What I would do with you in an hour!

[coolcan]

I would start by touching and rubbing that beautiful round ass of yours, then firmly grabbing and gripping squeezing a bit, slowly working my hands toward the bottom of those beautiful cheeks with my fingers getting closer and closer to that wet cunt of yours, but not ready to touch yet just teasing, getting closer and closer till you are about to explode, then I start rubbing your pussy with one hand feeling your wetness all over my fingers, letting one finger push into you just a bit, while spreading those beautiful asscheeks with my other hand so I can get a great view. Your pussy is getting so wet it is almost dripping and my hand is soaked, so I slide it up and start rubbing a finger tip around that tight asshole teasing a bit...Then go down to my knees licking from the back of your neck all the way down to your clit, bending you over a bit, you reach back and spread those beautiful cheeks for me showing me your hot fuckholes up close, I start to lick your pussy a bit just teasing before spreading your lips with one hand to expose your swollen clit, I start to tease and lick your clit with my skillfull tongue teasing and taunting while you start to grind against my face, rubbing your tight little asshole up against my nose, I can tell you are close to your first climax, so I start to cirle your clit aroun and around with my tongue while sliding a finger into your tight asshole, I can feel your body start to quiver as you are overwhelmed with sensations, I can feel your asshole clinching tight on my finger as I start to work it back and forth, I start licking your clit faster as I can hear the moans of your voice getting closer. I take my finger from your asshole and replace it with my tongue, I start licking and trying to force it in your ass as far as it will go, while working your swollen clit with my finger. I can see your legs starting to shake a bit, and your asshole tightens around my tongue as your whole body stiffens which causes me to move back down to your clit licking it faster and harder, your cum starts to flow and I will not miss a sweet drop of your sweet juices...Now you are nice and wet for my stiff cock...

I slowly start to take my cock and slide it up and down between those beautiful cheeks, just admiring how nice my cock looks sliding up and down between those nice round cheeks..I slowly work it down between your thighs sliding it between your thighs up against your wet cunt, your pussy is soaking wet, and your lips start to part as my cock is sliding back and forth..I slowly start to put a little at a time into that tight, wet pussy of yours, you start pushing back trying to get it all in, but I restrain and tease you a bit, now I am giving you about half of my cock, but you want it all, I pull it out and rub it hard against your throbbing clit. Biting you on the back of the neck and telling you that I will give you my cock when I am ready to give you my cock.

I push you over all the way as you reach back and spread those cheeks and look back and plead for my cock, I grab your hair as I put my cock in a little then slam it all the way in as you moan very loudly, you like my cock don't you? You dirty little slut...Fucking you nice and slow, before I start picking up the pace, slapping my balls against your wet cunt...I can feel your moans getting faster and you are bucking hard against me to get every inch, I then pull out and place my wet cock against your tight asshole, pushing it in slowly, working it in until it is buried in that tight beautiful ass, you moan in pleasure as I grab your shoulders and start to fuck you good, you get louder and I can feel my balls starting to tingle as you reach under and wet your fingers with your cum and start to rub my asshole, You are starting to cum and I am there with you, feeling your asshole milk my cock until I explode. That's what I would Do!


coolcan

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Is there some point to your posts?

 

[coolcan]

You are very critical...I just sarted to write a bit, I don't claim to be bthe best, merely just getting started. You should be more supportive instead of so critical.

 

[sr71plt]

That first comma on the second line is very pretty.

 

[coolcan]

So is my writing that bad?

 

[sr71plt]

So is my writing that bad?

Oh, you actually have a question?

 

[drksideofthemoon]

So is my writing that bad?

In a word, yes.

 

[DeeZire]

Is there a really-long-paragraph award? I think we have a winner.

'What I Would Do With You in an Hour!' would be a really good title for the Flashfic thread. Plus, a flashfic thread would show the OP there are different ways to approach the same subject. Hopefully, you give the reader something new, something real, something memorable. You get the reader caught up in the story so they can't stop until they find out what happens.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Obviously nobody is screening the people who get in here anymore, are they?

That said, coolcan, from the point of view of my critical eye, I find nothing stimulating, interesting, new or worthwhile in your snippet.

Great job. Keep going. You are sure to be in the running for something - not sure what. Most obnoxious stroke story and biggest "hard-off" or something.

 

[hmmnmm]

It would make a great love letter to a high school grammar nazi.

 

[litchipking]

Perhaps you are lost

I walked into a gay bar once by mistake. Oh God, I was so embarrassed.

I smoothly covered my awkwardness by tripping over a chair and knocking a drink onto the lap of a particularly large gentleman dressed in, what I considered to be not enough, leather.

I quickly apologized over the blaring music. "I'm sorry. I'm not gay."

"So you came in here to throw drinks on the queers?" His voice was deeper than the neckline of his body suit, which was really saying something.

"No, I didn't mean to...I'm sorry." Then I threw in the line I thought would redeem me.

"Really, I have lots of friends who are gay." Two actually, but I had always thought of that number as a lot before I walked into this bar.

I never saw the large fist coming before it struck me...

*****

Oh, wait a minute. This isn't the place to post a story. Oh God, I'm so embarrassed.

I was supposed to submitt my story to this site and then come here to ask for feedback. Actually posting a story here is just stupid. How embarrassing.

Maybe I could go to the Story Ideas board and ask for some comments on how to make a real story out of my ramblings. Or maybe I should read some more stories on this site to learn how to create a compelling plot, develop characters with depth and build the sexual tension.

Or maybe I could just hook up with you, coolcan, and check out a gay bar. I’m sure that could not be more embarrassing than posting a story on the feedback forum. Man, what fools we are.

 

[slflet]

Oh my. Oh my my.
I would like to be supportive and suggest you read more before writing more.
Its good to shake all the ideas out of your head everyonce in a while. Perhaps not all in one sentence.
Why don't you try building a story WITH someone and perhaps they could guide you a bit.
Its hard to put stuff out here but you have to be prepared to take criticism, constructive or otherwise.
Don't be afriad to try again.

 

[lustn4sis]

"I take my finger from your asshole and replace it with my tongue, I start licking and trying to force it in your ass as far as it will go..."

Since you obviously like eating shit, telling you that your 3 paragraphs was the shittiest attempt at erotic writing I've read all week hopefully is a complement.

"I then pull out and place my wet cock against your tight asshole, pushing it in slowly, working it in until it is buried in that tight beautiful ass..."

Reading your stuff turned me on so much, I crapped in my hand and rubbed it all over my dick as I jerked off, just so I could really picture myself as the butt pirating douchebag in your story, you know?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

This is story FEEDBACK, not a place to post random semi-literate masturbation fantasies.

What you write would not get past the editors here.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

This is story FEEDBACK, not a place to post random semi-literate masturbation fantasies.

What you write would not get past the editors here.

That's true, Elle. But they would get a hell of a laugh. And I'm quite sure his shit would get passed around to share the laughter.

 

[Guest]

OK, let's sum up for the poor boy, shall we?

1) This is not the place to post the full text of a story (yes, other people have done it--doesn't make it right).

2) Format your text to Literotica standards (you'll find them here) and submit your story.

3) Be prepared to have your story rejected a time or six--it's bloody awful because: a. It's a "wall of text" that no one wants to read; find appropriate places to break it into readable paragraphs; b. The ellipsis (three dots) is to be used sparingly, if at all. Something at least approaching correct punctuation (periods, commas, that sort of thing, properly used) is required. This will also shorten your incredibly long run-on sentences; c. Even a basic stroke story has some semblance of character, setting, and time, and maybe the rudiments of plot. Yours doesn't. Read more more stories, then go and do likewise.

4) Once your story has been rejected, find an editor who can show you what you're doing wrong, and how to do it right.

5) Once it's accepted, then post a request for feedback, and a link to the story, on this thread.

6) Be grateful and humble for any constructive criticism you may happen to receive; take "negative" criticism in stride and with good grace.

7) If you are not prepared to do what all of us have done in order to have stories on Lit, and receive feedback on them, then to hell with you.

Best of luck!

 

[tickledkitty]

OK, let's sum up for the poor boy, shall we?

1) This is not the place to post the full text of a story (yes, other people have done it--doesn't make it right).

2) Format your text to Literotica standards (you'll find them here) and submit your story.

3) Be prepared to have your story rejected a time or six--it's bloody awful because: a. It's a "wall of text" that no one wants to read; find appropriate places to break it into readable paragraphs; b. The ellipsis (three dots) is to be used sparingly, if at all. Something at least approaching correct punctuation (periods, commas, that sort of thing, properly used) is required. This will also shorten your incredibly long run-on sentences; c. Even a basic stroke story has some semblance of character, setting, and time, and maybe the rudiments of plot. Yours doesn't. Read more more stories, then go and do likewise.

4) Once your story has been rejected, find an editor who can show you what you're doing wrong, and how to do it right.

5) Once it's accepted, then post a request for feedback, and a link to the story, on this thread.

6) Be grateful and humble for any constructive criticism you may happen to receive; take "negative" criticism in stride and with good grace.

7) If you are not prepared to do what all of us have done in order to have stories on Lit, and receive feedback on them, then to hell with you.

Best of luck!

Hear! Hear!

Very nice. I started to post something similar yesterday but became too exhausted to continue.

 

[freshface]

I'll assume that you came looking for help and not just to annoy the natives.

1. Pay attention to everything GnomeDePlume wrote. He's giving good advice.

2. From the Stories page, click on "Writer's Resources." It's filled with all sorts of articles on how to polish your writing and create a better story.

3. Also from the Stories page, click on "Top Lists," choose your favorite genre, and read some of the stories posted there. Pay attention to how the authors construct their stories, including paragraph length and use of dialogue. Notice also that almost all of them have a plot that draws you into the story and makes you want to continue reading it. They made it onto the top lists because the readers on this site like them. Note that even though this is an erotic story site, there is a lot more to an erotic story than a steamy sex scene. Also notice how these authors make the scenes steamy. Yours aren't there yet.

4. Internalize all that you learned in steps 2 and 3 and use that knowledge to write a complete story.

5. When you think that your story is ready for publication, use the volunteer editor program to find an editor. The link for them is just above the one for "Writer Resources." Accept that your editor is going to have lots of suggestions, especially on your first try. Insulting the editor does not make your writing any better.

6. Remember that they call them "volunteer editors" because they are volunteers. It might take some time to find one and wait for the feedback, but a good one can add a lot to the quality of the story, especially if you listen to their advice.

7. When your story is ready for posting, submit it to the website.

8. After it posts, then create a thread in this forum and request feedback.

 

[Guest]

I'll assume that you came looking for help and not just to annoy the natives.

1. Pay attention to everything GnomeDePlume wrote. He's giving good advice.

2. From the Stories page, click on "Writer's Resources." It's filled with all sorts of articles on how to polish your writing and create a better story.

3. Also from the Stories page, click on "Top Lists," choose your favorite genre, and read some of the stories posted there. Pay attention to how the authors construct their stories, including paragraph length and use of dialogue. Notice also that almost all of them have a plot that draws you into the story and makes you want to continue reading it. They made it onto the top lists because the readers on this site like them. Note that even though this is an erotic story site, there is a lot more to an erotic story than a steamy sex scene. Also notice how these authors make the scenes steamy. Yours aren't there yet.

4. Internalize all that you learned in steps 2 and 3 and use that knowledge to write a complete story.

5. When you think that your story is ready for publication, use the volunteer editor program to find an editor. The link for them is just above the one for "Writer Resources." Accept that your editor is going to have lots of suggestions, especially on your first try. Insulting the editor does not make your writing any better.

6. Remember that they call them "volunteer editors" because they are volunteers. It might take some time to find one and wait for the feedback, but a good one can add a lot to the quality of the story, especially if you listen to their advice.

7. When your story is ready for posting, submit it to the website.

8. After it posts, then create a thread in this forum and request feedback.

Nicely done, FF! And a lot more thorough than mine.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Nicely done, FF! And a lot more thorough than mine.

Yes! And READ A LOT. The best writers are voracious readers.
















Note: Comic books don't count.

 

[sr71plt]

My problem with this thread is that it did look like he came here just to annoy the natives. Just shoving the writing in our faces; not asking a question or making any sort of statement. If there was a question involved, I would have taken it differently.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Yes! And READ A LOT. The best writers are voracious readers.





Note: Comic books don't count.

Depends on the comic and on how your mind works.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

My problem with this thread is that it did look like he came here just to annoy the natives. Just shoving the writing in our faces; not asking a question or making any sort of statement. If there was a question involved, I would have taken it differently.

I think that just about sums it up, SR

 

[freshface]

My problem with this thread is that it did look like he came here just to annoy the natives. Just shoving the writing in our faces; not asking a question or making any sort of statement. If there was a question involved, I would have taken it differently.

I think you're probably right, especially since he did it twice. I'm an incurable optimist, always hoping for the best in people. Besides, there might be some lurkers who could benefit from the advice.

 

[tickledkitty]

I think he came here looking for a response something like this:

OMG!! U R sooooo fucking hot! Ur a really good writer, and I your AV pic. I creamed my panties twice reading this. Wanna chat? I have a cam. Let's hook up. PM me.