Everything is so right- so what is wrong?

[SweetGigi]

i literally feel like a split personality right now. i have no idea how i feel. i'm just gonna start rambling here and try to sort thru some of my feelings and thoughts. Mebbe in this rant, i can figure out what the cock is wrong with me so that stop feeling like this. i know if i don't figure it out i'm gonna lose Jim... just like i've lost every other man in my life. Feel free to post your thoughts and feelings as well... your insight might actually spur something in me to bring me out of this.

i want to feel validated. Even though he gives me so much- is it asking too much for me to want verbal appreciation? Should i just learn to be happy with what i get? Are the little ways he shows me he cares enough or should he try harder since he knows my past insecurities and doubts? What is enough? How can i just relax and be at peace with what we have and know it is good? Why must i constantly pick apart everything and look for things that may not be? Is this a issue of trust? Do i need to suspend my past in order to allow for my future? If so, then how? What is wrong with me?

 

[intothewoods]

i want to feel validated. Even though he gives me so much- is it asking too much for me to want verbal appreciation? Should i just learn to be happy with what i get? Are the little ways he shows me he cares enough or should he try harder since he knows my past insecurities and doubts? What is enough? How can i just relax and be at peace with what we have and know it is good? Why must i constantly pick apart everything and look for things that may not be? Is this a issue of trust? Do i need to suspend my past in order to allow for my future? If so, then how? What is wrong with me?

What is it that you get now? There is nothing wrong with wanting verbal appreciation. If you had verbal appreciation, would it satisfy you?

I guess you don't seem sure as to whether this is a you and you thing, or a you and him thing, so it's hard for me to answer. Everyone can benefit from learning to accept themselves as they are. So no matter what, I would encourage you to pursue some work on that. I don't know where you are on this - but examining past relationships, and family history is a good idea.

 

[ecstaticsub]

What you are saying sounds so like me. I feel that the attention I need and the way I want it is not unreasonable and he thinks...well, he accused me of being whiny the other day which really hurt me (even though he didn't say it in a mean way) because I pride myself in NEVER being whiny.

Anyway, I think the secret is to find some sort of balance. I have learned to be happy with what I get and appreciate how he chooses to show me he cares. I also have learned that it is ok to sometimes just come out and say--I am in a needy mood, I need some special TLC right now.

I really hope things work out for you

 

[Jeanx2storm]

Sweet,

You've got to find that place where you love you so much that it really doesn't matter if he says "You're beautiful", "You're sexy"...

If you can get to the place where you believe in all the wonderful things that you've got to offer him/the world, then you will be much happier.

Both meditation and yoga help me with my self-confidence and finding harmony.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Hey Gigi -- I could have written that post about a year and a half ago when I was with my X.

I don't know what you are insecure about and where this insecurity is coming from in your relationship, and from what you say there, it seems that past experiences have something to do with it. But more often than not, when one partner feels insecure in a relationship, the insecurity is not only internal to that person. In other words, you are probably not solely responsible for your insecurities.

My relationship with my X had been chaotic from the beginning, and there was a lot of insecurities built up on both sides. Throughout our relationship, I felt the need for him to voice his appreciation and desire to have me in his life. But every time I brought it up, he responded to my concerns with the same crap, ie, that he was *showing* me that he loved me and cared about me, and that for him, actions and behaviors are more significant than words. This would usually stop the conversation right there, because I actually agree with him that actions means more than words, and so I felt stupid for asking for words when his actions should have been enough.

What I didn't see back then is that my very need for him to voice his feelings and appreciation was actually a sign that something was missing, that his actions weren't indeed enough. Or rather, in this case, that a bunch of little things that he was doing/saying were actually denying or invalidating everything else he was doing that showed me that he cared.

So, back to your questions. I think you have a right to your feelings, and that you shouldn't invalidate them or deny them. If you feel that something is missing, it is because something IS missing for you. Because something is good doesn't mean it can't be better. And I'm not talking necessarily about looking for something/someone else, but rather to work on what you have right now. I also don't think it is too much to ask for verbal reassurance, but I do think that often, the need for verbal reassurance is a symptom of something else.

 

[h_i_s]

Sweet,

You've got to find that place where you love you so much that it really doesn't matter if he says "You're beautiful", "You're sexy"...

If you can get to the place where you believe in all the wonderful things that you've got to offer him/the world, then you will be much happier.

Both meditation and yoga help me with my self-confidence and finding harmony.

Good advice .. good suggestion right there.
Even if it's not the entire answer to your issue... it's worth concidering as well as possibly being a decent springboard toward getting there.

 

[HottieMama]

You've got to find that place where you love you so much that it really doesn't matter if he says "You're beautiful", "You're sexy"...

If you can get to the place where you believe in all the wonderful things that you've got to offer him/the world, then you will be much happier.

That's a very difficult thing, IMO when there is no affirmation from those you love. After a while you believe that you are just deluding yourself into believing your own lies.

i have no advice, Gigi. i am the same way. i need verbal appreciation to feel "complete."

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

I read this with interest, but I didn't see where you communicated these feelings to him.
I say that if you have a problem, and you keep it to yourself, it's your problem. If you share this problem with him, now it's his problem too.
Relationships of any type, evolve, and change.
We're Dominants, not mindreaders!

 

[00Syd]

That's a very difficult thing, IMO when there is no affirmation from those you love. After a while you believe that you are just deluding yourself into believing your own lies.

i have no advice, Gigi. i am the same way. i need verbal appreciation to feel "complete."

I agree. I need to hear it a little, to just have that small confirmation that I'm not just fooling myself. I don't think its an unreasonable thing to want that.

 

[coy_one]

That's a very difficult thing, IMO when there is no affirmation from those you love. After a while you believe that you are just deluding yourself into believing your own lies.

i have no advice, Gigi. i am the same way. i need verbal appreciation to feel "complete."

I have been in this situation.
I was married to a man that never complimented me. It didn't matter if I was fat or thin - if I worked or didn't work - have a brain, a degree.... none of it mattered.

And then, I learned how to love myself. To truly love myself. That perhaps the man I was with didn't know how to express himself, or didn't know how to love me in the manner that I needed.

I found solace in my friends. In my family - in the people that DID love me. Not waiting for my exhusband to come around. I looked to the people that gave me the validation that I needed. I looked at how I cared about others, and found that I was the person I wanted to be. That I had amazing inner strength that helped me get through huge trials in my life - that I had success in my career - that I had goals I made, and routinely made them.

I am a valuable person, and I don't need someone to give me that validation. They aren't lies to myself either. If anything, it was the truth of myself that I was denying myself.

I have been recently dating a man, and we discussed that because of some bad past relationships, I am a bit on the neurotic side to the point of going overboard. But, I make the conscious effort to say to myself, "This man is different. Until he shows me otherwise, I will make the effort to give my best in the relationship." And it has worked.

While you can ask for someone to give you a bit more validation, I don't think it's healthy to revolve your life or your being around that person's validation. In fact, in some ways, you lose yourself when you do that. You keep looking for that validation outside of yourself, when you really need to look within.
I was always hoping that my exhusband found me attractive. But no matter how much I worked out, got my nails done, my hair done, etc - he never gave it to me.

Now, I don't need it. Because I know I'm a beautiful woman, not just outside but on the inside.

You not only shortchange yourself - but the relationship as well. By coming together in a relationship, and realizing that you are looking for someone who can enhance you - not be that missing piece, you can have a great and mature relationship. Otherwise, you end up sabotaging the relationship by thinking "If only he did this..... I would be happy, secure..." You need to find that within yourself.

 

[midwestyankee]

We all have different ways of expressing our love, showing that we care. Some find their purest expression in words while others find it in deeds. Even others use gifts (material and otherwise) to show that they care. Rarely does someone show equal skill and propensity for using all styles (and there are others); in fact, most of us favor a single style for showing love and don't readily use any others. What we experience as "showing love" seems sufficient to us.

At the same time that we each have our own style for giving love, we have a preferred means for receiving love as well. Usually they're the same but not always. Where we run into problems is when we do not understand that our mates have a different style for expressing love than we prefer for receiving it. This can lead to a sense that we never "get any affirmation of love" simply because our mates are not using the style that we prefer.

You can find much, much more on this topic in the book The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. I won't say that this is the last word on how we give and receive love, but it's a solid explanation and worth a read.

 

[YourCaptor]

What I didn't see back then is that my very need for him to voice his feelings and appreciation was actually a sign that something was missing, that his actions weren't indeed enough.

Words of wisdom right there, definitely something to ponder over.

Going down a separate tangent.

We have lots of senses, sight, touch, taste, hearing, smell, and all are very important to overall comfort. Most newborns, for identifying individuals actually rely most on smell and hearing, a baby only a few seconds old can already distinguish its mothers voice from any other. The sound of a steady heart beat can sooth almost any mammal. If you think about it, you have the two components of music right their, a beat, like the heart, and a melody, and as they tell you in music school, the goal of a melody is to mimic the human voice. All of music is focused around this concept, to say sound is not important is complete blasphemy.

Chance is it doesn’t even matter what he says to you, as long as you hear his voice, and it is focused on you.

You could try getting him to sing you to sleep.

Anyway, point is, hearing is just as important as any other sense. Hope that helps.

 

[madetotakeit]

I agree with others that say you should talk to him. Men are wonderful and complicated creatures (just as we women are but in a different way.) From my experience, they are not always perceptive to realizing that some women at some times need to be acknowledged in certain ways. When I have brought this up, the general reaction has been, "Oh, I wasn't aware." We think differently than men. Some men think that if they feel it or think it, then it is understood.

I firmly believe in the importance of self-confidence, self-esteem, and a healthy ego. These are things that you validate within yourself. No external factor can produce it. However, sometimes...just sometimes...it is nice to be reminded that someone else thinks of these things of you too. To know that you are thought of without having to place yourself there. To know that he finds you attractive, just to know that what you are doing is pleasing to him...these are all important things. Without them, it can be all too easy to doubt your place during times of feeling vulnerable. It can feel like there is a wall when you are left to wonder. That security in how he feels in regards to you makes you feel more connected and as a result helps build the trust.

How can you be sure he is aware that you need those occasional reassurances if you don't let him know? Talk to him calmly, positively, and honestly. If he cares he will take what you said into consideration and make the effort or he will let you know what his style of expressing it is. There will more than likely be a compromise, but that starts with communication.

P.S. Don't forget to take into consideration yourself that there may be some separation blues/sub drop intensifying what you are feeling right now.

 

[Netzach]

Every once in a blue moon I'll say "I need to hear this validated"

the *response* that gets is often more telling than whether I got it without asking or not.

 

[h_i_s]

That's a very difficult thing, IMO when there is no affirmation from those you love. After a while you believe that you are just deluding yourself into believing your own lies.

i have no advice, Gigi. i am the same way. i need verbal appreciation to feel "complete."

I understand that this could well be true for you, HM ... it's not true for everyone though.
What about when a person has absolutely no one in the world to turn to for that affirmation. Self love is not something we get from others. It's about SELF.

Not everyone feels deluded, or that they are hung up on their own lies. I, for one never had that issue.
Some are quite capable in picking themselves up with no help from others especially when they wake one day to realize that there is no one to turn to but themselves. It's not easy. It is also not impossible.

ETA: It works both ways. People are not all the same.......
It sometimes isn't enough to hear another affirm or validate etc ect .. if we don't believe it to begin with, if we can't affirm or validate for ourselves to begin with etc. Maybe that's why SweetGigi is struggling with the issues which she mentions in the OP. No offence Gigi ... just a thought based on what you wrote there... that's the vibe I got.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I understand that this could well be true for you, HM ... it's not true for everyone though.
What about when a person has absolutely no one in the world to turn to for that affirmation. Self love is not something we get from others. It's about SELF.

Not everyone feels deluded, or that they are hung up on their own lies. I, for one never had that issue.
Some are quite capable in picking themselves up with no help from others especially when they wake one day to realize that there is no one to turn to but themselves. It's not easy. It is also not impossible.

ETA: It works both ways. People are not all the same.......
It sometimes isn't enough to hear another affirm or validate etc ect .. if we don't believe it to begin with, if we can't affirm or validate for ourselves to begin with etc. Maybe that's why SweetGigi is struggling with the issues which she mentions in the OP. No offence Gigi ... just a thought based on what you wrote there... that's the vibe I got.

very well said sinn. if we don't believe it ourselves why would we believe it when someone else tells us it's so? i mean i could sit and tell someone they are beautiful to me all day long, until i'm blue in the face, but if they don't love themselves or see that beauty in themselves then it's pointless.

and i also agree with an earlier post that said the OP should talk to him about her feelings. he can't possibly know how you're feeling if you keep it to yourself.

 

[minx1]

i literally feel like a split personality right now. i have no idea how i feel. i'm just gonna start rambling here and try to sort thru some of my feelings and thoughts.

i want to feel validated. What is enough? How can i just relax and be at peace with what we have and know it is good? Why must i constantly pick apart everything and look for things that may not be? Is this a issue of trust? Do i need to suspend my past in order to allow for my future? If so, then how? What is wrong with me?

I've snipped a little out of your post gigi, because this describes me _exactly_ at the moment. I've been so extreme in my moods that I was beginning to wonder what the hell was wrong with me! So yesterday I started to write something...I guess just as you have done here. Its not a story so much as a way of trying to work out my feelings and my concerns. Its only when i truly know and understand them that I will be able to begin sorting them out eh.


I have no advice...I don't even take my own I dish out on Lit lol. I'm here to see what advice I can pick up! I just wanted to say like so many others here, you aren't alone chick and that I truly hope you find a resolution to this and rid yourself of these awful feelings

What you are saying sounds so like me. I feel that the attention I need and the way I want it is not unreasonable and he thinks...well, he accused me of being whiny the other day which really hurt me (even though he didn't say it in a mean way) because I pride myself in NEVER being whiny.

Anyway, I think the secret is to find some sort of balance. I have learned to be happy with what I get and appreciate how he chooses to show me he cares. I also have learned that it is ok to sometimes just come out and say--I am in a needy mood, I need some special TLC right now.

I really hope things work out for you

Thanks ecsaticsub, this has helped

 

[SweetGigi]

i have told Him how i feel and His only disappointment was that i didn't say something sooner. As of yesterday- when we talked about it- He seemed very willing to work with me in being more verbally afirming. I know this is something wrong with me- it is the only possiblity there is because now instead of feeling secure in all this i feel even more scared that the need to 'coddle' me a bit is gonna drive Him away. What the cock is wrong with me and how the cock do i fix it? And, no offense to any one, but 'just relax' or 'stop worrying' or 'try meditation or yoga' doesn't help... it not simply that easy for me.... sorry. I'm beginning to think this isn't just a 'state of mind'. Below I am posting my lastest blog entry.

"Why is it so hard to just relax? Why can't i just be content with what i have and leave well enough alone? Why must i worry about things that are outside of my control? i need to find a way to enjoy life as it is without sweating the small stuff. But how?

It feels a little like breathing under water- the panic that sets in when i worry about such things. It fills my mind and consumes me till it becomes a festering boil. Raw, aching and sore- this worry throbs in my mind until it pops under the pressure. How do i stop this from happening? Sure, people say ' just stop worrying, and you'll be fine,' *rolls eyes* yeah i got that much, but HOW??

Is there something wrong with me? Is it a lack of or or excess of something that is causing this? As much as i don't want to- should i seek out medical relief or guidance in one form or another? i want to be normal. i want to be fine. i want to have confidence and inner security, but where do i find it?

i'm scared if i don't fix this what ever it is that is wrong with me soon, i'll lose You. The thought of that scares me so much that i have to figure something out now. i've lived, and lost, like this for so long i don't even know where to begin. If You have any ideas or thoughts i am more than willing to listen. Please, help me."

 

[h_i_s]

i want to have confidence and inner security, but where do i find it?

That portion of your post... I've been right where you are RIGHT there with that question. Years ago and I remember how I answered it, IE: What worked for *me*. Your mileage may vary, of course.

I determined what I liked as well as what I disliked about myself and my life, and I wrote it down on paper.

I then studied the list and crossed out anything that I knew without doubt couldn't be changed (too short, too skinny, shitty family,) as I acknowledged that these were not in my control.

I took what was left on the list (too poor, crappy apartment, no car, lonely, not proud of my accomplishments, unaccomplished) and added it all to yet another list, list A.

I then added to yet another list, list B, what I love most about myself (intelligent, quick learner, creative, pretty, hard worker, great mom, great friend,).

Then I hung both on my refridgerator. For days I stared at the two and tried to figure how to get list B to work for list A in a way that would HELP me resolve or accept all on list A.

I went back to school. Within 10 months I was on my way to being not so poor , having a 'new to me' car, being a licensed full cosmetologist under the training of an experienced barber (who in another 6 months taught me to be one of the best female barbers in town), I was making new friends galore, and had more date potentials than I had time for, moved to a great 3 bedroom apartment in a great section of town, and while I was still skinny and still short and still had a shitty family ....... I was proud of who I was for the first time ever. I felt like I had accomplished something. I wasn't freaking everytime a bill came. I was no longer worried that I would end up on welfare or dependent upon a man to support me.

Point is, SweetGigi, that you are the only one who can determine what you need to feel good about yourself and your life, to feel worthy, to feel like you are valuable. You have to feel it though. No one else can make you feel it. Not really.

You find it within yourself.

 

[intothewoods]

i have told Him how i feel and His only disappointment was that i didn't say something sooner. As of yesterday- when we talked about it- He seemed very willing to work with me in being more verbally afirming. I know this is something wrong with me- it is the only possiblity there is because now instead of feeling secure in all this i feel even more scared that the need to 'coddle' me a bit is gonna drive Him away. What the cock is wrong with me and how the cock do i fix it? And, no offense to any one, but 'just relax' or 'stop worrying' or 'try meditation or yoga' doesn't help... it not simply that easy for me.... sorry. I'm beginning to think this isn't just a 'state of mind'. Below I am posting my lastest blog entry.

"Why is it so hard to just relax? Why can't i just be content with what i have and leave well enough alone? Why must i worry about things that are outside of my control? i need to find a way to enjoy life as it is without sweating the small stuff. But how?

It feels a little like breathing under water- the panic that sets in when i worry about such things. It fills my mind and consumes me till it becomes a festering boil. Raw, aching and sore- this worry throbs in my mind until it pops under the pressure. How do i stop this from happening? Sure, people say ' just stop worrying, and you'll be fine,' *rolls eyes* yeah i got that much, but HOW??

Is there something wrong with me? Is it a lack of or or excess of something that is causing this? As much as i don't want to- should i seek out medical relief or guidance in one form or another? i want to be normal. i want to be fine. i want to have confidence and inner security, but where do i find it?

i'm scared if i don't fix this what ever it is that is wrong with me soon, i'll lose You. The thought of that scares me so much that i have to figure something out now. i've lived, and lost, like this for so long i don't even know where to begin. If You have any ideas or thoughts i am more than willing to listen. Please, help me."

Oh, this is not easy work. Battling your inner demons takes years to accomplish. I recommend a good therapist (not easy to find) and the space to do the work. In other words, don't expect this to happen overnight.

 

[MelancholyBaby]

I struggle with many of the same things you descriped in your posts, SweetGigi. It seems like I need validation all the time; from my friends, my boss, my family, my sweetie. My boss brought it to my attention in a kind way and I realized that I cannot always expect someone else to help me feel valuable, pretty, intelligent, nice, competent, etc. It has to come from me first.

It's not easy to battle self-esteem and confidence issues. My therapist recommended a book and workbook set to me, Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning and The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn Schiraldi. I am working through the two right now and I am finding that they are very useful and relevant to me and offer sound advice and techniques to use to build self esteem.

Meeting with a therapist, as previously mentioned, would also be a great idea. Make sure if you go down that road you find someone who you can feel comfortable talking to. I would also find one that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. It has helped me more than anything else has. By continuously monitoring your thoughts and self-talk you realize that you have a lot of control over different outcomes in your life (this takes time, first you recognize the patterns, etc.) If you do see a therapist ask him/her if there are things family and friends can do to help you. I'm not talking about giving you external validation but, for example, my therapist gave me a list of thought distortions that I shared with select people so they will call me out if I say something foolish like "I forgot to attach this document to this email, I fuck everything up!" By doing that I realized just how many negative things I was saying about myself...and that was just what I was saying aloud, not thinking! I'm sure there are other ways they could help as well.

I'm sorry for the long post but having felt the way you mentioned I just wanted to share what has worked for me. I wish you the best of everything. It may not be a quick fix but it'll be unbelievably worth it.

 

[SweetGigi]

I have been giving this a lot of thought lately. (obviously) and I've come to the conclusion that I am in need of some sort of therapy. In all this thought and reflection, I am realizing I am becoming my own worst enemy here. It is NO ONE'S responsibility to validate me. I know that, deep down inside, but it is sometimes very hard to remember. One of you lovely ladies suggested that all of this might possibly be sub drop. I think I tend to agree with this. While it is important for Jim to offer me support and guidance after any play, it is not ultimately his responsibility to pull me out of an emotional tailspin. I think I need to make sure I am on an even keel so that this doesn't happen again.

So, now I need to find a therapist who fits my needs. They need to be capable of accepting my D/s lifestyle with out judgment and also accept my personal religious convictions as well. I would also need to find someone who can or is willing to work with me and my measly non-medically insured butt. Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

[intothewoods]

Congrats, Gigi. Good for you.

Financial issues can make it tough to be choosy about a therapist. Are you a student? If not, do you have any insurance?

If the answer to both of the above is no, I would go about gathering recommendations from friends, and then asking the potentials if they can work on a sliding scale. Most doctors will.

I'm of the opinion that you don't need a therapist who is listed as kink-friendly somewhere. You just need someone who is tolerant.

Let me back up. First gather rec's from friends, preferable from people with somewhat similar values/lifestyles. You can also ask your doctor for recommendations. Interview potentials and get a sense of who they are, what their approach is and what they will charge.

I have more thoughts on this, but I'm off to bed for now.

 

[MelancholyBaby]

I think that intothewoods' suggestions on finding a therapist are great.

I wouldn't call my therapist kink-friendly but she has never ever discouraged me from the D/s lifestyle. She is tolerant. I think this is the major thing to look for. You don't want to begin seeing someone who you feel is judging you or looking down on you. Personalities will clash sometimes, so don't ever feel obligated to stay with someone you don't feel like you can make progress with.

As for paying for it...I can only speak for Michigan where I'm from but in my area each county has a Community Mental Health agency set up that provides psychiatric care to uninsured people, among other things. This is a separate program from an insurance program like Medicaid which has different eligibility requirements. Here you provide them with a copy of your last year's tax return or paystubs and they figure your ability to pay for therapy, psych doctor visits, and psych medications. Sometimes you get it for free, other times it's on a sliding scale. Hopefully your area has something like that.

 

[madetotakeit]

Good for you for deciding to be proactive. What works for one will not always work for another. Find what works for you and blossom! See the woman that everyone else sees.