Learning Dom seeks advice and consult.

[Proffesah_J]

I suppose you could call me a Dom in training. my wife and I have always played around with bdsm but not always with the best of results. I tend to get carried away at times and get my regular life feelings confused with my Dom feelings and end up bringing up past wrongs that have been committed and things are no longer fun at that point. I am learning and am committed to this but am confused about a lot of things. I also wonder if it is something that can be learned or if it is a purely instinctual drive. Can one become more dominant in the right ways? Or is it something you just have or don't have? I am rather submissive in my day to day life but I do not like it. I often am and feel walked on and used because I do not stand up for myself and allow things to happen that should not. It is not fear of confrontation by any means, I have very little problem with that when necessary. But I am very kind hearted and that often gets taken advantage of. Lately my wife and I have been attempting to broaden our sexual horizons and this has led to some mixed emotions on my part. But I believe I can work through them and develop a much more rewarding sex life with my wife. It all seems very important and I want to learn as much as possible to limit any further mistakes. Thanks to any who read through this long post and I welcome any advice and I will post updates on the progress of our journey.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I I tend to get carried away at times and get my regular life feelings confused with my Dom feelings and end up bringing up past wrongs that have been committed and things are no longer fun at that point. I am learning and am committed to this but am confused about a lot of things.

I think you are confusing being a Dom with being pissed off.

I also wonder if it is something that can be learned or if it is a purely instinctual drive. Can one become more dominant in the right ways? Or is it something you just have or don't have?

The reason you become a Dom is because it is who you are. The reason you become a good Dom is because you're willing to learn and grow.

 

[Proffesah_J]

thanks that is the kind of insight i am looking for.

 

[LMs_ds]

My Master's motto is: "The first mastery is of self." (I think it comes from Different Loving)

I would never be able to trust Him if I wasn't sure He was in control not just of me, but of Himself.

Being a good Dom/Master, in this slave's opinion, is about knowing oneself and knowing the harm that can be caused by not being in control.

Respectfully,

 

[Lord_Michael]

J, My slave has given you one answer to your questions. One with which I fully agree, of course.

I might also give you a slightly different answer, one that Louis Armstrong gave when someone asked him to define jazz: "If you gotta ask, you ain't got it."

You can certainly learn techniques, you can certainly learn your partner (which is essential). But if you aren't inherently a dominant who is aroused by exercising control over a submissive person, no book and no experience will teach it to you.

I wish you the best.

Lord Michael

 

[FurryFury]

I've heard people say that anger has no place in a scene.

Personally, I'm willing to have my husband channel his anger to a point if it is a useful tool for us.

He is not interested in being a Dom however. He is also very afraid of unleashing his anger in any way shape or form on me. I am his best friend, his soul mate, his love and he does not want to hurt me.

 

[JamieB]

I think being a Dominant can be learned, to an extent (though you'll probably never become a Homburg or Evil Geoff). Hell, I think it HAS to be learned. There are a lot of activities that fall under the umbrella of BDSM that need practice like anything else, and we all start from the same place: ground zero.

I'll even go so far as to suggest that exercising your inner Dom in the bedroom might have positive effects in the rest of your life.

That said, if you're having problems with controlling your emotions (and thus the situation), you may have bitten off too much too soon. Take it easy at first. Assuming she's not begging you to flog her bloody with a cat o' nine, start small with things like light bondage and spanking, or maybe directed masturbation.

Do a bit of planning beforehand. When I was starting out, having some kind of plan helped me relax and keep control. Definitely leave yourself room to improvise, though. You don't want to map the scene out blow-by-blow, but it's a good idea to generally know what's going to happen and why and what you're going to be using.

Give yourself time to figure it out. It's a journey, not a destination, and you'll keep learning till you die or give up on it.

Anyway...my $.02.

J

 

[Proffesah_J]

Thanks!

Thanx JaimieB! that was exactly what I needed to hear and also exactly the game plan. You are right we previously have kinda jumped in with both feet, so to speak, but now I am taking it very slow, baby steps, haven't even started yet. I am also making a loose plan for our activities this weekend and am putting suggestions like yours about light spanking and directed masturbation into it. that really is her biggest turn on, being told what to do. what I have to do is figure out what she wants to be told to do and to tell her to do those things in a firm commanding tone. So any suggestions about what other small starter things I could do are more than welcome. Thanks for all the replies so far, I was honestly scared shitless to come in here and lay this out in front of some very serious and frankly scary ppl. I thought I would be torn limb from limb, still might be. And as far as becoming Homburg, man I hope not! That guy definitely scares me! But I must say his rope work is exquisite! Oh shit I said His name! Is he gonna show up and get me? I hope light respectful joking is ok around here. I am kind of a card once I get going. but I repeat Respectful. I know I probably do not deserve to be in the same room with some of you. And I truly appreciate all of Your insight it has already been extremely helpful.

 

[Proffesah_J]

I have to confess, I was mildly drunk when I wrote that first post and came off sounding way more angry and confused than I meant too. I am not pissed off. I am rather content and happy. I am just new and have been somewhat clumsy in the way I have gone about things. I will not post again in any thing but aa completely lucid state. Thanks again!
Prof

 

[SweetErika]

what I have to do is figure out what she wants to be told to do and to tell her to do those things in a firm commanding tone. So any suggestions about what other small starter things I could do are more than welcome.

Have you each filled out a BDSM Checklist, then talked about your answers? If not, that could be a good way to get an idea of what she's interested in and plan what you want to do.

Secondly, a very effective activity for many is to order the sub to describe his/her fantasies and interests in detail. You can do this in whatever way feels best, whether that's during play, just creating an intimate time to talk and cuddle/caress/arouse/etc., or something else.

For me, the most important part of getting into the dominant mindset is to focus on what I want and enjoy. I certainly know my sub's limits, likes, dislikes, etc., but I don't let that control what I do. We don't focus on his wants, we focus on mine, and by virtue of doing so, he usually enjoys himself immensely. This was a concept that struck me as extreme and too selfish for my taste at the beginning, but the reality is that I'm a very giving person and I take a lot of pleasure in my partner's pleasure. So, by focusing on my wants/needs, we achieve just the right balance for our particular D/s dynamic.

It was really a disaster when I focused on his wants and tried to be the Dominant I thought I was supposed to be in the beginning; neither of us got what we wanted and everything felt forced. When I started focusing on me, the pieces fell into place and everything flowed naturally.

 

[Homburg]

I think being a Dominant can be learned, to an extent (though you'll probably never become a Homburg or Evil Geoff). Hell, I think it HAS to be learned. There are a lot of activities that fall under the umbrella of BDSM that need practice like anything else, and we all start from the same place: ground zero.

J

*blinks*

"Homburg or Evil Geoff"? Goodness, putting me in some lofty company there, thank you.

My take on it is relatively simple. There are two basic sides to the equation. One is the actual topping, and the other is Dominance. Virtually anyone can learn to top. Some people can't because they are sqeaumish, or too unwilling to cause pain. Barring that, it is possible to learn to top. Yes, there are plenty who should not top because they lack the proper empathy, the willingness to learn the physical skills, the people skills to handle the situation properly, maturity, etc, but it is still an eminently learnable skillset that most anyone can pick up.

Note: Much like any physical skill, some people will just naturally be better at it than others. This is due to a combination of traits such as strong empathy, good hand-eye coordination, intuitive understanding of anatomy, etc.

The second half of the the game is dominance. This is a bit more touchy, and I will probably step on toes saying this. Dominance is a character trait. Yes, you can, will, and should work on it like a skill, but if you do not have it, all the study in the world won't cause it to magically appear. That said, someone who diligently works at anything can probably fake it enough to fool some people.

I will make the analogy of artwork. Anyone can learn to paint. What enough Bob Ross videos and spend quality time with your brushes, and you too will turn out happy little trees. But you will never be Picasso. Now before anyone thinks I'm pissing down their shirt collars here, I'm no Picasso. I'm making a frikken analogy. Still, there is something inherent that made Picasso different from his fellow painters, Michael Jordan different from other basketball players, and Bettie Page different from other pin-up girls.

Fortunately, dominance as character trait is nowhere near as uncommon as Jordan's basketball ability, Picasso's mind, or the look in Bettie's eyes. No, it's not common, but it isn't rare either.

Interestingly, you may not feel all that Dominant when you first start out. I see lots of tops talk about how they always knew they were dominant, and were born itching for that cane. Meh, not me. I've always been a dominant male monkey type, but I started in on BDSM because my gal asked me to. And we stopped for a while because I felt like a fraud, like I was not a "real" Dominant. In that case, I was Dominant all right, I just wasn't feeling my power because Life had a boot on my neck. It took me a while both to realise that it was external pressures, and to remove those pressures.

But still, if I'm being touted as an example of dominance, I have not "always" been this rawr uber-top. I won't say I learned to be dominant. Yeah, I was a pushy kid, have been in leader roles socially all my life, and have always been able to get people to do what I wanted. Social dominance is as perfectly natural, and non-conscious, as breathing. When I want someone to do something, odds are, it gets done. Same thing with sexual situations. But I had to learn how to do it right in the scene. Admittedly, the sexual dominance skillset was easy to learn, but, like I said, social dominance is as easy for me as walking.

Going back to the OP's post on getting taken advantage of. Prof, some of that may be happening simply because you're a nice guy. Well, you sound like one. It's possible to be a nice guy and still be dominant. I could name a few people on here that I consider just as nice as can be, but I would want to bare my ass with them around

The bottom line for all of this, for me, is that difference between top and dominant. It's much like my discussions on the difference between bottom and submissive. There's no cool badge that comes along with being dominant, and doesn't come with the top designator. Neither one is more or less real. Neither one is more or less valid. They're designations. If you don't really get the whole dominance thing, but still like swattin' that ass, just call yourself a Top and don't sweat it. If you find that puttin your foot across someone's metaphorical (or physical) neck gets you hot, hey, you might be Dominant.

 

[JMohegan]

For me, the most important part of getting into the dominant mindset is to focus on what I want and enjoy. I certainly know my sub's limits, likes, dislikes, etc., but I don't let that control what I do. We don't focus on his wants, we focus on mine, and by virtue of doing so, he usually enjoys himself immensely.

This is the essence of D/s, as I see it. The D is comfortable and aroused when controlling what transpires in a personal relationship, and the s is comfortable and aroused when being controlled.

With regard to the question: "is it something you just have or don't have?" I'd describe the D-urge as a personality trait. Part nature, part nurture, whatever - but fairly well ingrained by the time a person reaches adulthood regardless.

To the OP, on the issue of general social dominance or submissiveness, I note the following. Many Dominants (in the D/s sense) have little or no interest in overtly controlling the behavior of non-partners in a social setting. Further, many Dominants have jobs or community positions that are far from powerful, important, managerial, or reflective of an ability to control the behavior of others. Conversely, many submissives (in the D/s sense) can be quite bossy with non-partners in social settings, and many submissives hold jobs or community positions reflective of an impressive ability to control others in a work or social setting. In short, attempting to correlate personal relationship dominance and general social dominance is problematic, to say the least.

 

[CarolineOh]

I think you are confusing being a Dom with being pissed off.



The reason you become a Dom is because it is who you are. The reason you become a good Dom is because you're willing to learn and grow.

I agree. My husband became interested in D/s because I was. He was reticent, and did not think of himself as Dominant. But, in fact, he was exactly that, he did not recognize it as such. He is a quiet man, but resolute and rock solid in his principles. When he speaks, people listen.

He did not have the particular skills that most of us see as the hallmarks of a Dominant, but he had the temperment and, once his interest was piqued, he became a very good one.

Anyone can learn how to tie a know or swing a whip, but to be a Dominant, you have to have it within you. No one else can answer that question for you.

 

[DVS]

Well, it looks as though you've got some good information to think about, here. Some of these posters have some very good insight, too. As I read this thread I had several things to point out that were not being said.

But, after getting down to the end of the thread, those things I was going to point out have already been pointed out by someone else. And here I thought I was the only smart person who posted here. Anyway, since I've already started this post, I'll just rehash what others have already told you.

I think you're on the right path for satisfaction. Communication is critical, if you are going to understand what your wife wants, and if she's going to understand what you want. Don't assume you are suppose to figure this out alone. Talking everything over is always the best method of understanding what your partner likes. Once you know, giving her the satisfaction she desires is a whole lot easier.

Setting up a loose plan is a very good idea. If you are new to this, that will help you relax, because you know what you have planned to happen next.

On being a true Dom, I think that's different for everybody. When you're new, there are a lot of unknowns that you are trying to figure out. You're trying to be perfect and that is just impossible. The more perfect you try to be, the more mistakes you're going to make.

In the beginning, just be yourself. Understand this is new and go slow. Like someone said, just take things a little at a time and as you get more at ease with that, move on to more advanced things.

Your job as a Dom is to control the scene. Your submissive can be tied up and maybe even gagged, so she won't be able to control what happens to her. It's your job to watch that she's always safe. That means you must communicate with safe words, hand signals, or whatever means you decide on, so she can let you know if a problem comes up.

A good Dom would never let his own emotions or desires overpower him to the point that his submissive is put into danger. That's a cardinal rule. But, don't be too worried about that, because as long as you take it slow and easy, I think that will mature along with your skills.

Just keep it in the back of your mind that a major part of your job is to be the safety man. Sure, you are also playing other roles, but that is your first role. Next, after finding out what she expects of you in this Dom role and what you have told her you want to happen, put all of this into a kind of scene plan and see how it turns out.

After you learn the ropes of all of this, you can start to add more and more into the scene. Eventually, it will all start to fit together and you'll suprise yourself at how much of a Dom you are.

Being a total Dom might not be what you want out of this. And, if not, that's fine. Pick out the parts that you both enjoy and forget the rest. There are no rules on what you have to do. But, both of you should gain satisfaction from your sex play.

How much of this you actually feel inside and enjoy doing is ultimately going to help with the satisfaction. Obviously, if you enjoy dominating your wife, you are going to get better at it, sooner. And if she enjoys submitting to you and being told what to do, all the better, too. Go for it.

 

[intothewoods]

This is the essence of D/s, as I see it. The D is comfortable and aroused when controlling what transpires in a personal relationship, and the s is comfortable and aroused when being controlled.

With regard to the question: "is it something you just have or don't have?" I'd describe the D-urge as a personality trait. Part nature, part nurture, whatever - but fairly well ingrained by the time a person reaches adulthood regardless.

To the OP, on the issue of general social dominance or submissiveness, I note the following. Many Dominants (in the D/s sense) have little or no interest in overtly controlling the behavior of non-partners in a social setting. Further, many Dominants have jobs or community positions that are far from powerful, important, managerial, or reflective of an ability to control the behavior of others. Conversely, many submissives (in the D/s sense) can be quite bossy with non-partners in social settings, and many submissives hold jobs or community positions reflective of an impressive ability to control others in a work or social setting. In short, attempting to correlate personal relationship dominance and general social dominance is problematic, to say the least.

If it is a personality trait, why isn't it always present (i.e., bosy subs and worker doms)? I was just talking about this with someone, and he argued that people are often either dominant and submissive. The bossy behavior is really just a red herring of sorts.

 

[JMohegan]

If it is a personality trait, why isn't it always present (i.e., bosy subs and worker doms)? I was just talking about this with someone, and he argued that people are often either dominant and submissive. The bossy behavior is really just a red herring of sorts.

Lots of people describe themselves as possessing personality traits that vary with company or context. Shy in some environments but outgoing in others; predictably emotional in some situations but apathetic in others; etc.

I defined the essence of the "D-urge" as being comfortable and aroused when controlling what transpires in a personal relationship. Aroused is off the table in most other contexts, so we're left with "comfortable". Personally I am much more comfortable in the company of laid back people who aren't trying to control each other's behavior, and I'm a laid back guy in most social situations as well. Bossy and controlling just aren't traits I appreciate in a general social context.

I understand that others have different preferences, and some of these have the D-urge as well. No problem. Looking at the population of Dominants as a whole, I'm not saying there's a negative correlation between the D-urge and the urge to control others in a general social setting, but I don't think there's a positive correlation either.

Flip all this around, and the same applies to submissives.


ETA: If you have the chance, ask your friend to provide his working definitions of "dominant" and "submissive". Sometimes people talk past one another in these discussions, for the simple reason that they aren't even talking about the same thing.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... and he does not want to hurt me.

I do! I do! I do! *bounces up and down*

But only in a nice way, of course!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I think being a Dominant can be learned, to an extent (though you'll probably never become a Homburg or Evil Geoff). Hell, I think it HAS to be learned. There are a lot of activities that fall under the umbrella of BDSM that need practice like anything else, and we all start from the same place: ground zero.

It warms the cockles of my sadistic little heart to read such kind words, but honestly, I'm not much of a Dominant, at least not by internet fantasy wanking standards. I'll let others judge how much of a Dominant I am in real life.

Seriously, I don't consider myself all that and a box of floggers when it comes to being a Dominant. The longer I'm in the lifestyle the more I see myself as a kinda Dommy/Toppy/Leathery kinda guy. Owner of janey and lots of toys and an equal opportunity SM play slut. I'm not a BDSM guru or expert.

And I'm jealous of Homburg's ropework, he could teach me a few things when it comes to the tying of bottoms...

But JamieB is absolutely right, we ALL started at ground zero and worked our way up. You'll find some people out there who will pretend they were born with a flogger in one hand and holding a leash in the other, but we all quickly sort them into the proper bin (in most laces it's labeled "rubbish"). There is no one, single, right, true way to do this... what ever it is we are doing. There's lots of ways that might be right, you have the luxury of being able to try on what works and fits for you and your partner(s).

When you begin to really accept who and what you are, and begin the journey of education and growth, you will be surprised at what it brings. You may start out on one side of the coin, and then find your heart calling you to the other side... Only to find that at least part of you needs both sides... Or you may find yourself happily on one side forever, or happily switching back and forth as the mood strikes you.

Just as an aside, I HATE switches! They ALWAYS score higher than me on those damned "How Kinky Are You" quizzes. Bastards!

There's no rush. Take your time and explore yourself AND your partner. Be true to YOURSELF and you will come away a better, richer, wiser person.

 

[Proffesah_J]

By George, I've got it!

My mind is aflame. I have the feel as if I am falling in love with a new,unknown partner. Getting to know her, learning all I can! The question of whether "it" is in me is answered. It most definitely is! I and my "good girl" are blossoming beautifully! She is more in love with me than ever, in fact all over again! She is so eager to please me now! Small, incremental steps was the key. I must take this very slow and easy. And it is working, Damn is it working. I must be very careful to not get carried away and go too far too soon, but I don't think this is going to be a problem because I am enjoying the small, increasing graduations of it too much!
Ok let me give you a rundown of how the day went. I work night shift and get off at 7am. Soon after getting home we had simultaneous appointments for dental cleanings. We were alone in a very nicely appointed dentists office waiting area with only one small open door where the dental assistant would appear to call your name. And then the idea came, maybe a small test. I know that my good girl is a natural exhibitionist. It is something she enjoys and it arouses her greatly. Take a look at her thread on the ampic forum to see what I mean. "Hiya, Velvet is back!" leave a note she loves feed back. But I digress, back to the dentist office. We were sitting across from each other reading raggedy old mags as is the custom. I was facing the door while she was facing me. I could see a wall mirror outside the door that gave me a good view down the hallway where the office girls were moving. So, in a casual yet commanding tone I simply said "Show yourself to me." She got it instantly. She was wearing black skirt that came to just above the knee. Without saying a word she spread her legs and pulled her panties to the side showing me everything. she was already visibly excited. I told her to stay like that till I said "cover". She stayed that way for several minutes, not moving but just sitting there, showing herself to me with a lustful twinkle in her eye. While I was watching her I was also keeping an eye on that mirror, and at the last second when i saw the girl coming down the hall I calmly said "cover". She released her panties, pulled her skirt back into place and calmly picked her magazine back up and acted like she was reading it just in time for the girl to come to the door and call her name. There was no hiding her huge smile and exited twinkle in her eye. Sadly her only immediate reward was a tooth scraping but the rest of the day was incredible! My girl is very eager to please me now to say the least. When we got home she knelt down on a small pillow in front of me, quietly awaiting instructions. I told her, "Take out your right tit." she did. I told her to lick it. she did. I told her to put it away. she did. and so on and so forth. Later when I pulled open the shower curtain to reach for a towel there she was, waiting with one open to dry me off. Amazing what a simple change of voice tone and a small attitude adjustment on my part has done. There were lots and lots of sexy details like that today, but in the interest of keeping this as short as possible I will omit them for now.I really REALLY like this. I also have not forgotten that this is just the beginning and I have lots left to learn, but I am looking forward to the journey. Thanks again for all of your insights and advice. They have been invaluable. I would like to note one last thing and I will end this gigantic post. I am amazed by the apparent lack of elitism here. There is a kind of chain of command of sorts of course but not a feeling of being looked down upon for being new like there is in almost every other pastime. Sorry for the huge post but I am very excited. Thanks to all who read it through, I will try to be more concise in the future.
Prof

 

[Homburg]

Good on ya, Prof =)

 

[YourCaptor]

Funny thing is, the day your realize you are dominant is the day it becomes difficult to be so.

 

[Proffesah_J]

Thanks Homburg! Your alright! And I said it before but I would like to tell You directly, Your ropework is exquisite! That is also something I and my Good Girl are very interested in. I am studying your technique and will photograph the results if you are interested in seeing that.

 

[Proffesah_J]

there are a few pics of her in bondage on her thread, but really then we were just playing dress up, its a much better game now!

 

[Homburg]

Thanks Homburg! Your alright! And I said it before but I would like to tell You directly, Your ropework is exquisite! That is also something I and my Good Girl are very interested in. I am studying your technique and will photograph the results if you are interested in seeing that.

Thank you, and thank you to EG for his comments earlier too.

 

[JamieB]

Good work there Prof

Sounds like you're off to a good start there mate.

J