Are Humans Meant to be Monogamous?

AllardChardon

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Are Humans Meant to be Monogamous? by Jeanna Bryner

News of politicians' extramarital affairs seems to be in no short supply lately, but if humans were cut from exactly the same cloth as other mammals, a faithful spouse would be an unusual phenomenon.

Only 3 percent to 5 percent of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals (including humans) are known to form lifelong, monogamous bonds, with the loyal superstars including beavers, wolves and some bats.

Social monogamy is a term referring to creatures that pair up to mate and raise offspring but still have flings. Sexually monogamous pairs mate with only with one partner. So a cheating husband who detours for a romantic romp yet returns home in time to tuck in the kids at night would be considered socially monogamous.

Beyond that, scientists' definitions for monogamy vary.

Evolutionary psychologists have suggested that men are more likely to have extramarital sex, partially due to the male urge to "spread genes" by broadcasting sperm. Both males and females, these scientists say, try to up their evolutionary progress by seeking out high-quality mates, albeit in different ways.

The committed partnership between a man and a woman evolved, some say, for the well-being of children.

"The human species has evolved to make commitments between males and females in regards to raising their offspring, so this is a bond," said Jane Lancaster, an evolutionary anthropologist at the University of New Mexico. "However that bond can fit into all kinds of marriage patterns - polygyny, single parenthood, monogamy."

The human species is somewhat unique amongst mammals in that fathers do invest in raising children.

"We do know that in humans we do have this pretty strong pair bond, and there's more paternal investment than in most other primates," said Daniel Kruger, a social and evolutionary psychologist at the University of Michigan's School of Public Health. "We're special in this regard, but at the same time like most mammals, we are a polygynous species." Kruger said humans are considered "mildly polygynous," in which a male mates with more than one female.

Whether or not the married or otherwise committed individuals stray for sex depends on the costs and benefits.

"There is plenty of evidence that males have less to lose than females by having extramarital sex," Lancaster said. "Having less to lose, it's easier for them to do it."

Women, however, could lose "dad's" resources when it comes to raising their kids. "For women, the well-being of their children is not improved by promiscuity," Lancaster told LiveScience.

Some scientists view both social and sexual monogamy in humans as a societal structure rather than a natural state.

"I don't think we are a monogamous animal," said Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle. "A really monogamous animal is a goose - which never mates again even if its mate is killed."

She added, "Monogamy is invented for order and investment - but not necessarily because it's 'natural.'"



Well, I was monogamous while raising my four children, and halfway through said, "Fuck it", left the boring old man in the dust and went out to have fun at 40, a time when women can act like 16 year old boys.

That was my attempt at monogamy, 13 years of sheer boredom.
 
My attempt at monogamy also failed, although I never stopped loving my wife... however, she was unable to deal with the idea that we could form a workable relationship outside the societal norm. She wants her "everything to each other, my one and only" and I tried to live that way as long as I could... ultimately, it was literally destroying me.

I hope she finds that man, I really do... but it is not me, although she wishes it was...
 
I have my own term, honestly I don't know if I heard it somewhere or it popped out of my brain. I consider myself to be a serial monogamist.

I am monogamous within a serious relationship, always have been. But I am not suited to staying with in a single relationship for long periods of time. I tried once. I was married for 15 years, and left the marriage completely lost. It has taken me a long time to understand and accept myself in that sense. I don't completely discount the possibility that it could happen to me, but neither do I wait for "my prince to come". (no pun intended)

I have been in a poly relationship and in open relationships in which each of us "played" with others. These relationships worked because we were honest and open with each other about our feelings, emotions and expectations.

I don't believe you can cast a blanket across all humans. I know friends who have been monogamous for 20 years and are completely happy and whole within that relationship. It suits them. I have others who cannot seem to be faithful for 15 minutes. Neither is right or wrong, as long as we are honest with ourselves, and our partners.
 
Yes, we want it our way. Until that way doesn't work and then it is too late.

My husband of 13 years was so screwed up by the Catholic dogma that sex with his wife was bad if she wanted to do something bad, like suck his cock. Oh no. God might see, stop that, right now.

Plus, he knew I wanted sex, so it was the perfect thing to use against me, by denying me sex. I lived in the desert, I tell you, for 13 years. Then I found water, again. Thank God for that.

I forget where I read it, but among my native american studies I ran into a tribe where the women choose the man, bring him into her tepee. If she changes her mind and no longer wants that man, she asks him to leave and invites her new lover in. No big deal, except to the man left out in the cold. Maybe it was Little Big Man.

Anyway, if I could run my life like that, I would invite two braves into my tepee and stay in there day and night. I guess I am greedy. I would only come out to vacate, get some nourishment and bathe in the river. Just dreaming, again, I suppose.
 
Serial Monogamy has been used to define the divorce/remarriage cycle. At one time it was unacceptable, now it seems to be a norm. I'm predicting that within my lifetime polygamy of whatever configuration you want will be legal. But then, I've said the same thing about legalizing marijuana and you can see how accurate that was. Perhaps I just have a case of advance wishful thinking. :rolleyes:
 


Evolution and sociobiology, for all their wisdom, did not predispose most members of the male sex of h. sapiens to be monogamous.

Given half a chance, many of us endowed with XY chromosomes will yield to temptation. As for myself, I find that one relationship at a time is confusing enough. Two, prosecuted simultaneously, would send me directly to the nut house.

 
I've never been monogamous by nature, and I've been married for thirty years.

A married man that I had an affair with once-- I was scolding him for cheating on his wife. I know, sounds hypocritical, doesn't it? But I knew her, and I admired her, and I really hated to think of how hurt she was going to be-- this man tomcatted all over the place.

He said "I can be faithful, and I have been faithful-- but not to to her." :(

That was a helluva long time ago. Since then, my values have matured, and my own impulses aren't paramount-- I will not fuck a married person who is cheating.
 
Having been in only one serious relationship I have insufficient data to respond.

However it occurred to me earlier today when I was talking with a woman on line that I'm in a polyamorous situation in cyberspace. I've got several women I play with.

I rather enjoy it. Although I confess I'd rather be monogamous. Don't know how much of that is social training though.

Still working on it.
 
I think that everyone needs a variety of people in their lives to fill various needs. There are very few (from what I've seen) who get lucky enough to marry/stay with someone who fulfills them emotionally, sexually, and intellectually in all their fields of interest.

For all the talk about "marry your best friend", it's much more socially acceptable to marry someone you could fuck day and night and have a best friend on the side.

I'm still an optimist though, aiming to have it all :D
 
My husband and I have been married for six years and we've come to the conclusion that we're not monogamous people either. Right now we're unsure what we want; we're afraid that if we open up our marriage to allow sex with others, we'll hurt each other and ourselves, but at the same time we're afraid that if we try and stay faithful we'll both slowly die inside.

The best way I can put how we feel is something he said to me: "I want to be able to go out and fuck any woman I want whenever I want, but I want all those women to be you." Vice versa for me.

Right now we've agreed to evaluate things on a case-by-case basis, and keep talking, talking, talking. He had an affair four years ago and knows he killed me by lying to me about it. When I thought about it then and when I think about it now, had he just said he wanted to go screw her for awhile, and been open with me about it, I would have had much, much less of a problem. I can't say that I would have liked it back then but I also hadn't had six years of marriage to think things through like this and wonder if it wouldn't be better for us to allow sex on the side.

I've been told that because there's no social acceptance of such a marriage in this country, we're setting ourselves up for divorce. Maybe. But I also know that being with others can make two people appreciate what they have at home that much more. My belief is that couples HAVE to be able to make their own rules for how to govern their relationship. Society, IMO, has no business telling couples how they HAVE to live and behave.

Sex is sex. Love is love. Sex and lovemaking are, in my opinion, two different things. I wholly believe that two people can truly love each other and build a life together, and be unable to see themselves trying to build a life with someone else, yet still have sex on the side. Monogamy *is* a societal construct and instead of creating the safe, stable environment that we continue to think remaining faithful creates, it can be destructive to all involved, but particularly to the children when the parents either get sick of each other and go their separate ways, or are forced their separate ways by an affair or three. Or both.

Fifty years ago that may have been true. Two hundred years ago that may have been true. I didn't live back then so I don't know. But you have people like a lot of us here who have come to terms with the fact that we just are not monogamous people, and are understanding of others who aren't as well. And that's a growing number. We may indeed see much more acceptance of extra-marital sex sometime soon.
 
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An archeologist friend of mine maintains one woman was selected over other women by the men because she was the most sexual and could handle the most men at once, back in ancient times, of course.

Women became multi-orgasmal and were able to get hotter and hotter with each successive partner, keeping everyone including herself completely entertained. Such an engaging girl!

These oversexed women became the mothers of us all. Not by the group act, but by the one the woman selected, the one that looked the best, smelled the best and fit the best. We are all descended from fabulous fuckers, after all.

I also heard that sperm of several men released inside one pussy at one time will negate each other. Women were less vulnerable to becoming pregnant while pulling a train and having a wonderful time. That is a plus plus situation, if you ask me. I like my men in multiples, even though I no longer fear pregnancy.
 
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I've been told that because there's no social acceptance of such a marriage in this country, we're setting ourselves up for divorce. Maybe. But I also know that being with others can make two people appreciate what they have at home that much more. My belief is that couples HAVE to be able to make their own rules for how to govern their relationship. Society, IMO, has no business telling couples how they HAVE to live and behave.

Sex is sex. Love is love. Sex and lovemaking are, in my opinion, two different things. I wholly believe that two people can truly love each other and build a life together, and be unable to see themselves trying to build a life with someone else, yet still have sex on the side. Monogamy *is* a societal construct and instead of creating the safe, stable environment that we continue to think remaining faithful creates, it can be destructive to all involved, but particularly to the children when the parents either get sick of each other and go their separate ways, or are forced their separate ways by an affair or three. Or both.

Fifty years ago that may have been true. Two hundred years ago that may have been true. I didn't live back then so I don't know. But you have people like a lot of us here who have come to terms with the fact that we just are not monogamous people, and are understanding of others who aren't as well. And that's a growing number. We may indeed see much more acceptance of extra-marital sex sometime soon.

Nicely put. I would agree. The only ones who should define a relationship are the ones involved. May take society a while to catch on to this idea. Until then we still have to keep some aspects of our relationship private. But I like that.:kiss:
 
Are Humans Meant to be Monogamous?

Can't speak for all humans, but this one's not.

I am extraordinarily faithful, but I am not monogamous. Besides, fidelity is not a sexual concept to me. It is rooted in honesty -- in all aspects of one's relationship, not just sex. Betrayal is betrayal, on any level.

I will never again promise what I cannot deliver. I will only promise truth.
 
Katyusha,

You comment (which was bolded by sweetness) is almost verbatim out of a book. Check this out, as it may answer many of your questions and fears. It sets up guidelines for being honest above all else, and using that honesty to form whatever relationdance that you need the most. I can't agree with it all, but there's an astounding amount of the book that rings true/makes sense. Above all, the book is very open/non-judgmental in detailing and examining relations issues.

http://www.relationdancing.com/RDintro.htm (note: the intro is probably the worst part of the book--it gets better and makes more concrete sense as it progresses)

Hope this helps--I wish you the best in your journey.
 
With regards to the definition of monogamy that my husband and I share, we are monogamous in our lovemaking, but we have been known to "fuck around" with the other's knowledge and permission.
 
With regards to the definition of monogamy that my husband and I share, we are monogamous in our lovemaking, but we have been known to "fuck around" with the other's knowledge and permission.

Monogamous in the moment...
 
I've been married and faithful to one woman for nigh on forth years. She was my first and my only . . . so far. Things can always change, but everyone must be happy.
 
Truth is everything. I believe that this world will continue to divide into factions, those who lie and those who speakl the truth, with the truth and light winning, of course. Kinda like Obama on one side and Bush on the other.

When people talk of 2012, the end of the Mayan Calendar and time as we know it, I think they are really speaking of the battle between truth and lies. As simple as that.

Once we, as humans, give up the need to hide who we are and stop doing destructive things in darkness, we may learn to accept each other and get along. What a concept.

I have chosen to be on the side of the truth-tellers, even if it hurts a little, sometimes. I live near Mt. Shasta, CA, and there are alot of 'new agers' around here who like to fortell the future, including dire earth changes.

What better place to practice truth than our relationships? My family has learned that if they do not want to hear the truth from me, they had better not ask me in the first place.

It simplies life on one hand and complicates it on the other. My ex, being a Catholic, was taught to lie by his family and the church. I expose his lies whenever I am up to the task, which is rarely recieved well, and rest in peace knowing truth is the right path to be on at this juncture.
 
Okay, I don't normally see JBJ's posts so I don't need to deal with them...

But I am inviting you to explain, JBJ, how continuing to exist in a relationship where I was deeply unhappy (and it was edging into my lifestyle, health and parenting) is somehow better than being fiercely pleased at my current relationship and it's doctrine of mutual respect and openness without being limited in our sexual horizons.

I can flirt with the gorgeous Sweetness and Honey (and others, this is NOT a list thing) and hold onto the thrilling hope that maybe, someday, if it all works out and every body likes the idea I can actually make good on that flirting. And my partner will laugh and smile and enjoy my excitement about it, in multiple ways. Yes, the responsibilities are different. You REALLY have to share your feelings. It is an adjustment that I am not always making well, but she forgives me that as long as I am really trying and doing my best. And I go through my day without fear of someone coming across an email, without fear that I will smile in the wrong way at the wrong time... Without having to hide ME.

You want to tell me how that is corrupting my soul? Compared to feeling persecuted by the person that was supposed to support me the most? Compared to living a life where I feared to make another woman smile? Compared to being fifty pounds overweight, with high cholesterol and acid-reflux, compared to spending 10 hours at work and then 6 in front of a computer game, out of contact with my family while in the same room with them and out of touch with "dangerous' reality?

Your drive-by blanket statement all-or-nothing post is the infantile refuge of a person too afraid to see others live a complex life. Maybe you are happy in a traditional monogamous relationship... that's wonderful. My ex wishes I could have been more like you and for years I wished that about myself as well. I'm glad you have what you want.

I want something different, and I would only ask that you allow me my difference while I allow you yours. Because your way was fucking killing me, literally.
 
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