A few questions from a Sub needing some insight

[Kathykitten]

Greetings!

I was reading over a few questions on another “how to” about a dome / sub relationship and the individuals responsibilities, and I felt the questions were extremely good. However there never was a clear answer to them, so I wanted to post them here as they also concern me as I’ve just started out in a very light internet power exchange. I am trying to consider whether to walk down this road or not, and I hope that someone with insight will be kind enough to leave a reply as a comment.

1) How can a submissive maintain a healthy self-esteem in this type of relationship?

2) Let's say a Dom and Sub are husband and wife and one decides they are no longer interested in the lifestyle, can they return to a vanilla relationship?

3) When I hear about the punishments and beatings, how does this affect the sub physically and emotionally?

4) Can a woman who is pierced in the nipples nurse a child?

5) How can a Dom / Sub pair with children manage to keep alive their personal preferences, and still hold a healthy family life?

6) What about the risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancy? We all know that prevention simply fails from time to time.

7) (Personal question from myself) A sub often craves attention, and it is one of my personal concerns that I will get on my masters nerves. I feel insecure in my need and often not responded to in any way that can settle my mind. How can a sub best balance out her / his needs so as not to put too much pressure on the Dom? Or is this a sign that I am not being fulfilled in our relationship, or that my Dom might need some training or pointers?

8) If the dom has somehow pushed the sub to far, and they both realise what made the incident possible, is it possible for them to repair the damage and continue? Had such an incident recently,where I did not give clear enough signals and he got too carried away. Needless to say it has really killed my lust, and I haven't felt like any sort of intimacy for over a week. Can it be repaired, and how?

I would appreciate it if someone who is a Dom or a sub could respond to these questions, thank you up front!

 

[WriterDom]

Greetings!


8) If the dom has somehow pushed the sub to far, and they both realise what made the incident possible, is it possible for them to repair the damage and continue? Had such an incident recently,where I did not give clear enough signals and he got too carried away. Needless to say it has really killed my lust, and I haven't felt like any sort of intimacy for over a week. Can it be repaired, and how?

I would appreciate it if someone who is a Dom or a sub could respond to these questions, thank you up front!

Wow, lots of questions. I'll address one.



We're imperfect beings. All of us. Sometimes we push too far to the point of failure. But think about all the things that go right. That are wonderful. Think of it as a savings account. You have 100,000 dollars of good. Then something goes wrong. A thousand dollars flies out the window. You still have 99,000 in the bank. So what do you do? Well, first of all, you make up. Then you sit down and analyze it. What went wrong. What was my part in it. How we can avoid making the same mistake in the future.

 

[satindesire]

double post

 

[satindesire]

Hey Kitten. My name's Megan and I'm a sub. Welcome to Lit and the BDSM boards. I hope you make many good friends here.

1) How can a submissive maintain a healthy self-esteem in this type of relationship? Self esteem should, IMO, not be a part of the relationship in question, but part of the sub in question's own personal life. Loving yourself, accepting yourself as you are, and being capable of being honest with yourself are some traits that people with good self esteem have. BDSM relationships should never be the cause of or the cure for poor self esteem. If your Dom is making you feel as though your self esteem is failing because of him, you need to not be in that relationship anymore.

2) Let's say a Dom and Sub are husband and wife and one decides they are no longer interested in the lifestyle, can they return to a vanilla relationship? Most people who are dependent on the BDSM practices to maintain their sexual desires should not try to return to a vanilla lifestyle. But the kind of people who play with BDSM for fun might be okay.

3) When I hear about the punishments and beatings, how does this affect the sub physically and emotionally? That's like asking what strawberry ice cream tastes like. Everyone's gonna have a different opinion about it. What you should be asking is...how will it affect ME. If it's negative, abusive and hurts your self esteem and self worth, it should not exist in your life.

4) Can a woman who is pierced in the nipples nurse a child? Yes, piercings done properly should not affect whether or not a woman can nurse.

5) How can a Dom / Sub pair with children manage to keep alive their personal preferences, and still hold a healthy family life? They don't make their sexual kinks obvious to their children, and keep their sex life separate from their kids.

6) What about the risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancy? We all know that prevention simply fails from time to time. BDSM practitioners are not necessarily promiscuous or polygamous. Safe sex practices such as using dental dams, condoms, and hormonal birth control apply to vanilla people and Lifestylers the same.

7) (Personal question from myself) A sub often craves attention, and it is one of my personal concerns that I will get on my masters nerves. I feel insecure in my need and often not responded to in any way that can settle my mind. How can a sub best balance out her / his needs so as not to put too much pressure on the Dom? Or is this a sign that I am not being fulfilled in our relationship, or that my Dom might need some training or pointers? If your Dom is not satisfying your needs, you need to look at whether or not you're in the right relationship. No one person can ever satisfy the other totally, we still needs friends and family to maintain a healthy social life, but sometimes even good people aren't compatible. You should be asking YOURSELF this, as none of us know your heart, and since you did not list these needs you refer to, I can't give a more specific response.

8) If the dom has somehow pushed the sub to far, and they both realise what made the incident possible, is it possible for them to repair the damage and continue? Had such an incident recently,where I did not give clear enough signals and he got too carried away. Needless to say it has really killed my lust, and I haven't felt like any sort of intimacy for over a week. Can it be repaired, and how? It is possible to repair the damaged trust, but forgiveness needs to be on both partners equally. Willingness to continue passed the hurt is also important. Speak to someone kink friendly about the incident. Perhaps venting about it will help bring you closure.

 

[luvitlong]

i dont know if i can answer all of the questions but im happy to tell you what i do know .

myself and my SO have been together for 17 yrs we have 3 children (who are a bit older now) and we have been in practicing bdsm for 6 yrs , when the kids were younger it was more difficult but as the've grown up it has made it easier .
obviously we cant indulge in a 24/7 bdsm relationship but every moment we are alone i am his pyl ,and i find it easy now to change between mother and pyl.
i was quite a shy quiet person when my SO and i met and i have noticed in myself over the last 7-8 yrs of switching and bdsm that my self esteem has grown a lot, i think its knowing that my SO loves me, and cares for me and knows me and my needs, i feel i can tell Him anything and He completely backs me up on everything.

as for people losing interest in the lifestyle i can only speak for myself but when we first started out , some times one person would get fed up with there role as either top or bottom and we would switch ,each taking a turn for a while , and yes even sometimes taking a break from the bdsm and going back to vanilla. we did this for the first yr untill we decided one day that we wanted certain roles and we have stuck to this since . however i think if your going into a new relationship i think you have to find out what your partner thinks about this ,he could want to be a PYL completely with no room for change.

i do get beatings usually with a cane or paddle , but i enjoy this part of our relationship ,and sometimes yes i get bruised but the pain is short lived and as long as you have a safe word you can stop things whenever you want .
metally it gives me a feeling of belonging to my PYL He is in control of everything i do , and the caning does not let me forget this . and the pain and the marks remind me that i belong to Him as well. when you start out in your relationship you can fill out a checklist and give this to your partner this will let him know your limits and what you are prepared to do .

i think craving attention is natural in any new relationship ,and im sure your PYL will feel the same as your relationship blooms this will probably mellow out , however if i crave attention i can be a naughty pyl and i find this works a treat (but thats my secret)

well i think ive rambled on enough
hope this is what you were looking for and helps

 

[RawHumor]

4) Can a woman who is pierced in the nipples nurse a child? Yes, piercings done properly should not affect whether or not a woman can nurse.

Really? I've heard differing answers to this one. At least to the point that the woman needs to remove the piercings during pregnancy until the child is done breast-feeding.

I don't have personal first-hand knowledge, but that's what I've heard.

 

[satindesire]

Really? I've heard differing answers to this one. At least to the point that the woman needs to remove the piercings during pregnancy until the child is done breast-feeding.

I don't have personal first-hand knowledge, but that's what I've heard.

Oh yes, you need to remove the JEWELRY, but the holes in the nipples left by the jewelry should not affect the baby's ability to nurse at all.

I'm so sorry for not clarifying that better, thank you for calling that point to attention honey.

 

[EmpressFi]

I'll answer the ones I can

Greetings!

1) How can a submissive maintain a healthy self-esteem in this type of relationship?

Actually, I've found that my self esteem has amazingly improved since deciding to go ahead with this lifestyle ~ for the most part. I have my moments where I wonder how in the hell I could possibly satisfy my husband and/or my Master. But they assure me that I do. In the year since Master and I got together, I've volunteered for more responsibility at work and have received a couple promotions. I never stood up for myself before. I feel beautiful and empowered.

2) Let's say a Dom and Sub are husband and wife and one decides they are no longer interested in the lifestyle, can they return to a vanilla relationship?

I was thinking of this today. What would I do if Malin decided he didnt want to be poly anymore and that he wanted to go back to vanilla. Well firstly, I dont think that would happen. Malin and I have been together for nearly 13 years now, and we've never been "vanilla". But I guess for me, it would be how much would I want to give up. I'd be devastated at the loss of Master, the other love of my life. I dont know that I could survive it. But I love Malin and cant imagine living without him either.

3) When I hear about the punishments and beatings, how does this affect the sub physically and emotionally?

My "punishment", seeing as I've only been punished once, was a withdrawl of attention and affection. And it killed me. And all it was, was Master moving to the other side of the couch and telling me I wasnt allowed to sit next to him. It was devastating for me. The beatings. I love the sting, I love the pain. I'm a pain slut though. The only thing that upsets me with those..is when I cant take it for as long as I think I should... for me, the feeling that I've disappointed him is my motivation and my downfall emotionally. It's a feeling I cannot bear

4) Can a woman who is pierced in the nipples nurse a child?

Mine are pierced and while I havent been explicitly warned against it, if I were to become pregnant and decide to breastfeed, I'd take them out. Mine are clean and not infected, but get "sleep" from time to time around the edges. I'm sure if you took extra effort to keep them clean it would be fine, but I wouldnt be comfortable with it.

5) How can a Dom / Sub pair with children manage to keep alive their personal preferences, and still hold a healthy family life?

6) What about the risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancy? We all know that prevention simply fails from time to time.

I agree that the risk isnt any more or less than the "vanilla" world. We use condoms, and we all are screened for diseases. Also, even though we're poly, we dont sleep around. I sleep with Malin and Master. Master only sleeps with me. Malin has another girlfriend where we work who has a boyfriend. That boyfriend has one other partner. No birth control/STD protection is 100%, so we be as smart as we can

7) (Personal question from myself) A sub often craves attention, and it is one of my personal concerns that I will get on my masters nerves. I feel insecure in my need and often not responded to in any way that can settle my mind. How can a sub best balance out her / his needs so as not to put too much pressure on the Dom? Or is this a sign that I am not being fulfilled in our relationship, or that my Dom might need some training or pointers?

I think this is another situation where communication is key. Some will say it's not the Dom's concern to take care of your needs, you're there for his, but, also a dom doesnt want an unhappy sub. There's a difference between indifference and being ignored. Talk to him/her. Use phrases like, "when you <insert action>, I feel neglected (or other emotion). Maybe there are ways to assuage that feeling without you resorting to being needy.

8) If the dom has somehow pushed the sub to far, and they both realise what made the incident possible, is it possible for them to repair the damage and continue? Had such an incident recently,where I did not give clear enough signals and he got too carried away. Needless to say it has really killed my lust, and I haven't felt like any sort of intimacy for over a week. Can it be repaired, and how?

I agree with WD. It can be done, but you need to focus on the good things. We all have moments where we're not at our best. No one likes to have those held against them. It will take time for the trust to rebuild.

I would appreciate it if someone who is a Dom or a sub could respond to these questions, thank you up front!

 

[chris9]

1) How can a submissive maintain a healthy self-esteem in this type of relationship?

2) Let's say a Dom and Sub are husband and wife and one decides they are no longer interested in the lifestyle, can they return to a vanilla relationship?

3) When I hear about the punishments and beatings, how does this affect the sub physically and emotionally?

4) Can a woman who is pierced in the nipples nurse a child?

5) How can a Dom / Sub pair with children manage to keep alive their personal preferences, and still hold a healthy family life?

6) What about the risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancy? We all know that prevention simply fails from time to time.

7) (Personal question from myself) A sub often craves attention, and it is one of my personal concerns that I will get on my masters nerves. I feel insecure in my need and often not responded to in any way that can settle my mind. How can a sub best balance out her / his needs so as not to put too much pressure on the Dom? Or is this a sign that I am not being fulfilled in our relationship, or that my Dom might need some training or pointers?

8) If the dom has somehow pushed the sub to far, and they both realise what made the incident possible, is it possible for them to repair the damage and continue? Had such an incident recently,where I did not give clear enough signals and he got too carried away. Needless to say it has really killed my lust, and I haven't felt like any sort of intimacy for over a week. Can it be repaired, and how?

Hi.
I haven't read the rest of the thread and decided to just give you my answers.

1) I've found that actually accepting that I want to be submissive has helped my self-esteem a lot. I have not been in a relationship with this power dynamic in place, but playing even fairly hard has not had any negative influence on my self-esteem.

2) I don't think I would want to be in a vanilla relationship. I don't know what would happen if my husband (don't have one) changed so much that he wasn't dominant anymore. I'd try to keep the marriage working, sure. Not sure it would work though.

3) I won't get into the punishment thing. I know that I need pain to be happy. Sadistic play satisfies some need I have. I might not be able to sit without some discomfort for a day or two and have some bruises that I'd rather not have to explain to anybody.

6) No difference to any other kind of sexual play.

7) Talk. If you need more attention than you're getting, let your Dom know. If he's not willing to be as attentive as you need him to be, he might not be right for you. He might just not know what it is that you are missing.

8) I think it can be repaired. Learn from mistakes (go slower, talk more while playing). Talk about what happened. Don't do anything you don't want to do.

 

[missy_me]

I don't have an awful lot of experience, but I'll try to answer to your questions from the sub point of view. Haven't read the other responses yet, so there is for sure some (a lot) repetition in my answers.

1) To me, accepting my sexuality has worked wonders to my self esteem. I feel a lot more secure in my own skin now than I did before. That being said, I don't think that self esteem has a lot to do with the relationship, but it's more of a part of personal life in general.

If you're wondering how submitting affects your self esteem... I'd say it's all about accepting who you are, what you need and what you want. I had trouble accepting humiliation and objectification, but I've come to terms with it. At least most of the time...

2) It's impossible to say whether they can return to a vanilla relationship or not. Communication is the key. Maybe it's possible for the one who wishes to continue to have a partner outside the marriage.
In my personal opinion, there are a lot more in a relationship than D/s or any other aspect of BDSM and if the other parts are solid and communication is strong, I don't see any reason as to why some kind of a solution couldn't be found. (But I'm young, neither married, nor had to have to deal with anything major within our relationship besides going poly, so I might be a tad idealistic...)

3) The emotional part of the punishment is the hardest for me. Knowing that I have let him down feel a lot worse than any kind of a punishment he could possibly come up with. Punishment, be it corporal or something else, helps me to get over the feeling that I've dissapointed J. After the punishment is over, I know that all is well again and we can get on with our lives.

4) If done right, a woman with pierced nipples should be able to nurse. Thou some doctors advice to remove the jewelry altogether on quite an early stage of pregnancy. So the answers vary.

5) I don't have kids but... You don't flaunt your vanilla sex life in front of your kids either, do you?

6) If the prevention fails, the actions are exactly the same as in a vanilla relationship. The same responsibilities come along with having sex no matter what kind of relationship.

7) If you feel constantly neglected, it's maybe best to think whether it's the right relationship for you.

8) Everyone makes mistakes, the severity of them varies. In our relationship the few times that my limits were crossed big time, have actually worked as a catalysts to a lot better communication and a more open relationship. It is possible to get past the weirdness, but it takes time, will and effort. How? Communication, once again. And for us it worked to hold on to the habits we have, the parts of our relationship that for sure were safe despite all the weirdness. And try to avoid making the same mistakes again.

 

[Kathykitten]

Thanks for all the good replies, so many suggestions here that I can truly take to heart.

As for question 8 about mending the damage done I guess it is like any other time when something messes up a Vanilla relationship. Even if it is not sexual at all. I guess I could disclose that I was in to much pain, and it suddenly made me feel abused rather than being in a mutual mature situation where we both bottom line enjoyed and condoned what was going on.

Hurt him naturally, and he of course stopped the second he saw it was to much for me, but it still left this gap of mistrust. And with me now going to a place where subbing is directly synonymous with displeasure, pain and emotional hurt the minute I think of it.
We worked it through though, we know exactly where it went wrong, and we've figured out how to avoid it in the future with clearer signals and him asking more often.
We are trying to take slow steps, but anything I do for him right now only makes me feel uncomfortable and misplaced, and I want that Joy i usually have for it back =S

 

[madetotakeit]

1) How can a submissive maintain a healthy self-esteem in this type of relationship?

Self-esteem is something that comes from within me. Nobody can effect that unless I allow them to. Regardless of BDSM or vanilla or even friendship, if someone is attempting to manipulate my self-esteem I am going to remove that person from my life. They won't be successful, but the fact that they are attempting shows a lack of character. It makes me believe they have self-esteem issues of their own.

2) Let's say a Dom and Sub are husband and wife and one decides they are no longer interested in the lifestyle, can they return to a vanilla relationship?

It depends on how serious the need for that dynamic is. In my experience, it was a case of realizing that I would always feel like something was missing. Marriage wasn't involved, but there was a 10 year investment. That certainly wasn't the only reason that we broke up, so I can't say if that alone would have irreparably damaged the relationship. We are still very much a part of each others lives as friends and occasional vanilla partners. For future relationships my partner will have to be of a similar mindset as me when it comes to BDSM. I'm one of those "you can never turn back" types.

3) When I hear about the punishments and beatings, how does this affect the sub physically and emotionally?

It effects everyone differently and you will never know until you are there.

5) How can a Dom / Sub pair with children manage to keep alive their personal preferences, and still hold a healthy family life?

Unless you are living it 24/7, the children do not have to be aware of the dynamics.

6) What about the risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancy? We all know that prevention simply fails from time to time.

This is no different in the BDSM than in the vanilla world. In either situation I am extremely picky about who I allow into my body. I keep myself healthy and get tested regularly. I only chose partners that value their lives and health as seriously as I do. Protection can fail (both of my pregnancies were a result of condom failure.) The best way to prevent that possibility is using two forms of birth control ie: condom and the pill or condom and IUD.

7) (Personal question from myself) A sub often craves attention, and it is one of my personal concerns that I will get on my masters nerves. I feel insecure in my need and often not responded to in any way that can settle my mind. How can a sub best balance out her / his needs so as not to put too much pressure on the Dom? Or is this a sign that I am not being fulfilled in our relationship, or that my Dom might need some training or pointers?

This varies depending on the situation. If you feel you must have daily attention otherwise you start fearing that there is a problem, I would say there are some internal issues you need to deal with beyond the D/s dynamic. The constant need for attention can be flattering at first, but over time it loses its appeal. If you have regular interaction but still feel you are not being paid enough attention, then I would look at him. I would think either a) He's not that interested or b) He's not aware of ways that he is not giving you enough attention. Either way communication comes into play. Feeling that you need more than you are receiving or worrying that you will get on his nerves is a sign that there is a problem somewhere. It may just be a sign that you need to talk, but IMO it's usually a signal that it isn't going to work out in the long run. To me, the only way it is different with D/s than in the vanilla is the level of intensity and trust. Also when it is the first time with D/s, again IMO, a little more "checking in" is necessary . Many new thoughts and feelings are going to be running rampant. These can be fertile ground for fears and confusion to set in.

8) If the dom has somehow pushed the sub to far, and they both realise what made the incident possible, is it possible for them to repair the damage and continue? Had such an incident recently,where I did not give clear enough signals and he got too carried away. Needless to say it has really killed my lust, and I haven't felt like any sort of intimacy for over a week. Can it be repaired, and how?

It is natural to need time to recover from something that was more than you were capable of handling. If safe words were not used, only signals they should have been thoroughly agreed upon as to their meanings ahead of time. Leaving something up to interpretation is playing with fire. A Dom should not be expected to be a mind reader any more than a sub. Yes, after a long period of time they can learn to read each other, but that isn't something that happens overnight. Think of it as a lesson learned rather than focusing on the specifics. You know now you need to be clearer and more aware of when you are reaching that line. You can't hold it against him when you already know there could have been improvement in how you reacted. Both parties are involved and both parties have to take responsibility. I'm not a believer in the Dom is always the one who is responsible. I'm an adult and as such responsible for my own actions.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Greetings!

I was reading over a few questions on another “how to” about a dome / sub relationship and the individuals responsibilities, and I felt the questions were extremely good. However there never was a clear answer to them, so I wanted to post them here as they also concern me as I’ve just started out in a very light internet power exchange. I am trying to consider whether to walk down this road or not, and I hope that someone with insight will be kind enough to leave a reply as a comment.

Welcome and my what a first post!

Something you need to realize first off is that BDSM has no "rulebook" per say... It is all about what works for each individual person and/or couple. If you and yours are happy that's really all that matters. Now I'll go about giving you my best answers to your questions, but I think you'll find that MY answers may or may not work for you and that's OK.

1) How can a submissive maintain a healthy self-esteem in this type of relationship?

For me this isn't a problem. If you maintain open communication with your Dom/me then it shouldn't become a problem either. And any Dom/me worth their salt would welcome open communication. If they don't... RUN!

2) Let's say a Dom and Sub are husband and wife and one decides they are no longer interested in the lifestyle, can they return to a vanilla relationship?

I'm married to my Dom and we have gone through periods where one or the other of us needed to take a break. Yes it works, but ONLY with the open communication that I mentioned before.

3) When I hear about the punishments and beatings, how does this affect the sub physically and emotionally?

To be perfectly honest... I wouldn't know. I don't get "punished" per say with beating because I'm a masochist so that just wouldn't work. I also tend to be a hell of a lot harder on myself than Daddy could ever be when I feel like I've let him down. The whole "punishment" thing really hasn't been a part of our relationship to this point.

4) Can a woman who is pierced in the nipples nurse a child?

While I have pierced nipples, I got them done long after I stopped having my children so I can't say with any authority other than what I've read on this subject. And I think this was already answered for you.

5) How can a Dom / Sub pair with children manage to keep alive their personal preferences, and still hold a healthy family life?

Daddy and I have 3 children... and it is quite possible to hold a healthy family life... we are living proof. We've been doing so for over 5 years now. Our oldest will be 23 years old in Aug, our next is 18 now, and our youngest is now 10 years old. Only our oldest knows about our lifestyle choice at this time, she asked the right question finally. And I wouldn't lie to her. My boys have not asked any questions, so as far as I'm aware they are still clueless or at least respect our privacy.

What our children see are parents that respect and love each other. They also see parents that are united in decisions, however Daddy makes the ultimate call. Basically they get an old fashioned household where Mommy respects Daddy's authority and the kids know they are loved and cared for.

How can that hurt the children?

6) What about the risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancy? We all know that prevention simply fails from time to time.

Easy... we're currently monogamous and Daddy had a vasectomy 10 years ago, plus I'm on the pill. If we ever do include someone else precautions will be taken to prevent STDs.

7) (Personal question from myself) A sub often craves attention, and it is one of my personal concerns that I will get on my masters nerves. I feel insecure in my need and often not responded to in any way that can settle my mind. How can a sub best balance out her / his needs so as not to put too much pressure on the Dom? Or is this a sign that I am not being fulfilled in our relationship, or that my Dom might need some training or pointers?

The thing to do is to keep yourself occupied with something... You need an assignment or task to complete, even if it is one you give yourself to keep yourself busy so you don't have time to get needy in between times that your Dom can have time for you. Putting pressure on your Dom is a sure fire way to burn him out, or turn him off.

8) If the dom has somehow pushed the sub to far, and they both realise what made the incident possible, is it possible for them to repair the damage and continue? Had such an incident recently,where I did not give clear enough signals and he got too carried away. Needless to say it has really killed my lust, and I haven't felt like any sort of intimacy for over a week. Can it be repaired, and how?

Doms are human too. They make mistakes just like everyone else. The key is you didn't give clear enough signals, so how was he to know? How is this all his fault? You need to step up and take some responsibility too. Yes this can be repaired. How? By Talking it through with your Dom. Establish a safeword. Something that can't be mistaken for anything other than "Hey I'm not handling this well at all we need to stop and/or slow down a second." Daddy and I have used the word "Yellow" for that and the word "Red" for "everything must stop now."

It isn't hopeless... Just give him and yourself a chance.

I would appreciate it if someone who is a Dom or a sub could respond to these questions, thank you up front!

I hope I haven't offended you in anyway... You asked for concise answers so I didn't pull any punches. Of course these are just my opinions, your mileage may vary vastly and all that jazz. I hope your journey gets better and you stick around. You've made an awesome first post here. You really made me think today. Thanks.

 

[nh23]

Greetings!


7) (Personal question from myself) A sub often craves attention, and it is one of my personal concerns that I will get on my masters nerves. I feel insecure in my need and often not responded to in any way that can settle my mind. How can a sub best balance out her / his needs so as not to put too much pressure on the Dom? Or is this a sign that I am not being fulfilled in our relationship, or that my Dom might need some training or pointers?

All very good questions but this one in particular caught my eye. I think that it's a misconception that all submissive women crave attention. I'll agree that if someone is more of a do me bottom that it's about attention. But for most submissive women or slaves..well we tend to be very self sacrificing. It's not about attention. Good Luck!

 

[snowbyte]

1) How can a submissive maintain a healthy self-esteem in this type of relationship?

I had a sub once that had admitted self-esteem issues. Abusive bfs, bad Doms, etc... It made some of the humiliation aspects of play a bit dicey at first. The important thing for her to deal with the conflict was to understand that although I might be humiliating her, it was not my intent to damage her self-esteem. This still was definitely edge-play for her but it did help her improve over time.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I was reading over a few questions on another “how to” about a dome / sub relationship and the individuals responsibilities, and I felt the questions were extremely good. However there never was a clear answer to them, so I wanted to post them here as they also concern me as I’ve just started out in a very light internet power exchange.

Likely the reason why there was no clear answer is because it varies for each person, each relationship, actual dynamics, so what might be right for me, may not be right for you.

1) How can a submissive maintain a healthy self-esteem in this type of relationship?

The easy answer for me is to say it helps to have a healthy self esteem to begin with, know what it is you need and want, and have the strength to not submit to something which doesn't fit you just because you are either told you should do so if you are serious, or because you want a relationship at any cost even if it contradicts and contravenes the terms you were looking for and willing to accept. It helps immensely to know yourself and know what a relationship such as you are seeking entails and means to the one/s you become involved with.

2) Let's say a Dom and Sub are husband and wife and one decides they are no longer interested in the lifestyle, can they return to a vanilla relationship?

Once again, it depends on those involved. It can be that one is willing to sacrifice their need to remain with the other; it could be that a compromise can be reached; it could be that if it were the PYL wanting to return to vanilla that with a stretch the pyl could see that returning the relationship to vanilla is submissive in itself; it can also be that the relationship ends. Whichever way it goes, it requires talking and listening with an open mind and heart from all involved.

3) When I hear about the punishments and beatings, how does this affect the sub physically and emotionally?

Once again it depends on those involved, what they both need and enjoy, and the dynamics involved and understood. Without some form on consistency and communication, at least in the early stages, it can be a disaster.

4) Can a woman who is pierced in the nipples nurse a child?

I will leave this to those more experienced in such areas.

5) How can a Dom / Sub pair with children manage to keep alive their personal preferences, and still hold a healthy family life?

By being mature and adult about it and recognising what is and isn't appropraite around children, and also how that is likely to impact in their lives. IMHO there is no necessity for anyone other that those directly within a D/s (etc.) relationship to know what the dynamics and type of relationship is. You can have a 24/7 relationship without anyone else knowing, if that is what you want and what works best for your relationship. Many, oursleves included, do not go to parties, clubs, munches, or have a network of lifestyle friends. What we do and how we live has nothing to do with anyone but us, and we do not see that it needs to be on display for or overtly evident to anyone else.

6) What about the risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancy? We all know that prevention simply fails from time to time.

Once again, acting responsibly is the best idea. Not all relationships involve others, nor do they need to. People in mainstream marriages/relationships also are open to STD's from partners who may have cheated without their knowledge...same goes for pregnancy. If pregnancy is not wanted, be responsible and perhaps when playing with others if that is something you wish to do, use more than one form of birth control and be extra vigilant about safer sex practices. Bottom line there is no such thing as safe sex, you can only do your best to be 'safer', not guaranteed 'safe'. Think about those things before taking the leap, not after.

7) (Personal question from myself) A sub often craves attention, and it is one of my personal concerns that I will get on my masters nerves. I feel insecure in my need and often not responded to in any way that can settle my mind. How can a sub best balance out her / his needs so as not to put too much pressure on the Dom? Or is this a sign that I am not being fulfilled in our relationship, or that my Dom might need some training or pointers?

If attention is a want of yours, best idea is to find a partner who is happy with that. For us it isn't an issue as I don't require attention, and my purpose is to fulfil his needs, not the other way around. If you feel you will require high maintanence, be very upfront about it and make sure anyone you are seeking a relationship knows and accepts this about you. Failing that, look at if there is a particular reason you feel drives the need for such attention. If there is, such as boredom with your own company, insecurity etc., work on those areas so you can get past it and not be feeling so needy.

8) If the dom has somehow pushed the sub to far, and they both realise what made the incident possible, is it possible for them to repair the damage and continue? Had such an incident recently,where I did not give clear enough signals and he got too carried away. Needless to say it has really killed my lust, and I haven't felt like any sort of intimacy for over a week. Can it be repaired, and how?

Did I misread or did you say you had only just begun this relationship and it was internet based? If so, and you are only in the beginning phases, I would suggest you have not had sufficient time to develop a deep level of trust to begin with....as such, it is going to be easy to shake it. If it was online, I am assuming you mean you were emotionally hurt, not physically? You also mentioned you had not given clear signals as to what was happening for you. This is not uncommon, but also requires the submissive take responsibility for their actions, or inaction, and not lay all the blame and subsequent outcome at the feet of the Dominant.

No-one is infallible, just as they are not mind readers. One of the most important things to remember is that unless you communicate about how you feel etc., you cannot then feel abused by another who was only in good faith doing what they thought you were enjoying, and which you had given no indication you weren't. Make sense? If you can start to put things into perspective, take a share of responsibility, it will make returning to where you were before this happened, that much easier.


Catalina

 

[Kathykitten]

Well I am glad that I can say that I mainly blame myself and not my domme for what occured, I did not give him appropriate signals. We use "green, yellow and red" as signals, and have found they work very well as long as I speak up.

But see I'm a people-pleaser by nature, and my willingness and eager to please him endangers me, especially when he wishes to proove a point by adding pressure. He admitted that he failed to fully understand that I was already pushing myself extremely far for him on my own.

Yes it is still internetbased, I use a webcam and voicechat and he gives the orders, works very well for two nervous ppl just wanting to try out slowly with some mature fun

 

[catalina_francisco]

But see I'm a people-pleaser by nature, and my willingness and eager to please him endangers me, especially when he wishes to proove a point by adding pressure.

I guess then one way to maybe prevent this happening again is instead of excusing what happened on your being a people pleaser, look at whether it actually pleased for your Dom to find you had felt abused because of their actions (or instructions to you and your following them without safewording). What actually would have been pleasing? It is not usually very pleasing to be in the position of someone telling you they suffered beyond what was acceptable because they wanted to please you, or make you happy, or do something for you to please....at the end of the day it has the opposite outcome and can be more about doing what pleases you, more so than submitting and doing what will please the PYL. I know even in a vanilla sense, when people have told me they did xyz to please me or because they felt or thought it was best for me, it came with a lot of expected obligation from them for me to then bend over backwards in gratitude. I know it sounds harsh, but think on it and perhaps put yourself in their position to perhaps see what I am trying to say not so well at this late hour.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

I guess then one way to maybe prevent this happening again is instead of excusing what happened on your being a people pleaser, look at whether it actually pleased for your Dom to find you had felt abused because of their actions (or instructions to you and your following them without safewording). What actually would have been pleasing? It is not usually very pleasing to be in the position of someone telling you they suffered beyond what was acceptable because they wanted to please you, or make you happy, or do something for you to please....at the end of the day it has the opposite outcome and can be more about doing what pleases you, more so than submitting and doing what will please the PYL. I know even in a vanilla sense, when people have told me they did xyz to please me or because they felt or thought it was best for me, it came with a lot of expected obligation from them for me to then bend over backwards in gratitude. I know it sounds harsh, but think on it and perhaps put yourself in their position to perhaps see what I am trying to say not so well at this late hour.

Catalina

Yeah, that. ^^^^

Keep in mind that you don't have to bend over backwards for anybody who calls himself a Dom. If you read some of the threads here, yeah, you see a lot of subs/slaves talking about all these crazy, out-there things they've done for their Dom/mes, I know. But the kind of trust it took to do those things didn't come about overnight, and pushing too hard too fast is the quickest way to squelch the development of that kind of trust.

I like to please, too. But a sense of self-preservation should take precedence over the desire to please, particularly in a new relationship. And a responsible Dom/me's not going to expect you to do something utterly ridiculous until they've proven themselves to you.

I could go on and on, but I won't. Judging from your posts in this thread, though, if I were you, I'd take a long look at myself, a look at what it means to be submissive, and realize that a relationship is not a substitute for being comfortable in your own skin.

 

[YourCaptor]

The following is going to be more opinion then law, so you know, read critically.

1) How can a submissive maintain a healthy self-esteem in this type of relationship?

I think the key here is to remember that a sub is not equal to a dom, or even vanillas, your self esteem will come from different things. For example a dom or a vanilla will generally take a hit to their self esteem if they are made to kiss somebody's ass, while for the typical sub, this often actually boosts their feeling of acceptance and therefore boosts their self esteem.

If you take punishment particularly hard, and it diminishes your self esteem, communication with your dom will be your best rout to go. Most likely the punishment is meant to fix the issue, not to make it worse.

I think you just need to accept yourself more, accept the things you want as apposed to what society wants you to want. Live by your standards, even if that means living by another persons standards.

2) Let's say a Dom and Sub are husband and wife and one decides they are no longer interested in the lifestyle, can they return to a vanilla relationship?

I am assuming you mean the couple staying together and simply having a vanilla sex life. For me thats a big no, unless for some reason I turned vanilla, and then I really couldn't tell you what would happen. I imagine this would create just another conflict in interest.

3) When I hear about the punishments and beatings, how does this affect the sub physically and emotionally?

It teaches, its meant as a tangible mile stone the sub can look back on, know it is really their, feel that it is their, and correct themselves. Not to mention that it is exiting, and will probably result in some form of positive reinforcement later on.

4) Can a woman who is pierced in the nipples nurse a child?

No clue, sorry.

5) How can a Dom / Sub pair with children manage to keep alive their personal preferences, and still hold a healthy family life?

I think this just goes back to your typical parenting question. How do you raise your child to be good without implanting any biases?

The social acceptance of BDSM will also effect your kid, so keep that in mind.

6) What about the risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancy? We all know that prevention simply fails from time to time.

I am monogamous, and demand paper work before getting in bed. As for prevention, pull out, thats what I do about 99% of the time, if you really want you can stick it back in her ass or throat and then cum. Also keep a calender of her menstrual cycle, then you know which days you could get away with being a little careless.

Personally cuming inside my SO pussy is a very special activity reserved only for special occasions. But then I am a romantic

7) (Personal question from myself) A sub often craves attention, and it is one of my personal concerns that I will get on my masters nerves. I feel insecure in my need and often not responded to in any way that can settle my mind. How can a sub best balance out her / his needs so as not to put too much pressure on the Dom? Or is this a sign that I am not being fulfilled in our relationship, or that my Dom might need some training or pointers?

Personally I think thats cute, and I got ways of dealing with you if you get on my nerves. All depends on your dom, we are not all the same you know.

You could get him a role of duct tape, or a gag, by the sound of things, a gift he will appreciate.

Also, talk to him about it, you should be very open when getting into a relationship like this.

8) If the dom has somehow pushed the sub to far, and they both realise what made the incident possible, is it possible for them to repair the damage and continue? Had such an incident recently,where I did not give clear enough signals and he got too carried away. Needless to say it has really killed my lust, and I haven't felt like any sort of intimacy for over a week. Can it be repaired, and how?

Yes, start small again, make sure he will pay attention to you more, if you need to, do a trust exercise, cuddle, grope, grind, soon enough you will be drooling with lust. If not, get a therapists help.

Good luck in your adventure.

 

[Maxell46]

I was reading this thread thinking you had real life going on....
You have recieved some really good advice from people here!
Then I read your only internet and camming/voice some wanna be Dom who obviously needs to grow up and chill out...
Sorry he made you feel so awful.
Someone said this:I'm an adult and as such responsible for my own actions.
You need to read that and then read it again!

I don't mean to come off so critical.But it does piss me off when some of these "Doms" push way beyond what they should!
Keeping your finger on the pulse of your submissive is rule #1.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Note all my responses are based solely on my own personal experiences and opinions, and are in no way to be taken as incontrovertible facts. I am a Dominant, not a God.

1) How can a submissive maintain a healthy self-esteem in this type of relationship?

Yes, in fact I have watched the self-esteem of my submissive rise greatly as we have moved along the path of our relationship. The key is to be sure that you are being a submissive because that is what you want and are comfortable with. The key to self-esteem is to be happy with one's self.

2) Let's say a Dom and Sub are husband and wife and one decides they are no longer interested in the lifestyle, can they return to a vanilla relationship?

That depends on the two people involved. I was just discussing the Lifestyle with a close friend of mine today, and I said that there are as many ways to live it as there are people who are in it. The same is true on phasing it out. It depends on the connection and the relationship between the two people.

3) When I hear about the punishments and beatings, how does this affect the sub physically and emotionally?

Well, it has been my experience that my submissive hated the idea of being punished even more than the punishment itself. Just knowing that she disappointed me more often than not hurt her more than the punishment itself. IMO, the key is after the punishment to reassure that its over and done with and its time to move on.

4) Can a woman who is pierced in the nipples nurse a child?

I would inquire this of someone in the medical profession.

5) How can a Dom / Sub pair with children manage to keep alive their personal preferences, and still hold a healthy family life?

Very easily. Its the same as a 'nilla relationship around the kids, its behind closed doors. This is a subject that my submissive and I have discussed a lot because she has three kids. (And it was also addressed in the aforementioned conversation with my friend.) The key to D/s lies in the hearts and minds and interaction more than anything else. When I was back there, even when surrounded at one point by her kids and her friend's kids and her friend's sister's kids, the D/s was palpable to us, and the kids had no clue.

6) What about the risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancy? We all know that prevention simply fails from time to time.

Take the same precautions as you would in a 'nilla situation.

7) (Personal question from myself) A sub often craves attention, and it is one of my personal concerns that I will get on my masters nerves. I feel insecure in my need and often not responded to in any way that can settle my mind. How can a sub best balance out her / his needs so as not to put too much pressure on the Dom? Or is this a sign that I am not being fulfilled in our relationship, or that my Dom might need some training or pointers?

This depends on the relationship. Some Doms, such as myself, are fine with a high maitainence submissive. The key for a sub to remember is that her Dominant's needs are the priority. And be sure that your needs as a submissive are in line with his needs as a Dominant before you accept his collar.

8) If the dom has somehow pushed the sub to far, and they both realise what made the incident possible, is it possible for them to repair the damage and continue? Had such an incident recently,where I did not give clear enough signals and he got too carried away. Needless to say it has really killed my lust, and I haven't felt like any sort of intimacy for over a week. Can it be repaired, and how?

As I said in my intro, I am a Dominant, not a God. I am going to make mistakes, and when I do I am harder on myself than anyone could be. Understand that he is going to make mistakes, communicate your feelings over it, listen to what he has to say and move on. If it is a mistake that seriously harmed your trust to the point where you don't feel its reparable, then you have to reassess your role in the relationship. Without trust on both ends, one cannot maintain a D/s relationship.

I started on-line and have had real time expience. I made mistakes along the way. I am sure that if rose sees this post next time she logs in, she'll vouch for that. The point is not to be consumed by the mistakes, and move on.

I wish you all the best in your journey in this lifestyle, and I will close with my standard sage advice that I can't remember whether I heard it somewhere or came up with it myself, but remember: This lifestyle is a journey and not a sprint. There is no destination, so enjoy the path you take.

 

[spndrft]

Greetings!

2) Let's say a Dom and Sub are husband and wife and one decides they are no longer interested in the lifestyle, can they return to a vanilla relationship?

4) Can a woman who is pierced in the nipples nurse a child?

2) bottom line - honesty and communication. a marriage is a relationship between individuals, and each marriage is as different as the individuals in them. people change - in different ways, at different rates, and at different times. negotiating that change in a long term relationship takes work. it is important to be honest with yourself about what you need to be you, and to be honest with your partner about that too. if you're a 24/7 lifestyle person no amount of loving your partner will magically make you 100% vanilla. on the other hand, many of us live somewhere in between.

4) in my medical geekiness i just had to know... so i looked it up. unfortunately there weren't many clear answers but this is the best I found (American Family Physician medical journal article 2005):

"Before nipple and areolae piercings, men and women should be counseled about the lengthy time required for complete healing and the risk of delayed infection. Abscess formation has been reported following nipple piercing... The effects of nipple piercings on lactation are not clear, but jewelry or scar tissue could impair latching on or block a milk duct and adversely affect an infant's ability to breastfeed."

translation: infection is the biggest problem. FYI it takes 2-4 months to heal. some of us are more sensitive to infection, for instance if you have diabetes or problems with high blood sugar. as far as breast feeding - not 100% sure, but if you have a scar around the piercing it might block the milk or get in baby's way. otherwise it should be ok. will you get a scar that will cause a problem? don't know. if you're the kind of person who sometimes gets big crazy scars from teeny tiny little cuts, i'd be wary.

 

[WickedEve]

1) How can a submissive maintain a healthy self-esteem in this type of relationship?
In my vanilla marriage, I had low self-esteem. In my D/s relationship, low self-esteem is not a problem. For me, it had nothing to do with a vanilla relationship or a D/s one. I was weak when I was married and my ex-husband chipped away at my self-esteem. My Dom doesn't. I think a good dom would be more pleased to have a strong, confident sub than a weak one. I can't see much pleasure in dominating/owning a weak person that would probably submit to anyone stronger.

2) Let's say a Dom and Sub are husband and wife and one decides they are no longer interested in the lifestyle, can they return to a vanilla relationship?
I think that's a question for the individual to answer. Personally, I couldn't and wouldn't return to vanilla.

3) When I hear about the punishments and beatings, how does this affect the sub physically and emotionally?
I'm sure it's different for everyone. Again, I can only speak for myself. I usually like my beatings. Of course, I'm with a dom who understands me and knows how far to push me.

5) How can a Dom / Sub pair with children manage to keep alive their personal preferences, and still hold a healthy family life?
My dom and I do not live in the same house, but we each have children at home. We do our best to keep everything private and so far we're successful. It's pretty much like any couple. We have private time some days when the kids are in school, or when mine are with my parents, and his with his ex, etc. We always find a way.

6) What about the risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancy? We all know that prevention simply fails from time to time.
Practice safe sex, like any bdsm/vanilla relationship. If it fails? Get tested.

7) (Personal question from myself) A sub often craves attention, and it is one of my personal concerns that I will get on my masters nerves. I feel insecure in my need and often not responded to in any way that can settle my mind. How can a sub best balance out her / his needs so as not to put too much pressure on the Dom? Or is this a sign that I am not being fulfilled in our relationship, or that my Dom might need some training or pointers?
I don't think it's a matter of a "dom" needing training or pointers. A dom or sub can have relationship problems simply because most relationships have moments when someone feels that their needs aren't being met. Talk to your dom like you'd talk with any partner. Tell him your concerns. Work it out now or you'll regret it later.

8) If the dom has somehow pushed the sub to far, and they both realise what made the incident possible, is it possible for them to repair the damage and continue? Had such an incident recently,where I did not give clear enough signals and he got too carried away. Needless to say it has really killed my lust, and I haven't felt like any sort of intimacy for over a week. Can it be repaired, and how?
Uh... have you talked to him? That's the easiest way to get started in understanding each other.

 

[FurryFury]

This is turning into a pretty wonderful thread. I don't have time to detail my answers to this right now. Probably I would simply say things everyone else has already and said in a better way that I would.