinders man. These two constitute our second line of defense. Neither is quite as hostile as their mates are but to be honest neither can be described as friendly or welcoming.

Then you recieved the welcome of Miss starrkerrs and the moonman. Which is a huge improvement!

If you continue at this rate within days you'll be a loved and accepted member of our company.

WELCOME!!!

[size=+2]Gabriella L.[/size]
Club Sectretary, “1000+ VOTE CLUB”

Well, shit. ANOTHER list I didn't make!

 

[windstormy]

Well, shit. ANOTHER list I didn't make!

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!

 

[windstormy]

Oh, God, Jim. There's no obligation to respond to any request for feedback at all. There was one comment in response to the initial posting--which provided substantive response. The second "I insist you give me more" message is the one that was out of bounds--and no one "made" thekarpathianman post that one.

This isn't what you are upset about. Why don't you come out and say straightaway what has you and your alt upset this evening?

Hmm...that sounds analytical. You wouldn't, per chance, be a psychologist or something like that, would you?

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Hi, it’s [size=+2]Gabby[/size] again,

You find my post insulting. Sorry Mr. moonman. I suggest you reread the first 4 posts on this thread. Both the boss and I are sick and tired of the way these two rudely greet everyone who venture innocently into our world. We make excuses by laughing to ourselves and saying, “Oh that Jenny, tee hee.” Well fuck them.

POST #1 Story's feedback, positive or negative, will be highly appreciated. Thank you

POST #2 ODIOUS Well, it's not really a story is it. Lots of sex for no apparent reasons and totally without emotion leaves any reader thinking, 'So what'. You don't even begin to make sense of the passions and swirling undercurrents. Despite pretty good technical skills, the product is unbelievable. Sorry

POST #3 Only one reply to my request. May I insist to get some more comments/suggestions about my story? Thanks

POST #4 JENNY go for the JUGULAR Insist? No you can't. If your writing skills matched your ego you would be a half way decent writer. As it is Elle was correct. When you have a real story and not some adolescent wank piece. Come back.

You want to play along and be party to that crap Mr Moon go ahead. I won’t. Neither will Mr. Scouries.

Gabrielle L.

Jim,

There is nothing wrong with Elle's comments. She is honest and straight to the point. She will give criticism where necessary, and praise when due.
Yes, Jenny can be acerbic at times. That's her, and I accept her for it. I have seen her on many occassions give good solid advice to writers.

You know full well I don't play along with anyone, never have, and never will.

There's a few stalwarts in here, Elle, Jenny, Starrkers, SR71 included who take the time and read stories, which writers have asked for feedback on, and try to offer some advice and feedback. Some of it is just plain awful. Other than hyping your numbers, and pimping your own work, what have you done? So, yes, sometimes people get a little ticked off when someone insists to receive feedback.

 

[ms.read]

I am laughing at all of you and your juvenile games (yes, I'm intently staring at you Grand High Poohbah)

The writer of this story, should have, at least, had me proofread their story before asking all of your feedback. Maybe he wouldn't have been so rude on insisting for feedback.

I am an Executive Beta Reader.

"What is that?" You ask
The Answer.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

The writer of this story, should have, at least, had me proofread their story before asking all of your feedback.

I honesty doubt that he knew you existed.