it's all about chemistry

[Guest]

its got to be there. if chemistry's not there you cant make it be there

someone can be everything youve ever wanted but if the chemistry's not there its kinda pointless.

you know what i mean. that mind blowing attraction that makes your knees weak and makes you do silly things

tell me about it. the times when you've felt chemistry. what was it like? did you do something about it? who was it with? how did it make u feel? does it happen a lot to you? is it all about sex or is love part of it too?

 

[oggbashan]

I have that sort of chemistry with one of my wife's friends.

She's happily married. I'm married (obviously) and happily.

We can talk for hours about nothing and just enjoy each other's company.

Yet in so many respects we are opposites. She's asthmatic, suffers from osteoporosis, is a practising musician and musical teacher.

I smoke (but not near her). I can endure very polluted air without a problem. I have ankylosing spondilitis which means (among other things) my bones are TOO dense. I cannot play any musical instrument.

There is no sex between us, not even in conversation.

All we do is hug each other once whenever we meet which is only a few times a year.

I know that if there is something I can do for her or her family she will call.

She knows that if there is something she can do for me or my family I will call.

Her daily life would drive me up the wall. Mine would do the same for her.

What are we? Friends who have chemistry...

Og

 

[impressive]

It's NOT pointless. It's just not "everything."

If you're looking for "everything" in one person, I think you're setting yourself up for continual disappointment.

But, it's drummed into us by this monogamous culture that we're supposed to find this one absolute person who'll fulfill us, complete us, meet our every physical and emotional need.

*sigh*

In spite of what I know, I still crave it. It's unfair to the other person. It's unfair to ME and MY happiness.

I think the healthiest such relationships are those that are accepting of the other's strengths & weaknesses without seeking to mold them, change them into their vision of the ideal.

 

[Guest]

What are we? Friends who have chemistry...

Og

thats sweet

 

[Guest]

It's NOT pointless. It's just not "everything."

If you're looking for "everything" in one person, I think you're setting yourself up for continual disappointment.

But, it's drummed into us by this monogamous culture that we're supposed to find this one absolute person who'll fulfill us, complete us, meet our every physical and emotional need.

*sigh*

In spite of what I know, I still crave it. It's unfair to the other person. It's unfair to ME and MY happiness.

I think the healthiest such relationships are those that are accepting of the other's strengths & weaknesses without seeking to mold them, change them into their vision of the ideal.

i've felt chemistry with a few people. i'm not looking for the one and only and monogamy is def not for me

what i'm getting at is theres attraction that's either there or its not. dont know if it can be explained.

i've been wondering about it. cause you can have all the things you love in one person and the chemistry can still not be there. and you cant make it be there.

its like magic

 

[oggbashan]

When I was in my twenties I experienced the downside of chemistry.

I was strongly attracted to a woman who felt nothing at all for me.

I was harrassed, I suppose you would now call it stalked, by a woman who thought that I was potentially her perfect mate yet I felt nothing for her except pity.

Both experiences hurt each of us. I am still occasionally in touch with the woman who didn't want me. My attraction to her is still there but very faint. She seems to appreciate me as a friend which was not what I wanted then. Now that is enough.

Og

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Naaah. Go without nookie for a while and the chemistry is fabu with everyone.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

I thought I had chemistry with a few people, but it really didn't get me anything but a conversation here and there.

I know I didn't have any chemistry with the last woman I slept with.

 

[sweetness6280]

It's NOT pointless. It's just not "everything."

If you're looking for "everything" in one person, I think you're setting yourself up for continual disappointment.

But, it's drummed into us by this monogamous culture that we're supposed to find this one absolute person who'll fulfill us, complete us, meet our every physical and emotional need.

*sigh*

In spite of what I know, I still crave it. It's unfair to the other person. It's unfair to ME and MY happiness.

I think the healthiest such relationships are those that are accepting of the other's strengths & weaknesses without seeking to mold them, change them into their vision of the ideal.

That statement sums up my philosophy on relationships. The difficulty is in finding another who believes the same.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I'm confident there are poor souls amongst us who feel victimized because society criminalizes oh! cannibalism and blood drinking.

 

[impressive]

When I was in my twenties I experienced the downside of chemistry.

I was strongly attracted to a woman who felt nothing at all for me.

I was harrassed, I suppose you would now call it stalked, by a woman who thought that I was potentially her perfect mate yet I felt nothing for her except pity.

Both experiences hurt each of us. I am still occasionally in touch with the woman who didn't want me. My attraction to her is still there but very faint. She seems to appreciate me as a friend which was not what I wanted then. Now that is enough.

Og

I've experienced these downsides, too. They usually fit into one of the following categories:

a) I think you are my perfect mate, but you don't think I'm yours.

Add: I will bend myself into whatever mold you desire. Just lemme be with/close to you, pretty pretty please. (Not sustainable or healthy, IMO.)​

b) You think I'm your perfect mate, but I don't think you're mine.

Add: And, no, please don't go bending yourself into the mold you think I desire. I can see right through that and, well, I just don't feel "it" with you. Sorry.​

c) You could be my perfect mate if only you would change this, this, and this.

d) I could be your perfect mate if only I would change that, that, and that.


Very few people can sustain close relationships when (a) or (b) are in place. Eventually, the inequity in feelings begins to chafe. The missing pieces show up in another person and attention shifts, causing discord and feelings of "Why can't s/he get that from me?"

I believe (c) and (d) are the shaky foundations of a LOT of long-term, committed relationships.

Then, there are the relationships in which the chemistry is there IN ABUNDANCE, but everything else is just soooooooooooo wrong.