How to deal...?

[PublicAffection]

Hello, I'm new to this board so bear with me if this isn't the proper place to post my dillemma.

I am getting married to a wonderful man later this year. We are planning on starting a family and growing old together. It's awesome.

He recently let me know that he wants to dress (occasionally) in femanine attire and would like me to dominate him. I knew that he enjoyed anal play, and while I'm still not totally comfortable with that yet - I have been doing my best to work through it so that he can have all that he desires in the bedroom as well as out of it. As far as the dominating goes... I'm not much of a dom. More of a sub who occasionally gets demanding .

But I am really <REALLY> having difficulty dealing with / accepting / coming to terms with him dressing in women's clothes. I understand that he doesn't want to BE a woman - he just likes the way they feel & likes the way he feels in them. But the idea has turned me into an emotional wreck.

I feel like his desire to wear women's clothes somehow impedes on my womanness, and really confuses me as to what my role in our relationship is... Until he let me know that he wanted these things, I had no concept that he would ever want any of this. There are a lot of feelings that I need help working through, and while he and I have talked about it (a lot) I feel like I need someone else to chat with who has delt with these feelings too.

Any advice on how to work through my issue would be greatly appreciated. Either via this thread, or in a PM.

Thanks for reading -

PA

 

[Netzach]

I like my husband dressed and I *still* have days where I confront this feeling - I don't have any sage advice on it, I'm afraid. I do think that communicating with your spouse and negotiating is important to being able to get more positives out of it than not. But also if you're really really not ever going to accept his crossdressing you are stuck in a relationship that will never fulfill you. If you can't find any upside or fun in it, it's going to stay a strong area of conflict.

But I don't think you're having an unexpected response. It's very ingrained.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

While this may at first sound like a smart-ass response, it's actually intended seriously:

Could you try to think of him - in his cross-dressing mood/mode - as a dress-up doll, so to speak, wherein you decide the clothing he wears, whether or not he wears makeup, or how much, etc.? That could both help you deal with the situation in the beginning, to make it a childish play scenario for you, and at the same time, give him both aspects that he wants: the cross-dressing and your domination of him (to some extent, at least) in determining his appearance.

It's just a thought, and I'm kinda groggy because my coughing woke me up, but it seems to me that some variation of this might help both of you deal with this situation. (If, that is, you decide you want to deal with/accept it.)

 

[FurryFury]

The first time I saw my husband in female clothing I panicked because it didn't jibe with what I thought he was or anything he'd previously revealed to me. I felt lied to. If he'd been me, he could have done such things often and not gotten caught but alas he is a male. LOL.

I only wanted to know a few things. One, was he attracted to me or had he been just playing me all this time. Two, was he gay or bi? (I was open to that btw.) Three, did he want to stay with me?

Once those things were cleared up, I was fine with it, though he claimed he hadn't done it before and wouldn't again. I told him I didn't have a problem with it if he did. I just wanted him to be honest with me about his desires.

You see I'd been with a man that lied to me often about what he wanted. I think he also lied to himself. I saw these lies as an emotional desertion.

A few years later my husband revealed to me a fantasy to dress up or rather be dressed up. At this time I was into my own fantasies which he had participated in, and more than happy to do for him.

Of course I'm a bit mean. So I made him wear a bathing suit I like and he hates (and had told me he did often, doh!) of mine. LMAO!

I had fun picking out the outfits, putting on the make up, wig and all. We did that a few times, different outfits. He didn't feel he looked at all like a girl. I guess I'm not that good at makeovers?

I am not a Dom but I tried to top. Usually I felt I'd failed miserably. He is a bit Sammy. That didn't help. Now and then we had some priceless moments.

He hasn't asked for it lately. He remarked to me back in May that he was glad we were over much of the kinky stuff and just being us again.

I had to explain to him that was far from the case for me. Instead I was simply too tired and creatively drained to keep coming up with ideas and leading the way.

*sigh*

I've never been upset that much about his fantasy or seen it as threatening to me once my intial fears were calmed with his answers to my questions. BUT if he had to have that every time we had sex, I would be bothered. In fact, anything that one must have every single time bothers me. My ex had to have music for instance. I didn't understand why anything was a must every single time. That bugged me.

Right now what bothers me is that sex is clearly NOT his passion. It's not even in the top five as far as I can tell.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I haven't ever had to deal with this myself but I would suggest keeping in mind a few things.

Your fiancé has met you and fallen for you. He is planning a future with you. That makes telling you about his cross-dressing quite a gamble for him. I'm sure he doesn't assume just because you've become amenable to anal play that anything goes.

I think it is a good thing that he wants to be honest with you about this before you take the next step and marry. I know that other men reveal these things afterwards and it can backfire spectacularly. Clearly, he's not willing to take that risk. At the same time, the fact that he's bringing this to the table suggests that it's something he has a deep desire for that is never going to diminish or go away.

We no longer live in a society where bisexuality or homosexuality is illegal or universally frowned upon. If he truly wanted to experiment with that or thought he was gay then he would be doing that rather than seeking marriage with you.

I think it's natural to be shocked and to wonder what his motivations are. You have every right to sit him down and find out (as Fury said) whether he has bisexual feelings or other issues going on.

It reads also as though you've accommodated his sexual needs so far and have a kind of 'where will it end?' attitude to this new revelation. Again, that's an understandable response.

I think that you need to establish how far you are willing to take this with him and also how much of your sex life and intimacy together you're willing to devote to his fetishes. If he's looking for someone to be dominant all the time or whenever you're in the bedroom and you know for a fact that you can't do that, now is the time to say so. He has started this dialogue with you, so you should be honest about your feelings and have your say.

I also think that he should be reminded that just because you don't have a string of alternative desires and fetishes that you want to be fulfilled, doesn't make your sexual needs any less important than his. I can understand that he needs reassurance from you that cross-dressing isn't a deal breaker but if all you were ever looking for from him was nice, normal, mainstream lovemaking then time should be set aside for that to ensure that you both get what you want and neither of you becomes resentful of the other person's tastes. You say that you're more submissive than dominant, perhaps you can negotiate that sometimes he switches roles and takes the lead?

I hope you can work this all out but remember that whatever you decide you're comfortable with now, you're stuck with for the foreseeable future. If that makes you unrealistically incompatible, you may have to make some difficult decisions.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Ponder why you are squiked by it, define it for yourself, then try to explore what it is about that which threatens you or makes you edgy, and why. That IMO is the most logical way past it and may lead to you actually being able to accept and enjoy it. One thing to keep in mind is he obviously trusts you enough to confide in you about his needs, and that is not easily found in today's world of transient relationships and personal insecurities.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/147/379869681_ec002c3bb5_t.jpg Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

GREAT post VelvetDarkness!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

GREAT post VelvetDarkness!

Thanks Fury.

 

[RJMasters]

There seems to be a lot of things here which should be resolved before the two of you get married. I also think you need to consider that you are not just dealing with you and him but you also have plans to have a family and these issues are going to expotential multiply when and if children come into the picture.

there is no one formula for what makes a relationship successful, but compatability is important in most cases for long term success. The problem before you is not one of right or wrong as there is nothing inheriently wrong with a man wearing woman clothes, and if you think about it, women have been wearing men type clothes for a long time now. I think however there is a big difference in the reason you wearing jeans or pants and his reason for wearing a dress or women's underclothing.

When I read your post these are the things which jump out at me.

Him:
1. he wants to dress (occasionally) in femanine attire
2. he would like me to dominate him.
3. he enjoys anal play


You:
1. having difficulty dealing with / accepting / coming to terms with him dressing in women's clothes. His desire to wear women's clothes somehow impedes on my womanness, and really confuses me as to what my role in our relationship is. The idea has turned me into an emotional wreck
2. As far as the dominating goes - you identfy more as submissive
3. I'm still not totally comfortable with anal

Because of this I think you are both not compatible. To tell you otherwise would be shining you on. I also think that you are lying to yourself when you said...

"I understand that he doesn't want to BE a woman, he just likes the way they feel & likes the way he feels in them"

That to me sound more like a rationalization on your part, when the truth is you really don't understand, hence is why its turning you into an emotional wreck. I think it is admirable that he has been honest and open with you about his needs, but I think there are somethings which are still not being discussed and understood. Is he being completely honest and disclosing everything about why he likes to wear women's clothing? Are you capable of accepting and understanding his deeper needs for wanting to do this?

You cannot change what you like and what you don't like. If you didn't like the tatse of brusselsprouts and you came here and said you were in a relationship with a person who likes to eat brussel sprouts occasionaly and would like advice on how to help you like brussel sprouts, well....I'm sorry, there is no answer for that. If you don't like it, then you don't like it. Its great that you can be open minded to accept things about your partner, but that doesn't mean you should not accept things about yourself or deny things about yourself.

If you want to make the effort to "learn to live" with not being comfortable with giving anal sex, taking on a dominate sexual role, and a partner who likes to cross dress, for the rest of your life, then that is your decision. Many people make that same decision to do so because they love the other person enough. Some people make it, most don't because it tends to build up over the years until it becomes bigger than the love and the relationship ultimately falls apart, or they live together unhappy because one or the other stop trying.

My advice is to put it to a serious test so that you can see if after that you are both willing to do what it takes to make it work or to just see if you can live with it. I would purpose to him that for a solid month while he is at home he must wear woman's clothes, and go the whole 10 yards to include makeup "the works". I would force him to fuck himself with a dildo while I stood over him and watched or would use the dildo on him. This test for a solid month would in my opinion give you a chance to see if you will be able to deal with it, it will give him a good taste of it to test his own reasons for doing it.

If you can't do it for a solid month, then what are the chances of dealing with it for a lifetime?

Hope I gave you somethings to think about. Good luck to you.

~RJ

 

[FurryFury]

Re: He enjoys anal play. I do too. I think that it's only fair to give back.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thought it worth adding that IME more men than not enjoy anal play on some level, and many of those are not into crossdressing so there is no need to necessarily associate the two and see it as a growing problem. One of the reasons many of them enjoy it is because of the nerve endings which are in that area and bring enormous erotic pleasure when stimulated.

Catalina

 

[PublicAffection]

Thank you all for your posts. We do love eachother very much and are both committed to finding some common ground on this. I don't see his desire to dress up as wrong or as a deal breaker - but i have had a very strong emotional response to it.

I like my husband dressed and I *still* have days where I confront this feeling - I don't have any sage advice on it, I'm afraid.

Just knowing that someone else has had even an inkling of how I feel makes me feel better. I have felt that I have no one to talk to about this, and it's made me feel very closed off - and as if something is wrong with me because "no one else seems to have these feelings, why can't I just be ok with it??"

Could you try to think of him - in his cross-dressing mood/mode - as a dress-up doll, so to speak, wherein you decide the clothing he wears, whether or not he wears makeup, or how much, etc.?

This sounds like a great idea. I've never been much of a dress-er upp-er, not even when I was a kid - but it might be less scary if it was a game.

The first time I saw my husband in female clothing I panicked because it didn't jibe with what I thought he was or anything he'd previously revealed to me. I felt lied to. If he'd been me, he could have done such things often and not gotten caught but alas he is a male. LOL.

I only wanted to know a few things. One, was he attracted to me or had he been just playing me all this time. Two, was he gay or bi? (I was open to that btw.) Three, did he want to stay with me?

This is how I have felt. He is very open and honest with me - but it leaves this little voice in the back of my head that wonders what else he's hiding? How far is it going to go? We have talked about the same things you mentioned above. He is attracted to me - and has experimented in the past and concluded that he's not bi or gay - he just likes women's clothes. We also both dearly want to be together.

I think it is a good thing that he wants to be honest with you about this before you take the next step and marry. I know that other men reveal these things afterwards and it can backfire spectacularly. Clearly, he's not willing to take that risk. At the same time, the fact that he's bringing this to the table suggests that it's something he has a deep desire for that is never going to diminish or go away.

I am also glad that he told me about this before we married. We have talked about the issue of timing and as I told him, there really wouldn't be a "better" time for him to have told me about this. If he had told me when we first started dating I'm not sure how I would have reacted - if he had waited until after the wedding... I'm sure it wouldn't have gone over well. I am very aware that this is something that I need to accept because it isn't going to go away. I have my own desires and I know that if someone told me to stop desiring those things there would be no way for me to stop them. I will not put him in the situation of having to stop dressing up, because long term that isn't really a solution for either of us. Also, where you mentioned my "where will it end" thought process... that is quite how it is. We have talked about setting some sort of limit to it - but I don't want to hold him back from being who he wants to be. At the same time, I don't want to marry a man that I love completely and have him turn into someone else. (Long store short - I have a friend who after 20 years of marriage announced to everyone that he wanted to be a woman - his wife was somehow able to cope with being married to "Susan" instead of "Sam" - and I have no idea how I would ever handle that were I in her same position).

Ponder why you are squiked by it, define it for yourself, then try to explore what it is about that which threatens you or makes you edgy, and why. That IMO is the most logical way past it and may lead to you actually being able to accept and enjoy it. One thing to keep in mind is he obviously trusts you enough to confide in you about his needs, and that is not easily found in today's world of transient relationships and personal insecurities.

My concerns are mainly the feeling of losing the sense of really knowing him - feeling like I am so close to him that I know everything about him (it is obvious now that I don't), and my own issues of coming from a past of abuse. I had a lot of insecurities BEFORE this reveal, and now everything feels like it's being amplified. I realize that it isn't his fault that I feel this way. He is just being honest, and I am appreciative that he can confide in me. I'm just not a very girly girl - and if he's dressing more beautifully than me then it makes me feel like I've lost my hold on the girlfriend/wife aspect of our relationship. It's confusing and muddled, and I apologize if it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Because of this I think you are both not compatible. To tell you otherwise would be shining you on. I also think that you are lying to yourself when you said...

"I understand that he doesn't want to BE a woman, he just likes the way they feel & likes the way he feels in them"
That to me sound more like a rationalization on your part, when the truth is you really don't understand, hence is why its turning you into an emotional wreck.

Rationally, I do understand that he doesn't want to be a woman. Emotionally, I fear that his desires will evolve into something that I definately cannot handle. My image of him has been dischevled - the concept of who I thought he was has changed. It is emotionally difficult to be so sure that you want to be with someone forever & for them to drop in, "Oh yeah, by the way..." It brings uncertainty to a future that was certain, and fear to a soul that was calm. As for making him dress like a woman for a month - that is not something that I am able to do right now. I have difficulty helping him shop for clothes to play in and I refuse to push myself beyond my limits. Part of the problem is that I really need to ease into this whole thing - it is very new and foreign to me; and as soon as he revealed his desires and I didn't reject him - he started building an entire wardrobe. It seemed to go from, "This is something I would like to do" to "What do you think of these shoes with that bra?" overnight. It is very overwhelming, and if I subjected myself to a plan of living with him in woman's gear for a month it would most certainly be my downfall. Like I explained to him when I asked him to slow things down - this is something he's desired for decades & it's something that I've only been thrust into in the last few weeks. While he's had time to sort out his feelings and desires - I've had roughly 30 days to adjust.

Re: He enjoys anal play. I do too. I think that it's only fair to give back.

I am still at a point in my life where I have difficulty playing with my OWN ass - so the prospect of playing with his is even more of a stretch for me. My body wasn't my own for the majority of my life - and trying to recover from being used and abused is another tangent to our sexual relationship. I am still trying to learn to love my own body - and so it puts even more strain on things. Someday I hope to be able to give it to him when he wants it, where he wants it and how. We're getting there together - it's just going to take a while.

Thought it worth adding that IME more men than not enjoy anal play on some level, and many of those are not into crossdressing so there is no need to necessarily associate the two and see it as a growing problem. One of the reasons many of them enjoy it is because of the nerve endings which are in that area and bring enormous erotic pleasure when stimulated.

I know that that anal play doesn't indicate that someone is gay or bi or whatever. It's just the combination of strap on sex and him in a negligee is difficult for me to deal with.

 

[OnDisplay]

Face it ... Do you ever wonder what is like to have a penis ? Men want to know what is like to have a vagina. We like to be dominated.

 

[PublicAffection]

Face it ... Do you ever wonder what is like to have a penis ? Men want to know what is like to have a vagina. We like to be dominated.

No. Should I?

 

[intothewoods]

I certainly don't have all the answers on predicting if a marriage can go the distance, but my therapist says that the test is really how you get through a crisis together. Amongst other things, but anyway. What I'm trying to say is this isn't necessarly a dealbreaker; it depends on how you two get through it. I highly recommend you do some joint counseling before going further, because it is an excellent opportunity to strengthen your communication skills.

 

[LilyBart]

There seems to be a lot of things here which should be resolved before the two of you get married. I also think you need to consider that you are not just dealing with you and him but you also have plans to have a family and these issues are going to expotential multiply when and if children come into the picture.

there is no one formula for what makes a relationship successful, but compatability is important in most cases for long term success. The problem before you is not one of right or wrong as there is nothing inheriently wrong with a man wearing woman clothes, and if you think about it, women have been wearing men type clothes for a long time now. I think however there is a big difference in the reason you wearing jeans or pants and his reason for wearing a dress or women's underclothing.

When I read your post these are the things which jump out at me.

Him:
1. he wants to dress (occasionally) in femanine attire
2. he would like me to dominate him.
3. he enjoys anal play


You:
1. having difficulty dealing with / accepting / coming to terms with him dressing in women's clothes. His desire to wear women's clothes somehow impedes on my womanness, and really confuses me as to what my role in our relationship is. The idea has turned me into an emotional wreck
2. As far as the dominating goes - you identfy more as submissive
3. I'm still not totally comfortable with anal

Because of this I think you are both not compatible. To tell you otherwise would be shining you on. I also think that you are lying to yourself when you said...

"I understand that he doesn't want to BE a woman, he just likes the way they feel & likes the way he feels in them"

That to me sound more like a rationalization on your part, when the truth is you really don't understand, hence is why its turning you into an emotional wreck. I think it is admirable that he has been honest and open with you about his needs, but I think there are somethings which are still not being discussed and understood. Is he being completely honest and disclosing everything about why he likes to wear women's clothing? Are you capable of accepting and understanding his deeper needs for wanting to do this?

You cannot change what you like and what you don't like. If you didn't like the tatse of brusselsprouts and you came here and said you were in a relationship with a person who likes to eat brussel sprouts occasionaly and would like advice on how to help you like brussel sprouts, well....I'm sorry, there is no answer for that. If you don't like it, then you don't like it. Its great that you can be open minded to accept things about your partner, but that doesn't mean you should not accept things about yourself or deny things about yourself.

If you want to make the effort to "learn to live" with not being comfortable with giving anal sex, taking on a dominate sexual role, and a partner who likes to cross dress, for the rest of your life, then that is your decision. Many people make that same decision to do so because they love the other person enough. Some people make it, most don't because it tends to build up over the years until it becomes bigger than the love and the relationship ultimately falls apart, or they live together unhappy because one or the other stop trying.

My advice is to put it to a serious test so that you can see if after that you are both willing to do what it takes to make it work or to just see if you can live with it. I would purpose to him that for a solid month while he is at home he must wear woman's clothes, and go the whole 10 yards to include makeup "the works". I would force him to fuck himself with a dildo while I stood over him and watched or would use the dildo on him. This test for a solid month would in my opinion give you a chance to see if you will be able to deal with it, it will give him a good taste of it to test his own reasons for doing it.

If you can't do it for a solid month, then what are the chances of dealing with it for a lifetime?

Hope I gave you somethings to think about. Good luck to you.

~RJ

A very well thought out response. Honestly.

However, the old goat shouting out here....

First, I think its awesome that you are both this up front about your sexual needs. We do fall in love with much beyond sex, after all.

My husband never, ever gave me an inkling about his thing about women's clothes, until 20 years later. And back then, I would have been appalled. Now, I, ummm...think its hawt.

But we've also experienced a bunch of ups and downs (non-sexual) that binds us together with tighter ropes, so to speak. So yeah...he could wear high-heels to bed every night and I'd be happy. And I'm not in to high-heels on a guy.

(Oh, and our children have reached adulthood unscathed, mostly Of course, unscathed has nothing to do with our sex life. 'nother story, different board. )

 

[Marquis]

You know, I think I am speaking from my absolute honest center when I say I cannot recall ever wondering what it must be like to have a vagina.

No, that's not true, somehow I can remember tucking my cock in between my legs and looking in the mirror. Talking about it is kinda making me want to do it right now.

Not to make light of what you're going through, PublicAffection, but it kills me how fixated people get on things like this.

I can remember making jokes with my semi-ex-submissive C that would imply an interest in men. She could never quite roll with the joke. I couldn't compliment another man's physique without it being perceived as a shocking admission of my latent homosexuality.

I'm not sure if this is a fair correlation, but I notice that lo, who is very comfortable with being bisexual, has never given me an awkward response to comments like that. C on the other hand, says three hail mary's after every time she eats pussy.

Again, I understand this is very difficult to deal with and there are definitely issues that could put me in this position. I just think it's important not to project our own issues on to our partner. Could be that dressing up like a woman is hardly the life altering obsession for this guy that it's being made out to be.

I don't think it has to change anything you think you know about him or your relationship. If there was a funny noise downstairs, he probably wouldn't be handing you the flashlight.

 

[PublicAffection]

I certainly don't have all the answers on predicting if a marriage can go the distance, but my therapist says that the test is really how you get through a crisis together. Amongst other things, but anyway. What I'm trying to say is this isn't necessarly a dealbreaker; it depends on how you two get through it. I highly recommend you do some joint counseling before going further, because it is an excellent opportunity to strengthen your communication skills.

We have been through a lot since we first got together, and I believe this to be just another hurdle to get through with eachother. Counseling will indeed help once it is set up & we get our schedules to mesh enough to go.

 

[PublicAffection]

A very well thought out response. Honestly.

However, the old goat shouting out here....

First, I think its awesome that you are both this up front about your sexual needs. We do fall in love with much beyond sex, after all.

My husband never, ever gave me an inkling about his thing about women's clothes, until 20 years later. And back then, I would have been appalled. Now, I, ummm...think its hawt.

But we've also experienced a bunch of ups and downs (non-sexual) that binds us together with tighter ropes, so to speak. So yeah...he could wear high-heels to bed every night and I'd be happy. And I'm not in to high-heels on a guy.

(Oh, and our children have reached adulthood unscathed, mostly Of course, unscathed has nothing to do with our sex life. 'nother story, different board. )

Indeed, I love him for far more than the sexual side of him. Which is why I am committed to working through my fears and allowing this side of his sexuality to exist. It's just easier said than done - and is a bit draining at the moment. The good times and the bad times with eachother have given us a bond that isn't easily unravled, and it's not like I am planning on leaving him over this. I just need to find my way through it.

 

[BiBunny]

You know, I think I am speaking from my absolute honest center when I say I cannot recall ever wondering what it must be like to have a vagina.

No, that's not true, somehow I can remember tucking my cock in between my legs and looking in the mirror. Talking about it is kinda making me want to do it right now.

Not to make light of what you're going through, PublicAffection, but it kills me how fixated people get on things like this.

I can remember making jokes with my semi-ex-submissive C that would imply an interest in men. She could never quite roll with the joke. I couldn't compliment another man's physique without it being perceived as a shocking admission of my latent homosexuality.

I'm not sure if this is a fair correlation, but I notice that lo, who is very comfortable with being bisexual, has never given me an awkward response to comments like that. C on the other hand, says three hail mary's after every time she eats pussy.

Again, I understand this is very difficult to deal with and there are definitely issues that could put me in this position. I just think it's important not to project our own issues on to our partner. Could be that dressing up like a woman is hardly the life altering obsession for this guy that it's being made out to be.

I don't think it has to change anything you think you know about him or your relationship. If there was a funny noise downstairs, he probably wouldn't be handing you the flashlight.

*Nods* This was a much nicer way of saying what I was thinking. He's still the same man, panties or not. And, too, I know it's hard to believe when you're shocked about something like this, but it's really not about you. It has nothing to do with you, other than the fact that he chose to share it with you, which is a good thing, IMO.

 

[PublicAffection]

You know, I think I am speaking from my absolute honest center when I say I cannot recall ever wondering what it must be like to have a vagina.

No, that's not true, somehow I can remember tucking my cock in between my legs and looking in the mirror. Talking about it is kinda making me want to do it right now.

Not to make light of what you're going through, PublicAffection, but it kills me how fixated people get on things like this.

I can remember making jokes with my semi-ex-submissive C that would imply an interest in men. She could never quite roll with the joke. I couldn't compliment another man's physique without it being perceived as a shocking admission of my latent homosexuality.

I'm not sure if this is a fair correlation, but I notice that lo, who is very comfortable with being bisexual, has never given me an awkward response to comments like that. C on the other hand, says three hail mary's after every time she eats pussy.

Again, I understand this is very difficult to deal with and there are definitely issues that could put me in this position. I just think it's important not to project our own issues on to our partner. Could be that dressing up like a woman is hardly the life altering obsession for this guy that it's being made out to be.

I don't think it has to change anything you think you know about him or your relationship. If there was a funny noise downstairs, he probably wouldn't be handing you the flashlight.

I've honestly never wondered what it would be like to have a penis. That said, I find women attractive and I'm not put off when my s/o says a man is attractive. People are attractive. Well... some more than others.

Logically I understand that a man in women's clothes doesn't cause the world to turn on its axis and hellfire to spew forth from heavens. Emotions don't always follow logic though, and emotions are heavily involved in this situation. And I hope that he doesn't hand me the flashlight when there's a funny noise... funny noises are scary.

 

[LilyBart]

*Nods* This was a much nicer way of saying what I was thinking. He's still the same man, panties or not. And, too, I know it's hard to believe when you're shocked about something like this, but it's really not about you. It has nothing to do with you, other than the fact that he chose to share it with you, which is a good thing, IMO.

A very good thing.

That's all I can say.

 

[Marquis]

Logically I understand that a man in women's clothes doesn't cause the world to turn on its axis and hellfire to spew forth from heavens. Emotions don't always follow logic though, and emotions are heavily involved in this situation.

No, they don't. Your emotions are prone to love, loyalty and other feats of humanity that your logical, adult side aren't capable of. Your emotional inner child is also prone to short-sightedness and stubbornness beyond reason.

I'm not picking on you personally, (in fact, I'm doing plenty of my own venting here) but simply saying "emotions don't always follow logic" doesn't exactly let you off the hook.

I think it's important that your inner child have a voice, but it will wreak havoc if you let it run things.

 

[catalina_francisco]

And, too, I know it's hard to believe when you're shocked about something like this, but it's really not about you. It has nothing to do with you, other than the fact that he chose to share it with you, which is a good thing, IMO.

Not sure I totally agree with this because if you are in a serious relationship (as in planning to spend your life together as a couple) it is about both people and definately does have something to do with the partner because it is affecting them and the relationship. Being part of a serious and caring relationship is about sharing and working together to make it workable and pleasant for both, not one partner saying 'fuck you' and doing what they want without thought to how that impacts on the other person. It is great he has been honest about his needs, but I suspect the reason why he did that was because he respected her, their relationship and future, and wanted to be able to work through this together rather than have it all blow up in his face at some point leaving him still with his desires and the clothes that go with it, but without the person he loves and shared life with...it is cold comfort when sitting alone and lonely to say it had nothing to do with them and was all about you.

Catalina

 

[PublicAffection]

No, they don't. Your emotions are prone to love, loyalty and other feats of humanity that your logical, adult side aren't capable of. Your emotional inner child is also prone to short-sightedness and stubbornness beyond reason.

I'm not picking on you personally, (in fact, I'm doing plenty of my own venting here) but simply saying "emotions don't always follow logic" doesn't exactly let you off the hook.

I think it's important that your inner child have a voice, but it will wreak havoc if you let it run things.

I completely agree, which is why I am making attempts at quieting the emotions and working through this so that we can continue to move forward in our relationship. I'm not trying to get off the hook - if I did I wouldn't bother with it and would just tell him that it won't work & call the whole thing off.

That is not what I want to happen. I love him deeply and want to be able to accept all sides of him, because I do want to be with him until death (or zombie invasion) do us part.