Polyamory - what would you say about it to an audience?

[Huckleman2000]

At the risk of exposing more of myself than I'd wish , I've become involved in an original play about polyamory. Some of the script will be developed during the rehearsal process, and some of the structure involves short vignettes about different people's common experiences.

For my part, I'll be working mostly from imagination and hearsay. What would those of you experienced in polyamory want to say about it (through a theater performance) to an audience? Advice? Pitfalls? Funny stories?

 

[oggbashan]

Each person has only a small proportion of the potential mother-in-law's attention.

They could get away with a lot while she's not checking.

Og

Edited for PS.

Like all human relationships the potential for misunderstanding grows with the number of people involved. Think of vicious office politics with sexual hang-ups adding fuel to the fire.

 

[impressive]

Fidelity is critical for success. By fidelity I mean rock solid adherence to whatever "rules" you've established for the relationship.

 

[Emperor_Nero]

Fidelity is critical for success. By fidelity I mean rock solid adherence to whatever "rules" you've established for the relationship.

Add to that trust. Each member has to completely trust that every other member is being completely faithful to the rules -- otherwise jealousy will start to rear its ugly head and tear things apart.

 

[oggbashan]

In almost all human societies competition is endemic.

Someone will want to be the alpha male; someone the alpha female.

Polyamory is almost always foredoomed to failure because of internal tensions within the group.

Og

 

[rgraham666]

Every person involved in the relationship increases the difficulty of maintaining it by an order of magnitude.

 

[oggbashan]

Who does the cooking, the washing up, the household cleaning?

Think of the tensions in shared student accommodation - the slobs versus the obsessively hygienic - and then magnify them by the sexual preferences.

Og

 

[impressive]

Add to that trust. Each member has to completely trust that every other member is being completely faithful to the rules -- otherwise jealousy will start to rear its ugly head and tear things apart.

If not jealousy, then ambivalence or ennui.

 

[impressive]

Every person involved in the relationship increases the difficulty of maintaining it by an order of magnitude.

I disagree, Rob. I think a triad is the most difficult to maintain.

 

[The_Fool]

I knew there was a reason I stayed monosyllabic…


On topic? I don't share well.

Kind of the antithesis of the herd mentality where one male controls the reproduction of "his" females. That being said, how does reproduction come into play in such a relationship? Is the desired result of reproduction the production of a boy or girl? Or is the desired result no reproduction?

 

[Emperor_Nero]

Who does the cooking, the washing up, the household cleaning?

Think of the tensions in shared student accommodation - the slobs versus the obsessively hygienic - and then magnify them by the sexual preferences.

Og

But remember, there are groups in shared student accomodations that get along extremely well and don't fight over such issues. Polyamory isn't for everyone (and defintely not for any kind of majority) but it can work for the few who can avoid getting caught up in the potential pitfalls.

 

[MaeveoSliabh]

Having been in a few polyamorous relationships, both those that have been fairly successful and those that have been complete failures, I can say with some authority that they are based on the same things a 'normal' relationship is founded upon.

Trust
Honesty
Respect for EVERYBODY involved
Communication

The relationship that worked best had a very strict adherence to these things. If somebody had a problem, it was aired openly, and the situation dealt with. It may have been aired only to the person who presented the problem for whatever reason (jealousy, slacking in chores, not respecting somebody in the relationship in any way, etc.) but it was never allowed to grow into a big thing. It is my honest belief that if one of the gents involved hadn't been offered a job in another country, the three of us might still be living together in a fairly harmonious atmosphere.

The relationship that has worked LEAST - the current one - has had tensions caused by lack of communication, lack of trust, lack of honesty, backstabbing, vicious twisting of words, jealousy, retaliation for various acts, lack of respect, and a few other less than savory things. I'm guilty of a few of these things just as much as the other two involved. Not something to be proud of, and something that was not intended, but necessary for self preservation. The one guilty of causing most of the problems is slowly being pushed away from the center of the whole mess. She was actually HIGHLY encouraged to pack her things and go back where she came from. And, when the lease on this house ends, there is a high likelihood she will be sent packing. However, that won't be for a long while.

If there's anything in particular you would like to know, please feel free to ask specific questions. You may not get a reply in the open (have to protect the guilty, you know ) but I'll help in any way possible.

 

[Huckleman2000]

Thank you all for posting! These questions aren't directed to anyone in particular, and feel free to answer in a PM if you'd rather. When I said 'exposing myself', I meant here on the Internet as well as onstage.

Would you say that polyamory usually involves living together as well as sleeping together? Are there groups of single people who are 'together' for sex and friendship and support, while living separately? Is the sex usually two by two, or in a group?

I hate to sound clueless, but what distinguishes polyamourous people from those who are just dating a lot, ie, not in a committed relationship?

Obviously, I have some of my own ideas about these things, and I'm reading up from other sources as well. I'm most interested in others' experiences.

Are there 'iconic' moments that most poly people would recognize? I'm thinking about such 2-person things as 'the inability to perform'; 'waking up in a strange place'; 'the awkward breakfast'; 'the where are we headed talk'... You know, the sorts of scenes that you'd expect to see in a play about 2-person relationships. Are there scenes you'd expect to see in a play about 3+ person relationships?

 

[MaeveoSliabh]

Living together depends on the relationship. I tend to enjoy the ones where we would all live together better than those in which we lived apart, but that's personal preference. There are plenty of people who would much rather live apart. That's one of the things that should be talked about and decided upon before bringing a third (or fourth or more) person into the relationship.

The sex also depends on the relationship. Sometimes it depends on the day or the mood of the moment as well. One of my past relationships was strictly one on one sex. Period. Another had the 'more the merrier' mentality. However, it WAS restricted to those people within the relationship. No 'outside' friends were allowed into the bedroom. We respected each other enough to stay out of other people's beds as well.

I think that's what makes the distinction between a polyamorous relationship and a group of single people that just go out dating constantly. There is that level of respect and those ground rules that the relationship is based on that seems to be lacking in the group of singles. The people in a polyamorous relationship ARE committed to each other. A successful poly relationship takes that commitment seriously.

As for the 'iconic' conversation... One that sticks out in my mind started with "So what happens if we both get PMS at the same time?"

 

[champagne1982]

Take my wife and my husband, please!

 

[fantasiesinprint]

has had tensions caused by lack of communication, lack of trust, lack of honesty, backstabbing, vicious twisting of words, jealousy, retaliation for various acts, lack of respect, and a few other less than savory things. I'm guilty of a few of these things just as much as the other two involved. Not something to be proud of, and something that was not intended, but necessary for self preservation.

Wow, it's like you were a fly on the wall in my first, last and only Poly relationship.

Another important thing, in my opinion, is that all involved need to be on a fairly equal footing in terms of mental and physical health. If you have a partner who has special needs (in my relationship it was mental issues), it's nearly impossible to maintain the various points of balance needed for all those involved.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[MaeveoSliabh]

Wow, it's like you were a fly on the wall in my first, last and only Poly relationship.

Another important thing, in my opinion, is that all involved need to be on a fairly equal footing in terms of mental and physical health. If you have a partner who has special needs (in my relationship it was mental issues), it's nearly impossible to maintain the various points of balance needed for all those involved.

Just my 2 cents.

You are correct, when it comes to mental health. Physical health is a bit more negotiable. Love and lust come in all shapes and sizes, and some people prefer a bit of variety.

The relationship I'm in, we (he and I) think that many of the issues stem from her and her mental instabilities. She has admittedly gone to counselling enough times to have figured out how to trick the psychiatrists into thinking she's normal. And admits it. In the relationships that worked a bit better we were all a bit nutty, but in a way that complemented each other. Not in a way that tore each other apart.

 

[Huckleman2000]

Wow, it's like you were a fly on the wall in my first, last and only Poly relationship.

Another important thing, in my opinion, is that all involved need to be on a fairly equal footing in terms of mental and physical health. If you have a partner who has special needs (in my relationship it was mental issues), it's nearly impossible to maintain the various points of balance needed for all those involved.

Just my 2 cents.

Wow, your first post!
Whether you're a former lurker or a shy alt, thanks for raising this issue.
So far, I'm getting the overall sense that it's like the difference between trying to balance on a teeter-totter and trying to stand on a raft floating in a lake.

 

[Huckleman2000]

Living together depends on the relationship. I tend to enjoy the ones where we would all live together better than those in which we lived apart, but that's personal preference. There are plenty of people who would much rather live apart. That's one of the things that should be talked about and decided upon before bringing a third (or fourth or more) person into the relationship.

The sex also depends on the relationship. Sometimes it depends on the day or the mood of the moment as well. One of my past relationships was strictly one on one sex. Period. Another had the 'more the merrier' mentality. However, it WAS restricted to those people within the relationship. No 'outside' friends were allowed into the bedroom. We respected each other enough to stay out of other people's beds as well.

I think that's what makes the distinction between a polyamorous relationship and a group of single people that just go out dating constantly. There is that level of respect and those ground rules that the relationship is based on that seems to be lacking in the group of singles. The people in a polyamorous relationship ARE committed to each other. A successful poly relationship takes that commitment seriously.

As for the 'iconic' conversation... One that sticks out in my mind started with "So what happens if we both get PMS at the same time?"

Thanks so much, this is wonderful.
And that is the best opening line for an improv that I've ever seen! The show doesn't open until April sometime, I think, but script work is happening even now and once we get together there will be some scene development, I would imagine. I've never worked with this particular writer/director before, so I can't say any more than that, but these are really nice bits of perspective to share.

 

[keeblercrumb]

As for the 'iconic' conversation... One that sticks out in my mind started with "So what happens if we both get PMS at the same time?"

Since the feedback from the experienced ( I am not... not in any kind of "permanent" situation) (or "open") has been so good and insightful... perhaps a small threadjack will be tolerated..

I loved your quote.... My household at one time had my wife, two teenage daughters and my teenage niece all living together... Curiously over time their periods seemed to align.... I am not sure if that was a good thing or not... but it reduced the number of evenings I smoked a joint and took long walks with the dog.



-KC

 

[MaeveoSliabh]

<snip> I smoked a joint and took long walks with the dog.



-KC

Smart man.



Huck - Another conversation was one that started with "So.... What if Grandma comes to visit?" It was one that I started, and was a very legitimate question at the time. Think strict roman catholic granny finding out that her sweet, innocent, fresh-faced little granddaughter was living with two bisexual men and having a very... um... unrestricted, wanton, promiscuous relationship with both of them at the same time. Usually quite literally at the same time. Never sandwiched between (damned shame, but it is what it is) but... you get the idea.

It wouldn't have gone over well at all.

 

[oggbashan]

...

I loved your quote.... My household at one time had my wife, two teenage daughters and my teenage niece all living together... Curiously over time their periods seemed to align.... I am not sure if that was a good thing or not... but it reduced the number of evenings I smoked a joint and took long walks with the dog.



-KC

I can't find the references but I remember at least one study that found that women living together in groups tend to align their periodic cycles.

So several having PMS at once could be "normal". Ouch!

Og

 

[MaeveoSliabh]

I can't find the references but I remember at least one study that found that women living together in groups tend to align their periodic cycles.

So several having PMS at once could be "normal". Ouch!

Og

Correct. It's a survival thing. The reproductive cycles of the 'lesser' females slowly adjust to be timed at about the same time as the naturally occurring cycle of the alpha female. Don't remember the details (it's early and the caffeine is lacking) but it has something to do with pheromones, I think.

 

[FallingToFly]

Thank you all for posting! These questions aren't directed to anyone in particular, and feel free to answer in a PM if you'd rather. When I said 'exposing myself', I meant here on the Internet as well as onstage.

Would you say that polyamory usually involves living together as well as sleeping together? Are there groups of single people who are 'together' for sex and friendship and support, while living separately? Is the sex usually two by two, or in a group?

I hate to sound clueless, but what distinguishes polyamourous people from those who are just dating a lot, ie, not in a committed relationship?

Obviously, I have some of my own ideas about these things, and I'm reading up from other sources as well. I'm most interested in others' experiences.

Are there 'iconic' moments that most poly people would recognize? I'm thinking about such 2-person things as 'the inability to perform'; 'waking up in a strange place'; 'the awkward breakfast'; 'the where are we headed talk'... You know, the sorts of scenes that you'd expect to see in a play about 2-person relationships. Are there scenes you'd expect to see in a play about 3+ person relationships?

Polyamory literally translates into many loves. And really, that is what it is. The number one key for success is KNOWING that this person chooses to share their life with you- that does not equal ownership, and you do not have the right to dictate to them anymore than they do to you. It works on the basis of faith- you trust your partners to honor the boundaries of your group (Regular health checks, no random one-night stands, for instance) and to not deliberately start issues, as well as to COMMUNICATE with you. It works on a basis of mutual respect and friendship- if Person A and person S don't get along, then person D, their "bridge" doesn't put them together in the same social setting where that animosity can cause problems. It's simply balancing the social structure of a group, the same as anything else.

A good comparison: your father-in-law and your best friend once had a red-hot affair that caused massive proiblems for you mother-in-law. Why would you invite all three of them to dinner? It's simply social nicety, a lot of times, that makes it work.

Polyamorous groups are like any other relationship. Some live together, some don't. Some get married, some don't. Some choose to have children (or make a mistake thanks to Senor Cuervo) and some choose to remain childless. It's not so different from any other good relationship, there's just more of it to maintain.

 

[Vermilion]

Correct. It's a survival thing. The reproductive cycles of the 'lesser' females slowly adjust to be timed at about the same time as the naturally occurring cycle of the alpha female. Don't remember the details (it's early and the caffeine is lacking) but it has something to do with pheromones, I think.

Tis. They did an experiment where they made women wear a t-shirt for a week and then they made the other women smell that t-shirt or some such thing and the smellees' periods aligned with the t-shirt wearer's.

OK. I simplified somewhat
x
V