A letter

[JADED_ONE1969]

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[jomar]

Hi GW, you might want to take this over to the Story Feedback Forum. You're likely to get more response to your questions there.

 

[sr71plt]

If you are thinking of this as a submission to Lit., it doesn't really do anything but lay down one, point in time, perspective that doesn't challenge any response from the reader. The "Letter" category in terms of storytelling is just a different mode of telling a story. This doesn't tell a story. It sets forth a one-dimensional perspective of a marriage in crisis from a single spouse in a single slice of time. It doesn't go anywhere; there's no resolution; there's nothing for a reader to work with. Just flops out there on the table like a mostly dead fish (just an image, not a reflection on the quality of presentation).

If it were matched with a letter from the wife's perspective that gave the reader something to chomp on and think about, compare/contrast and come up with revelations into a relationship, it might be a literary work (see Carol Shields's Happenstance). Or even if it were matched with a subsequent letter from the original writer giving inklings to a story going somewhere.

There are style issues. Some incorrect punctuation, misspellings that lead to reader head scratching (e.g., "Of course you we not there but . . . ," which after some contemplation probably should be "of course, you were not there, but . . .)

And some contextual mish mash as well. How could a letter like this be opened "Dear Loving Wife"? This belies what the husband is obviously strongly feeling while writing the letter. The word and image choices are loose and sloppy and not on the same literay level, which throws the tension that's necessary to this sort of storyline out of the window. Everything needs to mean much more than it does, barely hide on-edge emotion much more than it does. The fact that you do have phrases that "almost get there" (e.g., "your eyes stared through me, never at me") unfortunately emphasizes that the rest of it doesn't. (The same paragraph provides the cliched, lower-literary level "tired of this shit" phrase.) It mostly comes across as whinny and needy, giving the reader a "I might leave such as you too if I got a daily dose of this" or at least a "Oh, just shut the fuck up, get rid of her, and try for something better."

At least IMO.

 

[JADED_ONE1969]

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[sr71plt]

It was just a thought.

It's something to work with. You might start with what thoughts/emotions/responses you want to pull out of the reader with it and work from there (but not go from there, I don't think, if you don't realize that it's supposed to do something to the reader to justify being put on offer to readers).

And there may be some other poster coming along in a minute or two who will say they melted to it and it's really nifty. One never knows.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I think srplt71's right. There's not much of an opening for the reader in the piece. The "you" address to the wife ends up placing the reader in the position of receiving, essentially, an angry harangue, and that's difficult for the reader because, of course, s/he hasn't done anything to deserve it and doesn't know anything about the events.

That's not to say that the letter isn't well-written for what it is; if it's an actual letter to a real cheating wife, a personal communique with an audience of one very informed reader, it works pretty well. But if it's a work of fiction intended for the general public, I think it would benefit from some consideration of reader engagement.

A story can grip a reader in many ways - engaging narrative voice, amusing, ingenius, or poetic style, gripping plot, intriguing characters, powerful imagery or sweeping and exciting setting. You've had to sacrifice nearly all of these in pursuit of a true-to-life feel, and I'm not sure that that trade has been a wholly good one for a general audience. It's hard for them to get a grip on the very personal events and emotions without more attention to their needs.

 

[JADED_ONE1969]

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[fifty5]

It was just a thought.

Don't junk it out of hand.

I agree with jomar that it needs work, but the situation itself has potential. It felt to me that you were forced to write that letter longer than dramatically necessary, to meet a word count. How about starting with the letter from the wife's boss, telling the guy she's left him, then going on to add the wife's reply.

Also work on the characterisation - the way people write letters isn't (fundamentally) about grammar and Use of English, but is about how a particular character expresses their personality when talking s.l.o.w.e.r. .t.h.a.n. .t.h.e.y. .t.h.i.n.k...

Go back and work over the planning. What sort of characters are each of these three? Why did she leave him for her boss? Was it power being seductive, or was the husband boring, or what?

I think it was Arthur Ransome who said that an author needs to know more about the characters in a story than will ever get included. My advice is to start from there - get onto paper (or into the computer) as full a description of the people and what has happened between them to bring about this situation as you can possibly imagine. Forget entirely about writing style for a while, just make those characters alive in your own head.

Then write the letters.

And find a sympathetic editor. Computer spelling and grammar checkers are notoriously prone to get things wrong - and depending on the characters you invent, incorrect spelling and grammar may be just the way to convey their characteristics. A human editor can discuss such 'mistakes' to eliminate the accidental ones and keep those that are deliberate.

For example, if she's the boss's secretary, she'll be good at grammar, and at the same time that adds propinquity to the situation - she probably works closely with her boss for more hours in the week than she interacts as actively with her husband. Was that why it all happened? Again, in that scenario, the boss might be brilliant at business (what business?), but still amazingly illiterate. If, for once, he has written his own letter, it might be riddled with spelling mistakes. If, on the other hand, he's an MBA, the writing style would be very different.

You've chosen an excellent situation. I think you need to do more background development to turn that into a story people will enjoy reading.

Oh - and if there's no explicit sex, say so at the top of the story. Readers after a quick wank can be merciless in votes and comments if a story doesn't do that for them.

As yet, this isn't up to scratch, but it could be. We've all been there. Keep working at it!

 

[BlackShanglan]

I did not really think of it that way and no it is not me writing to my wife it is a purely fictional idea
but without going into too much detail how would you suggest I soften it?

I'd look for some way to include some movement in plot. Adam Sexton's definition of a story is "a central character attempting to achieve a physical goal," and I think it's a pretty good one. The character can do all sorts of internal things, but if there's no physical goal or hint of one, there's nothing to keep the reader asking "What next?" - no sense that the story is going somewhere. As srplt71 pointed out, this is a snapshot of one moment of emotion; it hasn't got anywhere it can go, and so it's hard for the reader to find a way to engage with it.

Have you considered using a series of letters? Les Liasons Dangereuses is a delightful novel written entirely as a series of letters between various main characters. By using a variety of character voices and letting me see their nefarious schemes slowly unfold, the author kept me eager for the next page.

 

[3113]

Letter story or story with a letter?

Have you considered using a series of letters?

Well, that's the question he has to answer for us to help him, right?

So, GW66...is this story all letters, or is this just a letter that's going to appear in the middle of the story? Makes a big difference. If it's all letters, then it can stay as is--with some editing and such. If it's in the middle of the story, however, you're going to want it much, much, much shorter. Because the rest of the story will say a lot of the stuff that is said in the letter, so the letter doesn't need to say it.

Which is it?

 

[sr71plt]

Well, that's the question he has to answer for us to help him, right?

So, GW66...is this story all letters, or is this just a letter that's going to appear in the middle of the story? Makes a big difference. If it's all letters, then it can stay as is--with some editing and such. If it's in the middle of the story, however, you're going to want it much, much, much shorter. Because the rest of the story will say a lot of the stuff that is said in the letter, so the letter doesn't need to say it.

Which is it?

It was pretty clear to me that the original question was whether to submit this as an inclusive literary work to Lit.: "is it worth trying to post it?"

 

[3113]

It was pretty clear to me that the original question was whether to submit this as an inclusive literary work to Lit.: "is it worth trying to post it?"

You're right that it seems a stand-alone. But he also said that it's a letter "from a husband who has just been told by the wifes boss that she has been cheating on him with the boss." I don't see anywhere in the letter that the boss told the husband about this. So it's possible that there could be a scene where we see the husband told this, then we switch to the wife getting the letter.

Likewise, I'd be interested to know if this is getting posted in Loving Wives (I presume form the opening), or Letters.

 

[SimpleGifts]

To be honest...looking at this as a work of fiction, my first reaction was, "So what?"

It seems like your character has something to say here, but it gets lost in the many paragraphs and the rather jumbled text. What exactly motivates you to want people to read this?

If you are trying to provide a reasonable facsimile of how a betrayed husband would write to his soon-to-be-ex-wife...I have enough experience to feel that it doesn't ring true. At the very least, it sounds like an extended whine and not something that is meant to deliver a message to the wife.

If you are trying to provide some insight into the emotional turmoil of the husband...then it's TOO clinical. It's a litany of "why did you do this" restated from many perspectives. If you want to show how this has driven him to self-doubt and jealousy and anger, then give him that kind of voice.

It's also quite self-contradictory--he burns or tears up all his photos of them together, and then asks if they still have a chance to be together again? Why does he keep asking her if her lover is a "better man" than he is? He keeps giving her all the power while still trying to imply that HE is the one who is worth keeping.

I don't know...I think it's a worthy cause but it does need several more drafts. JMHO.

SG

 

[JADED_ONE1969]

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