How can I get him to use me roughly?

[latineyesdream]

I am frustrated. I have tried to be subtle, forward, and tried to sneak in some rough foreplay in, and he seems clueless. We have discussed using rough sex, and he seems excited when we bring up the topic. Except when I try and get him to be aggressive, its like he shuts down. Then I just bring him off, and say its okay when I don't orgasm. Even though I masturbate once he's asleep. Any ideas??

 

[Muscadine_Eyes]

Have you tried explaining why you want to be used roughly?

If you don't know why yet, take some time to figure it out.

Otherwise, don't get in the habit of not asking for an orgasm.

 

[Laila_Aurora]

...................

 

[shyrebel]

Just tell him to fuck you like a dirty little whore.

 

[Paxter]

Just tell him to fuck you like a dirty little whore.

That would work for me.

Seriously, talk dirty to him and tell him you want to be fucked hard and rough. I find it such a turn on.

 

[Bluestreak363]

Just tell him to fuck you like a dirty little whore.

Yup. You need to take charge and help guide him to what you want him to do. Just asking him to up and "do it" the way you want won't work. Coercion works best! Talk dirty. Ask him to smack your ass. Pull your hair a bit. Man-handle you. Work up to it.

-R

 

[age_matters]

dude. i'm SO having the same issue. my bf's good in bed, but I want him to dominate me more...except when it comes time for it, it's a bit of a turn off to ASK him to get rough.

I feel your pain.

you don't have to ask...

demand...

how rough do you gals like to be ... "used"?

 

[Lalah]

You might want to rent or download a rough sex porn movie to watch beforehand. Maybe he doesn't know what to do and is nervous because of that. It's not so easy to figure out to be rough without going over the top when it's your first time trying it.

And ona plus size he'll be in the mood for it after watching the movie.

 

[aimouse]

If it's a turn off to ask, which I understand in a different context, is it worth asking a few times till he gets the idea, and once he's there, just lie back & enjoy.

Alternatively, if it works for you, bring some restraints into the bedroom (eg soft leather straps or even silk scarves, but not metal cuffs) and get him to tie you down. It's hard not to fuck like an animal when your partner is trussed up.

 

[JamieB]

I am frustrated. I have tried to be subtle, forward, and tried to sneak in some rough foreplay in, and he seems clueless. We have discussed using rough sex, and he seems excited when we bring up the topic. Except when I try and get him to be aggressive, its like he shuts down. Then I just bring him off, and say its okay when I don't orgasm. Even though I masturbate once he's asleep. Any ideas??

Some guys are just not aggressive or dominating in bed, and most people are brought up to believe violence and sex don't mix. It's also a sad truth that men tend to be very fucking stupid about what women want.

That's what you're up against here, and so if you really want rough sex with him, it will probably take some very clear, unambiguous, continuing direction from you for him to figure it out.

You've said you've tried rough foreplay, but maybe he thinks that's as far as you want it to go. I'd say during the act you need to be spelling it out in no uncertain terms..."Pull my hair...HARDER!" And then when and if he does, reward him with a sexy moan or gasp or on "Oh yess...like that!" Keep it up all the way through until (god willing) you cum, and then tell him how awesome it was afterwards. A few times like that might help him get the idea.

J

 

[Bluestreak363]

Some guys are just not aggressive or dominating in bed, and most people are brought up to believe violence and sex don't mix. It's also a sad truth that men tend to be very fucking stupid about what women want.

That's what you're up against here, and so if you really want rough sex with him, it will probably take some very clear, unambiguous, continuing direction from you for him to figure it out.

You've said you've tried rough foreplay, but maybe he thinks that's as far as you want it to go. I'd say during the act you need to be spelling it out in no uncertain terms..."Pull my hair...HARDER!" And then when and if he does, reward him with a sexy moan or gasp or on "Oh yess...like that!" Keep it up all the way through until (god willing) you cum, and then tell him how awesome it was afterwards. A few times like that might help him get the idea.

J

True. I, for one, don't care for rough sex.

In the end, fucking is fucking, and if a girl wants her hair pulled or her ass smacked, I can do it... but it's not really my thing. To me, sex is purely about pleasure; to involve pain or any rough element of play is alien. I understand some girls like it, but for some guys (like me), it's just not our thing and no matter how hard we try, we can't make it very real or get into it.

-R

 

[JamieB]

True. I, for one, don't care for rough sex.

In the end, fucking is fucking, and if a girl wants her hair pulled or her ass smacked, I can do it... but it's not really my thing. To me, sex is purely about pleasure; to involve pain or any rough element of play is alien. I understand some girls like it, but for some guys (like me), it's just not our thing and no matter how hard we try, we can't make it very real or get into it.

-R

I used to be the same way.

J

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

as far as i'm concerned - rough sex is the best sex!
My boyfriend is rough all the time - we have yet to have passionate sex - its always hott sex. Its awesome lol and damn is he good at it.

 

[SweetErika]

True. I, for one, don't care for rough sex.

In the end, fucking is fucking, and if a girl wants her hair pulled or her ass smacked, I can do it... but it's not really my thing. To me, sex is purely about pleasure; to involve pain or any rough element of play is alien. I understand some girls like it, but for some guys (like me), it's just not our thing and no matter how hard we try, we can't make it very real or get into it.

-R

The pleasure and pain centers of the brain are closely linked. To some, pain IS pleasure. It might help you to think about that, and that you're giving your lady the pleasure of what she really wants, craves, fantasizes about, when you encounter this situation.

Latin and Laila, I agree you should try being really explicit/descriptive/clear about what you want with your guys. Tell them exactly what you want and how far you're willing to go, what's okay and what's not okay. For example, you might say, "I want you to...":
...grab my hair and spank me while you're fucking me from behind.
...pinch and twist my nipples, like this... [demonstrate]
...call me names like...
...say...[things that turn you on]
...tie me up, fuck my mouth and pussy roughly
...pin me against the bed/wall, kiss me hard and finger me until I'm wet
...tie me down and tease me with your mouth, hands and cock until I beg you to let me come and then fuck me

In addition, create a safe word and signal together so you're both comfortable that things will stop when you want them to or are in trouble. The word can be something simple, like "safeword" or "red" - you want to choose something other than "no," "stop," "don't" and similar words you might use during play that could have double meanings. The signal can be something like tapping on the bed/wall three times or dropping keys or a ball, and ensures you can still stop everything when your mouth is covered, or you otherwise can't speak.

Most people are happy to dominate, even if that's not their thing, provided they know what to do, the boundaries and when to stop. As others have said, it's important for you to give him plenty of positive feedback and reinforcement when he does things you like, or moves in the right direction. If he's doing something you don't liike or you want something different, say, "that's good, but I bet this would be even better!" and describe or SHOW him exactly what you want him to do, then reward his efforts.

As for the orgasm thing, your guy that you really enjoy sex, but you'd love it even more if you could orgasm, so you want to focus on trying to get there first, before he comes. During your encounter, tell him what you want him to do to please you, e.g., give you more oral, stimulate your clit or g-spot (show him; give him lots of feedback when he's doing it!), use toys with/on you, etc. If you're unsatisfied by the time he wants to get off, just tell him you need more stimulation or an orgasm before you have sex.

You might also try dominating HIM a little, and "training" him to make you come before he does, then "rewarding" his efforts and good behavior. Most men love having their woman take charge, showing them what she likes, teasing and rewarding them. Besides teaching him what you like and getting your orgasms out of this, taking charge can also be a good, sexy way to show him what YOU like in terms of being dominated. When he's taking charge you can say, "Remember when I took charge and did XYZ to you? Well, I'd LOVE it if you did that, and ABC to me next time you take control!"

If you communicate clearly, think simply, show him what you want and reward his efforts, it shouldn't be that difficult to actually get it! Men are usually relatively simple creatures when it comes to sex, and they're generally eager to please us. It just takes some prompting and clear instructions on how they can do so. If they're not open to trying and learning, they're not worth your affection or attention.

 

[subwannabe]

I agree with lalah. He just might not understand what "rough sex" really is. Communicate it more with specifics and rent or buy a rough sex dvd. If you want him to blister your ass maybe you could blister his to let him know exactly what you mean. You might have to suffer through having to ask specifically what you want the first few times and hopefully he will take the ball and run with it. Make sure you also communicate that you don't mind showing and asking for what you want but after he gets used to it you would just like him to do it without having to ask.

 

[age_matters]

"no.... stop... don't... ahh ahh... ahh..."

which man wouldn't find that a turn on?

go with reverse psychology

 

[yourheroINfla]

treat him roughly, then hopefully he will treat you roughly.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Even if men are willing or desire to be more rough with their partner, many of them worry about how rough is good and how rough is too rough.

If your guy isn't into this at all, you may have to accept that. You can't push or coerce him into being dominant.

Talk to him about this explicitly. If you're old enough to be having sex, you're old enough to talk about it frankly. Do this outside of a sexual setting so he doesn't feel pressured to give you what you want straight away without taking time to reflect on what you've asked for. Ask him what he fantasises about and what you could do for him in return.

It may reassure him if you agree a safeword that's distinguishable from the whole 'no' means 'yes' thing. Let him know what you are comfortable with. After you've explained your expectations and limits he can run with it and see what he's comfortable with doing.

 

[aimouse]

As Erica says, make sure to keep any criticisms positive - getting told "don't do that" or even having my hand moved away (rather than towards) has been known to put me off even trying to initiate sex with a particular partner.

I'm not sure I'd go with the rough skin-flick. If he's not going to be comfortable with rough sex, and you need to bear in mind that maybe it won't change, watching other women getting "abused" may be painful for him.

Is it possible he, or an ex , have been the victim of genuine abuse?
One ex of mine was date raped. A later gf had rape fantasies & it was quite a while before I could role-play the rough sex she wanted.
You may need to be gentle with him if you want him to be rough with you.

 

[DarkLover]

Another idea would be to write down an erotic scene and describe in detail what you want him to do to you. This way he would know exactly what's okay.

 

[Annabelllee2003]

You could just grab him by the nards n twist. But he wouldn't get it.

Men and women think differently about most things.

Men aren't usually known for being or 'getting' subtle, and take things at face value. Men and women really do speak and think differently. Don't wait for him to get a clue.

It may be a turn off the first time you have to tell him what you like and want but boy-howdy think how good it can get when he gets good at it.

No lover, NONE, has ever complained when I told him what I like and how I like it. Works both ways.

Makes things easier for him.

 

[cuffed_kitten]

I agree, I think sometimes guys needs to have it spelled out for them because they're afraid they might be rough with you and have it turn out to be "too rough" for you, or "not what you meant". Its like they'd rather not do it than risk actually hurting you or making you scared of them. Telling him exactly what you'd like him to do, and then encouraging him with moans and things might be the way to go.

With my bf, sometimes I want him to be rough with me and he's hesitant in case he hurts me. When that happens, I tease him like crazy and when it gets to the point where he's flat out demanding I fuck him, I'm like "....make me - literally"

 

[Geeky_lover]

I have to agree with an earlier poster

I tend to connect violence during sex with rape and rape to me is a worse offense than murder (how many murder victims have their sex lives ruined and wake up with horrid nightmares for many months or years). From the sounds of it, I'm not alone when it comes to general perceptions but I think the the above is just another personalized perception of a option within sex.

PS: I'd loved to have quoted the poster, but I'm too much of a newbie to know how.

 

[blueyz22]

I am frustrated. I have tried to be subtle, forward, and tried to sneak in some rough foreplay in, and he seems clueless. We have discussed using rough sex, and he seems excited when we bring up the topic. Except when I try and get him to be aggressive, its like he shuts down. Then I just bring him off, and say its okay when I don't orgasm. Even though I masturbate once he's asleep. Any ideas??

dude. i'm SO having the same issue. my bf's good in bed, but I want him to dominate me more...except when it comes time for it, it's a bit of a turn off to ASK him to get rough.

I feel your pain.

I agree with both of you. It's like he's afraid to hurt me or something. Sometimes when I don't want it, he'll bite me too hard. But then when I want his hands around my neck he feels like being gentle. I don't get it.

 

[jan164]

Perhaps get him angry or really frustrated (or both) then get him hot while he is still worked up.
That's all I can think of. I have nto idea if it will work with your guy, but it might work with some.

Treating a partner rough is just not a problem for me, if that is what she wants.