Help with new Sub

[sethp]

Hey I've met a new sub and she hasn't actually came out and said that she's a sub and looking for a D but ...

ok met her and she mentioned reading a slave girl book.
then she mentioned one of her favorite stories on lit. a BDSM Story..then
she was glad I liked it after I read it and she's hinted that she is submissive and done online submissive role playing.

next how to proceed?

pm me or post in this thread if you have good ideas.
also good stories to send her to butter her up for the idea?
should I tell her to do something and see if she really will respond to her new "master"?

sethp

 

[catalina_francisco]

Firstly it sounds like you need to educate yourself. You are not her new Master, especially if you need to come here and ask us what you should do next. As for 'buttering her up'...once again, not a skill I would attribute to a Master. So advice? Educate yourself, forget about it being a way to get into her pants, communicate and see if both of you are remotely interested in the same things, and get to know her as a human being.

Catalina

 

[sethp]

Firstly it sounds like you need to educate yourself. You are not her new Master, especially if you need to come here and ask us what you should do next. As for 'buttering her up'...once again, not a skill I would attribute to a Master. So advice? Educate yourself, forget about it being a way to get into her pants, communicate and see if both of you are remotely interested in the same things, and get to know her as a human being.

Catalina

You are correct. but....

This will I think be both of our first times in these rolls and yes there is sexual side to this of course but...I guess what I'm asking is. She is very interesting and she is sub in her mind as I am a master in my mind but....connecting to reality even if it's very light..hard to do.

 

[snowy ciara]

But are you a Master in her mind?

I'm not saying that to be rude, but D/s isn't like an electrical outlet, where the plug HAS to go in the outlet because it's a plug and that's what plugs and outlets do to each other. It's more like a pair of puzzle pieces in a box of pieces. SOME of the pieces attach to each other, but not ALL of them do.

If I were you, I'd educate myself on BDSM, get to know her, and when you know her better, if she is a sub, ASK HER what she is looking for in a Master. For example, my friend mariposa's Master is a wonderful sexy man who I've played with once or twice, but he wouldn't be a good match for me in the long run. Graceanne really likes and gets along with my friend Blue Kat (a sometime poster here) they wouldn't be a good match because Grace is het and Kat is not. See what I mean? Puzzle pieces.

Also there are some people who don't like romantic love with their D/s or M/s. Seriously. One of my Lady's subs is purely a service submissive. While he does give her sexual service at times, they are not in love. They're friends. There was a letter to Savage Love last week that's been posted here (look for a thread about How to Dump a Submissive if you're interested in seeing the letter) where the writer has a total service agreement with a slave. He gets his house cleaned, dishes washed and an occasional bj when he wants one. No romantic or emotional involvement either.

Another thing to consider is that while she may have read a "slave girl book" doesn't mean that's what she wants for real. I've read about a third of the Gor books. I am not even remotely interested in a Gorean style relationship. I've read lots of vanilla romances. I'm never having another vanilla relationship in my life, if I can help it. I'd rather be single. Just because something is a real hot fantasy, it doesn't automatically follow that it's a hot reality.

The only way that you're going to find out what she wants is to get to know her and ask her. Do NOT assume. John Warren wrote a book called "the Loving Dominant" (which I recommend) where he tells a story about a couple who had experimented with some kinky stuff. He came home in full leathers and a hood, cornered her in the kitchen, informed her in a thunderous voice that He was the MASTER and she would now OBEY everything. She relocated his testicles around the area of his voice box. So for the safety of both of you, don't assume, and don't pull any surprise moves for now.

 

[Guest]

Since you're asking, and since you're a Master in your own mind but apparently without the benefit of real life experience, I completely agree that you need to educate yourself first. In all likelihood, you'll only get one chance with this lady to do it right--and if it's your first time as a "Master," you most likely won't do it right for her. You can prepare yourself first, or you can barge ahead and probably fuck it up.

Edited to add: Actually, the word you're looking for is "Dominant," which is a set of personality traits. You may well be Dominant, but that doesn't make a Master. Likewise, a "Top" may well be able to administer a good flogging, caning, or spanking, or carry out a scene, but that doesn't make them Masters or Mistresses. Legitimate Masters & Mistresses have enough education and training to know how to play safely, how and when to push a sub's limits (and even more importantly, when not to) and assume responsibility for the sub's well-being. It's a lot of responsibility.

 

[MzChrista]

Slow down your horses, man you are moving way too fast. Dont feel bad though. I think about 90% of new Doms make that mistake.

Look, right now youre a couple of tourists. Dont go buying any real estate without taking the time to check out the neighborhood.

 

[MzChrista]

But are you a Master in her mind?

I'm not saying that to be rude, but D/s isn't like an electrical outlet, where the plug HAS to go in the outlet because it's a plug and that's what plugs and outlets do to each other. It's more like a pair of puzzle pieces in a box of pieces. SOME of the pieces attach to each other, but not ALL of them do.

If I were you, I'd educate myself on BDSM, get to know her, and when you know her better, if she is a sub, ASK HER what she is looking for in a Master. For example, my friend mariposa's Master is a wonderful sexy man who I've played with once or twice, but he wouldn't be a good match for me in the long wrong. Graceanne really likes and gets along with my friend Blue Kat (a sometime poster here) they wouldn't be a good match because Grace is het and Kat is not. See what I mean? Puzzle pieces.

Also there are some people who don't like romantic love with their D/s or M/s. Seriously. One of my Lady's subs is purely a service submissive. While he does give her sexual service at times, they are not in love. They're friends. There was a letter to Savage Love last week that's been posted here (look for a thread about How to Dump a Submissive if you're interested in seeing the letter) where the writer has a total service agreement with a slave. He gets his house cleaned, dishes washed and an occasional bj when he wants one. No romantic or emotional involvement either.

Another thing to consider is that while she may have read a "slave girl book" doesn't mean that's what she wants for real. I've read about a third of the Gor books. I am not even remotely interested in a Gorean style relationship. I've read lots of vanilla romances. I'm never having another vanilla relationship in my life, if I can help it. I'd rather be single. Just because something is a real hot fantasy, it doesn't automatically follow that it's a hot reality.

The only way that you're going to find out what she wants is to get to know her and ask her. Do NOT assume. John Warren wrote a book called "the Loving Dominant" (which I recommend) where he tells a story about a couple who had experimented with some kinky stuff. He came home in full leathers and a hood, cornered her in the kitchen, informed her in a thunderous voice that He was the MASTER and she would now OBEY everything. She relocated his testicles around the area of his voice box. So for the safety of both of you, don't assume, and don't pull any surprise moves for now.

I went to some seminars John Warren did about, maybe 10 years ago. A lot of Domly Dom Bigshots didn't like him because he made those kind of points. Now, I gotta tell you something. Most of the people who didn't listen to him are long gone, and most of the people who did made bdsm work for them.

 

[Primalex]

As for 'buttering her up'...once again, not a skill I would attribute to a Master.

Hmm... now this is interesting.

So, assuming you are dominant and you want something and there is only a sleazy way to get it - is it more dominant to go this way or to not go this way?

*ponders*

 

[sethp]

Thanks for all the advice and posts

I do appreciate it.

she definatly is a sub and has even bound and gagged herself for a former mate who did not enjoy it...likes having her hair pulled ....and this is it.

as a new Dom....I think how it will play out is dating and then adding elements into it. but ..my mind always goes to those stories..like..Cell phone slave....google that..

but.....tis only fantasy.

 

[twysted73]

Here's a GOOD place to start.

http://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic...1863341?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1204957160&sr=1-1

THIS is a very fine "break in a new Dom/me" book for beginners.

It's a realistic and very human approach to being someone's Pyl. (pick your label....like, Master, Dominant, etc.)

Buy it, read it, use it BEFORE taking a step towards that trusting little subbie.

You owe it to her to know what you're doing if she places her trust (and body) in your hands.

Little tip: "If you own her mind, you own her." Get to know her likes, dislikes, expectations and, most importanlty, her ideas as to what Dominance means to her. That will help you avoid those nasty little pitfalls newbies get after watching bondage porn.
Hope it helps!
( take things sloooooow )

 

[FungiUg]

I'll reiterate what other people have posted.

Start out slow. Educate yourself, give yourself time to work out what it is you want to do with her, and what you want from her. Talk this stuff out. Plan something, make it small, and make sure you have discussed your plans ahead of time with you.

Yes, you lose the sponteneity. But for two newcomers, it's best to take is slower and safer and find some of the things you both enjoy. Then you can start adding in the surprises.

One thing to be aware of is that it (generally) takes time for a submissive to bond with a dominant and be able to fully trust enough to relax some of the guards and just be submissive. You as the dominant need to build not only the relationship but the level of trust. So taking it slow will also help with that.

Good luck, and you know where to find us whenever you have more questions.

Edited to add: don't fall into the trap of thinking because you are "the dominant", it's all about you. Any relationship has to give what the participants in the relationship need, otherwise the relationship ceases to exist. This is still true for dominant/submissive relationships. So as others have pointed out, it is vital for you to discover her needs and desires so you can ensure that you are working in the "win/win" area: the stuff that you both want. You can veer from that later, but to start with, that's the place you want to focus your attentions.

 

[BiBunny]

Edited to add: don't fall into the trap of thinking because you are "the dominant", it's all about you. Any relationship has to give what the participants in the relationship need, otherwise the relationship ceases to exist. This is still true for dominant/submissive relationships. So as others have pointed out, it is vital for you to discover her needs and desires so you can ensure that you are working in the "win/win" area: the stuff that you both want. You can veer from that later, but to start with, that's the place you want to focus your attentions.

Quoted because it's so good it needs to be repeated.