Humiliation and Respect

[faeriefire]

Hello...I've been reading a lot in the past weeks and have a question. Since I'm new please bear with me as am still learning and want to learn more. I had trouble finding this topic in the library, so if I'm looking in the wrong place, please feel free to redirect me

How do couples maintain respect for each other over long periods of time together, especially if they are into humiliation play?

I would really like to hear how this plays out IRL for when I take that step. Theoretically, while may absolutely love something during a scene, afterwards might think back and wonder how managed to do it. If also got the idea in head that certain humiliating action could change my partner's perception of self outside the scene think would feel really insecure about playing more.

Have any of you worried about whether or not you were still loved/respected after a particularly intense experience? And how did you deal with it, or not?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I did worry about this before Master and I started playing this way. I wondered whether humiliating things would be stuff that couldn't be unsaid.

The first time Master really humiliated me I got a little freaked out and safeworded. He stopped instantly and expressed loving concern for me, hugging and talking things out. That taught me a very valuable lesson. When he humiliates me he puts on a persona and gets into a role. He doesn't always genuinely think the things he says, he just knows what pushes my buttons. The facade is only skin deep though and just underneath is my Master, to whom I am the most precious possession in the world.

Since then we've never had any problems. Usually we'll hug things out afterwards and have a smooch but even if he's in uberbastard mode and just turns his back and falls asleep, I know that I'm his beloved slave and life partner.

Ooh, I believe I still owe you a pm...

*scurries off to inbox*

 

[Bandit58]

Humiliation/degradation is a hard limit for me, and Sir doesn't go there. The most He will do is some gentle teasing in private - He loves to see me blush

He will call me things like slut, ho, tart....but because I know that I'm HIS slut/ho/tart it doesn't bother me I know that I'm always loved and cared about. After 4 years together we are closer than ever.

 

[Lalah]

Humiliation is probably my biggest turn on; I really love being humiliated. At first when it's starting I'll be horrified, but as it goes on I start feeling an undercurrent of lust under it.

I enjoy having sex while in that state, but usually it's when I'm done and thinking back on it that I will get turned on the most as I relive it in my head. I like to have each humiliation session followed by a purely sexual private session with my lover. I guess this is a part of how I deal with this, by us having passionate sex with each others.

There's no magical solution to dealing with humiliation play. Personally what help is that we each consider we have the same standing in the relationship. Normally I'm the submissive when we have sex, but what we do is when I feel like the balance has shifted too much in his favour we exchange roles for a session or two and I dominate him. It helps us restore the balance, although it probably wouldn't work for you guys if you're in a typical power transfer relationship.

 

[faeriefire]

aftercare?

Thank you all so much for your responses...gives me a bit to think about To continue this line of thought I'd like to ask whether humiliation play in a scene carries over or affects you outside the scene, especially in Master's eyes. The idea of being humiliated in play, called names, asked to do things I wouldn't do without being told to, is a huge turn-on. At the same time if I wasn't in a scene I think it would really hurt me to be called a slut or have partner expect me to behave/react well to being ordered around. How do you balance wanting to be humiliated in one arena and wanting to be respected and adored outside it? Is aftercare a solution, or do PYLs/pyls reassure each other that trust is still present in other ways?

For those who PM'd a response to my ?s thank you as well. And if anyone would like to answer, but prefers not posting please feel free to pm me as I really would like to hear different perspectives. Have a great day

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Well, I don't see being ordered to do things humiliating. That's just how things work between us. It's not a constant 'put the kettle on, bitch' thing. I'd say about 90% of the time he's as polite as any vanilla man. The command is implicit. He says 'could you put the kettle on?' like anyone else but his response would be very different if I said no.

He does sometimes call me names outside of a sexual setting but it's usually just banter. He'll send me texts saying 'how's my little whore today?' but it's a term of endearment.

Generally, humiliation play doesn't affect us outside of the particular scene. It's a place we both love to go to sometimes but it's not something that we want to incorporate in our daily dynamic. I have never had reason to doubt the respect he has for me. Master is grateful that he has a partner onto whom he can unleash his inner beast and he's not going to jeopardise that by going over the top and damaging me physically or mentally. We never take the trust we have in each other for granted. I think that's one of the most important things to maintain in any BDSM relationship.

 

[SinfulSailor]

I think it's important to remember that humility is an individual state of mind/being that is often indicative of a high level of character. Throughout history humility has been advocated and valued. Those who have developed and embraced that mindset have been lauded, whether dominant or submissive in their relationships. And for that matter, whether we're talking about d/s, business, public or other type relationships. No one respects the self righteous ego maniac. Yanno?

In my experience, humiliation is a dynamic that endears two people to each other. It is something that (almost literally) fills their hearts. I, personally, can feel the tenderness, the emotion in my chest. It lays bare the souls. There's a level of "touching" there that transcends holding hands. It is ephemeral. It is spiritual. To simply say it is endearing, as I did above, is a vast understatement.

I've seen business-based "retreats" that create and use humiliation. Navy Seal training (and etc.) is big on humiliation. Christianity, Buddhism and Hinduism all emphasize and laud humility.

So if humility is such a highly valued trait, why would you/we question or fear the "after-effects" (so to speak)?

Well, I note that male submissives don't seem to have those concerns. At least not as much as female submissives. Of course that's just a personal observation, not something factual. Perhaps I am mistaken. But if I'm not mistaken.......

Then why the gender-based difference?

Personally, I chalk it up to a societally trained and induced mindset. Women are taught, and taught, and taught that they have to fight men for gender equity. Never surrender. Never allow yourself to be humiliated by a man. So if that is accurate, for a woman to endure humiliation at the hands of a man understandably creates an inner conflict and leads to the (in my mind) repressive apprehensions you expressed a fear of.

What to do about it? The only thing I can think of is to come to grips with it. Shuck off your socialization. Embrace pleasure, fulfillment and the magic of humiliation. Say the hell with feminism.

A qualification: If you're with an asshat, you're just with an asshat. Humiliation and degradation will likely not reach the spiritually fulfilling planes I have experienced and am trying to explain. But then again, that's going to be true of just about everything else with that person too.

Hope you find these thoughts useful.

 

[Netzach]

I think it's important to remember that humility is an individual state of mind/being that is often indicative of a high level of character. Throughout history humility has been advocated and valued. Those who have developed and embraced that mindset have been lauded, whether dominant or submissive in their relationships. And for that matter, whether we're talking about d/s, business, public or other type relationships. No one respects the self righteous ego maniac. Yanno?

In my experience, humiliation is a dynamic that endears two people to each other. It is something that (almost literally) fills their hearts. I, personally, can feel the tenderness, the emotion in my chest. It lays bare the souls. There's a level of "touching" there that transcends holding hands. It is ephemeral. It is spiritual. To simply say it is endearing, as I did above, is a vast understatement.

I've seen business-based "retreats" that create and use humiliation. Navy Seal training (and etc.) is big on humiliation. Christianity, Buddhism and Hinduism all emphasize and laud humility.

So if humility is such a highly valued trait, why would you/we question or fear the "after-effects" (so to speak)?

Well, I note that male submissives don't seem to have those concerns. At least not as much as female submissives. Of course that's just a personal observation, not something factual. Perhaps I am mistaken. But if I'm not mistaken.......

Then why the gender-based difference?

Personally, I chalk it up to a societally trained and induced mindset. Women are taught, and taught, and taught that they have to fight men for gender equity. Never surrender. Never allow yourself to be humiliated by a man. So if that is accurate, for a woman to endure humiliation at the hands of a man understandably creates an inner conflict and leads to the (in my mind) repressive apprehensions you expressed a fear of.

What to do about it? The only thing I can think of is to come to grips with it. Shuck off your socialization. Embrace pleasure, fulfillment and the magic of humiliation. Say the hell with feminism.

A qualification: If you're with an asshat, you're just with an asshat. Humiliation and degradation will likely not reach the spiritually fulfilling planes I have experienced and am trying to explain. But then again, that's going to be true of just about everything else with that person too.

Hope you find these thoughts useful.

As a woman who's periodically done rather nasty humiliation with other women, both humiliating them, and at their hands, I have to say I think you're hung up on a red herring.

Sure, "shuck off your socialization" may apply, but it really has nothing to do with men whatsoever at that point, eh? "the hell with feminism, it's not good for you" doesn't have anything to do with it, any more than my slave's thrills when I tell him to shut up have to do with backlash against the first amendment.

There is a gender based difference in humiliation players - and for the most part it's this.

Both men and women are attracted to humiliation in about equal numbers. But almost all the women I've played with insist that the humiliation remain sexual and erotic. Not all, but most. If the humiliation starts to be a kind of embarrassment that doesn't serve to get them more excited and turned on, it becomes a dealbreaker.

Most men who are attracted to humiliation want to be humiliated on a deeper, more existential level, that really cuts them at the core. Not all, again, for some that's a dealbreaker, but for those who are into the concept, it has to go past "gee you're sexually wanton" to something much more intense and attacking at the fabric of who they are and what they are.

The only reason I can determine is this: men and women's identities are challenged at different levels in the culture. When a man says "I'm this" it's much less often re-evaluated based on how people visually assess him. Unless of course, he's not white, then however he's sized up trumps whatever he says in similar fashion.

So people who are really certain of their identity are the people who are excited by these kinds of advanced challenges to it - some people are more socialized to be certain of their identity and worth, some less so but they overcome the obstacles till they are, and some people are extremely confident about certain things and other things are dealbreakers if you poke them too hard there.

 

[twysted73]

As a woman who's periodically done rather nasty humiliation with other women, both humiliating them, and at their hands, I have to say I think you're hung up on a red herring.

Sure, "shuck off your socialization" may apply, but it really has nothing to do with men whatsoever at that point, eh? "the hell with feminism, it's not good for you" doesn't have anything to do with it, any more than my slave's thrills when I tell him to shut up have to do with backlash against the first amendment.

There is a gender based difference in humiliation players - and for the most part it's this.

Both men and women are attracted to humiliation in about equal numbers. But almost all the women I've played with insist that the humiliation remain sexual and erotic. Not all, but most. If the humiliation starts to be a kind of embarrassment that doesn't serve to get them more excited and turned on, it becomes a dealbreaker.

Most men who are attracted to humiliation want to be humiliated on a deeper, more existential level, that really cuts them at the core. Not all, again, for some that's a dealbreaker, but for those who are into the concept, it has to go past "gee you're sexually wanton" to something much more intense and attacking at the fabric of who they are and what they are.

The only reason I can determine is this: men and women's identities are challenged at different levels in the culture. When a man says "I'm this" it's much less often re-evaluated based on how people visually assess him. Unless of course, he's not white, then however he's sized up trumps whatever he says in similar fashion.

So people who are really certain of their identity are the people who are excited by these kinds of advanced challenges to it - some people are more socialized to be certain of their identity and worth, some less so but they overcome the obstacles till they are, and some people are extremely confident about certain things and other things are dealbreakers if you poke them too hard there.

Good post.
Too true.

Men DO take a different flavor of humiliation then women. And, as you had mentioned, it's primarily concerning socital limits and definitions as well as how "they" view you.
Society says the lowest form of woman on the planet is a hooker. One who shares their most intimate portions of the body for a baser element of monetary gain.
She is the lowest. Even bag ladies aren't viewed as poorly.
So it's status and social worth that women take to heart. To include all the degrading emotional/psychological brands that accompany a hooker. "Dirty, used, unclean, undesirable except for one quality alone (which, as we were taught from childhood, we must cherish and protect, etc.)

Now with men, you need to cut us deeper to the center as Netz had mentioned. With us it's more of a self-identity issue. We have more (societally and historically) that we need to uphoild and maintane. We must be tough, indipendant, strong, capable of performing sexually, we must have an average-to-large unit because we define our masculinity by our cocks, etc.
So with men there's more to hack at believe it or not. And that's because we feel we have more to hide concerning our emotions, etc.

To answer the origional question posted: Communication is paramount. He MUST know where your limits are. He MUST respect them, play within them until a time you indicate a desire for deeper or redirected play.
And you asked how do you recover from it after? How do you maintain your identities and mutual respect once the deed is done? Same way any couple engages eachother after an intimate interraction. With te realization that you both shared something unique to just you two. Weigh the pros and cons of enjoyment vs. lack thereof and communicate.
Aftercare? Simply clean up after play (whatever that entails) and lay together as a couple. Have him cradle you and you both pick three things that you find that yuou admire in one another.
He starts off and you follow. Go back and forth until you've both talked about three things/situations/moments/instances where each of you did something that just made you admire the other. (reinforcement) Because, after all, we are still human with feelings and one is being broken down when we humiliate another. And you do need balance.

Communicate clearly. Humiliation is a hard edge to dance along since it cuts so deeply and has such a potential for real psychological damage if both parties don't take steps to ensure the core of your relationship remains uneffected.

 

[faeriefire]

But almost all the women I've played with insist that the humiliation remain sexual and erotic.

When a man says "I'm this" it's much less often re-evaluated based on how people visually assess him.

So people who are really certain of their identity are the people who are excited by these kinds of advanced challenges to it - some people are more socialized to be certain of their identity and worth, some less so but they overcome the obstacles till they are, and some people are extremely confident about certain things and other things are dealbreakers if you poke them too hard there.

Thank you all. I'd quote this line and that line but decided not to go crazy listing everything I like and be redundant Netz, the thoughts above hit at the heart of my confusion. The idea of being 're-evaluated' and found lacking is probably my biggest fear. I already know who I am and really like the person I've become over my 21 years. I don't want to lose myself in exploring what turns me on. It's a huge help knowing that if I continue to respect myself and my limits and if my partner also knows me well enough to understand, we can openly communicate and continue to grow closer through exploration.

Velvet, thank you for giving me an example to wrap my head around. I also like the acknowledgement that respect should not be taken for granted.

SS, ahah! lightbulb moment thank you for your description of the beauty to be found in humility and humiliation.

twysted, I like the idea of maintaining balance by having a system in place to reaffirm eachother...will think more about this.

The men vs. women aspects some of you have talked about are interesting. On a generalized level I agree. Personally I have a lot of buttons from being raised as I was and attending Catholic school for 9 years. So for me there are a lot of things that seem humiliating that might be run-of-the-mill for others. It's a challenge to embrace my nature, but I'm getting there and the insights so far are going a long way in affirming that growth. Thank you.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Humiliation can be a strange and confusing area to traverse. For most it is important to find a way to separate what is done in scene from what is included or felt out of scene..for others where there isn't really a scene/RL division, the 2 can co-mix, blend, become more difficult to define...for others it becomes difficult for humiliation to take place as the relationship grows as there is security, knowledge, familiarity, and acceptance involved. What works for one, as in most things, doesn't work for everyone.

I think one of the best ways to avoid negative outcomes is to know yourself and accept who you are, and also to know your partner. Mind you, in some ways a stranger trying to humiliate would be less successful than someone known and loved for some. And as some have said, you can specify what areass are off limits and which ones you feel you could handle. There is no sin in taking baby steps so to speak until you feel more comfortable taking a leap into the unknown.

Catalina

 

[OneLustyWench]

Humiliation can be a strange and confusing area to traverse.
...

I think one of the best ways to avoid negative outcomes is to know yourself and accept who you are, and also to know your partner. Mind you, in some ways a stranger trying to humiliate would be less successful than someone known and loved for some. And as some have said, you can specify what areass are off limits and which ones you feel you could handle. There is no sin in taking baby steps so to speak until you feel more comfortable taking a leap into the unknown.

Catalina

You have no idea how much this posting means to me right now! I am still trying to traverse this area and was squicked out during some humiliation play. Taking that emotional self out of me and moving beyond is a lot of steps to cover and reading this is a big help to a soul in searching.
Wenchie

 

[BiBunny]

I'll preface this by saying I am a truly weird individual at times, and I have no idea if this will actually help or not. I'm going to sort of go off on a tangent from Netz's post and probably wind up somewhere way out in left field.

I'm one of the rare chicks who apparently has boy-brain enough that I like humiliation that, as Netz says, "cuts [me] at the core." A few sexually-based insults are fine, and, as a rule, that's how most dominants will go when you tell 'em you like to be humiliated because it's pretty easy to hurl "slut," "whore," and "bitch" at you. But what I crave is for someone to crawl inside my head and mock what he/she finds in there.

I don't even think that "crave" is a strong enough word. I need it. I need to be reduced to a crying mess. I need to feel worthless.

To me, respect doesn't really have anything to do with it. To humiliate me like I need to be humiliated requires someone to spend enough time getting to know me that I assume they at least care about me in a perfunctory way. But, if I'm honest with myself, I need to be at least somewhat unsure of my value within the relationship, not necessarily all the time, but sometimes.

I guess what it boils down to is that in my admittedly screwed-up head, hate and love feed off each other. The more I hurt, the more attached I'll become. If a dominant says or does things to me that make me hate him/her while he/she is doing them, then my love will only increase exponentially when the moment has passed. I'm not sure why I'm this way, and it could possibly be unhealthy. But there it is.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm more into objectification than humiliation, I think. I mean, I don't get off on lectures quite so much as being treated as a hole.

 

[Adakgirl]

There is a huge difference between someone calling you a "stupid bitch" or a "skanky slut" or saying something to you like "You are just a lowlife cum dumpster to me" "You don't mean jack shit to anyone" or "Your a worthless cunt"
for humiliation play purposes. Than someone saying those things and really meaning them. I don't think a PLY would move from saying those things in order to build sexual excitement, to believing they are true about his/her ply. I am sure it can and does happen occasionally. If it does, then it's time to re-evaluate that PLY and your relationship. Humiliation and degradation has it's place. When it moves out of that place, it then can easily become harmful to your self worth, it changes to verbal abuse, loathing and hate.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I'm more into objectification than humiliation, I think. I mean, I don't get off on lectures quite so much as being treated as a hole.

I never really considered the difference between the two but on reflection, Master's humiliation of me often takes the form of objectification. Pushes my buttons like few other kinks. The lectures have their place too though.

Maybe this is part of the gender wiring Netz was talking about; femsubs go more for objectification while malesubs relish the lectures?

Interesting.

 

[Pure]

comments on netz

good posting!

netz There is a gender based difference in humiliation players - and for the most part it's this.

Both men and women are attracted to humiliation in about equal numbers. But almost all the women I've played with insist that the humiliation remain sexual and erotic. Not all, but most. If the humiliation starts to be a kind of embarrassment that doesn't serve to get them more excited and turned on, it becomes a dealbreaker.

Most men who are attracted to humiliation want to be humiliated on a deeper, more existential level, that really cuts them at the core. Not all, again, for some that's a dealbreaker, but for those who are into the concept, it has to go past "gee you're sexually wanton" to something much more intense and attacking at the fabric of who they are and what they are.

The only reason I can determine is this: men and women's identities are challenged at different levels in the culture. When a man says "I'm this" it's much less often re-evaluated based on how people visually assess him. Unless of course, he's not white, then however he's sized up trumps whatever he says in similar fashion.

So people who are really certain of their identity are the people who are excited by these kinds of advanced challenges to it - some people are more socialized to be certain of their identity and worth, some less so but they overcome the obstacles till they are, and some people are extremely confident about certain things and other things are dealbreakers if you poke them too hard there.
-----

P: i agree with the gist, here, based on my limited experience.

as to the reasons for the difference, i'd suggest it could be because of what love means to the woman. as a 'wanton' she can be loved. she would not mind being nestled in her tormenter's arms.

the male bottom, in humiliation, is more like the dog who is put outside. while he may be certain of being loved, he has to feel the distance, and experience it. he feels more connected as his 'male pride' and 'human pride' are put on the line.

now, you suggest, as i read you, that the male is more certain of his identity. he has been out in the world, slaying dragons. however, the male retains a vulnerablility around sexual functioning, potency.
an obvious avenue of vulnerailbity is to remove that, or the ability to come.

 

[intothewoods]

I never really considered the difference between the two but on reflection, Master's humiliation of me often takes the form of objectification. Pushes my buttons like few other kinks. The lectures have their place too though.

Maybe this is part of the gender wiring Netz was talking about; femsubs go more for objectification while malesubs relish the lectures?

Interesting.

Mine doesn't go for lectures. A talking to, I should say. I've had these, and it's kind of hard to top me with these. My brain just starts going, and thinking of a response - or thinking, should I let go? Whereas with my PYL, the first time he did something very dramatic in terms of actions, I just went instant shock and awe on him.

 

[Netzach]

I want to be clear, the gender stuff is a trend I notice, not hard and fast rules. I'm an exception to them myself - I am much more interested in humiliation play that labels me stupid than slutty, or challenges the idea of my sexual desireability rather than reinforcing it. My humiliation bottoming highlight is still being my stud's dog in public, and when we do puppy play there's nothing normal about our sexuality, he'd no sooner fuck me than fuck a dog, and that puts my head in a special place.

I've got the guy wiring when it comes to that, which is probably why I play especially well with them.

 

[Netzach]

good posting!

netz There is a gender based difference in humiliation players - and for the most part it's this.

Both men and women are attracted to humiliation in about equal numbers. But almost all the women I've played with insist that the humiliation remain sexual and erotic. Not all, but most. If the humiliation starts to be a kind of embarrassment that doesn't serve to get them more excited and turned on, it becomes a dealbreaker.

Most men who are attracted to humiliation want to be humiliated on a deeper, more existential level, that really cuts them at the core. Not all, again, for some that's a dealbreaker, but for those who are into the concept, it has to go past "gee you're sexually wanton" to something much more intense and attacking at the fabric of who they are and what they are.

The only reason I can determine is this: men and women's identities are challenged at different levels in the culture. When a man says "I'm this" it's much less often re-evaluated based on how people visually assess him. Unless of course, he's not white, then however he's sized up trumps whatever he says in similar fashion.

So people who are really certain of their identity are the people who are excited by these kinds of advanced challenges to it - some people are more socialized to be certain of their identity and worth, some less so but they overcome the obstacles till they are, and some people are extremely confident about certain things and other things are dealbreakers if you poke them too hard there.
-----

P: i agree with the gist, here, based on my limited experience.

as to the reasons for the difference, i'd suggest it could be because of what love means to the woman. as a 'wanton' she can be loved. she would not mind being nestled in her tormenter's arms.

the male bottom, in humiliation, is more like the dog who is put outside. while he may be certain of being loved, he has to feel the distance, and experience it. he feels more connected as his 'male pride' and 'human pride' are put on the line.

now, you suggest, as i read you, that the male is more certain of his identity. he has been out in the world, slaying dragons. however, the male retains a vulnerablility around sexual functioning, potency.
an obvious avenue of vulnerailbity is to remove that, or the ability to come.

That's a pretty nicely fine-tuned breakdown that jives with my observations too.

 

[intothewoods]

I think the appeal of humiliation play about worth in terms of intelligence, not the good girl thing, is that if you've been brought up to reject traditional notions about women and their intellectual value, it seems very radical to fuck with that. I guess it's one of those things that you can't let be true out in the real world. There's no room for self doubt. I can't really be just a girl, or I wouldn't have my job, or anything I've accomplished. But in play, there is the safe space to go there.

 

[myinnerslut]

id say my need for attention overall is pretty high. that being said, if your going to humiliate me, you also have to make sure i can find the enjoyment in it or ill just be embarressed. for sexual things thats not really much of an issue. i tend to find this brand of humiliation right up my alley. for example, i LOVE having answers dragged out of me. being tole to give more and more detail till my face is burning, im whispering my ansers in embarressment, and squirming in arousal.

in the case of some larger intense scene that involved humiliation, i would need reassurance at the end. simple as that.

emotional aftercare: just as important as the physical.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

i LOVE having answers dragged out of me. being tole to give more and more detail till my face is burning, im whispering my ansers in embarressment, and squirming in arousal.

I'm wired this way too. I find it very hard to talk dirty or vocalise what I want (when he chooses to ask.) Of course he knows this so every now and again he'll make me be nastily explicit about the position I have chosen in his life and/or what I want him to do to me.

He also gets me to fantasise aloud sometimes, e.g. 'Say I brought a girl home and tied you up while I fucked her, what do you see me doing?' Then I have to describe the scene in detail for him.

It presses all my humiliation buttons.

 

[Zeus100]

I have found the humiliation aspect one which can so easliy be misconstrued,it has to be preconditioned by building empathy,chemistry,trust,respect and intimacy,when these are in place and its understood the submissive needs to explore and experience humiliation,degradation etc. then the foundation is in place.

Over the years I have had experience of brief situations and being asked to humiliate etc,in my early days even venturing into it prematurely...then it can go wrong,and that is not pleasant,causes feelings of rage,guilt,concern etc. and is difficult for both to contend with.

In the end its like everything,done with understanding as to why,with common sense and care......is a major element of mutual fulfillment.

 

[myinnerslut]

I'm wired this way too. I find it very hard to talk dirty or vocalise what I want (when he chooses to ask.) Of course he knows this so every now and again he'll make me be nastily explicit about the position I have chosen in his life and/or what I want him to do to me.

yes. i haave a good command of language to begin with (even if my spelling is horrid) but putting certain words in a certian order just freezes me up. so of course, i am expected to write expicitly, and of course he has fun pulling answers out of me when i want to clamp down.

humiliation. but damn sexy, at least for me.