Opinions needed...preferably from all sides

[nickollette]

Hi everyone! I dont post often, mainly prefer to read and take it all in, but now my curiosity has me here. I've been fascinated from an observing perspective with the whole bdsm lifestyle, tampered with some aspects in a few very amatuer ways. I've done the sub side and recently attempted the dom side, having thought I was more on the sub side, I've never thought about attempting the dom side until now. My question is, other than trial and error, is there any way to tell where you belong? As of now, I'm thinking I might be able to take part as a switch, but at the end of the day I'm not sure my need for pain and desire to please will subside enough to let out a side of me that wants to be in control as well. I know it all comes down to me being confused, thinking I am one thing for so long only to find out I might like the opposite as well. Any tips or ideas on how to go about sorting through all this and how to do so are greatly appreciated.

 

[BiBunny]

You try things, and if you like them, you keep doing them. At various times, I've identified as sub, switch, Domme, and back to switch again. None of these things are truly exclusive of the other. I find that situationally, I'm more of a Top, but I tend to enjoy submitting more (with the right person). I'm back to switch now because it seems to fit the best.

 

[ppaddleman]

Just curious Bunny

Do you find that it varies with the mood you are in? Or with the person you are with. IE You can domme some people but submit to others.

 

[BiBunny]

Just curious Bunny

Do you find that it varies with the mood you are in? Or with the person you are with. IE You can domme some people but submit to others.

Yes to both questions. With rare people, I can go either way, but usually, it depends on the person. My orientation is really fluid. I tend to be more dominant than 95% of the people I meet, which is why I tend to find myself on top more often than not. When I'm around those in the other 5%, I tend to go to the bottom and stay there.

When I'm in a Toppy mood, I tend to seek out people who are more submissive than I am. When I'm bottomy mood, I tend to seek out people who are more dominant than I am. So, yeah, it's a function of both mood and the company I'm keeping. Did that help?

 

[Stegral]

my 2 cents.

I entered into the BDSM realm/lifestyle convinced I was a sub.
I met some kinky people in a local group that saw more in me & tempted it out. I can switch but I have to be in a mood to Top or it just doesn't work. I am very pick of whom I bottom to. only 4 sets of Dominant hands have touched me in 2 years.. 3 of those were one time events. I have had one lover that was kinky & enjoyed him for the few months we had together as we both switched. I have only Topped 2 guys in the year I have been switching. one was only once (I needed a canvas to practice caning on & his was the toughest on hand), the other is an ongoing play partner whom unfortunaltely for me has a girlfriend that knows & discusses with me (to a point) what her limits for me on her "pet" are.
switching doesn't mean 50/50.. it can be whatever % you want it.
I don't get much from Topping unless I am in a mood & it reflects in my play.
I am not a sadistic/pain giving/ humiliation type Domme...
I am a sensory play/softie that will cane or crop on occasion

You need to realize that your needs change as do other peoples.

like BiBunny said.. when she wants to Top she finds bottoms & vice versa...
sounds perfectly reasonable right?? once people found out about my Dominant abilities, my subbie side rarely gets satiated anymore. That is also mostly my fault as my Top is military so play is few & far between.

Not sure it helped any but...
Good luck in this lifestyle

 

[FurryFury]

I think you can't know until you try things and find out. It's a marvelous journey IMO.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Just curious Bunny

Do you find that it varies with the mood you are in? Or with the person you are with. IE You can domme some people but submit to others.

I think this is a very interesting question. If you don't mind, I might steal it and start another thread.

Hi nickollette

It's really cool that you're able to explore both sides of BDSM. I am a totally hopeless top/domme and have always secretly envied those who are multifaceted enough to enjoy both sides of the whip.

There's no set equation. You can be 99% top 1% bottom, vice versa, or anything in between. That might sound unhelpful but I hope that it is also an intensely liberating notion. You can be as switchy as you like.

Some people whine that switches are neither true subs nor true dom/mes but I really don't think that is true. You have a unique ability to see and appreciate both sides of the powerplay coin. That gives everything you do an edge that some of us who only play on one side of the fence lack at times.

Saying that a switch can't be a true sub or dom is like saying that a bi person can't be true to a man or a woman. It's all bollocks in my considered opinion.

I hope that you thoroughly enjoy your journey. I guess it must be confusing being a switch at times but I'm sure you'll figure yourself out in time.

 

[h_i_s]

.....

 

[A Desert Rose]

You're 23 years old? (I suck at math.) You have a lifetime of finding your "place". And you may never find it, which depending on your perspective could be your "place".

But that doesn't mean it can't be fun. In fact, I think that's what makes it fun... to keep on looking, exploring, learning. Why do you think you need to hurry and why do you think you need to fit a profile?

Things change, people change. You won't be the same person in 10 years that you are now.

 

[Marquis]

This is Forrest Gump simple.

You are as you do. So do, and be, whatever you want. No one is keeping score.

 

[sexycaz22]

You need to realize that your needs change as do other peoples.

Stegral does say it all! I am in a similar situation as you, nickollette, I am currently experiencing some feelings which does confuse me at times. I thought that I was a submissive through and through, but then I got involved into the BDSM and talked with some people, the Topping desires begun to come out and now I am exploring both sides of the coin, and still I am a little confused...espically since I have not Topped anyone...yet! (things gets in the way of some kinky fun! )

So, yes, needs does change over time!

Set your own standards. Make your own rules. Once you are certain of what those are..... the rest is a piece of cake. Have it, eat it too. IF that's what you want and need and like etc..

This is a really good piece of advice....and I will take it on board!

nickollette, mostly the important thing is to be yourself, be true to yourself, and just enjoy the journey you are on now, whether it to be a pyl, PYL or a switch!

All the best of luck,

 

[nickollette]

Thanks for the input. As usual, I don't think I explained quite what I mean efficiently enough because I still feel as though the question I'm trying to ask is still unanswered.

I know I'm only 23 and I know that up to this point, which way I feel like swinging is highly mood dependent. I also know that who I am 5 months from now or 15 years from now, will not be who I am today or even who I was the past 6 months, I understand how much people change from situation to situation and over time from experiences you just can't have right now etc. I get that.

My urge to get the ball rolling on this is because there are very few things I have come across thusfar where I feel a need to continue or feel can play a huge role in my life..if that makes any sense at all. Again, I know I'm young and have a lifetime ahead of me to do so, but it still doesn't fix the fact that there's a rather large void and that any random experiments I've done in regards to either side have seemed to fill that void all too well.

I also like VelvetDarkness's opinion on how being able to switch lets you appreciate both sides. Out of all the situations and roles life has us to play, I'd like to think this is the one aspect where there is no right or wrong role you choose to take on, it's what works for you and what you want to do, and the fact that switches are sometimes frowned upon is annoying but oh well. No need to justify why you think you are suitable to take part in each role to anyone but yourself and whomever you share the experience with.