Vanilla has been discontinued...

[madetotakeit]

This weekend I bid farewell to the vanilla me once and for all. For the first time since moving out of the theoretical BDSM world into the physical one, I was vanilla. My LDR came for a visit that had been planned for awhile. It's not your typical relationship. We were together for 10 years, didn't talk for five, and reconnected about four years ago out of missing the friendship that we started out having. What it evolved into was a continuation of that friendship with a smattering of intimate contact but a lot of the emotion and the softer side of romantic relationships. There is so much history there and he was the first person I ever talked about BDSM with. (Although looking back, the conversation was very naive. I really did not know how to express the depth I felt even then.) It wasn't for him, so I put it on the back burner only for it to resurface after the relationship ended.

I wasn't sure what to expect. I have grown so much since I saw him last. I feel more confident in my skin on a daily basis. While I still have walls to scale, at least now I recognize them and see the footholds for my path. The first day was full of the excitement of seeing someone I care so much about. As the weekend progressed however, I started realizing things. A playful slap on the ass made me wish for the sting of something more heavy handed. Grabbing my hair made me want something with more intent. The bite on my skin made me long for something that would leave a mark. I wanted to look into eyes that while they showed feelings and emotions also showed the promise of things so much darker. The softer side needed the balance of the harder side. He was going as far as he felt comfortable with, but that is no longer enough. I've looked into the eyes of what stirs my core and I will never be satisfied with anything that smolders with less intensity.

I suppose I needed this final confrontation with the person I was. I needed to have closure and say goodbye to who I was pretending to be. I guess in a way it was a test. Would I feel the pull back to repression or would the fresh memories be louder? The fresh memories were like a scream in my head. They never quietened. I would have much preferred to be back in those moments. The old pleasures never stood a chance. So I wrapped my former self up in a nice little box to be placed on the shelf of memories. There are good memories in there, ones I wouldn't trade for the world. They are mine and their time has come and gone. I recognized the extent of the changes in me. I think he recognized them too. I tried talking, but he brushed off the conversations. When he called to say he had landed he was very formal in his speech. I guess there are things he just really doesn't want to know or have to think about. We will always have the friendship. We've been through too much together for that to go away, but the other aspect is over. We knew it was limited. We are different animals who found temporary comfort with each other.

Many times it has been said on this board that once you acknowledge this side of you...once you have had that taste...there is no going back. It's true. Every last word. It took this foray back into the vanilla world for my half-closed eyes to be fully opened. I knew they would. I never had any doubts about that. I just wasn't sure of the catalyst. So I will remember the old days fondly. Use the lessons learned to better any future relationship...a relationship that will include BDSM. Anything less will never again be an option. There is a grounded feeling in realizing that. I think about what my future holds and it makes me breathe deeply with the shiver that runs down my spine. I don't feel that urgent drive to experience as much as I can as fast as I can like when I first started. I look forward to every new thing, every lesson learned, every nuance to be derived with patience. I have my whole life to know these things. I will still enjoy vanilla moments. I think they do have great merit. My future vanilla moments will just be peppered with something with a bit more flavor. I guess you could say, make mine a swirl.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Congratulations on accepting that this is who and what you are, and embracing it. Many, many times, people will see that this is a part of them and try to hide it - or hide from it - and make themselves miserable until they can finally mature enough to realize that they are lessening themselves by not reaching out to experience even that scary part of their minds and souls.

I wish you much luck on your journey, and happiness, and that the journey continues and continues and continues - for that is what life is. It's not the destination that counts - it's how you get there. It seems to me you have embarked on an interesting road that will be filled with learning and laughter and perhaps even love.

 

[Netzach]

It's not even so much about rejecting vanilla wholesale, you will find, perhaps.

It's more merely about having the option for other.

It's like being in a room with a closed door instead of in a cement box with no openings.

 

[minx1]

I've looked into the eyes of what stirs my core and I will never be satisfied with anything that smolders with less intensity.

Many times it has been said on this board that once you acknowledge this side of you...once you have had that taste...there is no going back. It's true. Every last word.

Anything less will never again be an option.

Thankyou so much for sharing this madetotakeit. You put into words what I am having difficulty explaining and understanding at the moment

It's not even so much about rejecting vanilla wholesale, you will find, perhaps.

It's more merely about having the option for other.

It's like being in a room with a closed door instead of in a cement box with no openings.

Netzach, this is a huge help to me at the minute. Thankyou.

I have reached a turning point I guess and was feeling almost cornered...that there are no longer choices for me. In the last few days BDSM has almost felt like my own private prison. Forced to stay because I love it, but also because I am almost afraid of the alternative. I am faced with making an important decision, but you have made me realise its ok to step into the other room now again...perhaps even taking a little bit with me when I visit.

*smile* sorry this probably doesn't make any sense to people. But it makes complete sense to me. thank god

 

[Xantu]

Every day is a step in our journey. Thank you for sharing yours.

 

[madetotakeit]

Many, many times, people will see that this is a part of them and try to hide it - or hide from it - and make themselves miserable until they can finally mature enough to realize that they are lessening themselves by not reaching out to experience even that scary part of their minds and souls.

Very well said. Any denial would be lessening myself. The scary parts are part of who I am as well. Ignoring something does not make it go away, it would eventually become an interference with life. It takes more effort to consciously keep something at bay than to simply acknowledge it.

It's not even so much about rejecting vanilla wholesale, you will find, perhaps.

It's more merely about having the option for other.

It's like being in a room with a closed door instead of in a cement box with no openings.

I won't go so far as to reject vanilla wholesale. It is definitely a part of me that I would access from time to time, but as you said it's about having options for other. Both have their value. Any relationship in my future would have to have the ability to switch gears. I wouldn't be fulfilled with exclusively one or the other. I want all the options! A room with a closed door is a good analogy. It's there and be accessed whenever I want.

Thankyou so much for sharing this madetotakeit. You put into words what I am having difficulty explaining and understanding at the moment

You're welcome. One thing I have learned since coming to this board is that whatever I am feeling or going through, there is somebody else who has stood there before me. Sometimes I start a thread and get great input, and other times I stumble across a thread that puts into words what I couldn't. Either way it has been helpful and I am grateful for everyone sharing.

 

[twysted73]

Congratulations on your...rebirth?

There will be times your trip will be slow and arduously derailed by life.
But it's a fire that keeps you going because it never burns out.
Just more fuel to the fire.

Now you need to go to a local munch or party and mingle with the locals. However, I've been to one there and it's not overly pretty.
Try Tampa.

The next step is in finding yourself someone to play with on a continual basis. Someone you're comfortable with but can have access to as often as you like.

Therein lies the trick.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Eiseria]

This weekend I bid farewell to the vanilla me once and for all. For the first time since moving out of the theoretical BDSM world into the physical one, I was vanilla. My LDR came for a visit that had been planned for awhile. It's not your typical relationship. We were together for 10 years, didn't talk for five, and reconnected about four years ago out of missing the friendship that we started out having. What it evolved into was a continuation of that friendship with a smattering of intimate contact but a lot of the emotion and the softer side of romantic relationships. There is so much history there and he was the first person I ever talked about BDSM with. (Although looking back, the conversation was very naive. I really did not know how to express the depth I felt even then.) It wasn't for him, so I put it on the back burner only for it to resurface after the relationship ended.

I wasn't sure what to expect. I have grown so much since I saw him last. I feel more confident in my skin on a daily basis. While I still have walls to scale, at least now I recognize them and see the footholds for my path. The first day was full of the excitement of seeing someone I care so much about. As the weekend progressed however, I started realizing things. A playful slap on the ass made me wish for the sting of something more heavy handed. Grabbing my hair made me want something with more intent. The bite on my skin made me long for something that would leave a mark. I wanted to look into eyes that while they showed feelings and emotions also showed the promise of things so much darker. The softer side needed the balance of the harder side. He was going as far as he felt comfortable with, but that is no longer enough. I've looked into the eyes of what stirs my core and I will never be satisfied with anything that smolders with less intensity.

I suppose I needed this final confrontation with the person I was. I needed to have closure and say goodbye to who I was pretending to be. I guess in a way it was a test. Would I feel the pull back to repression or would the fresh memories be louder? The fresh memories were like a scream in my head. They never quietened. I would have much preferred to be back in those moments. The old pleasures never stood a chance. So I wrapped my former self up in a nice little box to be placed on the shelf of memories. There are good memories in there, ones I wouldn't trade for the world. They are mine and their time has come and gone. I recognized the extent of the changes in me. I think he recognized them too. I tried talking, but he brushed off the conversations. When he called to say he had landed he was very formal in his speech. I guess there are things he just really doesn't want to know or have to think about. We will always have the friendship. We've been through too much together for that to go away, but the other aspect is over. We knew it was limited. We are different animals who found temporary comfort with each other.

Many times it has been said on this board that once you acknowledge this side of you...once you have had that taste...there is no going back. It's true. Every last word. It took this foray back into the vanilla world for my half-closed eyes to be fully opened. I knew they would. I never had any doubts about that. I just wasn't sure of the catalyst. So I will remember the old days fondly. Use the lessons learned to better any future relationship...a relationship that will include BDSM. Anything less will never again be an option. There is a grounded feeling in realizing that. I think about what my future holds and it makes me breathe deeply with the shiver that runs down my spine. I don't feel that urgent drive to experience as much as I can as fast as I can like when I first started. I look forward to every new thing, every lesson learned, every nuance to be derived with patience. I have my whole life to know these things. I will still enjoy vanilla moments. I think they do have great merit. My future vanilla moments will just be peppered with something with a bit more flavor. I guess you could say, make mine a swirl.

Huzza! Can't wait until I am at that stage!

 

[SweetGigi]

Welcome to the dark side. See Gracie for your inaugural cookie.

I'm so proud of you my dear sweet friend. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Enjoy the journey.

 

[theedebster]

madetotakeit

I just had to say how wonderful it made me feel reading your statement of freedom. What courage and atonement your words reveal.

 

[madetotakeit]

Congratulations on your...rebirth?

Just call me Phoenix. (She was always better than Jane Grey anyway. Oooh...just outed myself as a former Marvel geek!)

There will be times your trip will be slow and arduously derailed by life.
But it's a fire that keeps you going because it never burns out.
Just more fuel to the fire.

Now you need to go to a local munch or party and mingle with the locals. However, I've been to one there and it's not overly pretty.
Try Tampa.

The next step is in finding yourself someone to play with on a continual basis. Someone you're comfortable with but can have access to as often as you like.

Therein lies the trick.

Best of luck to you.

I know life will interfere at times. That's part of well.*****. But, as long as the fuel is there, I see it burning very brightly.

Judging by the local population, it doesn't surprise me that the local party left much to be desired. Maybe it's time for some new blood to liven the scene here up.

Someone that is a good match for me...priceless. I'm not sure is so much the trick as good old fashioned luck.

Welcome to the dark side. See Gracie for your inaugural cookie.

I'm so proud of you my dear sweet friend. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Enjoy the journey.

Thank you. I'll see Gracie about my dark chocolate/white chocolate chip cookie!

 

[SweetGigi]

Thank you. I'll see Gracie about my dark chocolate/white chocolate chip cookie!

Yeah, she is totally gonna be jealous of the dark chocolate cookies I make for the ATL litogether. Hehehe

 

[Lady_In_Black]

I always saw myself as more of a Suicide, then a swirl. You know, you go out to a restaurant or a snack bar where they had the soda fountain, and you mix all the drinks together? Coke/pepsie, cherry coke/pepsie mountain dew/surge/mellow yellow. It comes out to be a disgusting looking, delicious drink in the end.

I add what ever I am feeling like to the sex when ever the mood strikes me. I find it to be relaxing and stress free. ^_^

 

[EmpressFi]

I always saw myself as more of a Suicide, then a swirl. You know, you go out to a restaurant or a snack bar where they had the soda fountain, and you mix all the drinks together? Coke/pepsie, cherry coke/pepsie mountain dew/surge/mellow yellow. It comes out to be a disgusting looking, delicious drink in the end.

I add what ever I am feeling like to the sex when ever the mood strikes me. I find it to be relaxing and stress free. ^_^

Someone else who knows what a suicide is.. I used to LOVE them.. and would get them every time I went to the roller rink...

 

[fishercat]

Made -

I'm so happy for you! It's great to have confirmation that the direction you're taking is the right one, and to know the next steps in your path. I can tell from your post how confident you feel right now, and I wish you all the best in your journey.

P.S. If you're finished with the part of the map that got you from vanilla to where you are now, could I borrow it? I'm a bit lost.

 

[FurryFury]

Sounds like you are in a good place now. Good for you! I'm so happy for you.

 

[madetotakeit]

Sounds like you are in a good place now. Good for you! I'm so happy for you.

I am in a good place now mentally and emotionally...now if I can just iron out a few wrinkles I will be in a great place.

P.S. If you're finished with the part of the map that got you from vanilla to where you are now, could I borrow it? I'm a bit lost.

I can tell you the things to pack...an open mind, acceptance, self-awareness, and a great guide. As for the map...every route that leads you forward should help you reach your destination.

Someone else who knows what a suicide is.. I used to LOVE them.. and would get them every time I went to the roller rink...

I loved them too! My parents had a restaurant for a short time so I had open access to sneak them when nobody was looking. I added quite a bit to my piggy bank taking bribes to keep my hyper ass still and quiet.

 

[FurryFury]

I taught my kids about suicides. I used to love em. They have and sometimes still do love em.

LOL.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Indeed.

Accepting the reality of "THIS IS WHO I AM" is liberating as well as terrifying. Being honest with yourself allows you to finally get honest with others. As in most endeavors, this will generate a fire and passion that will burn brightly for you for a while. And in time, it will burn not so hot, but still provide warmth and comfort as the pendulum swings back and forth across your life.

It is a journey, not a destination. With luck, you will never stop growing and changing. Thank you for sharing part of your journey with us here.

 

[closerIam]

Many times it has been said on this board that once you acknowledge this side of you...once you have had that taste...there is no going back. It's true. Every last word.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
I think about what my future holds and it makes me breathe deeply with the shiver that runs down my spine. I don't feel that urgent drive to experience as much as I can as fast as I can like when I first started. I look forward to every new thing, every lesson learned, every nuance to be derived with patience. I have my whole life to know these things. I will still enjoy vanilla moments. I think they do have great merit. My future vanilla moments will just be peppered with something with a bit more flavor. I guess you could say, make mine a swirl.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
I can tell you the things to pack...an open mind, acceptance, self-awareness, and a great guide. As for the map...every route that leads you forward should help you reach your destination.

Thank you for sharing this madetotakeit. I'm happy for you. What you said really hits home for me. The last few months have been a whirlwind of discovery. I realize I have a long way to go...but finally feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

 

[madetotakeit]

You're welcome closerIam. I've found so much of myself in the words of others on this board. I'm glad to be able to pass on the favor. Good luck with your journey. I hope you continue to move forward.

 

[SubKekiLee]

I know how you both feel, I finally came clean to my husband of 4 years and have now told him I am submissive and that I cannot change that, it was very refreshing to admit this and stop hiding this side of me.... I am hoping he will stay and explore with me.... but congrats to both of you....

 

[rida]

it is not a question of discontinued ... it is not me anymore ...

I remember reading this thread when it was first posted. My life at the time was in a totally different place than now: I was still mourning the break up with my on-line Master and Hubby was not in a good place, so it was mostly vanilla sex, if any. I was in a place where part of me wanted to go back to plain vanilla old days and part of me knew it had to continue down the path of self discovery. Hubby, as wonderful as he is, prodded me to do so.

Since then, Hubby is in a much better place (that means he is scratching his Domly itch more often), I've met a Sadist I play with when our busy schedules allows us, and a young sweet guy I have (kinky) vanilla sex with.

Last time I was with sweet guy thou, something unsettling and confusing happened. His being more assertive sent me totally in a submissive mind frame. He is very open minded and adventurous and kinky, but he is no Dominant. I know that there are few things (like anal sex and deep throating) that can easily send me on my little submissive trip so I've always kept on top of it. But last time I just couldn't.

Guess that vanilla has been discontinued for me as well. Not because I do not enjoy it anymore ... but because my submissive self is growing and becoming more and more who I am, and not just a little part of me.

 

[twysted73]

Guess that vanilla has been discontinued for me as well. Not because I do not enjoy it anymore ... but because my submissive self is growing and becoming more and more who I am, and not just a little part of me.

Crossed the threshold.
That point of no return when you know, beyond all doubt, that this is a part of you that you can never let go of and be fully happy.

I think that moment of realization is beautiful. It's amazing and damn near magial.

I am glad to see you've crossed it rida.

 

[rida]

Crossed the threshold.
That point of no return when you know, beyond all doubt, that this is a part of you that you can never let go of and be fully happy.

I think that moment of realization is beautiful. It's amazing and damn near magial.

I am glad to see you've crossed it rida.

Thank you twysted-sama,

It does not feel like a threshold ... more like having shed the last layer of clothing and feeling stark naked