New Story - Bag Lady

[ChristabelWritesLove]

The Bag Lady

A collaborative effort.
Please feel free to comment, leave feedback etc. It is sincerely appreciated!

 

[christabelll]

Except for some errors towards the end... I dunno, maybe the program was glitching, this was a well done story. I liked how at first you ddin't know there was anything different... and the various scenes that evolved.
Good Job...Very Good Job!

 

[ChristabelWritesLove]

The Bag Lady

A collaborative effort.
Please feel free to comment, leave feedback etc. It is sincerely appreciated!

It would be nice to have feedback on this folks... I am surprised there isn't more.
Thank you!...

 

[MarshAlien]

It would be nice to have feedback on this folks... I am surprised there isn't more.
Thank you!...

Oh, stop begging. You're annoying me.

Seriously, the sex was wonderful, and flowed very well. Getting there wasn't anywhere near as smooth. I could have believed either the eloquent, witch-like accupuncturist bag lady, or the doctor-turned-window-washer (who should be a window washer if he's giving patients drugs that aren't fully tested yet), but not both in the same story. There were just too many coincidences, and too few "ordinary" people.

Other than that, there were just some very odd details that got in my way of enjoying the story. Dark mountains the caught the reflected sunlight - why aren't they lit up, and off what is the sunlight being reflected? Two of the first four paragraphs devoted to slamming television. A window washer who has visited the house before and yet asks the woman where her ramp is, as if she carried it around with her. A way for the window washer to get outside and clean the window - a ledge presumably, that doesn't block a wheelchair-bound woman's view of the sidewalk below her. A bag lady who looks unbelievably young, but who Cassandra met two years before.

Sorry. Guess it was my turn to be annoying.

I think it's a very sweet, lovely story, but I think you need to make the set-up a little more believable and readable before you get to what is certainly a very powerful ending.

 

[_Lynn_]

I just finished your story.

Maybe I'm missing something, maybe it's just that I'm newer at leaving feedbacks. The story seemed to move slow to Me. It's a good idea, but I don't know who they are or what they feel and it's over. If this was cut down a bit in the beginning to make it move along better, you could add to have a deeper story.

A window washer/ex-doctor? A bag lady/ex-accupuncturist? I can't believe both just happened to be a part of her life like that. Especially without any explanations about them. There's just too much left open.

Just a few of My opinions.

 

[christabelll]

Sadly the person this was co written with got in a snit about the feed back

personally It had merit and needed other eyes to point out what "the cowriter" refused to change...

its hard sometimes.... but it was a lesson well worth learning....

and DONT post the damn story before a final Editing by an OUTSIDE source!

And Dont post the darn story before asking your cowriter if they are done tinkering....

Live and learn....

 

[starrkers]

{snip}
And Dont post the darn story before asking your cowriter if they are done tinkering....

Live and learn....

I would've thought that was common courtesy.

 

[christabelll]

I would've thought that was common courtesy.

apparently not - he did it twice - utterly ignoring quite a bit....
But thats not to say it wasnt fun...
I learned quite a bit... and if I everr co write with another person again rules will be SET before anything ever hits the page.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I go along with most of what Tetchy Alien said.

There is a lack of focus here and what starts as really a first person POV morphs into a third person POV.

Us readers are like sheep, you have to wave flags to tell us who is important. You call it 'Bag Lady' but she is peripheral and Cassandra doesn't stack up. There is too much effort spent on trying towrite Hemingway, I mean really;

He had said "yes." The woman with the pale blue shawl whispered the words over and over to herself.

Then the first sentence should read; “He had said ‘yes’.” Because she is saying it.

I'm Alive, she thought, the smile opening wide on her mature face, her eyes bright. A soft laugh erupted, starting at her chest and moving up to her mouth.

Sorry, this is just a bit pretentious.

The basic premise of a recently handicapped woman who finds a man who sees past her infirmity and loves her is very powerful. It just seems to me that the basic emotive thrust of the story is spoiled by unnecessary florid language and failure to concentrate on the protags,

The HDtv stuff is laughable, and the bag lady, who should be pivotal, is peripheral.

The proofing leaves a lot to be desired and, overall, this seems like a good story idea that's not made it through the edit process.

Sorry if that sounds harsh Christabel, I think your writing is usually superb. Just this one doesn't cut the mustard. Needs work.

 

[christabelll]

PS THIS STORY WAS SEMI COWRITTEN LAST MAY -

I go along with most of what Tetchy Alien said.

There is a lack of focus here and what starts as really a first person POV morphs into a third person POV.

Us readers are like sheep, you have to wave flags to tell us who is important. You call it 'Bag Lady' but she is peripheral and Cassandra doesn't stack up. There is too much effort spent on trying towrite Hemingway, I mean really;

He had said "yes." The woman with the pale blue shawl whispered the words over and over to herself.

Then the first sentence should read; “He had said ‘yes’.” Because she is saying it.

I'm Alive, she thought, the smile opening wide on her mature face, her eyes bright. A soft laugh erupted, starting at her chest and moving up to her mouth.

Sorry, this is just a bit pretentious.

The basic premise of a recently handicapped woman who finds a man who sees past her infirmity and loves her is very powerful. It just seems to me that the basic emotive thrust of the story is spoiled by unnecessary florid language and failure to concentrate on the protags,

The HDtv stuff is laughable, and the bag lady, who should be pivotal, is peripheral.

The proofing leaves a lot to be desired and, overall, this seems like a good story idea that's not made it through the edit process.

Sorry if that sounds harsh Christabel, I think your writing is usually superb. Just this one doesn't cut the mustard. Needs work.

I Quite Agree Elfin
I can tell you I did NOT write most of the story
I can tell you I tried desperately to turn it into more
The sex was all Mine that I can say most undeniably (apparently that was my only job with this)
But impatience and the refusal to even listen (or have it edited properly) then submitting it before I had said I was good with it... well it pissed me off..

I left that review I did - hoping he would come back and let me rewrite it -
nope
he got even more pissed and took his party and left.

 

[starrkers]

PS THIS STORY WAS SEMI COWRITTEN LAST MAY -



I Quite Agree Elfin
I can tell you I did NOT write most of the story
I can tell you I tried desperately to turn it into more
The sex was all Mine that I can say most undeniably (apparently that was my only job with this)
But impatience and the refusal to even listen (or have it edited properly) then submitting it before I had said I was good with it... well it pissed me off..

I left that review I did - hoping he would come back and let me rewrite it -
nope
he got even more pissed and took his party and left.

Except for some errors towards the end... I dunno, maybe the program was glitching, this was a well done story. I liked how at first you ddin't know there was anything different... and the various scenes that evolved.
Good Job...Very Good Job!

I don't know. You didn't seem to have too many problems with it back then. If you were so disappointed, why not say so in your first post?

 

[christabelll]

I don't know. You didn't seem to have too many problems with it back then. If you were so disappointed, why not say so in your first post?

IN PM and IM and Private Email I was all over it - as it was between him and I-
The story did have merit - it was simply wasted when he rushed everything and refused to listen.... And back then I didnt know nearly half what I know now about actually writing a story not a vignette - and I readily admit I still dont know nearly enough.


He wrote me the other day - which is one of the reasons this has come up -
giving me some twaddle about how baglady has been honorably recieved in his writing group and even though he "had some help" from others here at lit the immaturity and hostility he received from the people here, nearly ruined his inclination to write. He was going to have it "published" soon. And since we hadnt spoken since he had "published" his story - he just wanted to let me know....

I reminded him that I was his co auther on that story and as I such I did have some rights to it before he took it elsewhere.... I havent heard from him since.

Then I went back and read the bloody thing...

its a piece of crap that still has its vegetables showing.
If I could get him to take it down I would - He created the fucking ID - then changed the password....
So I um stuck with my name attached with his - sort of like a bad divorce- LOL -
and a lousy - but not irredeemable- story that I cannot do a thing about.

ANd I hate these fucking MEDS!!!!!!

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I'm sorry, I have to concur with Elle, and Marsh. I had a hard time finding any of the characters believeable. It seems in retrospect that the story was rushed out before it was ready, and Christabel was left holding the bag. I think the premise of the story had merit, and if the story was rewritten, it could be a very good one.

Who is the co-author?

 

[christabelll]

I'm sorry, I have to concur with Elle, and Marsh. I had a hard time finding any of the characters believeable. It seems in retrospect that the story was rushed out before it was ready, and Christabel was left holding the bag. I think the premise of the story had merit, and if the story was rewritten, it could be a very good one.

Who is the co-author?

its right there in the name christabel writeslove

 

[elfin_odalisque]

christabelll

I read your story and feel how cross you must be.

Liking what you write, my suggestion is that you take the premise, a disabled woman who thinks that her sexuality and value to the world has been destroyed, and write your own story. It is something that Colleen Thomas did here to great effect.

Cos I'm wicked, I'd change the heroine's name from Cassandra to Pandora.

Serious, it's too powerful a concept to let wither. Concentrating on the story and not the writer could produce something memorable.

Good luck

 

[MarshAlien]

First, I would write him again, and tell him that as the co-owner of the story, you absolutely forbid its publication anywhere else.

Second, I would take Elle's suggestion, and write your own story, channeling the frustration at how bad this one turned out into something that will really work, and be completelyin your own voice.

Third, I'd forget that first story ever existed. Easy enough to do here on Lit, since it doesn't show up on your screen. And I'd let this thread die too.

 

[starrkers]

I'd like the hear the other author's input.

 

[christabelll]

I'd like the hear the other author's input.

good luck with that. I just reread the email he sent me and at first it seems as if he doesnt even recall I co wrote it with him! then further down he starts blathering on about how his stories are adored and hes publishing them this year, and blah blah blah.... Now that the side effect from the meds are going away - I find this has taken far to much energy dredging it up again. I wanted to vent - I did- got some great and biting advice and I will follow up on most of it.


I think I will do exactly whats suggested how ever... and write the story as I see it... Different names differnt location - with my own subtext and such interweaved.

I was in a wheel chair for a year and half - so I relate.

Thank you every one for weighing in on a sticky and oft times painful subject...

Now let it slide back into the ignomity it deserves.

 

[starrkers]

good luck with that. I just reread the email he sent me and at first it seems as if he doesnt even recall I co wrote it with him! then further down he starts blathering on about how his stories are adored and hes publishing them this year, and blah blah blah.... Now that the side effect from the meds are going away - I find this has taken far to much energy dredging it up again. I wanted to vent - I did- got some great and biting advice and I will follow up on most of it.


I think I will do exactly whats suggested how ever... and write the story as I see it... Different names differnt location - with my own subtext and such interweaved.

I was in a wheel chair for a year and half - so I relate.

Thank you every one for weighing in on a sticky and oft times painful subject...

Now let it slide back into the ignomity it deserves.

I just don't like being expected to accept one side of an argument unchallenged. You're not exactly compllmentary to your co-author and it would be nice to hear his take on this.

 

[sr71plt]

I just don't like being expected to accept one side of an argument unchallenged. You're not exactly compllmentary to your co-author and it would be nice to hear his take on this.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Although I do recall having been raked over the coals on another thread not too long ago for trying to assert the same point.

 

[christabelll]

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Although I do recall having been raked over the coals on another thread not too long ago for trying to assert the same point.

I understand this completely - you do not have to take my word for anything. Nor do you have to agree with it or what ever....

writelove - I just reread a thread of his - was and is a stubborn male and could be a great author if he actually listened to whom he queries... and if you can convince him to come back here and post go for it.

So please - I vented my frustration - my perspective on what happened and why - and the lessons I have learned about co-authoring -
It was not meant to stir up controversy - nor nit picking nor prove it scenarios

sigh -
some one please get this gorilla off my back it fucking hurts to be pounded on!

 

[WearMeWell]

*Steps up quietly...*Deep curtsey

I do not know most of you from Adam, but it seems the Lady wishes this side of the topic dropped. Perhaps we should all be adult enough to put aside our personal opions and assertions, and do just that; it is her story (as co-author) and her (since the other party has departed) thread, afterall.

Just a thought....


answering a plea for assistance,

*hugs to all.

WMW~

 

[sr71plt]

*Steps up quietly...*Deep curtsey

I do not know most of you from Adam, but it seems the Lady wishes this side of the topic dropped. Perhaps we should all be adult enough to put aside our personal opions and assertions, and do just that; it is her story (as co-author) and her (since the other party has departed) thread, afterall.

Just a thought....


answering a plea for assistance,

*hugs to all.

WMW~

One wonders why she dug up this old thread and reintroduced it eleven months later then. Perhaps a lesson learned?

 

[WearMeWell]

One wonders why she dug up this old thread and reintroduced it eleven months later then. Perhaps a lesson learned?

* I would beg your patience,...but am rather inclined to acquiesce, even if halfheartedly.

The gentleman,(that would be you) in possessing the infamously intoned "more logical mind" of his gender, should be able to be above contrivances, or 'baited banter.'-- and most certainly above making a nuisance of himself. Being a gentleman, he should also understand that when a Lady has said stop, he stops.

*pauses in sigh....*now it is I, who need to ask your forgiveness
"sr71plt." *Forgive me, I let my Irish temper get ahold of my mouth (or- hands, in this case.)- I shouldn't have...

*Deep curtsey
WMW~

 

[christabelll]

* I would beg your patience,...but am rather inclined to acquiesce, even if halfheartedly.

The gentleman,(that would be you) in possessing the infamously intoned "more logical mind" of his gender, should be able to be above contrivances, or 'baited banter.'-- and most certainly above making a nuisance of himself. Being a gentleman, he should also understand that when a Lady has said stop, he stops.

*pauses in sigh....*now it is I, who need to ask your forgiveness
"sr71plt." *Forgive me, I let my Irish temper get ahold of my mouth (or- hands, in this case.)- I shouldn't have...

*Deep curtsey
WMW~

Begs all to desist--- and offers grateful smiles, frowning brows and wry shrugs of the shoulders and slide back into my sick bed. As I sway from the medications the leeches insist will make me better, I ask nothing if not understanding and just a wee bit of indulgence that I am allowed to vent...

Yes- a lesson learned. And I did state why I dug it up again... Being neither here nor there now -

Co authoring is a tricky business. And fraught with its own special difficulties.

Hmmmmm maybe there should be a how to on "Co authoring...."

I cant write it - I cant learn a thing from instruction manual. I have to SEE it and HEAR it - then maybe sometimes I can look at it and go Aha thats what they didnt say in english