Submission (Poetry)

[bellatonks]

Just sharing and I'm new around here so please be gentle if you want to provide feedback.

SUBMISSION

The pink readiness of your mouth,
and the clever way of your words,
seduces my inhibitions.
You unravel me with your mind,
the grey mirrors of your eyes,
challenging me into submission.
Your logic circles above me,
and you scavenge my trepidation,
picking ravenously at my being.
I lie as Prometheus bound,
stretched out towards the sun,
that dances across your wings.
The pale fronds of your hair,
fall softly and tempt my fingers,
that curl towards release.
You taste of a peaches and cream sunset,
Tangy, warm and wonderful,
and sometimes blinding.
Your cheekbone hotly glows,
Against the lily-soft valley,
Which cradles my heartache.
The elegant grace you possess,
Makes me humble in awe,
And I am resigned.

 

[AChild]

Hey hey I'm a monkey

Welcome, Welcome. Thank you for posting your poem here. How long have you been writing poetry? Where do you see your poems in five years? Yes. Yes. I don't quite where I stand around here, how my advice would rank among the supers, but I'll give you some feed back to your poem.

This seems like a free form work. Which I like. You know one of those things you didn't really think about and just sort of wrote it out. Or it just sort of came out of you well, that's cool too. In the first line you just drop us (the reader) into something and it takes a little while to figure it out. That's good and bad. It's bad only because you give us a big clue in the middle. Why not put the big clue at the top or even rename the poem. "I lie as Prometheus bound."

"Seduces my inhibitions." Is kinda repeating. So is "Challenging me into submission."

Finally, where's the blood? If you love you submit to is one on the vultures, where is the blood? Where is the heart eating? Where is the growth of the new heart? Seems like you could go a lot further with this one. Dig a little deeper, for some blood, some grit, some beak on bone. Thanks a lot. Have fun. Post more

 

[champagne1982]

Just sharing and I'm new around here so please be gentle if you want to provide feedback.

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I read your poem and enjoyed the flow. It's a fine tribute poem and I hope the sweet subject of the poem feels as in love with you as you obviously are with her. I enjoyed your imagery through most of the verses.

I hope you accept the following critique in the spirit it is given. I mean no insult or disrespect to your poetry or to you as the poet. The following ideas and suggestions would make the poem better for me and are in no way meant to be the sole way to write poetry. This is your poem and you have the ultimate say in how it is presented. Thanks for sharing your work.

SUBMISSION

The pink readiness of your mouth, Are both adjectives neccessary in this line? If you keep "pink" can you find a way to show us it's ready instead of telling us it is? If you choose "readiness" than I'm sure you can find a different way of conferring pink to the mouth rather than naming it so?

and the clever way of your words,How are the words clever? You show us in the following line, so I think this is an empty phrase. Consider omitting this line and then rewording the next two to show us how your mind unravels and is seduced.

seduces my inhibitions.

You unravel me with your mind,Killer phrase.

the grey mirrors of your eyes,Eyes as mirror is a powerful idea, but unfortunately it is so cliché that it weakens the entire poem.

challenging me into submission.This would sound more imperative if you are challenged to submit instead of challenged into a condition of submission.

Your logic circles above me,What's logic got to do with any of this poem? If you like this image, start the poem here, it's an original thought and draws a clear picture.

and you scavenge my trepidation,

picking ravenously at my being.

I lie as Prometheus bound,

stretched out towards the sun,

that dances across your wings.The italicized verse is really an excellent metaphor and if you decide to make it your focus and your beginning, you'd have a fantastic start to your poem.

The pale fronds of your hair,

fall softly and tempt my fingers,

that curl towards release.

You taste of a peaches and cream sunset,

Tangy, warm and wonderful,

and sometimes blinding.

Your cheekbone hotly glows,

Against the lily-soft valley,All of this is a pretty description but I find it tepid against the vulture and Prometheus. We got the idea that you're in love and that the object of your affections is the most beautiful creature on Earth. Seriously, think about condensing the flowery imagery of your lover and concentrate more on the way she plays with your control.

Which cradles my heartache.

The elegant grace you possess,

Makes me humble in awe,

And I am resigned.Your poem trails off into obscurity with this closing. I'd rather see you humbled and in awe over your resignation. If you leave your reader imagining your mental state, you'll leave them wondering and maybe even wanting more.

 

[twelveoone]

the grey mirrors of your eyes,Eyes as mirror is a powerful idea, but unfortunately it is so cliché that it weakens the entire poem.

hold one one second with this one Champ.

Cliché? A grey mirror? Looks more like cliché avoidence to me. You are right about eyes as mirrors, but grey? Opens possibilities. I would drop the plural of mirrors. Fact is, not done enough with the grey mirror.

peaches and cream sunset, sounds like a million bad songs from the 60-70's

and lily-soft sounds like an advert

Sometimes clichés are not just the words or the phrases, but the context.

I'm impressed Champ with your pickings and musings.

and remember this, next time you read one of mine, not that you do unless you have to

If you leave your reader imagining your mental state