On the flip-side

[SweetGigi]

Since things came to a close with Jim I have had this overwhelming and constant desire to locate someone to 'hurt'. Not just a random someone, but particularly someone who wants to be hurt and who possibly requires it. I completely understand the concept of transference, however even though I've experienced break-ups like this in the past, I've never wanted to seek someone out to hurt before. This desire is so strong I've even had several dreams about it- each more vivid and inflicting than the next. My question is this: while I know this is a 'normal' reaction, I am more concerned with if it is healthy and how to purge this desire in a healthy fashion. Any and all suggestions are welcome.

 

[Bandit58]

Hi Gigi - might I suggest a punching bag or boxing class at the gym I do this to relieve stress and it's a great way to get fit too. After I get home I feel much more relaxed and "in control" as it were.

 

[SweetGigi]

Hi Gigi - might I suggest a punching bag or boxing class at the gym I do this to relieve stress and it's a great way to get fit too. After I get home I feel much more relaxed and "in control" as it were.

Nope, not gonna work. I worked with my daddy's punching bag last Friday morning and all it did was make me want to torture someone even more so. It was (still is) a prevailing thought. I just wish I knew if it is healthy to want to enact these feelings.

 

[cherokee_dove]

Gigi,

You said that you felt like you wanted to hurt someone because of this breakup. Question for you is: Is that person you want to hurt involved with the reasons behind the breakup or not?

You should ask yourself that, and if so; were they deliberately trying to make you and your SO breakup?

If so, i feel for you; because first instincts are to hurt them badly. But take a step back, look at the big picture. Such as these.

1. If you have kids, and you end up in jail; who will take care of them?
2. If you end up dead, who would take care of them?
3. Is the ex SO REALLY worth losing all your kids, freedom, friends, etc.

If none of those apply, then go ahead and beat the crap out of her, but remember; you take the chance of not only already losing the SO, but your freedom also.

If it is just someone that wants to be hurt, and not involved with the breakup; invite them to a training match for sparring or kick boxing...something that you can use to take out your angers safely; without fear of possibly being arrested.

Because whether you have kids or not, jail is not a good place to end up; and when the rush of anger, pain, and hurt come out after a breakup, it is best to channel that negative energy into something positive. Such as better health for you.

Hope all works out for you in the end

 

[Homburg]

Since things came to a close with Jim I have had this overwhelming and constant desire to locate someone to 'hurt'. Not just a random someone, but particularly someone who wants to be hurt and who possibly requires it. I completely understand the concept of transference, however even though I've experienced break-ups like this in the past, I've never wanted to seek someone out to hurt before. This desire is so strong I've even had several dreams about it- each more vivid and inflicting than the next. My question is this: while I know this is a 'normal' reaction, I am more concerned with if it is healthy and how to purge this desire in a healthy fashion. Any and all suggestions are welcome.

This is going to be all sorts of radical, but might I suggest ... finding someone who wants to be hurt. And, then, y'know, hurting that person.

Crazy, I know.

But seriously, you're asking a board populated by people who hurt and get hurt for recreational reasons. I'm pretty sure that most folks here would consider it healthy so long as it was SSC/RACK.

 

[SweetGigi]

Gigi,

You said that you felt like you wanted to hurt someone because of this breakup. Question for you is: Is that person you want to hurt involved with the reasons behind the breakup or not?

You should ask yourself that, and if so; were they deliberately trying to make you and your SO breakup?

If so, i feel for you; because first instincts are to hurt them badly. But take a step back, look at the big picture. Such as these.

1. If you have kids, and you end up in jail; who will take care of them?
2. If you end up dead, who would take care of them?
3. Is the ex SO REALLY worth losing all your kids, freedom, friends, etc.

If none of those apply, then go ahead and beat the crap out of her, but remember; you take the chance of not only already losing the SO, but your freedom also.

If it is just someone that wants to be hurt, and not involved with the breakup; invite them to a training match for sparring or kick boxing...something that you can use to take out your angers safely; without fear of possibly being arrested.

Because whether you have kids or not, jail is not a good place to end up; and when the rush of anger, pain, and hurt come out after a breakup, it is best to channel that negative energy into something positive. Such as better health for you.

Hope all works out for you in the end

None of the above apply. This is a unknown and foreign sadist tendency I am feeling brought out by the loss of this particular relationship. Nothing to do with beating or mauling the crap out of someone random or specific even, but rather just feeling someone suffer at my hands for the sheer enjoyment of it on both ends. To know someone is writhing in pain I created and they are eating it up as much as I am. To feel the wetness form between my legs and the shortness of breath that comes with each crack of delicious pain. This isn't merely infliction, this is satisfaction. I woke this morning in a pool of sweat and come from the dreams these desires (among other things) created last night. I feel this is an outlet I'm not gonna be able to ignore. I just don't know how to release it in a healthy and proactive way without damaging myself or someone else or if I even should.

 

[SweetGigi]

This is going to be all sorts of radical, but might I suggest ... finding someone who wants to be hurt. And, then, y'know, hurting that person.

Crazy, I know.

But seriously, you're asking a board populated by people who hurt and get hurt for recreational reasons. I'm pretty sure that most folks here would consider it healthy so long as it was SSC/RACK.

Read my above post, please sir.

 

[intothewoods]

Read my above post, please sir.

I thought he did. Do you have any friends who are self-described maso bottoms? Who might get into this sort of thing? I for one know a frew I could take this up with, if I so had the urge. Their main concern would be, um, do you know what the fuck you're doing? Answer: no. So not sure how we'd deal with that. Perhaps a kindly Top would help.

After a particular experience of mine, I had the opposite experience that you're describing. I was struck often my fantasies of hurting of myself. And not like, hmm, ya know what might be neat...they would just hit me, while I was driving, while I was working. Anytime. They were also very fantastical in nature, and not at all real or gritty. I had the recurring image of plunging knife in my stomach. But I felt no pain and there was no blood. Just the rush of the act of plunging the knife.

It was fucking weird.

 

[PonderingMind]

Just my opinion:

It may be that this break-up has triggered inner feelings, since you stated this urge to hurt someone is foreign and sadistic (Taking it that you are not a sadistic one by nature). The hurt you are feeling has most likely unlocked a hidden desire within you to deliver this hurt onto someone else, not that you are angry with them, you just want to make them feel pain.
As long as the person you choose to be your victim is well aware of your intentions, and are agreeable with same, it might very well be to both of your advantages. You may find this is a one time need for you, and by fulfilling this could quite possibly satisfy the desire, but on the other hand, you may also find that this new desire of yours is something that intrigues you, and that you want to pursue it even more. The only way you are going to answer your question is to fulfill this need, then make your decision.
As far as being healthy?...I think it is always healthy to follow desires and needs, whether they be for one encounter or many. Unless you do you will never know what potential you have or your inner being.
Just make sure you victim is aggreeable, 100%. You don't want an abuse charge against you, and by all means, make sure you understand fully your own limitations, and become knowledgable in the acts you wish to deliver to your victim. Hurting someone is one thing, injuring is somewhere you don't want to go...
Again, just my opinion

 

[Netzach]

I'm also of the mindset that it's totally ethical and fine to find someone who likes this kind of thing done to them, so long as you make it clear that you are in this mindset and in this particular place and there's an element of them being your stress relief.

I don't think it would be hard to find a fairly nice, experienced masochist who finds that prospect very erotic and who can take responsibility enough for their OWN body to teach you a thing or two about how not to screw it up but have fun with it.

 

[SweetGigi]

I thought he did.

To a degree, he did. I am not afraid so much of how I feel, more that I am concerned about what will happen if I enact them. That is what I want to address most. I am sorry if I was not clear.

Do you have any friends who are self-described maso bottoms? Who might get into this sort of thing? I for one know a few I could take this up with, if I so had the urge. Their main concern would be, um, do you know what the fuck you're doing? Answer: no. So not sure how we'd deal with that. Perhaps a kindly Top would help.

After a particular experience of mine, I had the opposite experience that you're describing. I was struck often my fantasies of hurting of myself. And not like, hmm, ya know what might be neat...they would just hit me, while I was driving, while I was working. Anytime. They were also very fantastical in nature, and not at all real or gritty. I had the recurring image of plunging knife in my stomach. But I felt no pain and there was no blood. Just the rush of the act of plunging the knife.

It was fucking weird.

I am sure if this is something I decide to do, I would be able to pin point someone who is willing. As far as the 'do I know what I am doing' aspect- yes and no. Yes I have played some on this level in the past at the behest of my former Amato. (wow, blast from the past) so I am conditioned to a degree for it. No in the fact that I am not a 'true Sadist' and I don't feel personally or knowledgeably equipped at this time to carry out such acts. This, I feel, would require some research and an investment of energy. I suppose I need to decide if I am willing or able to commit to such requirements in order to fulfill this lustful need.

To address your once desire to hurt yourself rather than others- see, this is how I used to feel. I never wanted to 'harm' myself or 'truly' inflict pain, but there was something in me that figured that the pain of something physical would be far better of a pain to endure than the emotional pain I was feeling that moment. THIS makes sense to me... wanting to hurt others in some sort of emotional retribution doesn't.

 

[SweetGigi]

....As far as being healthy?...I think it is always healthy to follow desires and needs, whether they be for one encounter or many. Unless you do you will never know what potential you have or your inner being.
Just make sure you victim is agreeable, 100%. You don't want an abuse charge against you, and by all means, make sure you understand fully your own limitations, and become knowledgeable in the acts you wish to deliver to your victim. Hurting someone is one thing, injuring is somewhere you don't want to go...
Again, just my opinion

I completely understand this. I suppose, as I mentioned before, I am most concerned with whether or not doing this 'now' is a healthy way of dealing with my pain and strife. Is it really ever healthy to transfer your aggression and frustration of one situation to another?

I'm also of the mindset that it's totally ethical and fine to find someone who likes this kind of thing done to them, so long as you make it clear that you are in this mindset and in this particular place and there's an element of them being your stress relief.

So it is ok to use someone as an emotional outlet on this level? Is that really dealing with the issue or is creating another one in turn?

I don't think it would be hard to find a fairly nice, experienced masochist who finds that prospect very erotic and who can take responsibility enough for their OWN body to teach you a thing or two about how not to screw it up but have fun with it.

mmmm, I never thought of it like that... let the maso be the Sadist's instructor? Interesting.

 

[subwannabe]

Please explain your vivid dreams in more detail. Off hand I would say that since you are analyzing this so much I would not think that your thoughts were "unhealthy" or worrisome. These can be thoughts of a true "whacko", but then on the other hand, a true "whacko" would not stop to think about it or ask the questions you are asking. You may just need to release these desires by finding a willing person to let you inflict pain on. Maybe after that your feelings would go away, or maybe they wouldn't. I am still inclined to believe that a true "whacko" would not have the worries you do, so, for the moment, I would give you the green light.

 

[Netzach]

I completely understand this. I suppose, as I mentioned before, I am most concerned with whether or not doing this 'now' is a healthy way of dealing with my pain and strife. Is it really ever healthy to transfer your aggression and frustration of one situation to another?




So it is ok to use someone as an emotional outlet on this level? Is that really dealing with the issue or is creating another one in turn?



mmmm, I never thought of it like that... let the maso be the Sadist's instructor? Interesting.

Oh definitely. That's how I learned most of the good stuff. I don't have a problem learning from someone if that's the parameter and it gets me to the point where I can use it on my own terms - I think we're often SO scared of the dreaded topping from below that it gets us blindered to anything but "the Dominant is always Dominating"

 

[SweetGigi]

Oh definitely. That's how I learned most of the good stuff.

very interesting indeed.

 

[SweetGigi]

I don't have a problem learning from someone if that's the parameter and it gets me to the point where I can use it on my own terms - I think we're often SO scared of the dreaded topping from below that it gets us blindered to anything but "the Dominant is always Dominating"

I suppose that is my fear there, that I would end up having the script flipped on me.

 

[Netzach]

I suppose that is my fear there, that I would end up having the script flipped on me.

If you're with someone who doesn't swing that way it's probably not an issue.

 

[SweetGigi]

It has been posed that my natural submissive character has been suppressing my dominant nature. That these natural tendencies are coming forward in dreams and desires because my true nature is to be sexually top heavy rather than bottom. Also posed is that even though I have extreme emotionally submissive needs and desires, that sexually I am chopping myself off at the knees by being sexually submissive.


anyone?

 

[BiBunny]

It has been posed that my natural submissive character has been suppressing my dominant nature. That these natural tendencies are coming forward in dreams and desires because my true nature is to be sexually top heavy rather than bottom. Also posed is that even though I have extreme emotionally submissive needs and desires, that sexually I am chopping myself off at the knees by being sexually submissive.


anyone?

That's a bit more psychoanalytical than I'd go. I'd just say that it's *really* not as unusual as a lot of people want you to think it is to have both sadistic and masochistic desires or dominant and submissive desires or any combination thereof. There's no reason all those things can't coexist peacefully. But I'd say you need to do a bit of exploring and/or experimenting to figure out what it is you really want.

 

[SweetGigi]

That's a bit more psychoanalytical than I'd go. I'd just say that it's *really* not as unusual as a lot of people want you to think it is to have both sadistic and masochistic desires or dominant and submissive desires or any combination thereof. There's no reason all those things can't coexist peacefully. But I'd say you need to do a bit of exploring and/or experimenting to figure out what it is you really want.

I agree there isn't a clear cookie cutter version of anyone 'type' of kinkster. I too feel there can be any sort of varying degree of combination. I just wanted to throw this out there as someone's interpretation to see what everyone else thinks.

Thank you, Bunny.

 

[Primalex]

Since things came to a close with Jim I have had this overwhelming and constant desire to locate someone to 'hurt'. Not just a random someone, but particularly someone who wants to be hurt and who possibly requires it. I completely understand the concept of transference, however even though I've experienced break-ups like this in the past, I've never wanted to seek someone out to hurt before. This desire is so strong I've even had several dreams about it- each more vivid and inflicting than the next. My question is this: while I know this is a 'normal' reaction, I am more concerned with if it is healthy and how to purge this desire in a healthy fashion. Any and all suggestions are welcome.

I suggest professional counseling.

 

[SweetGigi]

See, I've been thinking of it like this as well: Since our inner daemons are generally worked out in our dreams, I know this has to be on some basic level a primal instinct crawling to the surface; brought on by loss and my inner self mutilating feelings of failure. While I acknowledge and have even physically entertained the idea of being dominant, in some way, in the past I have never given it great thought due to my overwhelming call and desire to serve. (insert the emotional sub vs. sexual dom theory here) So again, the question remains, if this is part of who I am on a primal level and has always been there, why did it take "THIS" particular failure to draw it out?

 

[SweetGigi]

Please explain your vivid dreams in more detail. Off hand I would say that since you are analyzing this so much I would not think that your thoughts were "unhealthy" or worrisome. These can be thoughts of a true "whacko", but then on the other hand, a true "whacko" would not stop to think about it or ask the questions you are asking. You may just need to release these desires by finding a willing person to let you inflict pain on. Maybe after that your feelings would go away, or maybe they wouldn't. I am still inclined to believe that a true "whacko" would not have the worries you do, so, for the moment, I would give you the green light.

I am sorry I over looked this reply.


"Please explain your vivid dreams in more detail."

*giggles* any particular reason why? (if you want, PM me and I'll do so.)

I don't think I am wack-o any more than any other budding kinkster is. If having urges like this, or any other deviant idea or thought for that matter, made us 'wack-o, then every single person on this site needs to be put away. I am an extremely analytical person and I never enter into anything without first purging any worry or fear that comes with a new concept.

 

[Primalex]

See, I've been thinking of it like this as well: Since our inner daemons are generally worked out in our dreams, I know this has to be on some basic level a primal instinct crawling to the surface; brought on by loss and my inner self mutilating feelings of failure. While I acknowledge and have even physically entertained the idea of being dominant, in some way, in the past I have never given it great thought due to my overwhelming call and desire to serve. (insert the emotional sub vs. sexual dom theory here) So again, the question remains, if this is part of who I am on a primal level and has always been there, why did it take "THIS" particular failure to draw it out?

I would say because your sub-self was dissociated from your ego by your subconsciousness in order to compartmentalize the current negative feelings.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Not being inside your head, Gigi, I could only, at best, make wild assed guesses about WHY you are feeling the way you are.

But I can say this:

In my experience, sadistic bottoms are not unusual.

Neither are masochistic Doms.

Service Tops can have a great deal of fun unleashing their inner sadists all the while performing to a script mostly devised by the bottom...

*shrugs* Why isn't so important to me any more, I'm more concerned on keeping focussed on "What is, right now."